Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Original poster

Fourteen year old doesn't want to go to church anymore!

126 replies

Ghostsdonttalk · 06/04/2014 12:10

Apparently we are forcing our beliefs on her!

We and she are cradle catholics. I have a strong belief.

Any advice, welcome.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 07/04/2014 20:21

"presumably christians find it easy to reject Allah"

I certainly hope not, given that Islam very clearly has the same Abrahamic God as Judaism and Christianity.

"Allah" is just the Arabic word for God. Not a different deity.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 07/04/2014 20:22

I can assure you not all christians agree with that.

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 20:24

My PIL are Catholics have been their whole lives. They do not reject other gods they just choose to put their faith in a different one. Nor do they reject those who believe in a different faith or non at all.

You cannot tar every faith believer with the same brush att they are all different people with different views.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 07/04/2014 20:28

No but they choose not to worship most of those gods- so the OP shouldn't find it hard if her DD decides "not to put her faith " in any god.
As you say it is easy to understand.

CoteDAzur · 07/04/2014 20:29

"you might accept it was their choice, but still be upset they were rejecting something you truly believed would save them. "

Save them from what, though? Freedom to live their life according to their best judgement?

The analogy with disease/medicine is a false one. Life is not a disease and the end is the same for all of us, regardless of our beliefs or lack thereof. You live for a while, then you die. Unlike an illness that is proven to cure a disease, religious belief is not known to have saved anyone from death or anything beyond that, if any such "beyond" even exists.

CoteDAzur · 07/04/2014 20:30

If some Christians don't "agree" that Muslims worship the very same Abrahamic God as themselves, then they are ignorant. It's nothing a quick read of Quran wouldn't cure.

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 20:41

It is easy for me to understand but the fact the OP is finding it difficult is ok. Why shouldn't she?
Just because you have a problem with it does not make you right.

I am finding it difficult to see what your actual problem with the OP is att

I get that you have an issue with religion and that's fine but you cannot force anyone to agree with you that religion is bad because, well wouldn't that be the same as forcing someone to go to church?

Trojanhouse · 07/04/2014 20:44

I always appreciated the fact that my mother did not force my siblings and I to attend church .
I stopped attending church in my late teens but returned when i had my children. One will often find that people brought up in the catholic faith will usually return when they have children as they want their dcs to have the moral grounding that the church offers .
I will never force my beliefs on my children , I want my children to choose to know God.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 07/04/2014 20:45

It's religion that indoctrinates, not athiesm.

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 20:55

But you still haven't explained why you have such an issue with the OP?

Northernlurker · 07/04/2014 21:15

I don't think this is an issue you can properly understand unless you have a Christian faith yourself. Those commenting on this thread who do not have that faith cannot possibly appreciate the Op's position because they themselves hold her faith in contempt. Therefore they are not looking at this situation with a balanced view at all, but rather that the OP's dd has 'escaped'. It would be equally wrong to approach this issue from a position of faith and start lamenting that the dd is 'lost' and Something Must Be Done. That would be outrageously arrogant.

I am a Christian and I attend church every week. Dh and I count ourselves very lucky that our older dds are still happy, indeed enthusiastic about church attendance and activities. If my child came to and said she did not want to come to church I would accept that as the situation and yes I would pray for her. Of course I pray for my children and so does the OP. We would be failing as Christian parents if we didn't occasionally address God on that topic Grin Not attending church is one thing, saying that you don't have any faith is another and far more upsetting.

OP - look you're in this for the long haul and God knows the plans he has for your dd. Don't try and force anything, answer her questions, be open about the difference your faith makes to you and let her see your faith in your life. Love one another, practice charity and offer forgiveness, bring everything to God in prayer and remember that everything is possible with Him. Don't be discouraged by her choice right now but rejoice that you've had the chance to share your faith with her. I think she'll come back to it but you know it has to be a personal choice, freely made with all our heart.

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 21:17

Nother
I have commented on this thread and expressed a complete understanding of the OP's situation yet I have no faith in any god.

I agree with what you have said.

CoteDAzur · 07/04/2014 21:19

"they are not looking at this situation with a balanced view at all"

What would constitute a "balanced view" on this subject? Genuine question. You either believe or you don't. Nobody can both believe and not believe at the same time Confused

sonlypuppyfat · 07/04/2014 21:37

She probably hasn't lost her faith she just finds doing her own thing more fun than church. I go most weeks but I always swore I wouldn't make my kids go.

Original poster
Ghostsdonttalk · 07/04/2014 21:42

Northern lurker and others who have understood, Thank you.

Perhaps it is time to bring this thread to a close.

OP posts:
KatOD · 07/04/2014 22:03

Just to squeak in before you close.... I was a cradle catholic and stopped going about this age after years of huge rows every Sunday. I am now a happy atheist.

That said similar things happened with some of my friends who returned to the faith and are very happy with it, so good for them.

I'm sorry you're distressed by this and worried for her, but good on you Ghosts for allowing her to follow her own path and figure it out for herself.

I don't think you need to share the faith to understand why you're so upset at all, you just need to be capable of understanding what someone else might believe.

Martorana · 07/04/2014 22:09

Please listen to others as well, OP. I do understand how you feel- but I am as sure as I can be that giving her books, asking her to church every week and telling her you're praying for her is not going to get the result you want- rather the opposite. Pray for her- but don't tell her. Be cheerful and accepting and supportive.And whatever you do , don't take the advice of whoever suggested getting third parties to ask her to things- teenagers have an incredibly well developed sixth sense about things like that- she will know. You have given her the foundations of your faith- it's up to her now. And that's a very hard thing to accept about out children- they have their own beliefs and philosophies and value systems.

Bear in mind that she can't possibly make a positive choice to be a Catholic if she doesn't take a step back and look at it from the outside for a while. She may decide it's not for her after that look- but that's the risk we have to take when we make a new human being!

Delphiniumsblue · 07/04/2014 22:23

I think that it is a balanced view. I would say the same to atheist parents who were upset if their child went to church.
Everyone makes up their own mind.
Of course you bring up your child your way but they will have free choice and it may not be your way. E.g. If you are a vegetarian and don't eat meat for ethical reasons then you would expect not to feed your child meat BUT you have to be aware that as your child gets older they may not share that view and they have as much right as you to make up their own mind.
It is pure luck if your child follows your views on the big questions of life, and not something you can force. You can force the outward things, but you can't control what they think.
When you look at your newborn baby you have absolutely no idea what you have got!

sashh · 08/04/2014 08:22

How can there be such a thing as a 'birth faith'? Babies don't have beliefs or faith in anything.

In the words of Monty Python,

I'm a Roman Catholic
And have been since before I was born
And the one thing they say about Catholics is
They'll take you as soon as you're warm

You don't have to be a six-footer
You don't have to have a great brain
You don't have to have any clothes on you're
A Catholic the moment Dad came

OP

You are forcing your belief on her. You don't see it like that, you see it as 'doing the best' for her.

She is 14, old enough to choose. And old enough to change her mind if she chooses.

Congratulate yourself on raising a child who can think for herself and is working out what sort of adult she will be.

I know it is hard, you want to do everything you can to protect your child physically, emotionally and spiritually but it is her choice now.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 08/04/2014 08:40

sashh I agree. All babies are born with a "clean slate" in terms of faith. Raising a child without faith keeps that slate clean so they can decide for themselves at a later stage if they want faith or which faith, rather than imposing upon them.

BigDorrit · 08/04/2014 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 08/04/2014 09:38

So if both parents go to church what do they do with their baby? Find a baby sitter in case they accidentally influence their baby? Keep their faith secret? God isn't just for adults.

Martorana · 08/04/2014 09:46

Of course you raise your baby in your faith- just like you raise your baby to your own set of political, social and moral values. But just be prepared for them to take on different ones when they reach "the age of reason". There was a time when my dd looked worryingly as if she was going to be a Tory.........................

Delphiniumsblue · 08/04/2014 13:34

Of course you take your baby to church if you go! How ridiculous to say you wouldn't. You bring up your child the way that suits you BUT you always have to realise that once they think for themselves they may think completely differently.
I spent yesterday with a friend whose father was a vicar, the friend hasn't been near a church since she was a teenager. Her father chose to be a vicar and she gets the same free choice that he did. It would be a bizarre world if you were stuck with following your parents because they gave birth to you. She got on well with her parents, both dead now. I can't see why people see it as so important that their children follow. David Cameron's children don't have to be Tories, he had the choice and so do they.

Delphiniumsblue · 08/04/2014 13:36

Another friend is an atheist and her son bases his whole life around the local church. Why does it matter? They still have the same loving relationship.