The CRESH spa and creche: we ALL deserve crap ham

[FannyPriceless]

Enter all ye ESHes. We've been Barren, we've been Pregnant - now at last we are Child-Rearing.

• Come share your questionable tips on raising a real live baybee!
• Compete with Cunty to take control of the bad mummy crown!
• Eat crap ham - after all, you deserve it!

light if it?s anything like our walking backpack I don?t think you?d get it on as hand luggage, it?s too big.

Okes, Peppa Pig Land definitely doable in half a day, and the rest of Paultons Park in the other half - if you can drag the child away! We decided it would have been better to have done the non-Peppa Pig bit of the park first. Sadly the kids had already seen it by that point.

Also, definitely do not cross straps in front of body - that does squash the frontage!

Lights a baby on BA is allowed their own piece of hand luggage and a pram too. The dimensions for the hand luggage are 56cm x 45cm x 25. Most carriers are larger than this, but if you can get all your baby stuff into the bottom of the carrier and don't take another piece for him, I would be inclined to smile brazenly at them and not even mention it. I work for BA, BTW, and am a hand luggage fanatic's nightmare. I would happily tell people that over-heavy hand luggage is what killed many of the people who died in the Kegworth disaster, and that is why they lock me in a box at work, safely out of the way of the paying public! I wouldn't have any problem with a baby carrier though.

PS, LG is 9 and a half months old. I left him with Cluck for a couple of hours today while I went to the dentist, and he had a lovely smile on his face when I got back. I got a piece of cake, and as soon as he saw if he spat out the plastic toy coin he had apparently been harbouring in his mouth for ages!

We seem to be on tooth number 2. Smooch is 4 months old. This to me seems bonkers.

casp sorry you had a shitty weekend. You fucking deserve something super-marvellous to happen sharpish and dat's da troof.

everyone else I had a load of other responses to stuff people said. But I can't remember a bloody thing! Jam for brains.

Not only am I bad at parenting my own children, I can't be trusted with other people's kids either

Cossie - fixing your own oven?? Isn't that what we have men for??? I like to leave MrCluck to deal with such things.....usually involves calling out another man to do it properly though.

We travelled with a family who took a backpack carrier instead of a pushchair and handed it over at the door to the plane Lights so I imagine you would be OK.

Good tip leaving the Peppa Pig Land bit to last Box - will bear that in mind when we get round to going.

Box thanx for the info on ba policy. Am inclined to go for the brazen smiling approach. Back in our days as diving instructors we wrote the book on fiddling the carry on rules - put all the really heavy but compact equipment in the carry on bags - watching the other half nonchalently slinging 40kg of weight over one shoulder at the check-in desk was always amusing...I used to fly in fear that the entire overhead locker would collapse on our heads.

Worst comes to the worst, we can hand it in at the door...

Gin tooth no. 2 at 4 months? Your child is clearly Gifted...

Oh yes Lights I would be down on you like a ton of bricks, telling you how your luggage could fall down on you like a ton of bricks! I'm a nice ESH normally, but in RL hand luggage is something you will struggle to get me off a soapbox about. Kills people, it does. (And I had to watch video footage of passengers trying to get out of the Kegworth aircraft during my training. That crash revolutionised the brace position you are shown during the safety briefing, as the way you place your hands when your over-heavy bag drops on them can make the difference between only one hand being smashed to smithereens and both of them being pulpy stumps incapable of opening the seatbelt buckle and causing you to burn to death in your seats. You do watch the safety briefing, don't you.....?)

Getting off the soapbox now! And calm again. Unless you have bricks in your baby carrier though, should be fine. The dimensions are to limit people putting ludicrously large wheelies in the lockers.

so, box AIBU to be taking a Trunki, even though it's actually larger than Thomas Cook's size restrictions for hand luggage . Don't worry, the other bag is small. What gets me is the way people have to restrict hand luggage before security, but can then buy bags fulls of bottles of duty free which then perch precariously over my head in the locker. I always try very hard to make sure what is above me is actually mine. I'd rather be killed by my own junk.

Actually, the bit I am dreading this weekend is trying to eat our in-flight meals while wrestling with Squeaks on our laps. I think one parent will have to eat while the other tries to silence and straightjacket the small.

gin you are proper lovely you. And I am getting something nice, a first birthday party and a week in a sunny place with a private pool and other adults to assist with child watching. 'twill be bliss, I tell thee.

Poor BabyGin with his early teeth. I felt so awful yesterday when Squeaks wanted to chew her pineapple (loves the stuff) but seemed in pain every time she tried. And then there was blood on the food and so many tears . But she's much better today, and spent an hour before bed impressing us with her attempts to walk between parents, managing to stand unaided and take three to four steps before plunging into my bosom (poor bugger - not much cushioning there). It's like she's trying to get it before she turns 1! And then she was getting into a head-stand-type crawl position and found it hilarious if I lifted her legs into an actual head stand. Wee nutter. I'm being all mushy cos I love it when she's happy, which hasn't seemed like a lot these past three months.

A happy end to what has been quite a sad day, for other reasons.

I take a Trunki for TT, Cas. Without bricks in it . Having said that, I -ahem - generally travel with my own company and it falls well within the measurements.

I once took my dad to the airport to fly on one of my staff travel tickets. He called me to come and get him, distraught, because he had to offload some of his hold luggage. He had 57 kilos of godknowswhat in an old army kit bag! The limit was 23 kilos. He was also wearing a string vest and they told him it wasn't suitable clothing. I despair, sometimes!

Oh yes, just read the rest of your post, Cas - don't get me started about duty free! I can feel my blood pressure rising already just thinking about all the big glass bottles of flammable liquid when I can't even take a medium sized tube of toothpaste with me.

I have been known to drink a good measure of my own duty free on a crappy Air France flight to Cuba... was forced to as they ran of of Gin (and wine, and beer and everything..)

clucks I am a modern indepenent woman innit. I can do anything.

Ref brace position box, i always thought it was to maximize the chances of your teeth being left intact so you could maybe be identified after a crash. Mind, a significant part of my work is to do with disaster victim i.d. so i do get a bit obsessed about odontology

My understanding is the same cunty, with added 'with any luck you'll break your neck on impact rather than roast in your seat with shattered limbs'.

Good job I'm not a nervous flyer!

It's to minimize flailing limbs. The hand position and leg position changed after Kegworth - the legs are to be tucked backwards to stop your legs flying up and breaking on the back of the seat in front, and you put one hand on top of the other rather than interlocking the fingers as this means only one hand is mangled. They try and identify you by the seat you are strapped into, although teeth are useful too. Having your head between your legs in the kind of 'kiss your ass goodbye' crash isn't going to improve your chances of getting into the right box for the funeral though - Afaik it's the molars that are best for identifying you with and they are harder to break. Although I broke one eating a Midget Gem just last weekend!

Anyway, why be a pessimist? People do survive crashes - BA38, Hudson River Airbus, Comores Hijack - a lot more people would have survived that one if they had read the safety card! Air France though? Yer stuffed! I'd drink the duty free, too. And they did for the Concorde too.

What a jolly topic for a Tuesday lunchtime I'm sooo looking forward to going back to work .

What Concorde blew up cos of the duty free,?

No, a combination of many things, that didn't include duty free. But Air France were instrumental in bringing about the permanent grounding of it. And it depends which report you read as to whether they could have been a bit better prepared for the incident which brought the Concorde down.

Cheery stuff :o I always assumed like alps that brace position was to snap the neck/quicker death rather than asphyxiating or dying in a fireball but maybe that's an urban myth? Hadn't thought of weight and flammability of duty free, just makes no sense they allow it now you think of it.

I have been a busy bee all weekend, festival on Saturday, loads of visitors on Sunday, and yesterday was my first day on my own as TB went back to work (eek!) It was a busy day in the end though as I had to get out to the dentist forst thing (Sprout screamed all through MY filling, whats that about?) then the MW came and discharged us (yey!) and my friend came round to watch shit tv and give me a pedicure in the avo. So all in all a good day! Apart from forgetting to get Sprouts last dose of Vit K administered, oops!

Rocket, I have a dentist-y related friend called Forst. Never thought of her as a thing!

Can I come off the naughty step now please [puppy eyes]? I pwomise not to allow the father of our child to carry too much carry on ever again... Actually, we hardly ever fly these days, let alone carry all our worldly goods from one side of the globe to the other whilst living a life of wild abandon .

I always thought the brace position was to snap your neck as well...not that I could actually get me head anywhere near me knees when flying in the more affordable end of the travel market of course...I'd just be face planting into that seat back table toggle thingie.

I have decided to engage my son in Sleep Wars. He's perfectly capable of sleeping through the night - on Friday morning I had to wake him up because he still wasn't up by 7.45, then over the weekend, with the arrival of Gran from Belgium, he decides it would be a good idea to start waking again. So with her gone, and the other half instructed to stick his head under his pillow, last night I decided to just give him water and hold him 'till he went to sleep. Took me an hour and a half with wide awakeness and then on and off crying but he finally conked out and slept through till 7.45 again, and didn't seem particularly hungry when he woke up. I don't have the cojones to leave him to cry it out, but I figure this way he still gets the comfort but gets the message that he's no longer going to get fed during the night. Am I evil? He's over 7 months old so I figure he can handle it...no idea whether that's what the books tell you to do but feels right to me...

Given that over 70% of air crashes are survivable, why on earth would you want to give your passengers a position that is designed to kill them? There has been extensive scientific research into the best position to survive a crash with the least amount of injuries. The brace position in economy when the space is too tight to put your head on your knees is detailed in the safety briefing - you do watch the briefing, don't you? Proven fact - watching the briefing and acting on the advice improves your survival no end! The brace position is also completely different in Club and First where the seating is rear-facing. The only people on the aircraft who have no designated brace position are babies and pilots .

So, all reasons for bracing that don't involve best-outcome survival are disproved here and here. I could put up links to AAIB stuff too, but it's a pita to find, and Snopes and Wiki quote the best references, which are paper-only journals.

God, I've gone all boring on the subject. Having said that, I do get het up about aviation safety. Which is something I'm sure you'll all be very pleased to know.

Zippolighter get off the naughty step! The sad fact is that even if you moderate your carry-on weight, some other fucker will try and get all their worldly goods into the locker above your head. Barstewards. Everyone should travel naked and sedated, with all their stuff in the hold, and while they are out of it have subliminal messages played into their heads that no one knows how Ryanair can sell flights for 50p on a jet which cost 60 million squid and needs 12 tons of fuel to get you to your destination. It would make my life a lot easier.

BTW I don't know how to get a baby to sleep all night - I've never managed it yet. I suspect it has something to do with not having enough bedrooms in my case. (The extension is ready for it's roof though. I don't know if I can contain my excitement!)

SFF has declared that the thinner/lighter you are, the more baggage allowance you should be allowed. "just to balance things out" .

Good luck in sleep wars lighty. It's one areas where it would be nice if all babies were the same. I can't sit in with mine and cuddle, because at the slightest hint of attention she wants to get up and play. But she has generally been a good sleeper - which is why I can't really complain that she wakes between 5.45 and 6.15 am, because that is usually straight through from 7pm.

She has spent the whole day at nursery trying to walk.

We've been gazumped!

There are not enough swear words in the world.

But I'll give it a go...

Agents are bloody funking wanking shit-eating arse cunts.

Nope, that's just not enough... I still need more swear words.

The bastards! I was just thinking about you on the way home today fanny. and that I should ask where your new house is. The fucking twatwanking cunts.

That's crap FP! How far along had you got in the process? Utter shite. Estate agents are evil evil evil.

Curly - he seems to be waking up wide awake and playful. Only way I've been able to get him to conk back out again the last few days has been to stick a boob in, which can't go on forever. Now I'm just doing the holding thing and will see how it goes - he starts off playful then gets grumpy when no milk is forthcoming. He clearly still needs more sleep though as he does eventually go back down again.

Box I used to do a bit of aircraft financing in my former job. Got to go on the inaugural flight of an Indian low cost airline a few years back (whose name I shan't mention). They let me sit in the jump seat as we came in to land when I mentioned I'd got half way through my PPL in my youth. Was particularly impressed when the airline's chief flight officer answered his mobile phone during final approach. How's that for health and safety!