March 2013 - time to wrap them all up in tinsel

[StormyBrid]

Old thread here.

worse we're like Plonky on the timings - we keep mealtimes and milktimes separate. I spotted something in Evil Baby Whisperer that suggested around this age milk should be at the time you'd give a snack. Thinking about it, that's pretty much what we do - milk at the crack of dawn, 11am, 3pm and bedtime, food at 9am, 1pm and 5pm. It seems to work, and Fartypants is definitely in the process of reducing milk herself. Those middle two feeds, she's having about four ounces now.

How is the worselet on mush? Does she show any preferences? If we were sticking with baby led weaning we'd be getting absolutely nowhere. Savoury mushes, she'll try a mouthful then get distracted by the cat. Fruit mushes, she practically inhales. For a reduced stress option, can I suggest getting yourself to Asda? They've a hell of a range of cheap fruity mushes, and then at least you're not having to throw away purees you've spent hours lovingly creating.

Incidentally, six month old Molly may love her porridge, but all that means is that Molly's a total weirdo - porridge is vile. It's weetabix all the way round here, with mashed banana in.

eco hang in there, it does get better. How long until 37 weeks for you?

I am thanking my heathen gods we don't have crawling yet. Nappy changes with rolling are bad enough. Especially when it's a particularly horrific one.

The thing is, worse, I'm not sure if I can spend the rest of my life looking elsewhere for basic communication needs. On the plus side, have just told him, re the biggest cause of current stress, that he has got to get off his arse and sort it otherwise we will have to go our separate ways. And he's said he'll sort it. So we'll see.

Stormy lack of talking from the menfolk is a huge irritant (that actually sounds like I'm minimizing the situation, which is obviously not my intent). Is the stress purely communication (or lack thereof) based? Is he the type whose actions speak louder than their words?

I only ask because I'm frequently cast as a nag. But the reason for this is because I'm the one who does 80% of the talking, and apparently I'm too bossy. So while we might argue over the way I'm 'choosing' to communicate, the message does eventually hit home. However nagging is my end position - by that point I've tried various other tactics, all of which have failed. But like I say, DP often steps up if I ask him to. I think we've come to accept these sides of each others personalities. I hope he starts taking the responsibility/making the decisions you need him to take.

We're going for a quick pre-lunch walk in a bit. It's lovely and sunny here too but apparently DP is 'too ill' to do anything more fun than a walk through the local mudbath/park. Poor lamb, it's such a serious case of man flu, I just don't know if he'll make it

Stormy I think Plonky's right. So much of making a relationship work is about compromise.

The thing about life, is it is never going to be perfect. No partner is ever going to be perfect. All of us have our own issues, and foibles, and when we bring these together with another person's on a 24/7 basis, well at times we are going to drive each other nuts. Add in financial stresses, baby stresses, work stresses, family stresses [add as appropriate] and you're going to get days when it seems a little hard to see the wood for the trees.

The fact that you are talking, and DP has said he'll sort the issue has got to be good news. Perhaps leave it there for a while, see what he does, and give each other a hug.

I think you once said that despite his quirks you are better off with him in your life than not, which is a great place to be. Unless that changes there isn't an awful lot to gain from walking away. If it does though there isn't an awful lot to gain from staying. Life is fluid, and it is also very long. If you are unhappy and can't fix it, it is better to move on to find happiness than resign yourself to 50 years of being miserable.

On an unrelated note, that lunch I wasn't looking forward to... well it was fab! Lovely food and the worselet ate everything I had packed for her without feeling the need to throw any of in on the floor or at anyone. In fact she had so much fun she is now asleep. What's not to like.

Hmm. Been spotting for a month now and am a bit nervous as this has never happened before.

Shit. I'm gonna have to poas aren't I?

Now that you've mentioned it, yes, you must. First thing tomorrow! I shall be eagerly awaiting an update.

Hello plonk. Always worth checking I guess. Had your periods calmed down to some sort of normal post baby then? For last three months I seem to be every 21 days. Suck! And yes, agree with Stormy, do let us know. Tell me how nursery time out works for one year olds. Really interested. Dh is interested in the point in time when it's ok to start helping them understand difference between right and wrong. How was the park? It has been a truly gorgeous day and I hope despite the man flu in tow you got to enjoy it.

Any, despite my being a kitchen roll blower I agree if there are tissues and kitchen paper next to each other they should be used for correct purpose. YANBU! Also, I have all sorts of 'things' that must be done and that dh thinks me nuts for but does because he likes a quiet life I like the cushions plumped before bed, I like the bath mat vertically over the bath edge not horizontally if you know what I mean, I like the kitchen timer placed behind the stack of plates, I like the jumpy men toy to be colour matched prior to putting away. I hope you feel more normal now

Worse you can finally punch your trainer!? Great! Only a year. Let us know if your innards fall out. I suspect not. Enjoy the adrenaline. Have you done adventure races for fun before? They are cross country runs mixed with off road cycling and other stuff. All very muddy and such fun. There's one at Bedgebury I believe. I'm going to look for an autumn one to sign up for to give me an incentive to train a little.

Stormy the only thing I'll add to wise worse and others is that being gentle in the conversations about things I find frustrating is the only way I ever make in roads. If I stomp and huff then inevitably and understandably I don't see much change resulting but when I carefully and respectfully say what bothers me and how it makes me feel, followed by what would be helpful to remedy situation, I do seem to get through. Not all men are the same of course, but I think it's fair to say be very plain and make it easy for them to understand without any guessing. Good luck.

Yummy well done you for noticing that you need to make an effort. I think relationships that fail in the first two years post baby are often due to a lack of focus on the couple. You've managed to reach half way!

Gerry, happy half term to you! Do you have plans other than lots of snuggles and more sleep and less time at the laptop?

We're back home now after meeting dad for 75th birthday lunch on the way home. I've got over myself on the neglectful irresponsible mother front and have decided to just be a tiny bit less selfish in future but continue to have wide and interesting experiences with ecobaby. We go into phase two of sleep work after a teleconference tomorrow. This will involve feeding only in her room overnight, not cosying up in our bed and moving the whole bedtime feed to pre bath downstairs. I await this stage with dread excitement.

Can we have a quick milk when recap please? At nearly 11 months we're on milk 1030,1530,1845,0100 and 0500(very approx). Just interested in how many of you still offering milk mid morning and pm really.

Eco we're on formula, but we do big bottles on waking (7.30ish) and bedtime, and a smaller bottle when she wakes from her pm nap, so 3ish. I've considered dropping the afternoon one, and to be honest she can take it or leave it, but without it she would need a snack, and I'd still rather she had milk than a snack. I'm also not convinced her fluid intake would be enough without that milk. I'm off to the clinic for the first time in 5 months tomorrow though, so I'll see what they say.

I would also like to know when I can start teaching right and wrong. The favourite game at the moment is food throwing. The line between trying to teach her this is not ok, and not giving her food related issues from being "told off" at mealtimes, is a very fine one indeed.

My exciting news is the offer from my super fit and sporty step father to get me gym membership as a birthday present. The gym has a crèche, a pool, and a sauna. I'm ridiculously excited at the prospect of a baby free work out/swim/leisurely baking in the sauna. Bliss.

thanks for info on milk gerry. I agree with regards fluid intake. We're not great at swallowing water. we take it in and spit most out. forcefully and comedically.
And as for gym, peace and sauna Lucky you! Lovely!

Eco we've dropped most milk feeds now, so between 300 and 400ml a day. She usually has 200ml before bed, and either a mid morning or a mid afternoon feed but not both. I try to make up the deficit with dairy products. I've worked out that night feeds here are usually thirst not hunger related as they coincide with colds when she is sleeping with her mouth open.

Gerry that's the kind of present I would love! A creche and a pool?! Utter bliss. Well done step father.

Eco not tried the adventure races, but probably will one day. I would have done the mud run my PT instructor organised had I not been up duffed at the time. Instead I signed DH up for it. He was not overly pleased

On the right and wrong front, 'no' has become common place in this house. It is usually accompanied by me removing her foot from the tray on her high chair. Apparently feet on the table is the very best way to eat. Speaking of high chairs the pub today had these:

booster chair

Much much better than a high chair as the small person can eat at the table with you, and it doesn't take up any room in the kitchen. I'm buying one!

Eco on days where the boobs are available (so every day other than about 3 in a year) we still have feeds at 7.30, 10.30, 3, 7 and some ungodly hour of the morning. If it's a day without me then she just drops the daytime feeds.

Gerry I've got gym envy. I really want to join the David Lloyd down the road but it's so just so eye-wateringly expensive! I used to love my gym membership, I did a load of classes and used to swim before work 3 days a week. Blissful.

worse we have a booster seat similar to that one but with an attachable tray, we've never had a high chair. It's nice because, like you say, he sits at the table with us I'd definitely recommend.

eco we're on 210ml when he wakes up at anywhere between 8am and 9am, and then 210ml before bed at about half 7pm. And I agree re the adventure, don't stop it one bit! DD will love to hear these stories when she's older

plonk poas poas!!!

eco ds has 6fl ozs 7.30/8pm and another bottle overnight 2/3am. Good luck on the next sleep session.

On the relationship front we took one step forward two steps back. We both were in a foul mood and just want this day to be over. We are 20% talking now. This morning was 0%. Sorry stormy I am in no position to offer you advice.

plonky i am eagerly waiting for your result. Were you on the coil?

Ds is really in his element of ignoring the word no. He has really taken to playing with the vegetable rack and eating raw potatoes and onion skin. I found a potato in a drawer in the living room the other day. Anyone would think we starved him and had no toys.

any I am a tissue girl. Kitchen roll hurts my nose. Actually one off wipe is ok but using kitchen roll on a sore nose from a cold ouch!

im hoping I smile tomorrow and counting the hours until dh is at work.

I think DD is starting to understand no. She rarely heeds it, of course, but often she randomly gets distracted by something shiny while en route to the verboten target and pausing to give me a great big innocent grin, which to the untrained eye could look like responding to the word no. My dad has an excellent stern voice that keeps her away from Grandad's Table (full of shiny snuffboxes and electronic gadgetry). I really need to master it.

We have a booster chair too. Usually used on the living room floor these days though, because it's easier to lay out the enormous splash mat in there. When she's developed sufficient table manners to actually sit at the table it'll come in handy there too.

Thanks all for words of wisdom. I shall reflect on things a bit.

As for milk, we start the day usually around 6am with a six flozzer, most of which gets drunk, after which Fartypants goes back to sleep (hurrah!). Four flozzes around 10.30 or 11 in the morning, instead of a snack - I worry about fluid intake and she's not great at drinking from a cup yet. Another four flozzes offered after nap, around 3pm. And another sixer offered at bedtime, so anywhere between 6 and 7pm. Daytime milks she usually leaves a bit and occasionally rejects the whole bottle. Bedtime milk she quite often refuses or only has a tiny bit. I'm not working out average daily intake because it took me a long time to stop obsessively tracking feeds and I don't want to risk starting again.

Plonky yes, poas asap we need to know! I'm crossing my fingers you get the right result... whatever that may be.

Yummy 20% is better than 0%, so that's a start. I hope everything seems a little brighter tomorrow.

I think it's tough time at the moment to be honest, as mobile toddlery babies are undeniably knackering, and sleep regression is no fun. It'll get better. It will

Gerry DS is starting to understand no. Usually he looks around from the fireplace/big box of Fairy he's about to delve into/the bin, and laughs, then crawls away. I'm sure this is mainly down to the amazing ladies who run his nursery. This is a very recent development though, and I am a bit shocked that my words have any impact on him whatsoever. I think persistence and optimism are key.

Excellent news RE gym membership. Very thoughtful and generous! I pay a measly £12 a month to the local rec centre for pool and spa use. Had a sauna yesterday morning, which was heavenly.

Eco I'm on the pill (femodette). It's the same one I was on before I had DS, and it's the only one that doesn't cause migraines/horrific weight gain. Maybe it's suddenly disagreeing with me? Maybe a bit of weight loss plus illness? Argh I dunno. I've been on it since 12 weeks pp so nice 'normal' fake periods ever since, though the last one literally lasted 2 days - probably because of all the spotting.

Nursery is going really well - what is it your DH wants to know? He does 3 full days a week, sometimes has breakfast there, though usually that's at home. Nice huge room with three sections (though all open plan), one for general/messy play, one with more physical toys, and a sensory black/white bit with bean bags and big cushions. Their food smells amazing too! He has a book and every day they write down what he's eaten, length of naps, nappies etc.

We offer 8 flozzes whenever he wakes, usually around 5-6am, then he goes back down for an hour or two on me. Another 8 flozzes at bed time. Drinks probably 2-3 flozzes of water throughout the day, but took DS aaaaages to realise that water isn't poison.

Worse thanks - I'm hoping for a BFN. If we were 6 months down the line things might be different, but that's a tiny age gap and I'm scared!

Stormy your use of the word verboten made me laugh. Out loud. Now all I can think of is Bill Bailey's Kraftwerk-esque 'Das Ist Verboten'.

eco we are still ebf and our feed schedule looks a lot like yours on many days although some days DD won't want day time feeds. However she likes to practice the sign for milk frequently and will latch on and the come off a lot during the day. I encourage it because I love that she is getting the concept of signing as communication. We also do last feed before bathtime or often during bathtime (we all get in the bath together!) and DD seems to be fine without milk just before bed although does sometimes have a small suckle as she settles in our bed. Nighttime waking for milk definitely reduced after she started to do that (it was totally instigated by her - I don't think she could be near the breasts in the bath without having a drink!)

DD definitely understands the word no. If she is about to put something in her mouth she shouldn't we say no and she will look at us with big eyes and puts down the offending article (although can take a few requests as she puts it to her mouth and back down a few times as if to make sure we are serious!). It's takes practice but it means that she can do stuff like crayons (although nothing actually gets drawn) and we know she won't eat anything she shouldn't.

In terms of throwing food at mealtimes, if DD drops something on the floor deliberately we return it to her once. If she does it again we all wave bye bye to whatever it is and it gets taken away. We have found that this has massively reduced things being dropped.

Have you had a widdle yet, Plonk? I'm bouncing up and down with anticipation here. Although that's possibly a slightly inappropriate reaction given you're hoping for a bfn. Have you thought what you'll do if it's positive, or is it just head in the sand for now so you're not panicking unduly?

eco stomping and huffing is something I try very hard not to do. I don't think I'm doing too badly with it. I try very hard to be aware of how I'm behaving and communicating, because I've lost a lot of people in the past due to differing expectations there and I expect people not to act like knobheads . I tell him calmly how I'm feeling about things, how his actions make me feel, and so on. It'd be nice if he'd return the favour!

It's not just lack of communication causing stress though, because I'm sort of resigned to it by now. It's his unwillingness to talk about fairly grim financial issues. He went back to work today after three weeks off sick (doctor's notes covering most of it). He was home again by 11am. Second job lost since DD was born. He can borrow the rent money off his dad, but that's a stopgap; we need more financial security. I'm living in permanent fear of being financially screwed and homeless. He's a good man and a brilliant father, but he's arse at holding down a job. And my mental state doesn't lend itself to going out to work fulltime, so we can't swap roles. I've been going over and over it all in my head for months, and the most logical course of action is for him to move out so I can claim IS and stop panicking. Where the lack of communication comes in is him having absolutely nothing to say on the matter.

Anyway. Totally unrelated, but can I recommend you all look up the care.data thing coming in soon, and opt yourselves and your babies out?

stormy just want to sympathise with your financial position - financial stresses are tough on any relationship. Could you perhaps find a middle ground and both work part time? I have know a number of couples who do that and so share both childcare and bring in money and works really well for them. Might take the pressure off everyone perhaps?

Oh Stormy. Finances seem to be more stressful than any other kind of worries, it's definitely what I panic about most. It's a real thinker too. My heart says don't split up because of money, you've already said you prefer your life with him in it. But my head wonders if you're going to be feeling like this until dd is five? The beauty of income support and housing benefit is that once it's set up that's it really, you're sorted. My friend lived quite happily on it with her two kids til she married, and now she's going through a lot of the same problems. Don't make any kind of decision over night.

I think I've just had a BFN. DS is muttering away napping, so I'm going for a smoke. You know when you do a test and think you might be seeing a watermark and you don't know if it's a watermark or a bfp? Well my watermark is nearly one, and I'm paranoid.

Oh, I'm not proposing splitting up. Just living separately. There's a house literally twenty seconds' walk away with rooms going for sixty quid a week all inclusive - if he's working that leaves plenty to spoil DD rotten, and if he's not then housing'll cover it. Meanwhile, DD would have a secure roof over her head, and I might actually be able to de-stress enough to get some sleep. At least he's actually talking about the whole thing now though. Progress!

Take a photo of your pee-stick so we can judge it for you, Plonky?

We've just been to the baby clinic. 18lbs 6.5oz. No wonder everyone who picks her up comments on how light she is.

Aaah I see :) it's not the longest term solution though is it? Does he show any inclination towards one day finding a career, or even just any job he can take some kind of ownership of?

Sadly the test is in the outside bin now, so no picture. am 99% certain it's bfn - I checked a few minutes later.

Not a permanent solution, no. But it's a few year's breathing space, during which I hope he'll find a job he can hack for more than a few months. As for career inclinations... You know that Daily Fail stereotype of people who sit on their arses all their lives eating biscuits? He was totally happy doing that until I came along.

Stormy are you mad? That's fraud , unless of course you plan to live by the letter of the benefits regulations in which case you might as well split up. Anything less and you risk some curtain twitching do-gooder dobbing you in to the authorities with a resulting investigation/possible clawing back of money you've already spent. You can't want that, surely? I can see you have some serious talking to do with DP, but please please please don't go down that road. It's a whole big disaster waiting to happen.

Plonky I'm crossing my fingers your water mark was just a water mark.

I need to wake the worselet now, or I will pay for it later.... but she looks so happy it seems mean.

The idea was to follow the rules, yes. Don't really fancy the consequences when one inevitably gets caught. It would do him good to figure out how to run a house like a grown up, and as I can't sleep in company he'd be better in a bed elsewhere than knackering his back on the sofa. Thank you for your concern though.