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Original poster

Would you pray for someone who asked you not to?

313 replies

AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 09:32

Prompted by another thread.

If you are of a faith, and you said to someone you’d pray for them, and they asked you not to, would you still do it?

For honesty sake. I have no faith and find it offensive if I’ve asked someone not to pray for me that they do so.

OP posts:

Original poster

AchillesPoirot · 20/04/2022 08:55

It feels like a consent violation. I feel violated. Please don’t minimise that.

OP posts:

hihellohihello · 20/04/2022 10:45

@AchillesPoirot

It feels like a consent violation. I feel violated. Please don’t minimise that.

Just talking through how you can overcome and survive this.

Yes, people don't want their problems to be minimised - they want to feel understood and vindicated. Showing how you can look at problems differently in order to overcome them does not preclude this. However, ultimately overcoming problems does minimise them but surely this should be an aim? Do you really want to maximise this particular problem? And be kept metaphorically licking the wounds it continues to inflict? Or do you want to find a way to heal and move past this?

Elsiebear90 · 20/04/2022 10:54

It would depend why they are praying, if it was good natured like “I’m praying for your good fortune” then I wouldn’t mind, it’s quite sweet, but if it’s “I’m praying for your soul because you’re a sinner” I find that incredibly rude and patronising, and yes it would bother me.

Thehundredthnamechange · 21/04/2022 06:57

AchillesPoirot · 20/04/2022 05:53

Because I’ve asked them not to.

to me, it’s a consent violation.

and again. To be clear. I’m talking about group prayer out loud. I’m not talking about something internal. I would never know if they never told me.

@Thehundredthnamechange do you generally have a problem when people say no to you? What if someone said I don’t want to have sex with you? Would you just carry on because they asked you not to?

What an absolutely bizarre comparison. You can't police private thoughts or conversations people have. How on earth can you compare praying for someone to a rape 😳 really awful. Praying comes from a place of love. You can cut these people out, but you can't police their thoughts or conversations.

Original poster

AchillesPoirot · 21/04/2022 08:16

I'm not policing private thoughts. As I have said I wouldn't know if they were doing it privately and internally.

They are publicly in home groups praying for me and making a point of telling me that they are praying for me to come back to god. And that god will punish me for my various transgressions.

I've asked them not to. And they continue. That IS abusive and it IS a consent violation. In my opinion.

What they are doing have done and continue to do to me is awful but don't let that bother you

OP posts:

BirdWatch · 22/04/2022 00:27

It sounds like they are going to do it regardless of your request. If you don't have to associate with them, stop communication and block them.

Thehundredthnamechange · 22/04/2022 00:40

AchillesPoirot · 21/04/2022 08:16

I'm not policing private thoughts. As I have said I wouldn't know if they were doing it privately and internally.

They are publicly in home groups praying for me and making a point of telling me that they are praying for me to come back to god. And that god will punish me for my various transgressions.

I've asked them not to. And they continue. That IS abusive and it IS a consent violation. In my opinion.

What they are doing have done and continue to do to me is awful but don't let that bother you

Sorry but the word 'abusive' is thrown around too often these days, and this is one of those times. You may not like something, but that doesn't mean you have been abused or violated. You don't like them praying for you. Okay. That's okay, you can have your feelings. But our feelings are not objective facts. Just because you don't like their behaviour doesn't mean that they're abusive or violating you because they're frankly not and it's quite insulting to people in genuinely abusive situations to throw around the word like this. Having been in sexually assaulted in my life I find it fairly insulting that you would compare being prayed for to a sexual assault (in your previous comment) or a form of abuse.

If you hate them then cut them out of your life, go NC with them, and then they won't be able to tell you that they're praying for you. Then the problem will be solved.

Nobody is saying you are wrong to have feelings. But I also don't think that it is wrong to pray for someone to return to God. I actually think it's a very loving thing to do, especially when that person seems to really hate you. They shouldn't be telling you about it, though, as you clearly don't want to hear it, so I agree that this aspect of their behaviour isn't kind. If you go NC with them then you won't talk to them and they won't tell you they're praying for you and the problem will be solved.

Ponderingwindow · 22/04/2022 00:46

Another atheist on the spectrum.

This is something where intention matters.

if I am sick one friend might write me a note, another might think about me as she washes the dishes, yet another might meditate and try to send healing energy my way, and a fourth might offer a prayer that I recover. (Oh to have so many friends that care). Each is caring about me, they just have different ways of channeling their thoughts. I can’t really get offended by that.

it is entirely different when someone prays that a person finds faith or when religious rituals are performed to try to bring people towards a particular religion or belief.

Marty13 · 22/04/2022 01:22

"They are publicly in home groups praying for me and making a point of telling me that they are praying for me to come back to god. And that god will punish me for my various transgressions."

That IS a form of harassment and I don't understand why some pp are so dismissive of it.

That said they're not doing anything illegal so your options are limited outside of blocking them on all media and ending all interactions with them where at all possible.

I'd be annoyed too OP but the best way to deal with this is not give them any satisfaction - so zero engagement, zero interaction, if they talk to you don't answer and look bored. A disinterested "hmm ? Sure whatever" works way better than getting worked up.

Or you could tell them you've converted to pastafarism. Or satanism. Depending on how mischievous you feel.

Marty13 · 22/04/2022 01:24

Or a condescending "oh that's nice, dear." So many ways to derive entertainment from this.

ClinkeyMonkey · 22/04/2022 01:38

I've been an atheist for many years. Living in NI, I have people (mainly family) praying for me all the time because they think I'm going to hell. It's a national pastime here If they were to specifically ask my permission, I would tell them not to waste their time, but if they really must, then crack on. I honestly couldn't give a stuff. They are concerned about my soul. I don't have a soul. So they are praying to a being who doesn't exist about a part of me that doesn't exist. In my view, they are slightly deranged, but harmless.

saraclara · 22/04/2022 01:57

vitahelp · 05/04/2022 10:11

Ah ok, so they are praying for you to find God. I initially thought you meant they were praying for you to get better after illness or something similar.
I too would find it annoying if someone was praying for me to find God and was telling me so. I am religious myself and wouldn't do this.

That. I assumed that they were praying for you because you were ill or having some other kind of misfortune.

Praying that someone else finds God is an entirely different thing. Someone once said that to me and I shut them right down straight away. And I've not been abused or had any other reason to react that way. I just found it arrogant and unwanted.

But if someone prays for me in times of trouble, then I take it as them caring about me in the best way they know how.

saraclara · 22/04/2022 02:02

But I also don't think that it is wrong to pray for someone to return to God. I actually think it's a very loving thing to do, especially when that person seems to really hate you

It's not a loving thing at all. It's a controlling thing. The person who had left a faith has made their own decision. It's not up to those within that religion to 'bring them back' by praying.

MissMaple82 · 22/04/2022 03:59

But surely that's controlling. People can pray for whatever and whoever they feel the need to. Its hardly a violation, how would you even know!

MissMaple82 · 22/04/2022 04:02

@AchillesPoirot

I’m not controlling anyone’s private meditation. I’ve specifically said it’s about praying to a god or gods.

I’m asking them not to do that and they do it anyway.

That’s rude. Disrespectful. Controlling of them. Is it not?

I feel like my views are being disregarded.

To dictate what they do is controlling though

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 22/04/2022 04:19

MissMaple82 · 22/04/2022 03:59

But surely that's controlling. People can pray for whatever and whoever they feel the need to. Its hardly a violation, how would you even know!

In the OP it's clear the situation is when someone has explicitly suggested they will pray for you, so in this case you absolutely do know.

To dictate what they do is controlling though

It's not about 'dictating' anything.

There is a subtle difference between praying for the council to fill potholes, praying for your lottery numbers to be drawn, praying for a decent night's sleep for once if you have antisocial neighbours, and praying about a specific individual to a god or deity they have told you they don't believe in after they have requested that you don't.

Of course it's going to feel like a violation. Asking someone to respect your wishes is in no way 'controlling', it doesn't matter whether it's over the question of whether they pray for you or whether you'd like a cup of tea. They've asked, you've answered, any decent person would acknowledge your answer and respect your choice.

If you want to go and pray for someone privately and without informing them, you are of course entirely free to do so and they need never know any better, but if you have asked and they have said no, how is that 'controlling', and how is your decision to ignore their choice not disrespectful?

Original poster

AchillesPoirot · 22/04/2022 05:51

Thank you @XDownwiththissortofthingX that's exactly what I mean.

If someone consistently says they're doing something "for" you and you ask them not to - it's disrespectful and given the fact that I've asked them not to and they continue it feels like a violation. I feel disrespected, and violated.

The cup of tea consent analogy is exactly the point I'm making. It doesn't matter what it is, I've said no and they carry on regardless.

OP posts:

hihellohihello · 22/04/2022 07:20

So how do you think you can survive this and not become victim to it, OP?

Original poster

AchillesPoirot · 22/04/2022 07:21

I am a victim of their behaviour and I have no intention of not using the words I choose to describe both how I feel and their behaviour.

OP posts:

hihellohihello · 22/04/2022 07:34

But how do you expect to survive this? What will help (since you cannot change their behaviour)?

savehannah · 22/04/2022 07:38

Since I think prayer is meaningless nonsense it makes no difference to me whether other people do it or not. It would be like saying I don't want someone to talk to their imaginary friend about me! Why would I care?!

Original poster

AchillesPoirot · 22/04/2022 07:40

@hihellohihello I have no intention of minimising what they did and are continuing to do.

I'm not sorry for that.

OP posts:

hihellohihello · 22/04/2022 07:45

Ok, your choice, OP. I do think, though, that maximising it moves focus onto it and keeps you in that space. If that's where you need to be, that's where you need to be...maybe their prayer is working?

Soultrader · 22/04/2022 07:47

I think id be uncomfortable as an atheist as i dislike all religions. I think the issue would be that if some one told me they were praying for me, it's like they think theyre doing something really helpful when actually it's totally meaningless unless you are religious as well. Practical help would be more useful than praying for someone. But it doesn't feel the same as someone just saying "I'm thinking of you" because that's just nice and doesn't come with the religion aspect. People can believe what they want but i don't want to hear about their religion and them praying for me is them forcing me to be part of their religious ritual that i really don't want to be part of, even indirectly.

Original poster

AchillesPoirot · 22/04/2022 07:50

@hihellohihello nope. It's not.

Do you generally have a problem with consent boundaries?

OP posts:

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