OK I am going to start summarising the week.
There were several moments of gaslighting. For example telling me that she had to get up with LO during the night and that she had cried for ages. This was untrue. I know it was untrue as I was awake the entire night. LO slept through. In fact she slept through every night but one. Every day she had a nap of between 90min to 2 hrs except the day we took them to the restaurant. Every evening she went to bed with no fuss except last night. That last point is very important in explaining last night's flounce.
Last year I got her the Hunger Games books and DVD for Christmas. I got SIL a nice bag, GMIL a scarf, and FIL a book. I ordered them from amazon and had them delivered there. I know they were delivered and in which packages, as I have my amazon account to prove it. I also very distinctly remember a skype conversation on Christmas Day where they all mentioned their presents and thanked me. I remember SIL waving her bag at the camera, and I remember telling MIL that the Hunger Games would be right up her street. She agreed. Anyway during the week this week I asked if she had enjoyed the book. She denied receiving it. I mentioned it wasinthe same package as another gift. More denials. She also said taht SIL had never received her gift either that. Despite proof of receipt and DH backing me up that they had talked about and shown the gifts on skype she wouldn't believe me.
Then there was the iron story. Usually she criticises my iron. To the point where in the past she has threatened to buy me a new one. She used it yesteray briefly and went on about how good it was (it isn't) which in itself sounds innocuous but I have actually, during past visits, had to raise my voice to stop her going on about my iron.
Then there were the times she openly contradicted me. I would tell DD1 not to do something, DD1 would just do it, as is her style, I would repeat that she shouldn't do it. And MIL would whisper that she was finento do it, and not to worry about it.
In fact she ran hot and cold with both kids all week, swinging from doting granny playing games to suddenly cooling off, telling them off, from one moment to the next. And the girls would look confused, but happy enough most of the time iyswim. When she shouted at DD1 last night (who has been surprisingly well behaved all week) that she should stop being a baby and that a hard smack would do her some good I almost snapped. Almost. But as we only had another 12 hours left I just hugged DD1 very hard to try and calm her down. But that wasn't the thing which made me snap. Will come to that later.
Then there was the general annoyance that they invited themselves to stay, said they wanted to help, reorganised my new year eve meal and then fucked off to sleep all afternoon leaving me to prepare it. Their way. The complete refusal to say anything nice about any of the meals I cooked. And the anger at my use of balsamic vinegar in the salad dressing one night. The times their afternoon nap dragged on into the evening so we had to wait to eat. The fact that she would be up most of the night making noise, and then denying she was even up, except when she was lying about being up with LO.
So, what made me snap last night. Yesterday she spent all day telling all the ways in which we were parenting wrong. She used specific examples from this week. I reminded her, nicely, that they hadn't seen the children for 14 months, and that all children behave differently when there are guests/ big events etc. I also set out my parenting key ideas, which are different from her's. Nicely.
Last night LO had toothache, I think. She was tired at 7pm but got hytserical and it took us almost three hours to get her down. MIL kept saying all evening that she was playing up deliberately for attention. All evening.
Anyway, being distracted with the girls, (DD1 was playing up a little as she always gets stressed when LO gets into a state) we smiled and nodded, said no, we are not going to let her cry it out, this is not usual behaviour for her so something is wrong. This went on and at just before 10 I put LO in her bed and she settled. You see? Said MIL, she was just acting up. You should have just left her to cry. I said no, I think it was the paracetamol I gave her about 20 minutes ago. We've had one bad night this week, it's fine, she's teething. She raised her voice and said well you don't want to listen to advice, rod for your own back. I said, quite forcefully, don't judge my parenting on a snapshot of our lives, I know my daughter better than you. She stood up and started ranting, I walked out. Came back in to hear they were flouncing. DD1 who had by now listened to our parenting skills being criticised for almost three hours, including every way in which we were letting her terrible (!) behaviour ruin our lives, plus everything which was said during the day was sitting in the corner looking terrified. I raised my voice and told MIL that her shouting would wake LO and that she was stressing out dd1 and that she should calm down, go to bed, and leave in the morning.
Stepped out again for five minutes and when I came back in they were gone. DD1 was hysterical. They didn't even kiss her goodbye, just left.
Took us ages to calm her down last night, though it was late and she was knackered. She spent all night clinging to me and DH said she was whimpering in her sleep and this morning said I don't love her anymore. Despite all yesterday evening me not raising my voice with her, and reassuring her, and MIL piping up with things like she needs a good slap, she's got your wrapped round her little finger...
DH is ok, sad, but OK. Has gone to work but is resolute that this is it. His dad won't stand up to her, never has done and that is so sad as he is a generous, kind person who was obviously madly in love with his granddaughters.
But I am not taking the risk of my girls ever being put through a scene of such toxic venom again. They had had quite a good week, though yesterday was hard for DD1.
If they had left yesterday morning as they said they would this could have been avoided and the only reason I can think of that they stayed was so that she could give me all her horrible opinions uninterupted by dh yesterday. I can think of no other reason.
Right, off to smother my children in cuddles. LO is napping and DD1 is watching TV.
There are several quite amusing anecdotes for you which I will post as and when I remember them.