Change of worship style at church

[IndigoIris]

I've been attending my local church for about 6 years and have really enjoyed going there each Sunday. The services were quite traditional - mainly hymns with an occasional worship song, readings, prayers and a sermon. I liked the quietness of the service and nearly always came away with something to think about that would help me during the week

The leadership has now changed and the style of the services has altered considerably. The hymns have been replaced with very lively worship songs (which I don't know) led by a worship band and there are elements of worship which I don't feel comfortable with. These include turning to the person you're sat next to and praying for them and the microphone being passed around so that you can share your testimony.

I didn't go last week because I had felt very uncomfortable the week before as I hadn't known how to join in an activity when we were split into groups for a discussion. But I missed going and my Sunday felt very empty

Part of me feels that I am wrong to feel like this as the congregation has increased in size and everyone else seems to enjoy the more lively style of worship. Everyone is very welcoming and friendly but I just don't feel that I fit in any more as I just want to go and sit quietly and take in what is being said but everything that happens there now is about "sharing your faith"

I'm very limited in choosing a church due to the area I live in and lack of transport. I just wondered in anyone had had a similar experience - if so, how did you deal with it?

I would also be very grateful if anyone could give me advice on handling the 'interactive' elements of church as I really don't think I can travel to another church but would miss going

Many thanks in advance for any replies

If you really can't travel to another church then you have to try and make this work for you.

How about talking to the church leader and explaining that you really enjoy coming to Sunday services but feel a little overwhelmed by the change in style. When they do group activities, could there be an option for those who don't enjoy that aspect to have an area where there is quiet reflection? I suspect you are not the only one feeling this way.

Is there another service you could go to? Sometimes churches offer a quieter service in the evening or earlier morning.

Failing that, I would speak to the leader. You are probably not the only one feeling that way, if there were others there already who enjoyed it the way it was. The ability of church leaders to listen is very important. I would ask if they could include more traditional elements and ask if there are ways he could incorporate more choice where you currently don't feel you have a choice (eg. Praying for your neighbour). You probably will need to compromise too as it's obviously this person's 'style' and you may come to enjoy or appreciate some of the newer additions. Pray to see the good, but do also bring up how you feel. There may be other voices, and the more people who say something, the more the penny may drop that this is not everyone's cup of tea.

I wonder if we go to the same church? The exact same thing has happened where I worship and it is leaving me feeling very uneasy. The new vicar is very keen to encourage younger people and quite a few of the congregation are concerned about his publicly-voiced attitude to older people. He's a big fan of HTB style worship and his vision is to have a church of 2000 young people.

I know I'm not alone in this. I've spoken to the vicar. He knows my feelings.

In a society that often fails, or fails to value older people, I hoped the church would be one place where we are not invisible.

Many thanks @LaLaLouella @PrincessOfPreschool and @FuzzyPuffling for taking the time to reply and for your helpful and thoughtful responses

There are only two services, morning and evening, and both follow a similar format apart from the children being included in the first part of the morning service

I started going to church after a very difficult time in my life and I felt that attending the services really helped me so I carried on attending. But the last few months have been so different and have highlighted to me that I don't have the same sort of faith that other churchgoers have so I'm now questioning whether church is the right place for me.

Having said that, I have been really upset to think that this may be the end of going to church. I don't feel able to talk to the leader as I'm sure he would regard my reluctance to join in with the new activities as being a symptom of not having a strong faith IYSWIM

I think another aspect of this is that the services always followed a format so felt "safe" as I knew what was going to happen. This has changed and it no longer feels safe as I never know from one minute to the next what I might be expected to do during the services. The discussion group was the final straw really as I said I just wanted to listen to what other people said, but they kept questioning me on what I thought and I didn't know what to say and found it upsetting

They are truly nice people but I'm just not the same as them

Writing all this down has really helped me as I don't have anyone in my life who would understand. Thanks again for your replies

If you don't feel you can approach the leaders, then I think you have to see if you can find a new church that you can attend, despite your transport limitations.

I'm sorry you've been disappointed like this if that church has given you such comfort in the past. I hope you find a new church family you feel comfortable with.

I would talk to the leaders. As there are two services it would be possible to make one more traditional, and one lively, and you could point out that this makes the church even more accessible and attractive to potential members because everyone is catered for.

Personally I love lively worship, but I don't think it's quite on to completely change a church overnight without discussion. There's also a danger with modern songs that they don't have a lot of biblical content, so I think a mix is important.

I led a worship band for 15 years and nearly always included hymns in our set. But there are modern songs that are really spiritual, and you will learn them eventually.

The problem with modern church services is that the idea that being “happy clappy” makes them more relevant. If you’re an introvert or you like tradition, there’s no place for you.
Does the church hold anything on week nights e.g. a bible study? That might be more manageable.
I think you’re in a no win situation as there’s really nothing you can do to change the style the leadership are now going for. So whatever you do will involve compromise e.g. staying and accepting it as it is, or travelling.

Personally, I would say stop going, as on balance, the anxiety overrides the benefits. I imagine there are online services you could log in to.

I am definitely an introvert!

There are "small groups" or "house groups" (not sure what the difference is) being set up but I think these sound as though they will follow a similar format to the discussion group that I couldn't cope with a couple of weeks ago.

Also, the new people who have joined all travel in from other areas so the groups are being held where they live, so will be outside of where I live

I'm of an older generation, very traditional, quiet & reserved, so perhaps its wrong of me to expect the sort of service which I have found helpful in the past when younger people, who are the church's future, prefer a livelier, more involved experience. It's lovely to see so many families in church with their children so I think I just need to accept it's not for me . . . .

@IndigoIris this makes me very sad, you are just as entitled as anyone else to go to church and have something that meets your needs.

Our vicar is more on the “happy-clappy” side, he only took over three years ago, but he still includes some traditional elements and hymns in the main service, we have a traditional communion mid week and we have an early service on Sunday which is from the Book of Common prayer. I tend to go to the BCP service.

Some people left the church and went to another local church that is completely traditional, but I feel we have a good compromise at ours.

Nobody should feel excluded at church, if you don’t feel able to say something is there someone else who you could tell in confidence who might approach the vicar/leadership team?

This happened in our traditional small town parish church. I ended up driving ten miles to the cathedral, where I worshipped very happily for a decade and was much involved with things. DH decided another small parish church was better for him so a friend collected him and they went together. We eventually moved somewhere we were both happy to worship. It's a horrible situation to be put in. The last straw for me was the vicar's wife going up for communion on Christmas morning wearing a green, flashing pair of antlers.

This happened at my church. I don't go any more.

To be blunt, the church roll was falling and although no-one would ever say this out loud, the older members of the congregation who were keeping everything going and liked the traditions were literally dying out. Unfortunately for me, I also liked the tradition, quiet and introspection so I wasn't at home there any more either.

I think the newcomers were also all just more religious than me as well whereas I was going for largely cultural reasons, so probably fairer for them to have it.

This makes me sad. Why do some people think that modern music, a drum kit and being an extrovert in terms of feeling comfortable praying out loud and sharing your faith with strangers = a successful and spirit filled church?

try to persevere with it, you won’t be the only one feeling that way and it can and should be possible for them to be a place where all are welcome not just those who’s faces fit and worship in a certain way.

But ultimately yes it is hard for them to please everyone and if that’s the direction they take and you no longer feel comfortable then you might be left with no choice. Or the other option is to have a “job” such as welcoming or sidesman or operating the projector or coffee afterwards so you’re not pressured to join in the activities and can busy yourself.

This situation is not uncommon. But I agree with PP that they should prioritise the needs of people who have worshipped at the church for a long period of time, even though it is changing. Especially if those people have limited transport so can’t easily change church.

OP, I would ask them to start a third service, using traditional language and liturgy. Lots of evangelical churches do this, often at 8am before the “family” service. It might be spoken word only, without music, but that makes it easy and cheap to put on. This is a good compromise that provides something for traditionalists as well as those who prefer contemporary worship. Maybe they can also do a monthly evensong with some beautiful, traditional music.

It might be hard to steel yourself to do it, but I think you should speak to the leader. (I'm assuming this isn't a change of vicar or rector in an Anglican church as you call it a change of leadership.) The new style of leader may well be attracting newcomers to church, but he or she shouldn't disregard the needs of existing members of the congregation. Rather than lose members who prefer a quieter form of worship, surely they could offer at least a fortnightly evening service on the previous lines. Which sounded very satisfactory in my opinion, a nice balance which left you feeling ready for the week. Do try speaking to them.

Is there a Catholic Church near you? The services are more traditional.

@Oleo24 Snap. The Roman Catholic Church has the same liturgy on any given Sunday worldwide. Tradition is it strength throughout history. It has also been criticised for it's refusal to change or compromise. However it is a big leap for you OP which is understandable. I hope you can find service you can feel at peace with.

If you don't feel you can approach the church leadership, if it's Church of England you can write to the area dean or the diocese. It's something I personally couldn't deal with either, you aren't alone. I fortunately drive and travel 10 miles to a church that suits my traditional choral style

I could have written your post myself.
A very similar thing happened to me.
Perhaps the time has come to find a new church which matches your expectations of worship.
Please don’t think that you are in the wrong or not a good Christian just because the new worship style doesn’t suit you. It doesn’t suit a lot of people. That’s not to criticise it - just to acknowledge that it’s not for everyone.
I hope you find a church where you feel comfortable again.

Sounds awful. Is this an Anglican church? Maybe you could try writing a letter to the Bishop of the diocese, setting out your concerns as you have here, and how this new style of worship makes you feel uncomfortable. You can't be the only member of the congregation who feels this way.

I went to a very loud church with this type of worship / service style. There was a prayer group which met early e.g. 8am and they were a handful of people who did the quiet style. Those people were rarely seen at the main service BUT they were well respected and the main service would frequently (every other week or so) talk about what the prayer group had been praying for and extend an invitation to join them in person or just pray at the same time at home.

I will say that in my experience church leaders are well aware that the loud / talkative style is not for everyone and it has zero to do with your strength of faith! It is part of their training. They are well aware of the need to offer experiences for a range of people.

Are there other people unhappy? Have any disappeared who you can contact to find out where they go - might get a lift!
This happened at a church near the border of Kent and Sussex. Week one of new vicar - preached on the need for a younger congregation, and not a bunch of old people clogging the pews. Week two - no clogging by the elderly who had migrated to the next village en mass.
Is this a CofE church? You could try approaching the Area Dean and asking if there is a nearby church offering more traditional services. It will at least let them know there is a problem.
If it is a Free Church there will be a similar hierarchy who could be asked. And you might find those churches fit you better. Readings, hymns, prayers and a sermon.
You might find a local Catholic church more welcoming, ours is but has hymns with different tunes. I prefer to belt out the old tunes!*
My parents used to try various churches to find where the Spirit wanted them. They started Congregationalist, but ended Anglican.
Read noticeboards to see what's on offer. Or look on line for churches in your area. And pray for guidance.
*I have to edit in Catholic Churches as I don't follow some of their beliefs, and I have the ghost of an issue from the past where, in Victorian times a new vicar from the Oxford Movement moved in and started AngloCatholic worship, losing many of his congregation. Lots of tin chapels sprang up thereabouts.
The church my parents went to in Kent had a board with all the previous vicars on it. During the Civil War one was recorded as an intruder who did not preach according to the 39 articles. This problem has a long history. I've just remembered how Wilfred, subsequently sainted, evicted a bunch of Irish missionary monks from Bosham and gained the kudos for converting Sussex.
There is usually a work round. God wants you, and the other oldies.

I have a very nasty addendum not in the spirit. Perhaps the worship team don't want an elderly congregation because they don't want the pastoral aspect of caring for them. Night time calls to the dying, for instance.

You should definitely talk to the leadership. Looking after the flock is literally thr vicar's job, so this is exactly the kind of thing he should listen to.