AIBU - Pastor’s Wife and expectations

[Pastorswife]

This is my first post of MN after reading for several years. I’ll try and give as much info as I’m really seeking some wisdom here.

I’m a pastor’s wife, mid-30s, 2 DC (DS aged 4, DD aged 5 months). I have just returned to work as a teacher and HoD after maternity leave and work 4 days per week (5 days condensed into 4) and manage my small subject department. I do not receive a salary from church, only my husband is employed there. I’m not located in the UK.

I’m increasingly finding the expectations on me as a Pastor’s wife impossible to fulfil. Beyond my intense, sometimes stressful job, we open our apartment 3 evenings a week to church members, which can be a single person, or a group of 10. I manage the kids until their bedtime at 7pm, and also cook for everyone. I also lead once a month on the worship team, or whenever my husband isn’t preaching. We also spend a lot of incidental time with church members, such as meeting on Saturday mornings to get a coffee and go to the playground, etc.

I already find this load overwhelming. My baby still wakes in the night (only once around 3am thankfully!) so I’m doing all this without proper sleep. What’s more, the vast majority of these social interactions are very one sided. It’s people with problems in their lives who are looking for wisdom, care, or simply to vent at you. 90% of my interactions with women from church are making a cup of tea, listening to them and nodding, and then praying for them at the end. I completely understand that this is part of ministry, but it’s very exhausting and none of these people is someone that I’d call a ‘friend’. They often don’t know anything about me at all - I’m just a role, ‘the pastors wife’.
I do have a few close friends, mostly outside of the church, but it’s simply impossible to spend any meaningful time with them as I have no margin in my schedule.

I recently spoke with my DH about stepping down from my HoD position at work, and cutting back to 2-3 days a week to manage everything better. However, we can’t afford this as my job pays well and losing the HoD position would be a big financial sacrifice. We asked our church leadership if my husband’s salary could be increased so I can help him out in ministry more, but the response was that we should be able to survive on his salary.

I was very discouraged this week as, despite doing all this, people complain that I’m not ‘accessible’ enough. For example, when we host people, I like to go to bed by 8:30pm because I’ll be up again at 3am with the baby. I get main course, dessert, tea/coffee and chocolates done, and then I’ll normally say something like ‘well, I have to be up early tomorrow so goodnight everyone. Please don’t take this as an indication to leave.’ However, many people don’t like when I dismiss myself and say ‘goodnight’ because they were expecting that I’d stay up with my husband chatting with them. Sometimes they don’t leave until 10pm or later which is just not possible for me.

So, AIBU to think that these expectations are just too much? Those of you that go to church, what role does the Pastor’s wife play and how active is she in the church ministry? Does she work her own job?

Also, please don’t make this a religion bashing thread. Thanks everyone.

I like “I don’t have capacity for that at the moment.”

Or, “I’ve got a big marking deadline I’m working towards at the moment, so I’m not going to be able to commit to that I’m afraid.”

When you first put up boundaries, expect people to be surprised or push back at them. But ultimately they will get used to it and respect you.

More boundary phrases:

"I can't commit to that at the moment"

"I'm not comfortable with that"

"I'm not the best person to ask"

"That project deserves more attention than I can give it"

@TangoBrava its so depressing and nothing changes! I don’t know any PK, vicars kid or missionary kid who comes out of these situations unscathed!

is it your own home or is it owned by the church, some churches provide pastors with larger houses precisely so they can entertain and run groups from their home, not 24/7 but 2-3 nights when I was in a church like that where the manse was provided it had a separate ministers study and a formal lounge and dining room on top of normal family space so kids didn't have to go to bed or be exceptionally quiet when pastor had people in house.
often meetings need to be in evenings for working members of congregation though cofffee morning work better for older people who do not always like being out at night

in our church a reasonable member would be involved in say one mid week event on a regular basis and a rota for a sunday thing maybe once a month, I do a women's bible study on tuesday evenings and am on a 1 in 5 rota for doing coffees etc after the morning service, there are some newly retired people doing more
I would consider it reasonable for OP once baby is sleeping at night to be actively involved in one house groupand maybe part of worship team once a month with maybe doing the listening ear thing a couple of times a month, part of leadership is spotting the next group of leaders there must be some other mature christians in the congregation that can do the listening ear if not the next course you need to run is a course on being a help to other christians, Jethro told Moses he would basically have burnout if he kept dealing with every little problem but to appoint leaders of 10's, etc to do the simpler stuff so just the really difficult situations where brought to him.
Sometimes it is congregation expectations that if an elder or deacon visits they have been fobbed off because it wasn't the minister. Just like in a business the CEO doesn't need to sort everything himself both you and DH need to master delegation accoring to peoples spiritual gifts for some that is just making coffees moving chairs etc but for others they could be leading the bible study every 4th week to give someone a break

I just want to say that I really appreciate the replies from a secular perspective too, and also from those who grew up in church homes but have since left the faith. I’ve read every single one of your responses, and they were extremely helpful, even if I didn’t agree with everything.

I agree that perhaps your parishoners are taking advantage of your good nature. What you describe in hosting, cooking and listening and praying sounds like a job in itself, as is caring for a small child as is working in the school - you're being pulled in three directions and it's going to make you stressed out which you already are - or even worse unwell. I hope your husband can step in to help you adjust the boundaries. I've only attended a fairly mild CoE church as a child but I didn't even know the Vicar's wife's name, far less would we have gone around to their house and expected dinner! Good luck x

@LuckyDipForTheEuro It is different in an evangelical church IME. You do know the spouses and the children. It would be unusual for the whole family to not at least attend church together.

What is the best use of your strength and life energy, OP?

The answer to this will be your guide.

I am married to a very busy CofE priest. In all honesty you are a volunteer and you are allowed to say no to doing things. Admittedly there will always be members of a congregation who will gossip about your perceived failings ‘for prayer’ especially when you have told them no and reinforced your own boundaries. My role is to make sure my husband has a home he can come back to and rest, clean clothes, help his sister out with his aged parents, keep an eye out for our extra needs adult kids, fed him and do what I can so he CAN work the expected six days of horrible hours per week. It is not to be the back up unpaid pastoral worker available 24/7. My vocation is not the same as his.

Remember the Proverbs 31 wife is not a doormat. She works hard, earns and gives priority for the needs of those, her family, who live in her household not the wider church so her husband can do what God has asked of him.

I wondered who was paying for these weekly large four course meals with chocolates! I'm assuming that the cost came out of your family income, OP, and that's just so wrong. I'm glad you've made your last one. You really should rule out anything other than pot lucks. It is not your role to pay to feed parishioners.

I just saw that someone recommend the use of "I don't have the capacity for that". I'll vouch for that working well. The first time I heard it, I was on the other end of it, and it absolutely blocked me! So I've stolen it since!

I understand you are sticking up for the OP and supporting her right to not be an unpaid pastoral plus 1! However, it should be noted that OP works a full time job, is the main bread winner and looks after a young family-in all honesty her husband and the leadership should be making sure he has the time and energy to do some of these tasks to support his wife and young family. 🤷‍♀️

You are in full time employment to support your family so your husband is able to take a low salary to be a Pastor and serve his congregation.

That is your biggest contribution to serving them and God. Any 'push-back' you get or attempts to guilt you into doing more than you are willing or comfortably able to without impacting your job, children, or your own physical or mental well being, should be met with boundaries set firmly within that context.

Update:
I wanted to give you all an update after having a loooong conversation with my DH last night and this morning.

He was very supportive eventually, though seemed rather shocked at first. I’m really surprised that he didn’t perceive how I have been feeling, and that it’s all been too much for me. I thought it was pretty clear that I’m miserable and barely coping, but he didn’t have that impression at all. However, when I spoke more strongly to him, he finally got the message and sprang into action.

So, we decided on a few key things:
I will cut back of everything except for our weekly small group, Sunday lunch after church, and leading worship whenever I feel like it. From now on, I will do no more cooking for people, and people won’t come to our apartment, except for our weekly small group. No more meeting church members, no more one-on-ones, no more attending events etc.

For our weekly small group, DH has already arranged the food. Guess what it will be from now on?!… Dominoes Pizza!!! Hahaha. He asked everyone from our group to pay 3€ and he will order 3 x XL pizzas each week. Everyone in our small group was so excited by this prospect, that it made me feel rather foolish for having cooked all this beautiful food for so long. But anyway…

Sundays after church will be at a cafe/restaurant. He’s going to use some money set aside in the pastoral budget for this. Strict finish at 3pm, when I will leave with the kids and he’ll stay if necessary.

We had a long talk about church structure and how it’s supposed to work. There is a structure there, e.g. small groups, women’s/men’s ministry etc. but it’s not being followed through on enough. So, from now on, whenever anyone asks me to meet for prayer/discipleship etc. my automatic response will be ‘Name is our womens’ ministry director, you should go speak to her.’ Or ‘Name is our pastor, you should go speak to him.’ For those who are not in a small group, my response is ‘are you in a small group? That’s your first step. Name can help set you up in a small group.’

I really loved the comments about letting other people step up and serve. You’re completely correct that it’s not my role and I’m taking away serving opportunities from other people.

I also want to make a quick point about my DC. Some comments regarding safeguarding really hit home for me. As a teacher, I’m very aware of safeguarding and child protection, and the more I thought about it, the more I feel uncomfortable with regularly having (effectively) strangers in my apartment where my DC are sleeping. We’re in a small apartment where the only toilet is located next to my kids’ shared room. 5 minutes of not paying attention could result in someone entering my kids’ room without me even realising. The thought of that is horrifying, and has made me completely rethink our current situation. I thank those commenters who mentioned this, even if it’s uncomfortable to think about.

So, now I need to actually follow through on all this and say ‘No’, loudly and clearly. I’m going to take the advice of one commenter and say that it’s part of my ‘New Years Resolution’ to dedicate my time to my family and my job. I need to get ready for some pushback, but after reading everyone’s’ comments I know that this will be so much better for me.

I can’t wait to spend my evenings reading, having a bath, going for a run, and just enjoying time to myself. I can’t wait to not feel like I have the world constantly on my shoulders.

Thank you all so much for your support. I am a real person and this is my real life, and you’ve helped me make it so much better.

God bless you

To be kind here;if your husband was in any other job you wouldn't be expected to be involved;your family needs your salary and you have a very young baby;I'd be telling your husband and the church you'll be doing nothing;if they want you to be involved they need to actually pay you.

Can these people not be hosted at the church instead of your home?

That's a great result, OP. Given that your DH didn't see this coming, it seems he's responded really positively. Love the pizza answer, and it's great that the group actually see it as a positive!

Trocodile, if the leadership and congregation had a good theological understanding then perhaps. Too often the person who is employed as a paid pastor is seen as the hired help who should be a cross between Paul of Tarsus and Jesus Christ available to do everything 24/7 on a minimum salary. There is then the expectation from many that the wife of the same will be a bolt on free extra hired help. TBH I walked out of a church my husband was still working in because they had that kind of attitude and told him to find another. Thankfully we own our own home and could easily walk. it is so much harder when you live in a house for duty. DH current placement as a priest is far nicer but the reality is he still works from 7.30am until 10pm six days a week. Yes he does some work from his office at home but the reality is if you are married to someone with a full time church leadership job it means living with the pretty time consuming vocation that goes with it. With a demanding job and young children something has to give. IMHO that has to be the extra unreasonable demands made by an entitled church congregation.

Pastors wife, as another who came a bit too close to burnout from being married to a priest, I am so happy to read your update. My husband could not see I was starting to struggle because I had coped with juggling p/t paid church work and four kids for so many years. Enjoy having your home back for your family and love your husbands pizza solution.

So glad to read your update.
With regard to safeguarding, I recall an elder of our church saying confidently that nobody in our church would abuse children, but it had already happened - to our daughter.
Christians are not exempt from being abusers and many older people fail to recognize this.

I know I'm chipping in at the end, but just wanted to say how interesting your story is, and in a way very relatable. I have a job where people think its okay to call me in the evenings, early mornings, Christmas Day even and I have had to put up some very firm boundaries. In my job people come to me at a vulnerable time and I am there to listen. I enjoy what I do, but for self preservation I have to detach emotionally, which I think would help you too. To look after everyone else I have to look after myself, and I have to prioritise self care.

So heartened by your update @Pastorswife

Your comment of you are a real person and this is real life really resonates and is the reason I am on mumsnet, despite all the (many many) trolls and untruthful posters who also post. Sometimes it feels very real indeed and these threads make navigating being a woman just a little easier.

I just wanted to say that despite me saying I don't have anything to do with religion and organised church, that doesn't mean I don't have faith. (You mentioned in a previous reply that you appreciated replies from those who have lost faith.)

I still do have faith. My disillusionment is with organised religion and parish life and the role of a pastor/parish priest. I found so many replies in here to you hard to take.

I am also really glad you are thinking about the safeguarding aspect for your children, as someone who grew up in this kind of situation.

The best of luck x

That’s brilliant, OP

Great update OP. Good luck!

Wonderful wonderful @Pastorswife what a great update

Thanks for the update @Pastorswife I really hope things get better for you. So glad you are thinking about safeguarding. Not to be over dramatic but I know so many PKs and missionary kids who were sexually abused by parishioners. It’s because of the access they are given to the family and the blind trust people have for others in churches. Be aware it can happen so quickly and sneakily.

It sounds like you were honest, and he listened and acted. What a great outcome!

I hope that you can enjoy both your own family and your church family now the pressure is off.