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Original poster

Would you pray for someone who asked you not to?

313 replies

AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 09:32

Prompted by another thread.

If you are of a faith, and you said to someone you’d pray for them, and they asked you not to, would you still do it?

For honesty sake. I have no faith and find it offensive if I’ve asked someone not to pray for me that they do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 11:30

@eatentoomanygrapes

This really feels like inventing problems out of nowhere.
Ok
OP posts:
Turningpurple · 05/04/2022 11:33

@AchillesPoirot

Sorry I didn’t think it was particularly relevant or I would have mentioned it. They are praying for me in the sense of wishing me well but that also encompasses praying for me to return to the fold as I am a lost sheep and praying for me to come back to god.

There is a whole painful backstory around my life choices and the emotional abuse they facilitated as well.

Of course its relevant.

Most people think when someone says 'I will pray for you' they mean general good wishes.

We all come to threads with opinions based on our own lives and experiences. So they are the opinions you get.

Now revealing that someone wants to pray to their God and ask then to force yoh to convert isn't OK. It suggests that person, isnt listen to you or wants what makes you happy.

Which is entirely different to just thinking about you during their prayers.

Also this person clearly doesn't care about you abusive past. Prayer is not the only way some can trample your boundaries. And I bet this person does all the time.

Original poster
AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 11:34

It’s not just one person.

I’m sorry about the drip feed I honestly didn’t mean it.

OP posts:
TunaFork · 05/04/2022 11:36

I don't believe in prayer.
My neighbours were really unpleasant, talked the Christian talk on a Sunday, Christians. They seriously impacted on our life.
I prayed, he died, painfully.
Obviously he's in his hell now, due to struggling with many of the commandments. (We have a particularly attractive oxen).
I am now conflicted about prayer.

merryhouse · 05/04/2022 11:39

I admit it hadn't crossed my mind that "praying for someone" would mean "praying that they come to faith" Blush because I'm a universalist and don't consider it actually matters whether you believe in god or not.

I think telling someone you're doing that is hideously rude anyway, and especially so if they've asked you not to... but this situation is obviously considerably more complex and I suspect the person concerned has always used their religion partly as a means of control (and possibly other forms of abuse, we all know it happens).

Would you mind if someone were to pray that you could find peace and be shown love?

Original poster
AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 11:40

Yes I would actually mind if they were praying for me to find peace and be shown love. Because I’d know what was behind their thoughts. That my life as it is isn’t acceptable to them.

OP posts:
Obelisk · 05/04/2022 11:44

I think part of the problem here is them telling you they are praying. If they simply prayed and never mentioned it, it's hard to see how it would harm you- you wouldn't know about it.

I also think that, for many religious people, there isn't a clear dividing line between prayer and meditation and simply thinking. People sometimes talk about trying to live their whole lives as a prayer- as in, trying to live their whole lives in a state of openness to and communion with God. In such a case it's hard to draw a line between praying for X and merely hoping for or thinking about X.

But I think in your case, OP, it sounds like there's a lot more going on than just people praying for you against your will- it sounds as if you feel pressured/coerced into returning to a particular faith, and that part of this pressure and coercion is the fact that these people have let you know that they are praying for you. I do think that's unacceptable- it's disrespectful of your wishes and is clearly making you feel distressed.

Turningpurple · 05/04/2022 11:50

@AchillesPoirot

Yes I would actually mind if they were praying for me to find peace and be shown love. Because I’d know what was behind their thoughts. That my life as it is isn’t acceptable to them.
But that doesn't apply to everyone.

As pp said, for me (not christian) prayer, meditation and thinking are very similar. Its almost like an internal chat with, what I consider to be the higher power.

If I thought of you during meditation, I wouldn't be think 'I hope they give love and peace by coming to my religion'. I would be thinking 'I hope they find love and peace'.

Because many of us who fo have gathered, also believe that other people faith or, even, not having a faith is absolutely fine and they can find peace and love living a completely different way to us.

I have no need to think that other should believe what I do, or their lives would be better for it. Its something that is for me and its ok that it's not for others. I don't believe they need to do what I do, to be happy.

So while your may be right, with this group, you asked us our opinions. Our opinions are based, largely, on ourselves. We aren't going to think along the lines of people who want to force you back to their religion, if that's not who we are.

It would never enter my head to pray for someone to find my religion.

picklemewalnuts · 05/04/2022 11:51

So your question is 'would we', but that's really not relevant to you because we aren't the people bothering you.

You need support to distance yourself from these people, so they can't impact you anymore.

I think what they are doing could potentially class as spiritual abuse, which the CofE would take very seriously. I say that, because their training suggests they'd take it seriously. Obviously in any group, some people may fail to follow their own safeguarding principles.

FudgeSundae · 05/04/2022 11:54

I know what you mean, but I don’t feel so strongly. The thing that annoys me is someone saying “I’ll pray for you” as if they’re conveying this massive favour which I need to be eternally grateful for. When my mum was dying I had enough to deal with. It’s not a favour to do some private thinking / speaking, thanks. If you want to help, roll up your sleeves and bring coffee.

Fairislefandango · 05/04/2022 11:56

Not blaming you for the inadvertent drip-feed at all - if this is your accustomed experience of religion (because of the attitudes of those around you), it's not surprising you assumed we'd understand there was an underlying element of control and judgment in them insist they'd pray for you.

It does make a huge difference, and definitely wasn't apparent to me from your OP. I've gone from baffled at your attitude to infuriated on your behalf! Respect of people's beliefs goes both ways. Trying to spiritually micromanage you into becoming a believer is frankly offensive.

CrunchyCarrot · 05/04/2022 11:56

I would pray about the situation, rather than specifically for the person.

UnbeatenMum · 05/04/2022 11:59

If you've been a victim of spiritual abuse, or another type of abuse by these people, and now they're telling you that they're praying for you along with others, it seems like in some ways that's a continuation or a reminder or a denial of the abuse. 'Returning to God' might signify returning to an abusive scenario for you which might be why it feels so violating?

AlternativePerspective · 05/04/2022 12:18

The whole prayer situation aside, you need to look at why you are allowing these people to have such a hold on you.

You absolutely can distance yourself from them. It may not be easy assuming they’re your parents or siblings, but with time and perhaps some therapy you can find the strength to cut these people out of your life. It doesn’t sound as if they bring anything positive to it, so take control.

Original poster
AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 12:53

I appreciate your view @AlternativePerspective but, as I said, it isn’t that simple. Sorry not to be more specific but I don’t want to be.

I appreciate everyone’s point of view.

OP posts:
rhowton · 05/04/2022 18:01

Yes, but mainly because I'm a petty Bitch.

Toddlerteaplease · 05/04/2022 18:13

Yes, I would. I just wouldn't tell them!

Toddlerteaplease · 05/04/2022 18:15

If you don't Believe in it, then I really can't understand why it's a violation. Besides it won't do you any harm!

Nnique · 05/04/2022 18:24

Perhaps if you had read the thread, you might better understand why OP is distressed by it and finds it intrusive/violating.

Mammatobearandaxel · 05/04/2022 18:57

Like others I find your post quite bizarre.

You are not the thought police, I agree that praying for someone who has asked you not to is somewhat impolite but it is certainly not a violation of any kind and definitely not a consent issue. For that to be true you would have to consent to everything that affected you in any way including someone saying your name. People do not need consent to pray about someone and as you say you don't have faith and therefore don't believe in a god or gods then it's not a 'conversation' with them then is it?!

hihellohihello · 05/04/2022 20:13

Because I’ve asked them not to.

It’s a consent violation. That’s what it feels like. It makes me feel anxious and sick to think that people would be praying for me behind my back even though I’ve specifically asked them not to.

What you are asking can be very difficult for a Christian. If every part of a person is given over to God, that includes what is thought. Part of Christian belief involves a unity with God, in thought and deed. There is a belief that God abides with us. Prayer becomes constant. All is brought before God, nothing can be hidden. All thought becomes like a prayer.

So essentially you are asking someone who you know and who knows you not to think about you at all. Erase you from their brain. Not an easy ask.

StopStartStop · 05/04/2022 20:48

OP, can you get/build a protection ritual of your own? Mantras, affirmations, flowers, a bit of smudging, a candle?

'I am free of the influence of others.'
'I am no longer held captive by the thoughts, prayers and intentions of others.'
'Today and every day, my own thoughts will strengthen me.'

mostlydrinkstea · 05/04/2022 21:10

I pray for people all the time in church and in my private prayers. I'm really careful how this is worded in public. 'We pray for those who have asked for our prayers including Dot and Mary' in church or a house group is fine. Giving full details of Dot's wrestling with alcoholism and Mary's last operation is not. When I used to train chaplains I was really strict about how information they got in their chaplaincy roles was not to be shared in their churches. It is so easy to break confidentiality and Mavis's gout is all over the local churches through well meaning but ill thought out sharing in prayer.

This sounds different. If I understand this right this group is trying to control the OP's behaviour. She has asked them not to and they are ignoring her wishes. This is making her anxious. This sounds like it is slipping towards spiritual abuse. If this is a mainstream church then I would hope that a word with the leadership would stop it.

Original poster
AchillesPoirot · 05/04/2022 22:52

It is a mainstream-ish evangelical church.

A word with the leadership has not stopped it. It has made it worse.

To be clear for those who have no read the thread. The praying that is being done is to turn me from the path of wickedness and sin and back to the lord. They are praying for me to come back to the church and it dominates and is centred in every interaction with them.

I have asked them not to pray for me to come back to the church and been told that they will continue to pray for that for me because they know what is best for me and that I am sinful and evil and led by Satan. And all kinds of other stuff that is more personal. And they pray in a home group out loud that I be turned from the path of wickedness.

OP posts:
Turningpurple · 06/04/2022 04:17

I have asked them not to pray for me to come back to the church and been told that they will continue to pray for that for me because they know what is best for me and that I am sinful and evil and led by Satan. And all kinds of other stuff that is more personal. And they pray in a home group out loud that I be turned from the path of wickedness.

The problem isnt that they are praying. Its that they are saying these things to you and making you aware they say these things in a group.

I don't think you can violate someone's consent by thought. No one can police someone's thoughts. However, they have crossed the line in to verbally and emotionally abusing you.