Wanting to find Jesus but struggling.

[ALittleRoundCat]

I am dictating this, so apologies for any mistakes.

Also this is the religion/ philosophy section so if you do not believe in Jesus or anything that I am talking about please be respectful of the section and spirit this has been posted in and exercise your right to scroll onto the next post please.

I was raised a catholic, baptised as a baby, I went to catholic primary and high schools, but I never really felt a connection to it. In fact, I hate it being forced to go to church on a sunday and the whole going to hell thing used to scare me so much as a child.

As I got into my teenage years, I started to refuse to go to church, and in my teens, I dabbled in paganism and all sorts.

I always believed in something bigger but couldn't pin it down.

Anyway, I am now in my forties, and I really feel drawn back to Jesus. I can't explain it.I don't know why.But for about 2 or 3 years now, I just keep thinking about Jesus and living my life with him and wanting to trust him to help me change my life.

About a year ago I attended a funeral with Mass as at a Catholic church and again felt nothing. No emotion at being in church or being part of that service.

But on my own, at home I feel the urge to pray. I secretly listen to hymns and uplifting songs and cry with emotion.

My sister is a Born again Christian and keeps asking me to attend her church. I don't want to. I don't want to go to mass or meet people or anything like that, I have bad social anxiety and its just not somwthing that interests me.

But she said her friend can baptise me. That this feeling and calling is Jesus asking me to trust him and hand my life over to him and the only way to do that is through baptism.

I told her I wouldn't be attending church or anything but was really considering doing it.

I told my husband who is also baptised Catholic but is agnostic verging on athiest and he got really upset.

I was shocked. He said what am i selling my soul to? Who is this woman, what am I signing up for, what is the churches beliefs.

And then he said - what if you do this and then when we die, we aren't together because Catholicism is the real thing and you invalidated it by getting baptised again.

I cried my eyes out.

I have OCD and extreme anxiety. My whole life is me living in fear of making a decision that will bring harm to my family.

That is why I have been wanting to hand my life over to Jesus. So he can help me with this burden of negativity but my husband saying that just terrified me.

And it makes no sense as we baptised our eldest child purely to get him into a good school and his siblings followed on a sibling connection so didn't get baptised.

So if he was really worried about us not being together in heaven why didn't he baptise our subsequent kids?

I just feel so sick and lost.

I felt so sure that this would be good for me. Washing away all my guilt and lonliness but now i just feel confused and scared.

I told my sister what happened and shenis saying i have to get baptised that its jesus thats calling me to do it.

But again I feel like she is talking from the influence of her church. Another man made religion that had beliefs I don't adhere to.

This is why I felt such a disconnect from Catholicism, the fear and guilt of doing the wrong thing and there being punishment in the afterlife for it. I just want to live Jesus without all the red tape.

And now I don't know if getting baptised will save me or condemn me.

Has anyone been through similar?

I've done horrendous things, like everyone else - huge, glaring cock ups where I've crossed the line and paid the price, been selfish and cruel and spiteful from my own brokeness

But I am not my mistakes, and I am not my faults

It's not a dismissive laugh - it's a head in hands groan of 'omg why did I do that!!!!!'

I am not a Roman Catholic as I do not agree with certain practices within that particular expression of doing church. I believe God is above all that denominational 'stuff' and meets people where they are. Personally, I have encountered a lot of people who had a Roman Catholic background, who struggle with confusion and guilt, but feel that I can stand easily alongside @Ipsevenenabibas with what binds us.

@Thegreatestoftheseislove This is a lovely thing to say and the feeling is mutual ❤️ We may not see everything exactly the same, but we can still recognise one another as sisters in faith, walking towards the same Lord 🙏

I think you are getting better advice from wiser people than me OP so I'll skidaddle now, but wishing you peace and happiness ❤️

My mother’s sisters were terrorised by nuns. They did not follow the teaching of Christ.

And havnt we all done things we are ashamed of?

Remember the bible was written thousands of years ago when fear and punishment was used to control people.

But I genuinely believe Jesus was trying to say - ‘Turn around. Come back. Be transformed. Forgiveness is available’

So if you did do something sinful - which as human being we were created to do - Jesus would ‘forgive you’

( Also what if Jesus was actually talking about learning to forgive ourselves but in that era people just wouldn’t have got it)

I think you need to do two things -

1. solidify your faith in Jesus Christ as a single entity. Forget the church and other denominations and whole bibles and have a Christ centred spirituality, there are even red bible books that just focus on Jesuses teachings. Or as you have been thinking go to your sisters church if you like that style better and feel welcome.

2. Maybe ask your GP for some help as it seems that you’re struggling with some past trauma?

I have not been through anything as hard as you’re experiencing.

My husband is an agnostic but is respectful. We cope with our differences with humour and care. He does concede that Christianity is a good way to live but he doesn’t get the spiritual side.

I have had a spiritual call though and you can’t ignore that! That’s not to say I have doubts or times when I laugh at myself for believing. But I do and that’s all I can say.

I belong to a nice Anglican Church community and attend two services, a bible group and do volunteer work each week.

I enjoy services and find them thoughtful and nurturing. I can’t say I have great moments of spiritual connection in them but I like them and feel better for them.

In my other life, I am sweary and fond of a pint and loud rock music! But being a Christian does centre my thoughts and gives me a sort of kit bag of tools for life, if that makes sense?

I love Jesus and I’ve had too many prayers answered to ignore him.

I went to my nearest church in my village and found my people. I didn’t overthink it. I honestly don’t think it matters too much about what service you follow as long as you do spend an hour or so with believing people each week as this affirms faith.

You do have to make a decision to believe and you will have days that you will and days you won’t but it will become part of who you are .

Jesus himself wasn’t that into rituals but he did ask us to remember him with communion (which you’ll do as a RC) and to say his prayer… Our Father…. .

I would just do those things for now. You will gently grow in your faith and it will be beautiful.

Robin Gamble’s book Jesus 100 is a lovely way to connect with those stories you’ll remember from when you were a child and look at differently now you’re an adult.

God bless you, I hope it works out . Feel free to send me a message xx

https://alpha.org.uk/

In my experience not all Baptist chapels are the same, similarly with Church of England. You cannot make generalisations about the details of their beliefs. Peace be with you OP

God bless you dear sister ❤️

I'm very glad you have not had that experience but I do know Catholics who have, and that's down to human mistreatment within the Church, not the teachings of Jesus, of course.

Have you considered a spiritual councillor op?

Remember that religions are imperfect human interpretations of worship. Many find them helpful in guiding them but they may be too rigid for you or remind you too much of unpleasant accusations with your childhood.

You don't need an imposed structure to be close to god or jesus. Go into nature, swim, walk, feel the sun on your face, feel that power yourself.

Hi @ALittleRoundCat I think - try and find someone in rl who "knows their stuff" - eg a vicar, pastor, a nun or anyone you genuinely get on with who truly knows their bible and theology who can help you work through the questions and issues you are struggling with. xxx

I was raised atheist, but visited a church a few years ago on a work trip and felt calm and a sense of belonging as soon as I stepped inside. I am not officially religious, but since that day I often think of God and how He may be leading me. I don't read the Bible or visit church regularly, but I do have some sort of connection with God.
What I'm saying is that my journey looks different to others and that's ok, everyone has their own different relationship with Him. Maybe don't overthink it too much; if you're happy to pray at home and listen to hymns then that is your journey. Your journey may change over time, but ultimately it's about your connection and has nothing to do with anyone else.

Also @ALittleRoundCat I know you are not feeling a connection with Catholicism but actually @Ipsevenenabibas various comments are really helpful. Im not Catholic in anyway but definitely think what she has to say is good stuff - applicable regardless of which direction you end up going in.

I couldn't agree more. Jesus did not sit down among his followers and tell them that there was only one correct denomination of Christianity, did he?

All denominations have come about over the centuries, and all have their own interpretation of the Christian faith. They all say theirs is the right one, and not any of the others. Each one is no more right than anyone else, and they simply cannot assert that their particular denomination is the only way.

OP - Would Jesus send you to Hell for being baptised a Catholic and following another denomination instead? Absolutely not, so please don't pay any attention to anyone who says otherwise.

Hi Alittleroundcat,

It does sound like Jesus is drawing your heart towards Him.

I was also brought up in the Catholic Church, and while I did receive teaching from one wonderful nun when I was young, it didn’t really ring true when I got older.

However, like you, I did have a desire to have the comfort that comes from faith, and that motivated me to try some other churches.

I made an adult commitment to follow Jesus and I believe I am saved and will one day go to heaven because I believe Jesus died on the cross to take the punishment for my sins. Salvation is by faith, not by works, and is a gift that we receive when we believe and decide to live wholeheartedly for God.

Reading your post, I think you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure and are far too worried about what your sister and husband say. Worrying will only cause you confusion.

I got baptised as an adult, but not until two years had passed after making a decision to follow Jesus. When I got baptised, it was because I felt God wanted me to make that step, so it was something I did based on my relationship to God. In fact, my family weren’t pleased, but that’s life. It was the first time I really felt the Holy Spirit lead me to do something. When you are a believer, the Holy Spirit speaks to your heart, to guide you.

I think you need to keep praying, asking Jesus to help you find Him.
I don’t think you should be jumping into baptism unless you feel God wants you to do it. It’s difficult if you suffer from social anxiety, because church can be a real blessing and there is such variety within the church. Different things suit different people. I personally love loud worship and am happy in a big church, but you would probably hate that.
If your sister is a born again Christian, could she arrange for her pastor or a friend who is a mature Christian to visit you and have a chat with you.
Would you be willing to attend an Alpha course? Churches run them to introduce people to the Christian faith, and there would probably only be 10 or so people there. They explore different topics and are supposed to be quite good.

I also go to a small group at someone’s house. Most churches have these, we just meet in someone’s kitchen or living room and might have a look at a Bible passage and then we can ask for prayer if we need it. It’s very informal. Could you go to one of these with your sister?
There are also lots of online resources if you really don’t feel up to church attendance. If you feel drawn to Jesus, there is an App called the Chosen, which has lots of videos based on the Gospel stories.
Lots of churches livestream their services too, so you could get a feel for what the churches in your area are like by watching their online services and see if any of them appeal to you.

I can’t believe, when I posted, mentioning the Alpha course. This poster is so right OP!
xx

This is why I asked upthread if you read the Bible. Because when I was a Christian, my faith was a bit different to most established churches. And I would say near every Christian is a bit different.

Re your cinema story. Matthew 6:5-6.8.

"And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking. Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him." ( KJV)

If one equates a church to your cinema, here is Jesus saying directly, pray in secret. In other words, it's between you and your God.

On personal shame that one might feel :

Luk 15:7 I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance. (KJV)

When I was a Christian, Matthew, Mark and Luke was all I ever really needed. And my faith was strong. It was just as strong as any people telling me I was reading the bible wrong. I did read the whole book cover to cover, but I tried to work out for myself what it meant, rather than be told.

I stated I am atheist in my first post to be honest by the way. To make sure I am not accused of misrepresenting anything. Not for a debate on true or not. Because for a lot of people a personal faith can be a very powerful and comfortable thing. And I totally recognize that. And if it is something you seek for yourself, I would rather chip in to help in any small way I can.

On the matter of strength of faith. Have a look at the reaction to me stating I was an atheist. But Jesus said this -

Mat 5:10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (KJV)

Where is the strength of faith ii even the word "atheist" is so offensive ?

So yeah. If it is faith and belief you seek. I say read the Bible. And maybe recognize that your faith might be a bit different to what others have. But that does not mean it is lesser.

I began learning about the Muslim perspective of Jesus through chatting to a friend and it made so much more sense to me than my Christian upbringing ever did. It has made me feel much closer to God and Jesus’ teachings.

Except their Jesus is just a prophet, you can’t pray to him, you can’t encounter God’s presence and you have no assurance of salvation.
Also, their main prophet married a six year old when he was in his fifties, so I’d steer well clear of Islamic prophets myself.

Hi OP,

This may help you: https://www.gotquestions.org/does-God-forget.html

When we are forgiven, God chooses to forget out sins because Jesus Christ has already died to atone for those when we repent. There is no need to fear judgement after repentance.

When we are saved, our sins are completely forgiven. This is what the writer of Hebrews is talking about—Jesus made a one-time sacrifice that completely removes our sin. In Christ, we are justified (declared righteous) before God. Romans 8:1 tells us there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Romans 8:31–39 is a beautiful discourse on our security in Christ. Sin has no say in our standing with God. We are fully accepted and declared righteous in Him. God does not remember our sins in the way He treats us. Instead, He treats us as righteous. Second Corinthians 5:21 says, “God made him who had no sin [Jesus] to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” In this way, God “forgets” our sins.

Forgiveness of others is part of following Christ and that inclues forgiving ourselves for who we were before we knew Him. If He forgives us, then we must do the same since we aim to be like Him, as much as possible, and he is the ultimate authority.

I'm sorry that an adult marred your view of Jesus Christ. There are a lot of 'believers' and non-believers that claim to know Jesus and don't know Him at all.

I hope this gives you some comfort so that you can approach Jesus with a lighter heart.

I abhore Islam.

@ALittleRoundCat you can neither surprise nor shock Jesus. He loves you - all of you, good and bad. Perfection is not on the list of attributes for a Christian.

Psalm 103:8-12 NIrV
[8] The Lord is tender and kind. He is gracious. He is slow to get angry. He is full of love. [9] He won’t keep bringing charges against us. He won’t stay angry with us forever. [10] He doesn’t punish us for our sins as much as we should be punished. He doesn’t pay us back in keeping with the evil things we’ve done. [11] He loves those who have respect for him. His love is as high as the heavens are above the earth. [12] He has removed our sins from us. He has removed them as far as the east is from the west.

bible.com/bible/110/psa.103.8-12.NIrV

Psalm 139:1-18 NIrV
"[1] Lord, you have seen what is in my heart. You know all about me. [2] You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know what I’m thinking even though you are far away. [3] You know when I go out to work and when I come back home. You know exactly how I live. [4] Lord, even before I speak a word, you know all about it. [5] You are all around me, behind me and in front of me. You hold me safe in your hand. [6] I’m amazed at how well you know me. It’s more than I can understand. [7] How can I get away from your Spirit? Where can I go to escape from you? [8] If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I lie down in the deepest parts of the earth, you are also there. [9] Suppose I were to rise with the sun in the east. Suppose I travel to the west where it sinks into the ocean. [10] Your hand would always be there to guide me. Your right hand would still be holding me close. [11] Suppose I were to say, “I’m sure the darkness will hide me. The light around me will become as dark as night.” [12] Even that darkness would not be dark to you. The night would shine like the day, because darkness is like light to you. [13] You created the deepest parts of my being. You put me together inside my mother’s body. [14] How you made me is amazing and wonderful. I praise you for that. What you have done is wonderful. I know that very well. [15] None of my bones was hidden from you when you made me inside my mother’s body. That place was as dark as the deepest parts of the earth. When you were putting me together there, [16] your eyes saw my body even before it was formed. You planned how many days I would live. You wrote down the number of them in your book before I had lived through even one of them. [17] God, your thoughts about me are priceless. No one can possibly add them all up. [18] If I could count them, they would be more than the grains of sand. If I were to fall asleep counting and then wake up, you would still be there with me."

bible.com/bible/110/psa.139.1-18.NIrV

Jesus is all about love and acceptance. That may be what is drawing you. He loves you. Let it be enough.

It’s great to hear about your spiritual journey OP. As you’re struggling with social anxiety, there’s lots of ways to connect with faith at home. There’s a few national Christian radio stations - UCB 2 (on DAB or on smart speaker) might help you with music and different kinds of interviews and Bible teaching. You can also watch a lot of churches online on livestream.

But the best thing you can do is settle into a quiet space with no distractions and pray a simple prayer ‘God, I know you’re real. Please show me’. You might be surprised at what can happen next. Reading the Bible (start with one of the gospels) is a good way to start too.

That nudge that you’re feeling, to meet the real Jesus is a good and lovely thing. It can be a private journey totally different from your sister’s too. Please do consider posting on the Christian board. You’ll get support there.

Try the Orthodox Church OP.