Going to Church on Sundays

[EdithSimcox]

Question for Christians obviously: How important is it to you to be able to go to church on Sunday?

I have recently refound faith after an absence of 25 years. My DP is finding it impossible to accept. I've been trying to find ways of being as unobtrusive as possible about it - including going to church near the office on a weekday lunchtime so as not to disrupt our family weekends. But I do want to go to church on Sundays sometimes - I want a 'home' church, to be part of a regular congregation, to sing hymns, to feel part of a church family (DP would really shudder at that one). In the last 8 weeks I've managed to go twice. I wasn't going today anyway because I knew 2 weeks in a row would really tip her over the edge. But this morning she asked me to agree never to go on Sundays. I said it was too big an ask to try and bounce me into and she had a sort of panic attack (I don't know if that's a technical thing, but it's definitely a physical panic/pain response she has - which she is having therapy to deal with but she thinks may never go away)

I do want to put her and the DC first, and I am prepared to compromise, but I was thinking more like going once or twice a month, not never. But she says I can pray anywhere and go to church in the week, so it's not a big thing to ask at all.

As a compromise I'm think I'm going to agree not to go until September, but that won't be enough I'm sure.

What do you think?

Panic attacks to stop you doing what you want? Something very wrong there.
As an atheist myself, I can understand that she is not happy that you have refound religion, and that this may well affect how she feels about you.
But whether or not you attend church, and when you do it - well her reaction seems disproportionate.
I understand that one of the main benefits of religion is belonging to a community church. Is she just unhappy at the fact you going to church on a vSunday will have a knock- on effect on family time? If so, your compromise of going a few times a month sounds fair. But for her to insist and extract promises from you not to go until September that is very controlling, and quite odd. Does she have MH issues?

So, in practical terms, springy, wwyd?

That was September last year delphinium... !

Dear me, a panic attack is not something I would choose under any circumstances. A panic attack is technically an extremely unpleasant physiological response to severe threat.

wwid? Be honest with her. Don't minimise it as 'a keen interest'. Tell her the truth. Humbly, of course.

You're going to have to deal with how defensive you are first, though. Not just about this but in general (it seems to me).

I don't think I'm unduly defensive in general, what makes you think that? And why do you think I've not been honest with DP? I meant would you go to church sometimes (if you were me)? Never on a Sunday? How long would you wait for the horror to pass?

I'd inch my way forward within the context of the relationship. I wouldn't be looking for a structure or set of rules to apply.Things change and move in a living relationship: one minute one thing applies and is appropriate; the next something else fits better.

I'm not saying you haven't been honest, op.

Do you feel you've been attacked on this thread, Edith? That rather surprises me........

No, Bert, that's not what I meant. I'm on my phone so I can't re-read the whole thing, and some of its quite old, but so far as I recall this thread has been very supportive. I meant in RL mainly.

By people other than your dp?

A few, yes. And on other boards here.

fwiw i could have worded the defensive thing differently; less square on. eg I could have said 'you're going to have to deal with any defensiveness first'. Apologies.

Perhaps clarify to yourself , privately, exactly what this is to you. Is it a club, an interest? Are you madly in love [with God]? etc. Get it clear with yourself first. Then you can be on a surer footing when you approach her.

Have you discussed this in depth with her btw? Or did you say 'btw I think I'm going to go to church'.

You've got off lightly here op! Vicious on here, I tell you (on this board)

Hi, Edith, how are you doing?

What I thought when I saw those recent posts, is that if you are anything like me, is that sometimes a series of questions can put you on the spot because you essentially feel an emotional response but have not fully processed it yet and cannot quite verbalise it. When people interpret what you have said and reiterate it to you it then often doesn't seem quite accurate. People project their own interpretations a lot, which is ironically what I'm doing now! however sometimes we find some common ground, which is nice.

I have just read this thread and there are a few things that strike me, in no particular order.
For those who say that a partner finding faith could be a deal breaker, I would hope you would give them the chance to show that it has not made them into a worse person.I know that this will be hard for an atheist to hear but there are countless testimonies of partners being so impressed by the change in their partner on becoming a Christian that they have attended church with them and also found faith.
Also, controlling church attendance/Christian activity will only serve to strengthen OP's faith as she will be constantly having to ask whether her faith is worth the relationship trauma and finding each time Gods strength and love pulling her through. Many Christians live in a comfortable bubble with lots of nice fellowship and support from the Church community. They often do not face the hardship that OP does. In the countries where you can be killed, tortured and imprisioned for claiming to be a Christian, those Christians have a much stronger faith as their belief has to mean more to them than life itself.
The change has already occurred. Church attendance will not change that. Either OP's faith is a deal breaker or not to her partner but saying she can believe it but not practice is is very controlling IMO. She is not saying the relationship is over because OP has changed her beliefs but she is dictating how she practice her beliefs.
OP, I cannot pretend to know what you are going through but what I have learned in life is that God can do the impossible through ways we do not expect. When I read your comment in response to someone suggesting your partner might change on this, it reminded me of a family situation we had. When I married DP, his parents were atheist and horrified. They told him if he married me they would cut him off and write him out of their will and lives. We got married and for 11 years they would have no contact. They returned letters, put phone down on DP when he rang to tell them they had a grandchild, they tried to stop his 2 sisters from seeing him. We prayed and prayed and we told our children about their grandparents and how we loved them and hoped one day they would meet them, and our children started to pray too at bedtime that they would meet their 'other grandparents'. I could see no way they would change, they are quite reclusive and do not have friends to challenge their views. One day my then 11 year old DD asked for their address. I still do not know what she wrote to her grandma but within a few weeks we were invited for tea and have been seeing them monthly since then. My DP's relationship with them is now an adult to adult one and better than it ever was as a child. There is still a bit of a spiritual battle going on and for Christmas last year they gave my now 13 year old DD a book about a teenager who escaped from a religious cult!! for her Christmas present which perplexed us somewhat but I guess it shows how strongly some atheists feel about Christian faith!
OP I greatly admire how your love for your family unit shines through and how you are trying to respect your partners view here but in a healthy relationship we have to respect that we will have different views/interests/beliefs. Even 2 Christians can have very different views on doctrine. I would keep exploring this in your therapy sessions, go when you can to church and keep praying. We will pray for you and your situation too. Thinking of you.

"For those who say that a partner finding faith could be a deal breaker, I would hope you would give them the chance to show that it has not made them into a worse person"
Nobody has said that they would be made into a worse person. Just a different person
"I know that this will be hard for an atheist to hear but there are countless testimonies of partners being so impressed by the change in their partner on becoming a Christian that they have attended church with them and also found faith"
Why would that be hard to hear? You are free to say whatever you want! If you have read the thread you will be aware that the OP has been told repeatedly that his/her partner has no right to stop him/her going to church. I suspect encouraging him/her to persuade the OP to come along may not be a very good idea, though......

re panic attacks - shallow breathing sets off a panic attack. re breathing becomes shallow (fear/fright/threat) which sends a message to the adrenals to FIRE because there's a threat on (fight/flight). Breathing deeply stops that message being sent/turns it off.

[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Panic-Attacks-What-Happen-About/dp/0007106904/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458731314&sr=1-1&keywords=panic+attacks This]] is a good book about panic attacks.

This

Yes I do those things (read the Bible, pray).

But do you enjoy them when you do them alone. Or does doing all those in church do it more for you. Is doing all that alone a duty.

What I'm trying to get at is : is this about your relationship with God or is it more to do with the trappings?

Of course, it can be both. Nothing wrong with either - or both. Just trying to locate where you're coming from...

Re you say you 'should' do this or that (eg put her first) but that entirely depends on the circumstances. 'Should' isn't a very good yardstick, really.

I agree she should not be asking DP to join her!
I fell sad though that so many atheists have such ingrained ideas about Christians. Whilst my in laws are probably an extreme example I can see some of what they believe coming through in others opinions on this thread. When DP became a Christian at university they first threatened to disown him and their reasons were that he would somehow give all his money to the church and had been brainwashed. It settled down until he met and married a Christian and then all started again. I really find it hard to understand why for an atheist, their partner finding faith could be a dealbreaker. Surely if someone you love deeply, changes their beliefs profoundly but was still the same loveable person you married, you would do all you could to understand why they now believed something different..
I wont say that becoming a Christian wont change them because as a Christian I believe that it does change you completely, but only for the better.
"for the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23.
If your partner starts to show growth in the above areas then surely that can only be good for your relationship.
I can actually see that the OP is showing quite a few of those fruits in the way she is dealing with this situation.

springy I have got to say, even though I (like you as far as I can gather) worship a lot alone, a lot of Christians find great meaning in worshipping communally - Christ incarnate being amongst the church. It is not as simple as church=rituals and trappings, worshipping alone=experiencing God. The 'rituals' are (intended to be) a sacramental experience. Yes, another set of Christians find God in quiet times alone, shown with the acolyte tradition for example.

I apologise if I have not understood the gist of what you were saying, the above thought just struck me as a response.

yy it says it there in the book but that sure does give rise to some very weird behaviour on the part of some christians trying to do all that. aka repressed.

I digress. Or perhaps I don't - because I find all that extremely erm off-putting - and I'm not even thinking people are going to run off with all the family silver when they become christians.

Sorry I meant hermit not acolyte, got my words mixed up somehow.

Anchorite was the actual word I was trying to remember!