How do introverts do church?

[silveryslade]

"23 He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth."

(Luke 11:23 KJV)

Was thinking about this since the end of last week. I don't attend any church services regularly, mainly just weddings, funerals and the occasional carol concert with small D.C. - each of these being a reasonably long time ago. However, I am Christian. I get by with prayers, devotionals and watching streamed services / preaching. I donate secretly to different Christian charities and share my beliefs when appropriate in conversations with people I am close to. So in some ways I do 'gather'. I'm sure I could be better at this, though.

I shocked myself with these thoughts, it filled me with fear and dread at thinking of attending any particular church regularly. I never have. Wasn't brought up doing so even though I am Christened. I am pretty much an introvert. Probably more since Covid. Although I do enjoy getting together with family and friends. I fill my time and enjoy being alone so much, I hate the thought of demands on my time and feeling pressurised into volunteering type responsibilities and events even though I have enjoyed volunteering in the past I don't like feeling pressured to do so. I also like to feel anonymous until I'm ready to share.

Was wondering how other people manage this.

Equally with my family I feel I am pretty passive and go with the flow but it does drain me.

Extended family that should say. With my immediate family I am better at asserting myself.

I will be praying that you can find a nice church OP.

I was brought up going to church and love helping out and getting involved, but one of my siblings was the complete opposite and so far they’ve managed to just go, sit and walk back home after minimal interaction. Has worked for 20 years!

In my denomination there is no peace giving or communion (only every 3 months) and the church I currently attend would make you introduce yourself the first time you’re there (I know… ) but then you could happily slip into anonymity.

We sing quietly and nobody would notice if you didn’t sing, there is no hallelujah!! throughout the service but it does feel like you’re just with family at the end of the service. When people approach you it’s out of genuine interest and wanting to know more about you, without trying to recruit you to volunteer for some role.

It’s all about finding a church you ‘click’ with. I’d give a few a try if you have some choice in your area.

Thanks, @EileenGC.

Also, just to say that Baptist and non-denominational churches don't tend to do the peace if that's an issue for you. I'm not sure about Methodist. Not all CofE churches do it regularly either although I'm not sure how you would find out. I've been to Baptist, CofE and non-denominational churches over the years, lots of similarities and I loved all of them in different ways.

I've avoided church for a long time for the same reasons, I find it so difficult because I'm so anxious and struggle with the idea of having to talk to people and make conversation. I've been to a few different churches and didn't feel settled enough to stay.

My partner goes to a bigger church and says you can easily pop in and out and not have conversation with anyone so I may try that, maybe that's an option for you op?

In the Anglican Church, they sneak into evensong or to an 8am service and exchange nods, if anything.

Thanks, all pretty encouraging. Funnily enough just been reading Hebrews

"24 And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:
25 Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching." (Hebrews 10: 24-25 KJV)

The more I consider these things the more I think how much better this would work if my immediate family were more involved too to support each other in this way, daily. Certainly something I'll be praying for!

Our C of E Church still isn't doing the handshake due to the pandemic. Just a nod of the head at other people, while wearing a mask. I actually prefer it 😆
Anonymity is much easier at the moment. Sit near the back, wear a mask and don't go up for communion.
There isn't even coffee afterwards at the moment at my church. Just in and then out.

@ofwarren I am actually torn though. Because if you can be completely anonymous is there any point being there in person? When you could just live stream a service.

I'm thinking this whole thing is reflective of supposedly collaborative relationships where I've felt railroaded or exploited and alienated or put upon. So I withdraw for a rest but then end up feeling lonely and left out. So then I've learnt to fill my alone time and found enjoyment and fulfilment that way. Strict social rules and etiquette can help in that there is a kind of structure but it is of know help when you are unfamiliar with the etiquette or have to jump through hurdles just to engage.

I tried the online services during the pandemic and it's not for me. It feels more 'holy' experiencing it in the actual church. I come away more fulfilled that way.
It's all very personal though, and online services are obviously good for some people. For me though, it's a bit like the difference between listening to recorded music at home and going out to listen to live music. A totally different experience. The music feels more uplifting and more of an event when it's live.

@ofwarren ah, yes, that makes sense.

I second going to a cathedral if you live near one. Much more anonymous. Plus the music is wonderful.

In my church (RC) the exchange of peace is still not being done. Thanks to covid.

I used to go to a fairly evangelical church when my kids were small as it had a great Sunday school and lots of activities for them, but I HATED the "passing the peace" and all the hugging that went on in the main church.

In the end we moved away and I now go to a fairly traditional church where there's no peace passing, hugging or happy clapping.

@RaraRachael

I used to go to a fairly evangelical church when my kids were small as it had a great Sunday school and lots of activities for them, but I HATED the "passing the peace" and all the hugging that went on in the main church.

In the end we moved away and I now go to a fairly traditional church where there's no peace passing, hugging or happy clapping.

I didn't realise some churches hugged! 😳 I would NOT be up for that! I don't like hugging at all, especially not with people not in my immediate family.

@Toddlerteaplease

In my church (RC) the exchange of peace is still not being done. Thanks to covid.

Are your church taking the full sacrament now? Church of England are saying it's ok not to take the wine and I'd say that the majority of the congregation don't. It's such a shame.

Hmm, yes.

@RaraRachael, hmm yes, I get that. I love the accessibility of the evangelical church. The preaching is easy to understand, lovely that there is plenty for children too. But, yes, I would feel very awkward with the feeling of enforced familiarity before I am ready. Volunteering, yes, again if I feel too pressurised into it or if I feel it takes up too much of my time it frightens me. However, not being wholly familiar with the more formal traditional church frightens me too. I'm scared of doing it wrong, drawing attention to myself, panic about crossing myself the wrong way, speaking out at the wrong bit, standing up at the wrong time etc I'm embarrassed about not being confirmed, don't want to be confronted about it. I'm torn about ritualistic aspects, in some ways I feel alienated by them, I'm somewhat unfamiliar with the motions. Equally I understand the sacramental quality of the rituals but I sort of view aspects of everyday life Sacramental too. There are the same metaphors in it of cleansing, communion, eating and drinking, celebration, gratitude, giving, taking, love and sacrifice.

It sounds like you're already following the advice Jesus gave in Matthew 6.

Some of the louder more touchy-feely churches sometimes give the appearance of having forgotten that bit.

If you don't have the option of the anonymity of a cathedral or very large parish, you could look at the different service times. In our parish (Catholic), we have 5 Masses every Sunday. The mid-late morning ones are more social, but the early morning one is very quiet. The majority of people come, sit spread out from one another, and leave with very little social interaction. This would be typical of a Catholic parish. Sometimes the Masses will be labelled as 'family', 'solemn' or similar. Avoid those and go for the early morning one. And then, if you did want to be more part of it later on, you could start going to one of the noisier services.

@ErrolTheDragon, thanks. That certainly is an aim but one which I dare say manage to various degrees of success! 

@Fink, good to know. I've got to say, though, I often feel most awkward regarding the Catholic Church since I'm not baptised Catholic or confirmed.

As an aside at my Catholic grandfather's funeral (mother is lapsed & married C of E), I felt the service to be particularly beautiful. The priest was something else, very piecing eyes, you could almost feel the electricity coming from him. Anyway he said anyone could take the communion who wanted to, if not they could get a blessing. As I remember I couldn't get up with my mother because of where we were sitting so lost sight of her. My Baptist cousins behind me were discussing whether to take Catholic communion, not being Catholic and decided to go for the blessing. So I, not being baptised Catholic (baptised C of E) or confirmed Catholic went to get a blessing. Well, the priest after doing a load of blessing stumbled at me and started as if to give me communion then when I asked for a blessing was visibly surprised! That stayed with me! We were certainly of the same mind in that moment! (Talk about synchronicity my predictive text wanted to change moment to nonsense!)

Oh and my mother did take communion. When I asked her she answered as if this should have been obvious and that I should've if I had wanted to! Which I thought was rich since she didn't really ever introduce me to the Catholic Church and I was totally unfamiliar. However, it was important since it was that that made me ensure she received the last rights at the appropriate time. No one else had thought of asking a priest to visit her or at least no one mentioned it.

I've been to both traditional style churches and also evangelical style ones. Both Highlands of Scotland so neither type was as ritualistic as I've heard CofE can be (there is no collective chanting or all standing up and sitting down etc). I don't think either was any better or worse for my introvertism. Neither required people to participate within the service itself (except standing up to sing). Afterwards both types of church had tea and coffee served. Some people went to this and some didn't. You could just turn up for the service, smile and say good morning to the people you sat next to, and then leave, if you wanted to.

I do think that fellowship is really important though. So I've always tried to force myself to stay for the coffee and chat part even though it's scary. Something I've found that made it easier is volunteering to help with the coffee because it gives you a job and chatting whilst doing something is easier. I know you don't want to commit to this too early, but once you've found a church you think might work long-term this is a really good way to get to know people and ease you into the social side if you want to be involved in that. If you don't want to volunteer though, don't let anyone pressure you into it!

I think that the type of church is actually less important than the size. Smaller churches are less likely to contain 'your' people, so you might not find people exactly like you. But they are more likely to spot new people and make an effort to welcome them. Mingling for the coffee afterwards is much easier if people actually come and talk to you rather than leaving you standing like a lemon! I think it is quicker to get to know people in smaller churches, and for me as an introvert I find it easier to talk once I do know people, rather than talking to new people.

Could you go to quite a few carol services this year? Try out three or four churches without any pressure and see which feels best? You could definitely do carol services on the quiet, without anyone noticing you too much.

Thanks, @MinaPop, that makes a lot of sense! Yes, carol services were what I was thinking about, at least initially, especially since DH was not averse to going with me!