To think some posters need a "reality check" re. views on benefit changes

[lesley33]

I have some concerns about some of the proposed changes to benefits and how these may adversely affect people. So this is NOT a thread about that. But I am getting increasingly fed up at some of the frankly ridiculous reasons some posters are giving against the proposed changes. Examples include:

1. That children 12 and over will be traumatised if both parents work - even if second parent only works 20 hours a week.

1. That a parent with children 12 and over shouldn't have to commute up to 90 minutes each way to work. Far from ideal I know and if someone is on low wages this might not be affordable. But perfectly doable.

1. That childcare is impossible to get for teenagers. Ignoring the fact that many parents, myself included use a combination of kids home alone and afterschool activities.

AIBU to think some people need a reality check? Plenty of people with children already work, many with both parents working full time by the time their kids are teenagers. Plenty of people have long commutes, struggle with childcare, etc. Things might not be "ideal", but these are things that many many working parents already do.

You helped your mum care for your father, thats great but please dont act as though that meant you were in the same position as a parent with a disabled child.

i agree - you cannot compare any two sets of circumstances but i was being told 'you know nothing' which in not correct. i have my own experiences which are not the same but noone has lived a perfect life.

What has how much you earnt got to do with it? nothing i was angry & wanted to piss you off.

sunshineandbooks yes but i was the only person who he asked to by pills off the internet for suicide, will you travel with me to teh clinic etc.

yes money makes it easier but my dad grew up with holes in his shoes so the money he had, no one gave it to him.

i found a way that worked for me. plenty of you have critisied me for that. noone has told me how i should have coped better.

so how?

I've only read the first post and a couple of random posts in the middle....but wtf are you on woman??

There are no jobs! and if i could find a job i'd need 2 very important things:

A SN childminder that could guarantee that they would never have any children below the age of 4 or 5 with them (autistic/aspergers son is violent towards smaller children, it's the crying and noise thing)
and an employer that wouldn't mind me popping off to collect him from school/take him to appointments now and again.

If i was working now, i'd have already needed 3 days off since january 1st.

You know what. Up until now i have never claimed dla for him because i felt like a fraud.... claiming money for looking after my child? I'm supposed to do that anyway! but i gave in yesterday... i claimed for him. He needs extra things that i cannot afford, like yesterday when he had a meltdown in asda and i had to abandon my shopping and catch a taxi home that cost £10 out of my shopping money. I don't have a family or inlaws to help or support... it's just me and my kids.

I'm sick to death of people thinking i'm the scum of the universe because i'm on benefits.... i was good enough when i was married and my partner and i were bringing in over 2k a week between us (he was a plumber and heating engineer and we all know how much they get paid) If i was good enough then, why am i not good enough now? Why did i get a "well done" pat on the back then but the moment i left the abusive shithead and made myself a single parent i'm deemed as 'just another single parent conning the government'

God help some of you if you should ever have to face a days REAL problems instead of sitting in your ivory towers looking down at those you think less worthy. Who needs a reality check here? Not me!

what a pile of shit.
helping care for a parent is not the same as alife of caring for a disabled child, there is comparison.
it reminds me of my db who did a few days caring for my dad when he was ill, attended a couple of meetings and now thinks he knows what my life is like.
as for prattling on a bout orphans, wtf has that got to do with the price of chips.

What has how much you earnt got to do with it?

nothing i was angry & wanted to piss you off

It didnt piss me off Tilly, it just showed even more how you have no idea.

No one is criticising you for how you dealt with your fathers disability, I dont think you need telling how you should have coped better.

I think what people are trying to say is admirable as it is, caring [or helping with the care] for a disabled/ill parent is not the same as caring for a disabled child. the fact you were able to work and command such a high wage shows that.

So dont take offence if people say that your way of coping in that situation wont really help us in our situation.

Sevenfold - i didnt said that - i was told i knew NOTHING. but go ahead. dont read what i wrote, infer what makes you feel better.

So dont take offence if people say that your way of coping in that situation wont really help us in our situation

i wasnt told i was a pollyanna who knew nothing.

if you are doing ok there is alway the assumption you have NEVER overcome ANY adversity.

if you are doing ok there is alway the assumption you have NEVER overcome ANY adversity

Yeah and if you're not doing 'ok' there seems to be an assumption that its because you're not trying hard enough.

No not 'not hard enough'

we started talking about different approaches. whether you should rely on the state, expectations of relationship breakdown.

my coping technique is different you dont have to like it but someone somewhere might find it useful.

If my circumstances were the same as yours were Tilly, id probably have done the same.

Im ok for coping techniques, its the practical stuff that is a worry. no amount of positive mental attitude can help with the practical stuff.

i dont sit here looking down my nose at people on MN. i have worked for £3 per hour (pre NMW).

many of my family work in NMW wage jobs. i dont see myself as better or cleverer than them. or anyone else.

if you want to think i that do, that is projection.

AmberLeaf i hear what you are saying. but not everyone is talking about just the practical stuff.

Sorry I just want to clarify, I was quoting from HuntyCat who said her ex was a twat!

DH is the Father to both mine, has a job, and is not a twat :)

Sorry for any confusion!

I was told by the job center that i couldnt get a job a 5 min train journey away that fitted in with school, term time & meant i wouldnt need childcare for DD all because i also medically cant drive. I have a job interview tomorrow at that place, for the vacancy that i sent my CV to MYSELF!

What about the kids who have learning disabilities etc? Would you want to leave them alone at home for long hours? I wouldnt. I'd be too concerned that there might be an accident and they might not know what to do. There have been times when i've been home alone at 11 & i've left the gas hob on without knowing among other things. There arent any jobs. Parents going back to work starting from scratch with a completely new way of thinking before they had kids. There's a lot to consider when you go back to work after a few years or start looking for work when your child starts school.

imzadi - i completely share your comment.

some shocking lack of empathy TRTM. Good for you coping in your admittedly difficult situation, well done - although you were able to hold down a high-flying career and were not the main carer. Can you not extend the same to people who are coping with much more difficult situations 24/7 for foreseeably the rest of their lives? with the added burden of knowing they will probably outlive their SN children and the worry that that brings with it.

FWIW I vote Tory (sorry), but I can still see that people in hard circumstances need a helping hand, not a kick in the teeth.

boschy it was terribly bad for my mum looking after my dad for 5 years - so i can understand something of what decades of that would do to someone.

so would you rather i said 'thats terribly sad' & left it at that?

when my dad was ill, i hated it when anyone gave me sympathy.

well if you can understand something of what decades of caring for another adult is like, why do you not seem to understand what it is like for parents of chidlren with SN?

I have no axe to grind, am not a parent of a child with SN or in receipt of benefits, but it seems to me to be far harder to be a parent in that situation than to be a partner of another adult, or the adult child - because in the natural span of things, the child will usually outlive the parent. To then be told you are scrounging and work-shy because circumstances will not allow you to work, and then to have your benefits cut because your child is not quite 'disabled' enough seems like another kick in the teeth.

it didnt make it any easier & i didnt want thier sympathy.

I think the post below kind of sums up what I was feeling.

"That everyone struggles. That there are always things to deal with. People have to make decisions and take actions that are far far from ideal, because the alternative is to fall into the abyss.

And they do it. Not with a glad heart, but they do it. And it really pisses them off when they see others refusing to do the same."

Not that I am or was pissed off - just frustrated.

Like most people I know there are some very good reasons why people can't work. They can't find jobs, they can't find work that pays enough to cover travel or childcare, they can't find childcare, etc, etc.

But it does annoy me when posters say things like they won't get a job because they don't want their teenagers coming back to an emnpty house (no other reason such as SN given), that they don't want a long commute, etc.

I have 4 kids. Along with lots and lots of parents I have had to do things that aren't "ideal" but are perfectly doable to be able to work (and I know not everyone can do these things - but some posters are saying they wouldn't as it is not ideal!)

For example, having a long commute for unsocial low paid hours job that meant for 2 years I got back at 8.30/8.45pm and saw my kids in the evening for a very short time - DP looked after them in evening. And have my teenagers at home alone looking after themselves afterschool and I have for a time regularly worked every Sunday. None of this is "ideal". But we manage and my kids are doing well - thanks posters who basically said any teenagers left alone regularly would become yobs.

I sort of agree with Tilly. Life can be wearing and I don't pretend to know other people's burdens. I guess the burden of a Somalian (or any other) mother who gives birth to her child and helplessly watch it die because she can't get food or simple healthcare is beyond my comprehension. And yet people swat away this predicament so casually. No reason for anyone to starve or die from tb or measles in the west.

We expect others to have compassion for us. It's relative poverty, not absolute.

I'm thankful for every day I'm here for myself and for my child.