AIBU - Pastor’s Wife and expectations

[Pastorswife]

This is my first post of MN after reading for several years. I’ll try and give as much info as I’m really seeking some wisdom here.

I’m a pastor’s wife, mid-30s, 2 DC (DS aged 4, DD aged 5 months). I have just returned to work as a teacher and HoD after maternity leave and work 4 days per week (5 days condensed into 4) and manage my small subject department. I do not receive a salary from church, only my husband is employed there. I’m not located in the UK.

I’m increasingly finding the expectations on me as a Pastor’s wife impossible to fulfil. Beyond my intense, sometimes stressful job, we open our apartment 3 evenings a week to church members, which can be a single person, or a group of 10. I manage the kids until their bedtime at 7pm, and also cook for everyone. I also lead once a month on the worship team, or whenever my husband isn’t preaching. We also spend a lot of incidental time with church members, such as meeting on Saturday mornings to get a coffee and go to the playground, etc.

I already find this load overwhelming. My baby still wakes in the night (only once around 3am thankfully!) so I’m doing all this without proper sleep. What’s more, the vast majority of these social interactions are very one sided. It’s people with problems in their lives who are looking for wisdom, care, or simply to vent at you. 90% of my interactions with women from church are making a cup of tea, listening to them and nodding, and then praying for them at the end. I completely understand that this is part of ministry, but it’s very exhausting and none of these people is someone that I’d call a ‘friend’. They often don’t know anything about me at all - I’m just a role, ‘the pastors wife’.
I do have a few close friends, mostly outside of the church, but it’s simply impossible to spend any meaningful time with them as I have no margin in my schedule.

I recently spoke with my DH about stepping down from my HoD position at work, and cutting back to 2-3 days a week to manage everything better. However, we can’t afford this as my job pays well and losing the HoD position would be a big financial sacrifice. We asked our church leadership if my husband’s salary could be increased so I can help him out in ministry more, but the response was that we should be able to survive on his salary.

I was very discouraged this week as, despite doing all this, people complain that I’m not ‘accessible’ enough. For example, when we host people, I like to go to bed by 8:30pm because I’ll be up again at 3am with the baby. I get main course, dessert, tea/coffee and chocolates done, and then I’ll normally say something like ‘well, I have to be up early tomorrow so goodnight everyone. Please don’t take this as an indication to leave.’ However, many people don’t like when I dismiss myself and say ‘goodnight’ because they were expecting that I’d stay up with my husband chatting with them. Sometimes they don’t leave until 10pm or later which is just not possible for me.

So, AIBU to think that these expectations are just too much? Those of you that go to church, what role does the Pastor’s wife play and how active is she in the church ministry? Does she work her own job?

Also, please don’t make this a religion bashing thread. Thanks everyone.

FWIW, my vicar's wife makes it very clear she is not interested in playing the traditional, unpaid 'vicar's wife' role. Her health hasn't been wonderful and it's just not sensible or fair. It means other people in the congregation have to step up, and IMO that's the way it should be.

Yes! Say it as many times as you need to. Don't feel awkward for repeating yourself - the pushy person is the one who should feel embarrassed!

Maybe frame it as a new year's resolution to explain your sudden change? "My new year's resolution is to spend more time with my family" "My new year's resolution is to reduce my stress levels".

No, that is what it was. And what it was for your gran.

There is no reason it has to be this way for the OP, in 2023.

OP this does sound exhausting. If having a cleaner is super cheap, is there more you can outsource? What about getting someone in to do the laundry? Some cooking? Be kind to yourself. This is a lot.

I think you need to make it clear that you have your own job and career and family life. Your husband is the paste not you. I know the pastors wife role is a thing. But you already have two full time jobs.

You need the famous Mumsnet saying “No is a complete sentence”. My BIL is a pastor and his wife works full time. He has an office in his (church) house but it’s a CofE thing that this is totally separate from family accommodation. You are not paid by the church so think hard about how much time you would volunteer as a normal congregation member with a job and young family. Can the evening meeting be held in the church building and scaled back to coffee and cake? Get someone to set up a rota to be refreshments server/washer up and your husband can do the teaching pastoral element.
It’s my observation that in any volunteering role but particularly within the church they will take and take and the role will expand until you say ‘no more’ so you need to be firm about boundaries. Good luck!

'I'm stepping back from that sort of thing while I have little children. I wonder who else you could ask to do that.'

Also, if help in the house is really cheap, can your cleaner do more? Can you get shopping delivered?

I grew up with my father as a minister in an international church in the developing world, so I know what it is like to be the daughter and the wife and to work abroad, There are huge privileges to be in a ministry family, but also real struggles.

Are you from the UK originally? There is a good FB group for clergy partners where people will give you sensible, godly advice and lots of good ideas for sustainable ministry patterns.

Henry Cloud did a book on boundaries. Let me look...
Here. Sorry about the link! It was 25 years ago when I read it, but found it hugely helpful then.

www.wob.com/en-gb/books/dr-henry-cloud-ph-d/boundaries/9780310247456?gclid=Cj0KCQiAiJSeBhCCARIsAHnAzT8PRbrcEyKQSnaluyKlryu8CMwspD3QsRPWeV5lWkux0x2Xskb3QEkaAogmEALw_wcB

I wouldn't expect that at all. It's completely fine for the spouse to have a life of their own. It's not their vocation after all. My parents vicars wife was never involved in church stuff. RC clergy manage without anyone on that role.

Remember God knows what's in your heart, so you don't need to prove yourself to anyone else.

Also that you aren't going to lose your salvation over turning on a crockpot instead of cooking a four course meal, or indeed, anything much worse you could do! Because of the Cross.

We all fall into these traps!

Bless you. 🙏

As people on here are fond of saying - you have a DH problem.
He needs to do half of the housework and childcare because you're both working full time.

What helps most is working out what they are, and agreeing them with DH.

Then making a statement out of the decision.

"I'd love to, but I work full time and have small children"

"Obviously I have to have some time off as I work full time and have small children"

"What a great idea, you should do that! I can't because I work full time and have small children"

You sort of preempt the complaints:

13th? Oh dear we're not working that day, some hard to squeeze in family time!

What a shame, that's our first evening off this month. We're having a hard earned night in!

Are you sure giving up you HOD role would cripple your finances? I found the role too much as I too have a young family, it worked out at £250 less a month. A HOD role is difficult to do successfully with a family but coupled with church responsibilities it's far too much. You will burn out! Look into getting rid of as much responsibility as you can x

Wow, I'm so sad reading your post, so much sacrifice for a man's career, at the expense of your own well being. Your husband sounds very selfish, putting his job before your work life balance.

I would suggest he quits work as the lower earner, this is what women are expected to do when the overall load is too much.

No man would ever do what your husband expects of you. You are a key worker, he is not.

I am a pastor's wife. I don't have paid employment outside the home but I'm a carer to 5 dc with disabilities. I don't do much more than the average comitted member of the church although it is expected that I do those things rather than be one of those people who just show up most Sunday's and that's it.

I would definitely drop the open house thing. If parishioners want to talk to your husband, they should do so in his study and not expect more than the traditional cup of tea while they do it.

Hi OP
No wonder you're worn out! Unfortunately in many churches, I think it's expected that they get 'the wife' chucked in for free and that's so wrong!

A few thoughts from me.

1.Could you ask the church to create a part-time role for you so that if you do drop your hours, you won't be financially worse off? That way you could have some of your pastoral appointments during the day, reducing your evening work

1. Defo stop cooking lovely meals! 😊 If people want to come round, they can come for a coffee. You don't have to be a chef as well as a listening ear/sounding board.

1. 3 nights a week sounds a bit excessive. Presumably you have some kind of Bible study/home group. You shouldn't need to have people in your home more than 2 evenings a week. Better still, why not hold some meetings/venting sessions on Zoom? You have much better control of the timings then and don't need to chuck people out when it's getting late.

It sounds like you and DH need to put some healthy boundaries in place. I am the daughter of pastors and I think my parents got it right. Yes, there was a lot of need but you can't fix everyone and everything and you need good boundaries in place to protect your own mental health.

You need to minister to yourself and your family, before you can successfully minister to anyone else.
Is it the same people turning up for your 3 course meal, often? That’s a lot of parishioners if not. If so, that will tell you something too.
Can the timing and/or location of these gatherings change so that they don’t involve you and/or your home? It’s not really fair on your DC to have people in the house so frequently. When do they get you to themselves? Can they start after the DC are in bed? Or move to another location?
Who is paying for all this food?

In your shoes the boundaries I would be setting would be with my DH first. You and he have to agree on your level and type of involvement. He has to stand up for you, and you for yourself.

This will become more of an issue as your DC grow. Really, it will. Start as you mean to continue. Set good habits. It sounds very much as though there’s not a good balance here at the moment, and that you’re paying the price.

OP,have you read Boundaries by Henry Cloud? I think there's a version for leaders too - Boundaries for Leaders. He's a Christian and references this in his books, showing how Jesus regularly set boundaries with people. I haven't read the leaders' version but I really enjoyed the main version.

Your post makes me sigh, as I have a close family member who gives a huge amount of time and energy in the same role.

You have to stop all meetings in your house and your husband needs to announce this to the congregation. From now on he takes the crock-pot to the church on a Tuesday and Thursday…😁

I am sorry to bring it up, but you also need to stop having as many people in your home from the point of view of safeguarding your children. Easy access to a family home where children are sleeping, in a culture of trust, would be an ideal opportunity to certain individuals.

OP there’s a great book series (and from a Christian perspective too) called boundaries about - you guessed it - setting boundaries and it really helped me.

out of interest what country are you in?

@BadSkiingMum that is such an important point, unfortunately....

Best way is to state how much time you have at the outset to manage expectations.

I'll be able to talk with you until 8.30pm.

You will have my full attention until 8.30pm
I will be able to attend until xxx

I was very discouraged this week as, despite doing all this, people complain that I’m not ‘accessible’ enough

The demands being placed upon a woman, who is not in a paid position within the church, while still expecting her to work full time because the money is needed, and to do what appears to be all of the parenting of the child, is outrageous.

Are you also a missionary?