AIBU - Pastor’s Wife and expectations

[Pastorswife]

This is my first post of MN after reading for several years. I’ll try and give as much info as I’m really seeking some wisdom here.

I’m a pastor’s wife, mid-30s, 2 DC (DS aged 4, DD aged 5 months). I have just returned to work as a teacher and HoD after maternity leave and work 4 days per week (5 days condensed into 4) and manage my small subject department. I do not receive a salary from church, only my husband is employed there. I’m not located in the UK.

I’m increasingly finding the expectations on me as a Pastor’s wife impossible to fulfil. Beyond my intense, sometimes stressful job, we open our apartment 3 evenings a week to church members, which can be a single person, or a group of 10. I manage the kids until their bedtime at 7pm, and also cook for everyone. I also lead once a month on the worship team, or whenever my husband isn’t preaching. We also spend a lot of incidental time with church members, such as meeting on Saturday mornings to get a coffee and go to the playground, etc.

I already find this load overwhelming. My baby still wakes in the night (only once around 3am thankfully!) so I’m doing all this without proper sleep. What’s more, the vast majority of these social interactions are very one sided. It’s people with problems in their lives who are looking for wisdom, care, or simply to vent at you. 90% of my interactions with women from church are making a cup of tea, listening to them and nodding, and then praying for them at the end. I completely understand that this is part of ministry, but it’s very exhausting and none of these people is someone that I’d call a ‘friend’. They often don’t know anything about me at all - I’m just a role, ‘the pastors wife’.
I do have a few close friends, mostly outside of the church, but it’s simply impossible to spend any meaningful time with them as I have no margin in my schedule.

I recently spoke with my DH about stepping down from my HoD position at work, and cutting back to 2-3 days a week to manage everything better. However, we can’t afford this as my job pays well and losing the HoD position would be a big financial sacrifice. We asked our church leadership if my husband’s salary could be increased so I can help him out in ministry more, but the response was that we should be able to survive on his salary.

I was very discouraged this week as, despite doing all this, people complain that I’m not ‘accessible’ enough. For example, when we host people, I like to go to bed by 8:30pm because I’ll be up again at 3am with the baby. I get main course, dessert, tea/coffee and chocolates done, and then I’ll normally say something like ‘well, I have to be up early tomorrow so goodnight everyone. Please don’t take this as an indication to leave.’ However, many people don’t like when I dismiss myself and say ‘goodnight’ because they were expecting that I’d stay up with my husband chatting with them. Sometimes they don’t leave until 10pm or later which is just not possible for me.

So, AIBU to think that these expectations are just too much? Those of you that go to church, what role does the Pastor’s wife play and how active is she in the church ministry? Does she work her own job?

Also, please don’t make this a religion bashing thread. Thanks everyone.

I think it depends. Our previous Pastor's wife didn't really get involved in ministry except for with a few people and the occasional Alpha course and had a full time job. Our present Pastor and his wife are both classed as Pastors and receive a salary each.

Good grief. I'm exhausted just reading all you do. If the church/congregation expect you to provide this much support then they need to provide you and your family with the funds to do so. Otherwise you need to conserve your energies for your own family.

YANBU it's too much
I can't offer any insight though as I've never been in your situation, or known anyone who was. I think for most women having a responsible job outside of the home plus 2 small children plus (I imagine) bearing more than 50% of the domestic load is already too much work, and they would be expecting more not less from their partner. To expect you to essentially take on a substantial volunteer role on top of all that is unreasonable.
What would you be willing and able to offer your church if you were not married to the pastor? I think that's what you should be doing and no more.

Obviously I'm writing from a non religious perspective but I can't think god wants you to work yourself into the ground. Your health and welfare and your children's matter

I think your job sounds stressful and a bit overwhelming, could you just do four normal days, rather than trying to condense the hours? Also I think it's perfectly fine to go to bed early, your baby still needs you. In the UK, more people manage to have a longer mat leave but it does depend on finance. Can you get a cleaner? Could you cut the evening meetings in the house to once a week and ask people to bring a simple meal to share instead? I think it's sad if you don't want to spend at least some of your free time with your church family ( I've been in churches where the pastor and his family doesn't want to and it's not a great thing). But, it sounds like you need some relationships which aren't so draining. Do you have some wise/ kind friends in another church who might help you ' fill your cup' a bit more, as opposed to draining you and take some time to see them once a week instead of one or two of the meetings? Also, protect your own time with God, maybe your husband can have the kids in the morning as normally pastors can be a bit flexible with their timetable. This would let you get ready yourself for the day ahead.

I think you need to be kind to yourself . You have a young family and need to prioritise them and yourself. You can still fulfil your role as pastors wife but temporarily reduce what you do. It’s doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong it’s absolutely right to take a step back if you’re struggling and then you may find in a few months you fell able to do more again . It doesn’t have to be an exact constant amount each week you can do less now and do more in future it all balances out

Why do you have to provide chocolates and a 4 course Mel for parishioners?
it sounds to me your parishioners are entitled so and sos going for the slap up meal rather than spiritual support.
rRein in on those peripheries and you bay find things are more manageable.

Are you in a culture and/or denomination which has or still does expect pastor's wives not to have a job?

You might do better asking for this to be moved to philosophy and religion board, there are other people in ministry families there. (Report this thread to MNHQ)

So your DH can see the stress this puts on you/ the family?

I'd prayerfully consider a change of role or church for him.

YADNBU and I'm sure our Lord would agree.

That sounds a heavy burden OP. Looking at it logically the duties are not going to diminish so as a family, you need more time which means less money. How much 'work' does your husband do during office hours? Is he putting in the same as you? Could he manage eg watch your baby sometime during the day to reduce childcare costs and offset this against a reduction in your salary.
Are you making yourself too readily available.? Would some of your congregation benefit from say a women's group where they might offload a bit to each other rather than 1 to 1 with /at you?
One things for sure, as your baby grows the sleepless nights will reduce and things should get a little easier.
Hope you work it through.

Also, can you turn to other pastor's wives for support/advice/prayer?

No you are not being unreasonable. A good friend of mine is part of a married pastor team - they both take joint responsibility and are paid by the church but it’s clear from conversations that even with that she is disproportionately burdened with pastoral support of female congregants and children’s church issues as this is seen as a ‘female area’ and they simply do not have many women in her position (cos misogyny)

i could not imagine her bearing that load plus working. It’s ridiculous. Your DH needs to set clear boundaries and expectations around your time. If you have people coming to the house he needs to host them, talk to them and cater for them. It’s his job not yours.

You don’t expect him to prep teaching materials for you or run your parents evenings so why does he expect you to do your job and his as well. You need some firm boundaries.

OP I am sorry that your church family has such unreasonable expectations of you. In my own UK based CofE church we've had, so far, only male married incumbents, but their wives' roles have varied greatly depending on their circumstances, from no weekday public engagement at all with the church (due to small children, f/t work etc) to being practically another (unpaid) member of staff. You are definitely NBU and I would suggest that you and your husband prayerfully consider at the very least a "reset" in how you jointly manage your relationship/contact with the congregation, including dropping the part time restaurant gig you appear to have got going on!

I think, tbvh, that you need to look after yourself a bit more. Currently you are trying to do 3 FT jobs and no one seems to be looking after you - and when do you get to be just your family together? This just doesn't seem to be sustainable or desirable.
Why do you do open house 3 nights a week? Wouldn't one night with a chilli/curry/casserole in the slow cooker (that your dh gets sorted earlier in the day) be enough, and 8.30 seems plenty late enough for that sort of thing to finish.

You say pastor not vicar so I'm assuming this isn't CoE and is a rather evangelical church which doesn't expect women to work. You just need to make it clear that you have a job and won't be doing unpaid work for the church over and above what you choose to do. And your husband needs to back you up.

What do the single pastors do in these situations? Your husband needs to follow their example, as you are not available.

Our local vicar's wife is not involved at all in his work other than her own attendance at church events based on her own interest - she's very active with the choir and music, by choice.

The previous vicar's husband was not involved at all.

If they want you to work for the church they need to pay you to do so, or your husbands pay needs to be high enough for his partner not to work on the basis you are expected to undertake church duties with him.

I am a church goer and have a grandfather who was a vicar.

Here is what I would expect from a pastor’s wife:-

Fairly regular and enthusiastic church goer - stays for coffee afterwards etc
Hosts an event once a year to thank volunteers

That’s it really. Most of our clergy wives have their own careers and children to manage. They are generally the main earners as clergy salaries are not great.

Your problem here is your pastor - your husband.

He should be actively managing the church's expectations of what you can do, and he should be arranging for other people to share much of the burden of the pastoral load. At the very least he should be taking some of those practical hospitality jobs away from you, to do himself, or to ensure that they are shared around other people.

Can you work out what are a reasonable number of hours for a working mother of young children who is not married to the pastor to offer to the church? That is a good start.

Are you working cross-culturally? Because that might take a few more conversations with the church leadership and members to sort it out, if there are cultural differences that might be leading to these expectations.

I'm a pastor's wife, married to a man who is very good at both giving out to church members and setting appropriate limits to protect his health, our children and our marriage. But he has been doing this for a long time, and I think early in your ministry is a good time to set expectations with each other and the church.

It sounds from the conversation about salary that the church leadership does not have the best interest of the pastor and his family at heart, and that your husband may have little power in this situation, so if that's the case, it may be a bit unfair of me to blame your husband for this! The most helpful thing we were advised at Bible college was that a man's first congregation is his wife and family, and that they should not be sacrificed for the rest of the church. He needs to have uncomfortable conversations if you are (both) not going to be burnt out soon.

Surely your husband can do the cooking?
And get up with the baby at night?
Why are you doing all this alone?

Your job and salary are enabling your husband to choose to do a poorly paid vocation. Do not forget that.

You absolutely should not feel obliged to do everything you are doing 😔 I note you are not in the UK, where this is finally finally changing for the better in terms of expections on pastor's wives.

My heart goes out to you. I grew up in a house like this as a child and it was life changing. I hope you have the strength to push back for what is right for you and your children. Being in this situation for both you and them has little positives and a great number of negatives.

The ONLY positive I can think of is that my father was around at odd times of the day/week/year. When I was a pre schooler I also used to go with him for visits (not funeral ones) and to events so my mother had just the baby. When I was older, he could be available for school events easier than if he was in a normal full time job at that time.

I seriously struggle to recall anything else positive, so at the very least your husband needs to be doing this.

And both of you need to break free from expectations and think seriously about what sort of set up will work best for BOTH of you and your children. Create your own boundaries and stick to them.

My mother almost left my father at one stage. To be honest, she should have.

Most of the clergy's wives that I've known don't have a full time job. One teaches music lessons very part time and another tutors very pt too (used to be a teacher). According to them they were expected to take on a pivotal role in the church and lead when their husbands are away,so had to give up work. In saying that, the (female) minister in my dm's church now is quite distant with the congregation and ruffled some feathers by "setting boundaries" when she started. Her husband plays no role whatsoever.
I think you've set a very wrong precedent for cooking meals, tea and biscuits should suffice. You'll just have to put out a warning that due to time constraints things will be changing. No wonder they are so keen to visit!

Our current vicar has a wife who doesn't work (they're both in their 60s and she's retired) and helps with this kind of thing. The previous one was younger and his wife worked (she was a teacher too), so she didn't get involved at all (except attending church and chatting to people after the service). That's how it should be. You need to put your foot down OP.

What day do you have off? If it is Saturday, why are you meeting church members on that day? If it is a weekday, are you protecting your rest time by not answering the phone/checking emails/attending church events?

Over the years I have had times of paid work, and times when I have been at home, and so the amount of time I give to church has had to vary. Don't set a pattern now that you will be unable to keep up. It sounds to me as if the church has got your husband on the cheap because of your job, and are being unrealistic about what either of you can achieve.

Hi OP. This does sound very hard. Are you in the US?

I'm C of E so have a vicar who is married. His wife also has a full time professional job and apart from attending services regularly, has very little to do with the running of the Church or involvement with the congregation. Our vicar has a laywoman who tends to the sort of duties you are mentioning

Can you step back from your role within the Church some more?

Just stop OP. The Church isn't your job, it's your DHs. It won't make you a bad Christian or wife. In fact it will make you a better one. You need to look after yourself properly to be able to look after others too.

Oh my goodness, this sounds very difficult.

To some extent, the expectations that any of us, or your parishoners, have for the role of pastor's wife don't matter. What really matters is what you can do. And it sounds like you just can't keep doing as much as is demanded of you, and no wonder, it sounds completely overwhelming!

You have an outside job and you are raising two very young children. The unpaid pastoral care simply needs to take a back seat for a period of a few years.

Does your husband have any paid assistants in the church who could carry out some of these duties?
Are there any volunteers (I'm thinking other church laides) who could pitch in?

How do you think your husband would react if you said, "I can't do an unpaid pastoral job in addition to working and caring for an infant, I will be stepping back from the pastoral duties until the children are both at nursery/school"?

Best wishes, I know this must be a difficult situation.