Sept 08- The threenagers have arrived - Advanced negotiating and crowd control skills required

[DebiTheScot]

Sorry Meglet if you wanted to start the thread with your title but I thought I'd best do it while there was still one space to post the link to this one on the last one.

Oh ninja, ues a definite twatbadger.

IMO, based on my exH when we split, he is angry with himself for the way his life has turned out and so is projecting his anger onto you, with a dash of hurt thrown in to 'punish' you and make him feel better that you are feeling worse than he is.
The fact that he suggested going to Bestival with you in your tent (half his - he can borrow it!), says to me that his new life is not as rosy as he thought it would be - grasping at good memories perhaps.

God, I'm not trying to defend him but he sounds an awful lot like my exH and it's part of his greiving process for what he had and now doesn't have, even if it's better in the long run. I always find if i understand things, I can deal with them bettter.

Having said that, we didn't have kids so could take the time to work it through. You do and so he has to grow a pair and stop saying things in front of your DDs.

Things looking better here. DS slept 11pm till 6.30am. It's taken him alot longer but he is finally going the way DD did - he's tanking up during the day and sleeping at night. Saturday was a crap night but he slept too mucvh in the day and didn't take enough milk. I also read some great articles about good parenting and how the French do things and it struck a cord with me. I am a much better parent when I have sleep and he is way more settled when he has a full tummy, which I couldn't give him but formula does.
And we start baby sensory classes again this week. Loved these with DD as we had lunch at the zoo afterwards. :)

Money - Bec I hear you. Things have crept up on us and we have virtually zero left at the end of every month - nothing to save and we'll have to cut down DD's savings to fund DS's junior isa. IABU as we have more than most, but it scares me that DP's business is struggling but come September we have to find monthly nursery fees greater than our mortgage. I reckon we need about 7k in extra childcare costs between Oct 12 and Sept 13 before DD starts school and I have no idea how we will get it other than loan/credit card. We knew this when I got pg but the recession has hit harder and I can't increase my income without taking a second job. wish I worked at Asda sometimes so we wouldn't be so reliant on my income. (Yes, IABU I know).

carrie on a nappy note, I LOVE the tots bots bamboozles bamboo nappies. They do need a separate wrap and take forever to dry but they are amazingly efficient.
My Dsis has lent me some fuzzy bunz pocket nappies which are not as good but alot more slimline - we're saving the bamboozles till he's older as they are quite bulky.

mrsa Its madness isnt it? £7k on nursery fees? I really feel for you Things is, if you had told me a few years ago that we would be struggling on what dh makes know I would have thought you were mad!

I wouldnt mind so much, but we have no childcare costs (thank god!!) and we arent exactly spendthrifts (dont smoke, dont really drink, no take aways etc) and yet we have no savings now and no money at the end of the month...I knew that getting a bigger house would mean sacrifice and ds1's therapy doesnt come cheap either but its still v v despressing.

I love bamboozles too, and have them in both sizes for overnights :)
I have quite a lot of different types of nappy, but prefer them as slimline as possible during the day which I find is generally more likely with pocket nappies, but I'm willing to be proved wrong!!

Ninja, stop talking to the NPD control freak and put everything in writing naming a date for when he has to respond by if he objects to your plans. Send it by recorded delivery and copy in someone he doesn't know.

If he asks who it is say it is your advisor/representative whatever.

If he asks you anything say you'll get back to him in writing, same as if he asks you to commit to something.

If he says something stupid, (like the tent thing), go home and write it down, clarifying that that was what he said, ccing your rep.

I'll be your rep if you like. You don't have to actually send me a thing.

Starlight guess who has experience dealing with difficult people/authorities.

The starnge thing is he has always asked me to put things in writing (e-mail rather than letter) and so I do, but he never replies.

These are good ideas though.

I'll try by e-mail as I know I have a record, then take it from there.

It's all easier said than done though

carrie have you tried itii bitti delish - very slimline and easy

Bec Northumberland is lovely - we had a great holisday there when I was pregnant.

Can someone invent ear-plugs that block out other parents talking about their DC's fecking reading levels . Now AFAIK DS is doing ok, he's on red books and can read most of his first words. But some other kids his age (not at his school) are already on Year 1 keywords . I'm going to speak to his teacher and see if I need to push him a bit. I have no idea if he's in the bottom, middle or top group for his class .

My new mantra needs to be "it's a marathon not a sprint". Doesn't stop me fretting about it though.

Better go, the small people need their tea. Pasta with butternut squash.

ninja I am looking forward to it, actually...its a cottage on a NT property 20 yeards from the beach! If we get good weather should be good.

I have always wanted to go to Lindisfarne and holy island so hoping to do that too.

meg Dont listen...that way madness lies!

Ninja

Use email if you like but word it in an authoritive way where you have made the decisions and he only has to reply if he objects. That way you never need to wait for an answer.

i.e. Dear X,

I am just writing to you to clarify that I understood correctly your comments with regards to my informing you that I was going to take the children to Bestival. Your response was (to quote): 'I'll come too and stay in the tent with you as half of it is mine!' and 'Anyone can get a ticket and come!'.

Please let me know if I have got this wrong or misunderstood.

Regards,

Me
CC random person (or self with made-up email address)

__

Same for. 'I am taking the children way from x until x. Please let me know by return of email if you have any objections and what those might be.' I'll need to know by x date so if you haven't contacted me by then I will assume you are happy with the arrangements.

cc random person.

__

If he objects to random person. Tell him he has other woman to support him/talk things through with so you've got the same.

Be very factual in all your written communication and write it as if indeed there is a random person monitoring your communications. Have it in mind that one day one of your children may see some of it too so be careful of writing anything like 'When I explained why you couldn't come, you turned to x child and told her that I was preventing you from coming and causing her distress'.

Just don't write anything like this iyswim.

What star said

ninja I love the sound of itti bitti but don't like the fact that they are sized...however they have now brought out the itti bitti tutto which aren't as pricey as they sound coz you can re-use the wraps. Might have to give them a go!

meglet my DD (pfb) is, in my humble opinion, extremely gifted at reading. She is in the top reading group in reception. And just like your DS she has just moved onto the red books (which she is far from being able to read properly). So chill out, your DS is doing incredibly well and is also extremely gifted at reading and quite excellent in every way . Year 1 words indeed. Pah. I asked a friend who is a primary teacher about DD's reading (tbh hoping for a compliment about how quickly she'd advanced . Can't believe I just admitted to that ) and she said moving onto red books at this stage sounds 'about right'. So that learnt me

But carrie they have good resale value, and tbh anything that is birth to potty won't be as slim, will it?

You'd probably be on the 2nd size, so that's only 2 sizes. They really are lovely the smallest I found yet absorbant and dead easy to use.

Can read .... in reception?? DD1 couldn't really read until the end of year 2 (well a bit before that but it was like pulling teeth) and now she's one of the best in the year. Really- don't worry

carrie - size 2 nappies (assuming 1,2,3) tend to go from about 3 months to 2 years plus, so may go to potty training if you're lucky! Gettting less-cool large nappies may convince a child to try the potty, too - I had to hide ds's favourites.

Ittis are fab and slim but expensive - no wraps just the outer that you pop inserts in. I have one with 2 or 3 sets of inserts if you'd like to try it (numpty nursery temp chucked out the other outer...)

Been sorting out mountains of nappies, clothes, sheets, etc. Found one box full of muslins and old grobags which I think will get shoved on a high shelf just in case I get a sicky baby this time. The new cotbed seems huge!!

Urgh what a day. Tea time is such a nightmare at the moment, today DS2 screamed himself sick while waiting for some attention while I was frantically trying to cook the oh-so-complicated fish fingers and mash (and I'd pre-chopped all the veg earlier) so I switched to feeding him instead while a very tired DS1 waiting patiently for a cuddle :( then fed everyone their stone cold dinner. During which DS1 wet himself

ninja and NC I was totally sold on the itti bitti d'lish, they do sound, well, d'lish, but looking at the growth charts, DS2 stands to be too big for the middle size by the age of around 18m

We have been talking about getting the house professionally cleaned as a one-off now that the extension and decorating are finished, and also replacing the breakfast bar for a much wider one. But the quotes for both came in today and they are way in excess of what we expected/could afford so I suspect neither will happen :( Which I know isn't the end of the world, and serves me right for putting my hope in the wrong things!

meglet the other thing about reading is the importance of reading for meaning. For all that my DD can recognise a lot of words, she has no idea by the end of a sentence what went at the start, and usually at the end of a book will ask me to 'read it fast' so she can hear the story. Pushing kids on to the next level is not always the best thing, as they might not be reading for meaning (but equally they might be, some kids are just astonishingly quick at learning to read).

carrie is he way too small to go into the big size, I'm tring to remember when I got them? I basically had a very short time on the middle size, but the big size lasted for ages (she was chunky and so in them at a smaller weight)

So.

Boiler failed on Weds. Couldnt be fixed.

No hot water or heat since then.

New boiler beign fitted today - £2k.

Lovely.

Star

First 2 letters sent off yesterday - only was reply was who is ....... ?(star - that's be you!)

He then texted me today to ask who you were (this starnger being copioed into our private e-mails) and I told him that I'd sought some advice as I was struggling with communication as he wasn't replying

Yes but who is she?

She's advising me

Yes but who is she?

She's my advisor

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OK I can understand her being copied into X e-mai9l but not Y e-mail as it involves the children.

Well it's certainly riled him and got him replying!!

What shall I say about you?

Thanks

I've been your advocate for 4 years, that's all he needs to know.

Don't engage in a discussion about it. His behaviour may get a bit worse for a bit whilst he struggled with the new rules and boundaries and restrictions an observer places on his behaviour, but hopefully things will then start to get better.

And you are entitled to discuss your children with whomever you damn like.

I think he'll be struggling with opposing emotions because on one hand he's always tried to persuade me that it's ME who has coomunication and other problems, so he can't complain about me getting advice .

On the other hand he's not in control.

Can I tell him that anything sent will be kept confidential but beyond that I'm not willing to discuss?

and thanks

he's being such a pain at the moment that anything is worth a try

btw Bec sorry to hear that at least that should be the end of that. Not easy to absorb just after Chrsitmas though

It's not that you're unwilling to discuss it, but your advisor has advised you not to iyswim. Kind of 'computer says no.'

Look. You need to be careful. It might be satisfying to see him annoyed or wound up but that isn't your aim. Don't antagonise him deliberately. Your aim is simply to get him to regulate his behaviour. This 'advisor' is not a big deal, it is just someone who is there for you. You can even suggest that they are observing to regulate YOUR behaviour if you like.

Starlight ikwym and I'm not trying to annoy him, I'm just glad that he is actually answering me, and I did say that I'd got some advice because I was struggling to egt us communicating well - happy to say it's about me.

Thing is he works in an area where he should know all about this!

ninja Meh, whaddya gonna do? Bread and water til Michaelmas!!

Well done on imposing the new rules (or should that be plain common decency?) on the twatbadger...you know I am never going to call him by any other term now, dont you???