How do introverts do church?

[silveryslade]

"23 He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth."

(Luke 11:23 KJV)

Was thinking about this since the end of last week. I don't attend any church services regularly, mainly just weddings, funerals and the occasional carol concert with small D.C. - each of these being a reasonably long time ago. However, I am Christian. I get by with prayers, devotionals and watching streamed services / preaching. I donate secretly to different Christian charities and share my beliefs when appropriate in conversations with people I am close to. So in some ways I do 'gather'. I'm sure I could be better at this, though.

I shocked myself with these thoughts, it filled me with fear and dread at thinking of attending any particular church regularly. I never have. Wasn't brought up doing so even though I am Christened. I am pretty much an introvert. Probably more since Covid. Although I do enjoy getting together with family and friends. I fill my time and enjoy being alone so much, I hate the thought of demands on my time and feeling pressurised into volunteering type responsibilities and events even though I have enjoyed volunteering in the past I don't like feeling pressured to do so. I also like to feel anonymous until I'm ready to share.

Was wondering how other people manage this.

There's also:

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Matthew 18:20

Have you tried attending Church services remotely, by Zoom etc.?

In my experience, there are plenty of people who come to services and leave without being pressured into doing more.

I think it's important to find the right church for you - I go to a more 'high church' CofE church, because the informality of some more evangelical churches is challenging for my introversion and this suits me more. The congregation isn't very big and I don't tend to stay for coffee afterwards, so the only interactions with anyone else are exchanging the peace and receiving communion. I like making the Christmas shoeboxes but I've never done any other volunteering or anything.

God does not mind whether you follow your faith in a building with a load of other people, or whether you worship quietly at home, online, or by other ways.

Don't worry

The shaking hands with strangers and saying peace be with you or whatever it is puts me off going to baptisms, christenings etc. I just don't like it at all.

Ha, me too BrilliantBetty. I find it excruciating. I thought I was the only one.

To avoid exchanging the peace, go to a really big church and sit miles from anyone else and they won't be bothered to walk over to you

I'm lucky enough to live in a cathedral town (with, IMO, the ve best cathedral in the country) and I sometimes attend there for the sheer peace of anonymity.

At other times I attend Quakers, and although they are of course lovely people I do find it difficult that many members of the community there just assume that all attenders want to be drawn into the bosom of friendship and social engagement. I know there must be lots of people like me who find social engagement hard and prefer to limit their involvement to the amount that their social anxiety (or simply their preference for solitude) makes appropriate for them.

Quakers value silence, and there is a wider corrolate of silence in the avoidance of the sometimes-spurious busy-ness and social whirl in the life of a religious group.

Oh, and as for feeling bad about not volunteering for various tasks within the community, although I do feel guilty about that, I also keep in mind the Quaker Advices and Queries, no 28: "Attend to what love requires of you which may not be great busyness."
Some tasks are essential. Others are generated out of a (probably admirable) desire to be engaged. Either way, there should be space for individuals to find the path through them that is right for them.

I grew up attending Catholic church (although have been a staunch atheist as long as I can remember). The only interaction of any kind was the shaking hands bit (a bit painful but over and done with quickly) and communion (which I believe you're not meant to take unless baptised Catholic although I may be wrong about this). You could go for years without ever speaking to anyone else.

Church of Ireland from my experience is similar to the above except without the hand shaking and is a bit chattier with tea and traybakes afterwards.

I have friends who belong to an evangelical happy clappy type church and have seen some of their services on youtube and talked about it with my friends. It's very interactive with lots of members taking to the stage to share beliefs/experiences etc and I think most of them are involved in all sorts of extra curricular church activities and groups. It would be difficult to keep to yourself.

It seems to vary a lot.

@MissConductUS, thanks, yes, there's that scripture too. For that reason I've been thinking about the live streaming that some churches do so I could join in with the prayers at the same time.

@TuftyMarmoset, yes, I thought maybe that but I'm not confirmed so I don't know whether they'd allow me to take communion so then I'd feel bad not joining in but not knowing quite where to put myself. So that is a bit of a hurdle.

@butterflyze, thanks. Reassuring.

@BrilliantBetty, @Chickpea22, another thing that might find me cringing also!

@Random789, cathedral sounds lovely! Not one in my town though.

@evilharpy , my mother was brought up catholic so I've been to some catholic services. I was baptised c of e though so would have to convert.

I think I'll also be fervently praying my DH becomes more bothered about it all so we could support each other in this more easily. Although when I mentioned maybe going to a carol service he was surprisingly positive about that idea. We're typical c of e in that we don't attend church apart from christenings, weddings and funerals!

I've been looking into going to a Quaker meeting as it seems like it doesn't have any of the singing and other bells and whistles.

@silveryslade at my church if you take the order of service up with you the priest will give you a blessing instead of communion. I was confirmed as an adult and this is what I used to do

@Gingerkittykat, that's tempting but I think I actually want a bit of preaching (is it mainly silence?), it's just I think I would rather have less loud or obvious audience participation. I like the theatre for example but hate it when they pick on the audience.

@TuftyMarmoset, thanks, that's worth considering.

I’m an introvert, always have been, in my younger years at work in a big accountancy firm I always dreaded after work drinks/away days etc. I’m quite anti social by nature and prefer relating to people one to one. I’m the sort of person who, if I see someone I know boarding the same train as me, I’ll walk down the platform to a different carriage!

But I was brought up in an evangelical church which was very active/busy and my husband is now a minister. I think for me, the difference between church and other social events/work is that the church (ie the people) is supposed to be a family, who love and care for each other. And I genuinely enjoy talking to my church family, praying together etc. In some ways lockdown was nice, being able to sit at home and stream services but I really missed the interaction with other Christians, in the same way that I missed seeing my parents, siblings etc.

I think you’re missing out on the full experience of being a Christian by not joining with a church. I can totally understand your fears and I also know that often churches/other Christians let you down, but I think you should give it a try!

@crazycrofter, thanks. Hence I'm thinking about this. I'm just the sort of person that likes to dip my toes in the water first, start off really gently. I did that with running and now run 10k most days! So it's not like I'm planning to do nothing. Just deciding on what the most gentle way in is for me. Yes, I can be a bit of a wimp!

@crazycrofter but I can imagine it's somewhat easier if your DH is a minister and you got used to going to church with your family. Neither myself of DH have ever been regular attendees. If someone we were visiting wanted to go to a service we would happily go with them (unless it was a particular church we had deep reservations about). It's the making the decision to go when there really is no positive peer/family pressure. In fact the pressure goes the other way as a family we are used to filling up all our weekend time in other ways. I'm just looking for a way to almost by stealth get church on the agenda until it is a more regular feature. Carol service was my first thought. Along with praying on the matter.

@crazycrofter, perhaps if you and your DH pray for me too it would ease my way in?

@silveryslade absolutely! My post wasn’t meant to be critical, I totally understand where you’re coming from and I know it’s different for me as it’s always been part of my life. A carol service would be a great idea!

Thanks, @crazycrofter.

I'm an introvert with social anxiety but I've been attending church since I was a teenager. It was hard to start with but something I needed to do. I never used to hang around to chat afterwards but I really enjoyed midweek groups. Since marrying DH who also goes it's been much easier having someone to sit with and now we have children too so they're another focus. I've always been to tally big churches but recently found a small church suits me much better as an introvert. Maybe you could visit a few over the course of a few months and see what suits you best? That way you won't feel rushed into volunteering because you're just visiting.

@UnbeatenMum, thanks, that's certainly an option.

Fellow introvert here!
I go to church with my mask on. I sit about 2/3rd of the way back and 2/3rds to the side - the perfect introvert position!
I enjoy the service and go home after. I don’t go up for communion -I just do a sort of no-thanks hand gesture when asked and it’s never a problem.
I do like online services though. I actually engage more online than in person, as I can take time to compose my comments.
My worst thing about church is the whole “peace be with you” thing. My stomach actually lurches in fear the Vicar cheerfully asks people to do it.
I find wearing a mask makes all social interaction easier for me though - it is like my protective force field.

@PeachesPumpkin, I think I'm very similar! Regarding all things lockdown, I find I actually enjoy engaging with some of my family through messages more than seeing them more often. I was happy to move away from my family when I went to university and whilst I enjoy seeing them I like the etiquette surrounding being a host or guest better than the more free for all open house relationship I might have felt more obliged to have if I had stayed in my home town. I don't always find sharing the nitty gritty of day to day work with people very easy. I feel like I end up doing too much because I am deemed the most able to do whatever then I feel I have to withdraw to let other people have a go but am left with nothing to do of the task myself.