@AravisQueenOfArchenland you’ve been on my mind today.
You’ve had some very sound advice from the wise women here I think, not least to deal with what you are feeling/experiencing in the ‘real world’, step away from the spell work and to call the police in threatening situations. I think these things are really important.
I wanted to add to my response to you earlier on a similar vein. Not entirely in keeping with the theme of the thread and not an answer to the questions you were asking, which I realise were witchcraft related. My apologies for this but as I said, you’ve been on my mind and my gut is telling me to expand on a couple of points. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve worked with a lot of women who have experienced abuse over the years and I feel quite strongly about it.
You say in your post that your ex was abusive in every way possible and that the other man you mention became stalker like/obsessive.
When you go through an (or a series of) abusive relationship(s) it literally ‘messes with your head’. What I mean is that in order to maintain power and control over you the abuser needs to convince you that you are in some way the problem; the one who is ‘bad’. He needs to make you believe that you deserve it in some way otherwise you wouldn’t stay and he would lose his power and control. He needs this to continue to abuse you. It’s a kind of brainwashing process that happens over time.
Alongside this is usually a process of minimising the abuse that happens, ‘it wasn’t that bad’ ‘it was only because I did that’ etc.
It doesn’t make you gullible or ‘bad’ in any way, it’s a powerful force. But what it does do is makes it hard to set boundaries because everything you thought was ‘right and wrong’ has been skewed by this psychological process.
This means you may end up tolerating things that others perhaps wouldn’t which can leave you more vulnerable than you realise.
It’s a sticky business and these beliefs can hang around unless we work to change our thinking.
When you become free of abuse it is right and normal to feel angry. The abuser had no right to do these things to you and you did not deserve it in any way.
Anger means you are becoming free of the psychological programming your abuser did to keep you in your place- seeing it for what it is. In this way it is a normal and healthy response to feel angry about what happened and to wish ill on the abuser. It’s a natural part of the process.
What strikes me is that within your regret for the curse you are seeing yourself as the ‘baddie’, that you are receiving ‘punishment’ for what you have done.
If we zoom out a bit we can see a situation where you were abused, you felt rightfully angry about that and did something that felt like serving justice from your point of view. I’m not going to discuss the ethics of that any further, I think the others have given you some very sound advice around this, but I can see why you would want to find some way of taking action that felt like taking control.
What I would like to challenge is the overall feeling that you seem to be carrying of you as being wrong and suffering for it.
I’d agree with what has already been said about releasing any hard time you’re still giving yourself over this. You’ve had experiences no human should inflict on another and rightly need to heal.
I don’t think it’s your responsibility to ‘make amends’, I know it’s hard when there are children involved but your concern as a mother is about your safety (both physical and psychological) and that of the children.
You’ve been through a lot and it would be unusual to be unscathed by this. It sounds like you’ve made some great steps towards healing and taking your power back and if you haven’t already, please consider connecting with some practical support to help with any residual scarring this has caused.
Is there a Freedom Programme in your area or any support for survivors of domestic abuse? It might be worth a look if you haven’t already. I think as women we can find it hard to attend to our own needs and we tend to play down the lasting impact these experiences can have- we’re programmed that way in many ways and it can take a critical look at our position in society to take a step outside of it.
Apologies if these are things you’ve already considered and/or addressed, it just felt important to me to look at your questions in the context of the bigger picture.
Go easy on yourself, it takes strength to go through what you have 