Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Original poster

Fourteen year old doesn't want to go to church anymore!

126 replies

Ghostsdonttalk · 06/04/2014 12:10

Apparently we are forcing our beliefs on her!

We and she are cradle catholics. I have a strong belief.

Any advice, welcome.

OP posts:
HavantGuard · 07/04/2014 18:19

I was a 'cradle' catholic. I asked to stop going at the same kind of age and was told no, so I asked when I was allowed to make my own decision. I was told at 16. I have never set foot in a church apart from (other people's) weddings and funerals since. I wanted to stop going because I didn't believe. I'm now a happy atheist.

I recommend Richard Dawkins' books Wink

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 18:19

The OP has realised this about 15 posts ago. I also think that's why she asked for advice instead of just forcing her DD to go.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 07/04/2014 18:22

Are you speaking on behalf of the OP funnyfoot? Do you know her?

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 18:23

Of course not. What a silly question to ask.

HavantGuard · 07/04/2014 18:24

It wouldn't have made any difference to me if they'd said I could stop going at 14. I felt conned by the 14 years and all the bullshit I'd had presented as fact.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 07/04/2014 18:27

"The OP has realised this about 15 posts ago." How do you know this though funnyfoot?

THe OP herself has said"
"In the meantime I have ordered some books for her to read. I will continue to invite her along on sundays and pray for her faith to return."

It seems to me that she still thinks her faith is the best road for her DD.

Viviennemary · 07/04/2014 18:31

I am a Catholic but don't go to church. Sometimes I wish I had made more of an effort with DC's. But I don't think forcing them to go does any good in the end and might even have the absolute oppositve effect than the one you intend.

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 18:32

We have had frequent conversations about what we believe and why. I have never forced her. She chose to make her confirmation. We gave her the choice.

I am pleased that she has told me. I would prefer that to going just to keep me happy.

Of course she does but she is not FORCING her to go.

The daughter has chosen to give up her faith but the OP will find it difficult to understand because she believes so deeply in it.

However there is a big difference between encouragement and saying 'the door is always open' and forcing her to attend church.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 07/04/2014 18:35

Why is it so difficult to understand that someone does not want to have faith?

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 18:40

It isn't for me but then I do not require religion in my life.

For those who do and build their life based around their religion it can be difficult to understand how someone who is brought up within the faith can suddenly turn their back on it.

Same way my vegetarian sister cannot understand why I eat meat. She cannot fathom why I would as she hates not only the taste and texture but the fact that animals die to feed my hunger when so many meat free alternatives exist.

Horses for courses. Unless you believed in something so deeply you will not understand what it feels like for others not to share your views.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 07/04/2014 18:46

You neatly illustrate the blindness of faith and how religion is intolerant. Being unable to understand why someone does not want to accept the "truth" is a dangerous position.

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 18:52

Lack of understanding is not lack of tolerance.

You appear not be able to understand why some peoples faith runs so deep it makes it hard to see past it. Does that make you intolerant?

You clearly have a deep embedded issue with religion/faith where as I do not.
I understand what it is like for both mother and daughter and I will not see either in a bad light just because of the life choices they choose to make. I view each on their own merits and respect them equally.

That is tolerance.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 07/04/2014 18:58

Not at all- people are entitled to their faith and I understand how deeply it is felt , my family are very religious. They have the right to believe what they want to.
I understand those with faith and those without.

You think I am intolerant because I cannot accept intolerance in others?

starlight1234 · 07/04/2014 19:01

At 14 you have to let her make her own choices..

At 14 she is finding who she is...She has the foundations there if she wants to go back..

I would tell her she can always come with you whenever she wants..If you ask her everyweek I would wonder if she thinks you haven't heard her.

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 19:03

Nope I asked you if your inability to understand why it is difficult for the op makes you intolerant. I never said you were.

My point this whole time was that the OP is finding it hard to accept her daughters choice but it appears from her post that she will as she is happy to know her DD is not attending church just to keep her happy. And that's ok.
The mother is not forcing her she is just finding it difficult to accept. It was you that had the issue with this not me.

MaryWestmacott · 07/04/2014 19:08

Op, if you are still reading this, another thought came to me, does your dd have any friends within the church her own age? If there are any social events or youth clubs etc run at the church for teenagers, could you have a quiet word with their parents to ask that your dd is asked to join them? If you tell her about youth activities in the church, she might refuse on the grounds her mum is asking her to go, quite different to be invited by a 3rd party to join them. The events our church run for young people aren't always religious in nature, but it might just help keep that door open that she knows people in the church family for the future if she wants to rejoin you, make it less if a big step to go back.

Delphiniumsblue · 07/04/2014 19:13

I can't see the problem, she has decided for herself. Mine decided around the age of 8 yrs. There is nothing to be done, if you force them it will definitely make them anti for life!

Delphiniumsblue · 07/04/2014 19:15

When you have a child you have no idea what you get! If they think the same as you it is pure luck.

maddy68 · 07/04/2014 19:15

Pressure from my church going parents turned me into the atheist I am today! He is old enough to make his own mind up now. Back off, just let him know if he wants to come with you at any time he'd be more than welcome.

MaryWestmacott · 07/04/2014 19:18

Atthrstroke- Christians believe that salvation comes from faith, the ops dd is turning that down, that can be hard to accept. If your dc were sick and rejected a medicine that you believed would save their life, because they didn't think it would work, you might accept it was their choice, but still be upset they were rejecting something you truly believed would save them.

The op said she won't force her dd to go to church, and seems to have accepted that nagging etc would be counter productive, doesn't mean she's not allowed to be upset.

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 19:20

Maddy please read the thread it is OP DD not DS and she has already stated she will not force her to attend church.

Delphiniumsblue · 07/04/2014 19:26

It isn't set in stone. One day she might decide to go back, she might not. You have had her attending for 14 yrs, which is pretty good going.
My father was put off by churchgoing parents. He went back when he was in his early 50s and it was his choice.
Surely OP is pleased to have a child who thinks for themselves? Would you really want a child who goes just to please you? Hmm

Delphiniumsblue · 07/04/2014 19:34

I shouldn't think she expecting you not to have a strong belief, you just don't get to choose her beliefs.

maddy68 · 07/04/2014 20:12

Sorry I misread I thought she said son! I did read the thread!

atthestrokeoftwelve · 07/04/2014 20:14

Mary but presumably christians find it easy to reject Allah, and a thousand other gods, they find that easy. They reject all gods but one. Athiests just go one step further.
If someone of the christian faith can easily reject other gods and religion it should be easy to understand and accept why some people reject their god- it is simply the same stance they are taking towards other religions.