Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Original poster

Fourteen year old doesn't want to go to church anymore!

126 replies

Ghostsdonttalk · 06/04/2014 12:10

Apparently we are forcing our beliefs on her!

We and she are cradle catholics. I have a strong belief.

Any advice, welcome.

OP posts:
MrsCosmopilite · 06/04/2014 12:13

I was made to go to church (Church of England) from age 4-15. I loathed it.

TallyGrenshall · 06/04/2014 12:16

Let her make her own decision. In my family we were given the choice regarding church when we started high school and DM never commented one way or the other. DM still attends every week and is very active in the UCM.

My choice, and that of my siblings (all different) hasn't affected our relationship with her at all

nancy75 · 06/04/2014 12:16

What is a cradle catholic?

I suppose you Can make her go but you can't make her believe so why make her go?

lastnightopenedmyeyes · 06/04/2014 12:19

A cradle catholic is someone who has been raised in the catholic faith since birth. According to google Smile

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 06/04/2014 12:20

My advice? She's presumably followed you and your views for a while. Grant her the same kindness.

IMO if you back off but keep doors open she will come to find her own path better than a constant arguement. She needs to make her own mind up.

homeanddry · 06/04/2014 12:21

Don't force it.

She might come back to it later, when she's ready. She will have absorbed a lot of your beliefs by 14 - by which I mean that they will form part of her culture.

It has to be up to her to do what she wants with that from now on, or you might risk alienating her.

CalamityKate · 06/04/2014 12:23

Well if she doesn't want to go to church any more she doesn't have to does she? Otherwise you ARE forcing your beliefs on her Hmm

K8Middleton · 06/04/2014 12:23

She is 14 and therefore quite old enough to make her own decisions about church and her beliefs. Do not try to make her go. It will not end well.

Onlyonamonday · 06/04/2014 12:26

Both my dds went to church, grew up in Sunday school youth clubs and girls brigade they had a lovely time until it appears they just grew out of it. They both used to go down to help out with the little ones on a Sunday morning as a bit of voluntary work but as they are now 18 & 16 they work at weekends anyway.
I wouldn't worry too much your dd should be able to make her own decision about when or wether she goes or not. Just remember she will always have her memories and inner spiritual base from when she was younger.

Aethelfleda · 06/04/2014 12:32

Time for a discussion about her growing up- for she IS growing up- and state clearly that you love her unconditionally, and always will, whatever spiritual path (or none) she chooses to take. Tell her that working things out for herself is part of becoming and adult and that is just as much about how she wants to approach her physical life as her non-physical beliefs. Whatever happens, you are there for her.
If reading is her thing, offer to to buy her books about searching for faiths and exploring beliefs (even if these are not your faith path, it is immensely helpful for her to know you will support her). Banning anything will make her want it! You've given her a grounding in your own path, and now it's time for her to move towards her own life choice. If she affirms her faith it will be all the stronger. If she moves away you have to respect that. Keeping your own relationship strong is priceless no matter what she decides. Good luck!

Funnyfoot · 06/04/2014 12:35

Sorry but I think you need to let her make her own decision otherwise as pp said you ARE forcing your beliefs on her.

She may not completely give up on her faith and may return to it later in life but if you force her to attend church she will grow to resent it and wash her hands of it completely when she becomes an adult.

Accept her decision and show that religion/faith is a personnel choice and that the doors to faith will never be closed just because she chooses not to walk through them at this stage in her life.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/04/2014 12:37

Obviously you stop forcing her to go

If you're in a couple you will I guess have to go to different services so she's not at home on her own?

gamerchick · 06/04/2014 12:41

shes old enough to try out some ideas of her own. She may go back in time but I don't think religion should be forced.

letsgomaths · 06/04/2014 12:44

At that age I distrusted religion so much because of the force; not so much my parents forcing me to go (because they didn't), but a lot of the messages of the RC church, which are very much telling you what to do.

As an adult, I'm now CofE and love it.

readysteady · 06/04/2014 12:46

Laurie she is 14 do could stay at home whilst her parents go. I would just continue to ask each week if she wants to come and not force the issue.

MrsRuffdiamond · 06/04/2014 12:47

This is the absolute textbook age for questioning all the things you have been brought up with and accepted as a child.

She needs to find her own way through the world. You have done your best to show her the path that you feel is the right one. She may or may not eventually choose it, and I think you need to respect that that is her prerogative, without letting her decision affect your relationship.

The most positive thing you can do is to demonstrate the strength of your faith by accepting her right to challenge it.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 06/04/2014 12:47

I was forced to go to church and convent school. I'm now an atheist. Don't force it

specialsubject · 06/04/2014 12:51

your religion no doubt teaches you tolerance. So have some.

you have produced an intelligent, independent thinking being who questions - as she should. Let her make her own decisions and respect them.

if your faith is real, no-one else's beliefs should make any difference.

I've been on the receiving end of this and it is not fun. Don't make the same mistake.

puddymuddles · 06/04/2014 12:52

Don't force it. I am a practising Catholic btw (and a cradle Catholic!). I stopped going to church in my teens and looked into other faiths then started going to Mass again in my late 20s.

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice · 06/04/2014 12:53

You're annoyed she doesn't believe in the same stories you do? Hmm What did you expect?

really1234 · 06/04/2014 13:03

I was a 'cradle' catholic (as was my mum, dad was agnostic) and stopped wanting to go to church around that age. My mum forced me to go every Sunday until my 18th birthday.

I didn't go for years afterwards and in fact have never returned properly. It really was a bad move to force it and I advise that you don't do the same.

I go to the CofE church in our village 5 or 6 times a year now and do enjoy it, I consider myself Christian rather than catholic and try to live a good life, often talk to God but not in an organised by others fashion.

Really please don't force her, you will push her away.

Morgause · 06/04/2014 13:04

She's old enough to decide for herself. Let her.

pictish · 06/04/2014 13:05

Well if she doesn't want to go to church any more she doesn't have to does she? Otherwise you ARE forcing your beliefs on her

Yep.

yourlittlesecret · 06/04/2014 13:13

I think you should respect her views now. It's a battle that you will never win.
I was forced went to church until I was 14 when I told my parents I wasn't going any more. There was some "we are disappointed" but otherwise they left me alone about it. I'm glad they did because I came away with reasonably benevolent feelings about the church.

I even had both DC baptised entirely for my parents benefit. I let the DC take part in school churchy stuff when they were little but they are teenagers now and both atheists.

travailtotravel · 06/04/2014 13:14

What you have done absolutely right is bring her up with a set of morals, values and behaviours which (whether she wants them or not!) will positively influence her. The compass you have given her will help her make her choices in life and do the right thing for herself and other people - not not for other people at the expense of herself, IYSWIM.

She might nor might not come back to her birth faith later, but that does not matter as much as that you allow her the freedom without pressure. If you try and force the issue she will turn further and further away from you as she won't be able to separate you from the faith aspect and it could affect your relationship with her longer term.

Swipe left for the next trending thread