Trying to be a Christian... any tips?

[HeroicMinute]

I've just started listening to the Hallowed app. The first thing I've come across is a Routines course, which is great for me as I am horrendous time waster, which probably explains why I haven't spiritually evolved.
I was raised loosely Christian and attended the village church as a child. I think I want to replicate this traditional experience, but with some slightly more intellectual content.
I've been thinking about Christianity for a few years, and have tried a few different churches, but nothing's stuck.
My reasons for not sticking at a church:
-I can't handle a church band, it all seems very nice and worshipful but it makes me cringe a bit. I love a choir.
-I am very opposed to modern identity politics and didn't go back when a vicar started talking about structural racism in the church.
-I stopped going to an evangelical church because the curate was sweet and excited about his Christianity but did lengthy sermons suitable for children with no analysis or intellectual stimulation.
-found a curate at another church a bit creepy.
-found the sermon in a big popular church on 8th October to be a bit antisemitic.

You get the picture; I'm a bit of a PITA and I'm obviously putting up barriers. Don't get me wrong; I'm not a particularly intellectual person but I am curious and I sincerely want to be a Christian. I don't yet believe properly, sometimes I do, well I suppose I usually do, but with varying levels of conviction.
Any tips would be very gratefully received.
Thank you in advance.

Where self appointed cult leaders tell anyone, especially women, to shut up if they are challenged- that is weak

@Kdtym10, Paul knew he was weak. We know he was weak. The fact he was weak shows how God can work through all of us no matter that we are weak.

Maybe the Holy Spirit should have put you in touch

@Kdtym10, there's time yet. Or maybe it's just not that important.

Can you expand on that?

I find quite abit about organised religion terrifying

@Kdtym10, me too. But there is a way through it all. You don't need knock the orthodoxy when people are finding a way through from within it.

Are they finding a way through despite or because of it though?

Unlike my primary school my secondary school was shit. My A levels results were in the top 3% in the country. This was despite the school, not because of it. Who knows what I might have achieved in a better environment!

Paul (who I think is greatly misunderstood) was accepted and endorsed by Peter, James and John. And Peter specifically endorsed his writings, giving them the same status as the other scriptures.

@Kdtym10

Are they finding a way through despite or because of it though?

Unlike my primary school my secondary school was shit. My A levels results were in the top 3%. This was despite the school, not because of it. Who knows what I might have achieved in a better environment!

It sounds like you are holding onto that trauma.

Only after quite some opposition- Paul was a clever manipulative man.

Not at all. I’m really proud of my academic achievements and subsequent career. But I think it’s a valid question much broader than just me about the impact of different academic environments have on an individual’s potential (I do admire your persistence with your little digs to try and find a crack to use to undermine me lol if you keep going you might find something- you never know😉)

I do admire your persistence with your little digs to try and find a crack to use to undermine me lol if you keep going you might find something- you never know😉

@Kdtym10 does that undermine you? Sorry. It just makes you more human in my eyes. The clever, successful, career woman I find less relatable without seeing the humanity in her.

Oh I have plenty of humanity. But that’s a who other question for another day. What does it mean to be human?

What opposition did Paul get from Peter, James and John?

Really?? You could start with the “Antioch incident”

Oh I have plenty of humanity. But that’s a who other question for another day. What does it mean to be human?

@Kdtym10, so which face of Kdtym10 are we allowed to see?

Hopefully not the one which is as Galadriel when Frodo offers her the ring...

@Kdtym10

Or at least not the first terrible Galadriel. The Galadriel who passes the test is nicer!😉

You see what you look for.maybe look beyond what you want to see.

@Kdtym10 I don't want to see the terrible Galadriel....I want to see the kinder, gentler version. So I need to look beyond that?

You have obviously have the potential for both. But I'm asking you which potential you will choose to show when people have freely offered up the power in their possession and showed their vulnerability.

I would question why they have done that? Why do you want to see a kind gentle version of me. Surely that would be unbalanced. Surely that need is more a reflection of what you want me to be. My question is, why is that your ideal position for me?

My question is, why is that your ideal position for me?

@Kdtym10

You'd rather I'd adorn myself with the whole contents of my jewellery box, put my wedding crown on my head, dress in my finest embroidered and bejewelled gown, make my hair all big and paint war paint on my face so we could parade about together looking fierce?

I have no “rather” for you you can be however you want

I think you're missing the point. This is about being honest about being our true selves. It feels as if you are asking @Kdtym10 to go around pretending to be someone she is not. And of course we all do that in our lives because we need to rub along with each other, but when you're having a debate about something as personal and as fundamental as our faith positions, honesty is more important than niceness. Nobody is rude on this thread (which is great), so why would anyone need to add an artificial layer of nice rather than being honest about who we are? This isn't about 'showing how fierce we are'. We're already doing that with our words.

It feels as if you are asking @Kdtym10 to go around pretending to be someone she is not

@pointythings, I don't know who Kdtym10 is. I was talking about what I hoped. How appropriate that is, I don't know. I suppose only @Kdtym10 could tell us. I don't want any one to be artificial though.

Can you expand on that, please?

I’m interested though, why do you hope for me to be gentle and kind? Was Jesus always gentle and kind or did he act as appropriate? What do you think would have happened with the money lenders in the temple if he had been gentle and kind? Indeed, was god gentle and kind to the residents of sodom and gomarragh?

The thing is, is to be balanced. I find the kabbalistic, or probably more accurately the quabbalistic, tree of life vey useful in this respect - the balancing of severity and mercy - finding Christ (hence the distinction with Kabbalah) in the centre. If one is simply to be kind and gentle at all times, then one would inevitable achieve nothing.

i was sat by William Blake’s grave this morning contemplating the marriage of heaven and hell, thinking about this discussion and the unity of opposites we have discussed often on this thread. Christianity is similarly poised between the opposites of heaven and hell.

As Blake said “Without contraries is no progression. Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence.” If we simply focus on heaven we never live, we spend our lives inert from cradle to grave and miss the greatest gift we have, whether religious or atheist or anywhere between, that of life.

@Kdtym10 i didn't say in every situation. I said when people had offered up their power (as when Frodo offers Galadriel the ring) and made themselves vulnerable. That is when I would hope for gentleness and kindness instead of someone to take up that offering and capitalise on it for their own gains.