FEB 2010 Three is a magic number, yes it is......

[InmaculadaConcepcion]

Come and take shelter from the DC here, folks!

Happy st patrick's [pint emoticon missing!]

[pint] [pint] sent your way

Hi everyone Is it o'clock yet?

On my rubbish phone so no scrolling back. Well done to everyone who solo-parented over the weekend, hope it went well.

Get well wishes to NK and family, IC and anyone else who is under the weather.
Big hugs to Mous, has your DH made a decision about the job yet?

We had childless friends over all day yesterday, I found it quite a strain trying to act 'normal' (i.e. continue an uninterrupted conversation). It's just not my normal any more. We did have d a good time, if the weather had been better it would have been easier as could have done an outing somewhere.

CP great that DS is recovering and WOO HOO on the sleep! The beginning of a brand new world. Also fab on the job.

I didn't mean to mislead with my post about DH and money, that is my interpretation he never said it's 'his'. I asked him what he'd say to me getting laser eye surgery too and he said go for it, he would put it on an interest-free credit card same as his. I don't like all the debt though (and it is EXPENSIVE - his cost 3.5k, mine likely to be more as my eyes are worse); and I'm not even sure I want it, very squeamish about my eyes. Ugh! I may go for a consultation and see what they say.

DD1 is obsessed with 'going to the shops to get bread, cheese, yoghurt, sausages and a newspaper'.

DD2 is hyper, hyper clingy, it is like she is a different child. Since my dad had her for a couplt of afternoons a fortnight ago. How on earth will I EVER work with my two clingy, sensitive, delicate girl?! I'm still not sure if doing the right thing with keeping DD1 at nursery. The tears and protestations have started up again and are getting worse. But I honestly don't think I could manage to have her all the time. She is hard work.

I'd still be miffed about DH spending that without it being decided jointly beforehand.

I found with DS in nursery that he was soon fine once I was gone. It was me who dealt with the clingy fall out, not them. Are you looking for work then?

DS needed me next to him tonight but he was ever so itchy, piriton seemed to take ages to work. Have done two nights with just two feeds. Yesterday evening one wasn't until 10pm as I was at tutoring but then his second was at 7am.

and for SR my cosmic twin? highly recommend it :)

something going on for DD - dunno what but she's been behaving terribly and has demanded that she goes to a different school but not talking yet?. will have to get to the bottom of it, but worn out with the last few weeks (DH still very sore from the crash and not fully functioning yet) and my own internal pile of shite? so not much energy and poor DS has been hitting 39/40 for the last 12 hours?

we all really do seem to have a lot on at the mo don't we? all round? whether congratulatory, commiseratory and consoling or just straight up friendly?

Sounds difficult stoof. Hope you get to the bottom of your DD's issues.

Lots on this week...

sorry to hear that Stoof Sunday nights are always a particularly low point in the week.

DD and DS decided to keep each other awake 5-6:30 this morning, they did go off for half an hour though. Thankfully we are having a OK nap.and I've eaten lots of cake

Stoof, hope your dd is telling you what is bothering her

Hi everyone.

I am really going to try and post on here more (I miss you guys!)

Some of you have namechanged though and I am looking at you like I recognise you but can't quite place you (sheepish).

I have a few things that I really need to get off my chest in my usual selfish way. I will try and catch up a bit and post again.

I hope you are all well - those of you who I don't really see on FB big wave - and those of you who are on FB, hope you are all surviving.

x

Waves back to fc come and rant as much as you want (or use fb if you don't want to do it on a open forum)

big hello to fc

there is still the names doc on the fb page, I believe it is up to date (ish)

Had been feeling quite hopeful about the sleep situation. DS was awake for 60 mins, 30 mins and 2 hours at various points in the night. Lost track of DD but she needed us going to her at least 6 times plus numerous other random shout outs etc. DS is happy enough not being fed, but come 5am he is very wakeful. Means I get a batch of sleep from 1-5 and struggle at all other times.

Aw, I'm so touched that you've been worrying about me....! Thanks

Sorry I haven't been posting - this chesty virus thing I've got is the pits. I've been getting virtually no sleep as the coughing wakes me up ALLFECKINGNIGHT - I thought I was used to sleep deprivation, but this has been in a different league.

Thankfully, my GP has given me cough linctus for use overnight and a steroid nasal spray, so hopefully I'll get a better night's sleep tonight. Yesterday was improving and today was the first time I've felt vaguely human in about ten days. The GP said the cough mixture might come through my milk and make DS a bit sleepy - I said, hopefully "How much do I need to to take for that to happen?" Poor old DS has just had a couple of bad early mornings because he's so bunged up with this cold bug too.

DD, meanwhile is very cheery and is now properly enjoying nursery (hoorah!!) and seems to be getting better with doing poos and is taking an interest in using the loo for wees again. I'm hugely relieved that we seem to have come through the tricky nursery/separation patch. But I'm still going to pursue the creative therapy route for her - I don't want her laid low with stress in that way again if we can possibly avoid it....

Big love to all of you - I've just skimmed the last couple of pages and will get back into posting again now I'm feeling less dreadful xx

I was quite disappointed that the 'drowsy' antihistamines didn't really help.

Yayy IC welcone bqck and fx the medicines bring yiu sleep/rest

I have started reading 'Raising Boys' and I am pleased to say that it is a book easy to read (i get quite tired when reading English books) and some advices I will follow, others are I'll try to convince DH to read it...

Hi IC, glad you're feeling better! FX some of the drowsyness gets through to DS....! And hope you all continue to get better.

On the subject of reading books about our DC, was there one you were all discussing a while back about accepting your child as they are...? I am having real difficulty accepting DD1 for herself atm. She is so negative, contrary, and difficult. I can't help thinking "why can't you be more like DD2" which is both unfair (after all DD2 is still a baby really) and damaging (I do recall being very hurt when my mum said this to me - as she did a lot - my DSis was the 'good' one). We had a friend round to play yesterday and even she commented on how aggressive DD1 is. I'm sure it is all tied up with the nursery fear, and further back with DD2's arrival/moving house/starting nursery all within months, but I don't know what to DOOOOO about it.

Nursery was much better today, she took her snuggly bunny with her as her smiley friend. No tears.

I have had several heavy "talks" with DH about how unhappy both DD1 and I are but he just doesn't seem to emotionally 'buy in' to it. I don't know now whether I'm being unfair/expecting unreasonable things or not. I said I'd like some child-free time - ON MY OWN - each week. He just looks at me dumbly instead of suggesting anything. I then have to say "why don't you take them out for a few hours on x day". Am I being a complete harpy? I just don't see why he doesn't have the gumption to suggest such a thing himself.

IC did you say you were going to take DD to a child psychologist or did I imagine that? I have been wondering if I should take DD1 to see someone. She is clearly acting out some unhappiness and I don't have the resource to help her.

In all honesty I regret having children at the moment. I feel so worn out, so spent, and there is no time off, ever.

Sorry for the me post I didn't actually mean to write all that...!

I have just bought a gro-clock to try to reset DD1's wake time to 7 instead of 5.45/6. Lack of sleep must be contributing to her behaviour.

stoof hope your DD opens up soon about what is troubling her.

CP I am looking for work if you count 'looking' as glancing through the local rag every week. I am desperate to get out of the house but also very aware that it will in all likelihood be a logistical nightmare and I will have to get up early and I don't do early starts very well. Plus I have no faith that anyone will want to hire me as I have been out of the game for so long so being a bit defeatist about it. Self-pitying, moi?!

Right off to cook dinner before DD2 wakes up PLEASE...........

Scones, I could have written your post a hundred times in the last year (you're not alone).

My relationship with DD1 really suffered in the late stages of pregnancy when my tiredness increased and tolerance went out the window. Then in the early days of snuggling a newborn she demanded so much of me. I felt this huge need (my need) to protect DD2. DD2 needs were physical I realise now, and DD1s needs were emotional and I slightly but not irreperably (sp sorry) ignored them.

DH took over a lot of care of DD1 and their relationship blossomed and I now realise, as an elder daughter, why I had such a strong bond with my father. My younger brother was a very high needs baby and my mother must have gone through all of this with me.

Now that DD2 is not so glued to me, and I no longer BF, I spend a lot of time rebuilding my relationship with DD1 and get hugely frustrated that when things are hectic and I am on the verge of meltdown that DH steps in to take DD1 off my hands - but never DD2!

I still get massively frustrated when I am on my own with them (all the time when I'm not working, DH is working crazy hours), as DD1 is the one who seems to deliberately throw a spanner in the works. Of course it's not really like that, but I do wonder why, why, why is she doing this to me when I am rushing, stressed and trying to get a million and one things done.

My advice, from someone who hasn't quite succeeded!, is to try and offload DD2 to DH as much as possible and spend some fun time with DD1 when you can. You definitely need child free time too, but a 3yo on their own is relatively easy and can be entertained. DD1 and I go for hot chocolates occasionally on weekends, or to the merry-go-round, or just potter about together. I have to put all necessary housework, cooking, shopping etc on hold and dedicate this time to her.

I still struggle, hang in there.

I'm sorry to come back and write all about me, and not enquire how you are all doing. I follow most of your activities on facebook, so know that we all have our struggles and some of those are a lot worse than mine when it comes to worries about our children, but I really need to offload to someone.

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with depression. I went through a couple of fairly big traumas which I don't really want to go into, and they pushed to the surface this underlying feeling which had been there, on and off since the birth of DD1. I suppose it started out as PND as I went back to work too quickly. I never spoke to anyone at the time but had a few months where I felt, quite literally, mad.

Then when pregnant with DD2 it all came back and I started having the worsts kind of thoughts. Again it sorted came and went until recently. I realised that it was having a major impact on my ability as a parent and I decided that I didn't want my children to suffer because of my health.

I described on Facebook going to see my GP and how wonderful he was. I am on pretty heavy anti-depressants, but still have bad days. I am slowly sorting a few things out, but it's still a struggle.

I completely lack the confidence to go out and make (and maintain) friends. I can't talk to anyone about this. DH is really struggling to come to terms with it. I don't think he ever really 'believed' in depression and can't understand how me - with a caring husband, two wonderful daughters, no major money worries (there are always money worries, but we are comfortable at the moment), a job that affords me great working conditions (mostly) and is really the pinnacle of my career - can not be happy. He is under so much pressure himself and just doesn't know how to help practically.

His lack of understanding is hard to deal with and I am scared it will drive a wedge between us.

Anyway. I am sorry to dump this on all of you. You are really the only ones who seem to truly understand what it is like, this frantic time of our lives.

I hope you are all doing ok, I think my own self-obsession is a big part of this, and I do hope you will forgive me if I don't ask after you enough or offer enough wisdom when you are all so generous with imparting yours.

So sorry FC and scones.
FC your DH is french isn't it? We (french) are completely screwed up with depression and stuffs like mental health and so on, he might have is parents pushing behind too (i.e. not being supportive). Is there any way you can educate him and his family on the fact that it is a real disease or he/they just won't listen? It might be easier and have more impact if the GP or some common friends do it than you.

IC glad your better.

FC, sorry you have had such a difficult time, but glad you have recognised that there is an issue and got some help. It's a shame that your DH doesn't recognise that depression isn't a form of failure but instead is about an imbalance of chemicals. Have you tried describing it as that to him? How are you managing with work? And are you receiving counselling as well as medication? It sounds as though you are very self-aware, which is fabulous, and that you are finding your way through it. Please do come on here and vent any time you like (or on the FB group). You are safe here with us

Scones, the same goes for you. I think one of the big unspoken truths about having children is the way it can affect your mood and quite literally bring you to your knees. Remember (and this goes to FC too) you have had two children in a very short space of time. The toll that takes on your body, physically and hormonally, is enormous. The emotional side of things is also huge, as is the sheer practicality of juggling two children. You are both doing amazingly well. Have faith in yourselves, be kind to yourselves and do not be afraid to reach out when you need to (at least here, if RL is too difficult)

IC, I am glad you are feeling better. We were all worried about you so thank you for returning!

Mous, how are things with you? And NK, CP, survival, stoof, everyone...!? We all have a lot going on, don't we?

My "thing" today is DD1 being unwell. Despite her various atopic illnesses, she is a very resilient child and has done well this winter to not be unwell. Unfortunately she seems to have a bit of a tummy bug and is quite distressed by it, so she has lots of cuddles, poos and is now tucked up in bed. I tried to call DH to tell him that he didn't need to pick her up from Rainbows, but guess what? His mobile was dead. Some of you may recall that this isn't the first time this has happened and I am absolutely furious that I have to have this conversation with him again

We are supposed to be going away for a night tomorrow, just him and me. The jury is currently out

scones :( I hope you see what it is you need. I think key to DD1 lies in dealing with/helping you. I hope that doesn't come across in a bad way

fc glad to hear you are coming out the other side.

The past can be a pain. For the most part mine doesn't come into my consciousness very often but it occasionally it slips in like Sunday when I had an extra drink and it did throw me of kilter for a few days. Plus yesterday I exhausted physically and from sleep deprivation. Bounced back today but lucked out with sleep, naps and children's moods. Anyway fc just wanted to say it will start to fade etc even if it feels like it takes a long time.

Thank you all - you are very understanding. I do feel safe here, which is a relief.

Mous - it's really interesting what you say about the French attitude to mental health, I think that's why I took so long to do anything about it. I think DH wants to understand and the fact that our GP, who he sees as a very solid, wise old French man, was so understanding and took it so seriously, suggests that I am actually ill.

Yes, I am seeing a counsellor, and I am surprised at the things that have come up. I am struggling to open up and there is a slight language barrier as I realise that I lack a bit of necessary fluency, but I think we are getting there.

Science, I am sorry that your DH's phone is dead again. I find that so frustrating. My DH makes or receives on average 20 calls an hour between 6am (yes really) and 8pm (yes really) at night due to his work. I get so frustrated that the phone is this lifeline, but also a parasite on our lives. I hope you can go away with your DH, time alone is productive, away from the stresses of day to day living.

Climbing - you seem like such a strong person, I can't imagine you having wobbles. Getting out to do your climbing must be such a lifeline for you.

I signed up for aquagym today, it's late in the evenings but at least it will get me out of the house! (although I am going away for work next week which is actually a big perk).

oh fc :( nice to have you back though!

hugs elsewhere as usual :)

still unsure what it is with DD but will get there? not so much teeth grinding last night so maybe she's working through whatever it is.

work have offered to pay for some counselling for me (i feel i've somehow hoodwinked people into thinking i do a good job as everyone is complimentary (the sane bit of me recognises that actually that's probably the case, but somehow I can't accept it) ? won't bore you with the long version of this? i think i would benefit from talking to someone so agreed to it, but have changed my mind as i've realised i've actually spent 20 years buttoning a lot of stuff safely up inside and don't know what sort of cans of worms may be opened up and am not ready or prepared to go there. also actually don't think it should be up to work to pay, though it's nice of them!

umm we're supposed to be on an internet free night and i'm knackered so best go...

fc big hugs. I agree with what has been said before. I think your DH reaction is v French but also v manly (my DH who's part Irish/part British) will be reacting the same. When I was low last week he told me to go and sleep to feel better

scones how are your DDs doing re separation at the moment?

stoof big hugs too

mous any news on the job offer?

Waves to all - I'm supposed to be working

FC sending lots of love to you. It's brave of you to have sought help and I'm so relieved that the GP took you seriously and that you've got some support from a counsellor.

Scones The book that helped me with the accepting my child for who they are was - "Everyday Blessings" - www.amazon.co.uk/Everyday-Blessings-Inner-Mindful-Parenting/dp/0786883146 although I still get annoyed and shouty when he behaves in certain ways. Mainly when he disagrees with everything I say for the sake of it (as it seems to me).

It is really hard, this whole thing - and the minute you feel you are balanced something throws a spanner in the works and it can be hard to remember good times when you feel bad and vice versa, and it can change so quickly.

Funnily enough last night I was looking into counselling - I had a bit of a rude awakening as an old friend got in touch to tell me how horrible I had been in the past and played a big part in him dropping out of school. I'd had no idea and always thought of myself as bullied rather than as a bully but I could see that he was right. We met and talked it through but although there are now no hard feelings he doesn't want to maintain any contact and I feel sad about that.

I realised that I often attack as a form of defence and that my temper with those closest to me is not good and that I won't let other people close to me express their anger to me. It's because my feelings are so strongly 'fight-or-flight' when someone is angry with me I can't actually handle them.

I've found one that looks good not far from where I live and she only charges £45 for 90 mins.

IC I hope you are feeling a bit better with your medication and you got some sleep last night.

SB How are things with you? We didn't go to the swimming lesson today as I was rushing around and then we were running late and just missed a bus. DS had a meltdown and I just turned round and dragged him home.

I didn't have a great day today as DS kicked DD early in the morning when I was out of the room. He came out to me and said "I've just kicked DD". (??!). I took her away and sat in another room with her while I calmed down. I asked him why - no answer, tried to change the subject.

Later on I apologised for being grumpy and he said he was sorry for being grumpy too. Then even later he said quietly and thoughtfully "I do try to be kind...."

And, Science - I'm sorry DH let his phone go dead. How are you today?