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Original poster

Fourteen year old doesn't want to go to church anymore!

126 replies

Ghostsdonttalk · 06/04/2014 12:10

Apparently we are forcing our beliefs on her!

We and she are cradle catholics. I have a strong belief.

Any advice, welcome.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 06/04/2014 13:15

OP - sorry, I agree with the others. I did chose to go to church as a teenager, but it was my choice, and I stopped going to the service my parents did (the 10am one) and went to the evening one.

Just ask her if she wants to go. Don't make a big deal of it if she doesn't and don't guilt trip her if she choses not to. Some people's path to faith is a straight line from birth, other people's is a bit more winding, some people just step off the path altogether and no amount forcing her to go will make her believe if she doesn't.

You've given her a good grounding and understanding, she's now at the stage where she can use that knowledge to grow in her faith if she wants/is ready to.

At 14 she can stay at home if she wants. I would insist on her getting up with everyone else though, because the choice should be "does she want to practice faith or not", rather than "does she want a lie in or not" Smile

AfricanExport · 06/04/2014 13:19

Well If you are making her go to church and she does nor want to then you are forcing your beliefs on her.

As a former 'Cradle Catholic' I think you should let her make her own decisions about her beliefs. Forcing her will make her hate both you and the church.

AnnaBegins · 06/04/2014 13:22

Is there someone at your church who could have a chat with her about exploring beliefs, maybe going to try out some other churches with more people her age and which she hasn't grown up in?

Im CofE but weekends at the Peak Centre in Edale were a lifesaver for me at that age, don't think I'd have such a strong faith now without that - purely because I was able to meet up with other people my age with the same faith and to make that faith relevant.

Does your church do anything for young people? An evening discussion group? Could you start something, or does a nearby church do something?

Our church struggles with young people at this age too as they are too old for Sunday School but don't feel the actual service is relevant. They don't have to go to church on Sunday to keep their faith, an evening/Saturday group would work just as well.

Obviously don't force her to go, but it would be a shame to leave her to it entirely, as it is common to question faith at this age and with no support she will probably give up on it.

Best of luck.

overthebliddyhill · 06/04/2014 13:23

Sometimes you have to let go to keep them.

MaryWestmacott · 06/04/2014 13:30

Annabegins - good post!

Timeforabiscuit · 06/04/2014 13:50

I wanted to leave at 15, refused to be confirmed as I knew I wasn't sincere - my mothers reaction was to guilt me into going for a further year and lie to my grandparents (and herself) that I had been! She wouldn't even admit it when I asked what my confirmation name was!

That was the nail in the coffin for faith, other smaller ones included attitudes to women, contraception, homosexuality which my parish church was very live and let with with - but the church as a movement I couldn't stand as counting my support.

I may return, I find myself offering up a prayer in quiet moments but the absolute insistence on the right path infuriated me beyond reason at that age!

specialsubject · 06/04/2014 13:56

I agree that this should not a closet lie-in, she should not be stuck indoors on a day when she does not have to be; plenty of time for that in the week. If you choose to do so, up to you, but let her get some fresh air and outside time.

that is one of the things that annoyed me most about enforced religion. Apparently worship cannot be conducted in the fresh air.

Original poster
Ghostsdonttalk · 06/04/2014 14:21

Thanks for all replies. I agree with most of them.

We have had frequent conversations about what we believe and why. I have never forced her. She chose to make her confirmation. We gave her the choice.

I think the church fails young people to an extent.

That said If she has a period of discernment and comes back her faith will be stronger and better for it.

In the meantime I have ordered some books for her to read. I will continue to invite her along on sundays and pray for her faith to return.

I am pleased that she has told me. I would prefer that to going just to keep me happy.

OP posts:
LittleMissDisorganized · 06/04/2014 15:06

Have you done Bible studies or devotionals with her as she has grown up? Has she stopped wanting to do those as well?
You said the church fails young people - is there another local Christian group that she might like to go to - it doesn't need to be on a Sunday, but local to us there are various youth groups, small groups that meet in people's homes, and big youth events, all run by various different churches and the young people are often better than most adults at seeing the church as the much bigger family and not being constrained by a particular brand of church.

CPtart · 06/04/2014 15:15

You have a strong belief.
She doesnt't. You're on a hiding to nothing. Let it go.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 06/04/2014 15:37

Clever girl. We don't own our children. This is up to her to make her own decisions.

CoteDAzur · 06/04/2014 17:25

So she started to think for herself. Good for her. Some people never do.

gingerdodger · 06/04/2014 18:18

My children have both been raised as RC. To be honest they are both now dipping in and out of going to mass, I don't force it, am happy when they come. I will always hope they keep their faith but acknowledge that they will find their own way.

Your approach sounds sensible but I appreciate the sadness that that brings when you suddenly stop going to mass as a family and wish you all well.

EdithWeston · 06/04/2014 18:22

You have to trust her, and that God is with her, on her own journey through faith.

You can insist on a certain amount of attendance (as inclusive family events) at festivals. Otherwise, leave her to it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/04/2014 18:24

Do t force her to read the books - I think that would be counterproductive. If she comes to you and has questions, or wants a discussion, then fine. Otherwise back off and let her make her own choices.

I can appreciate that you might be feeling hurt or upset that she seems to be rejecting your faith (and you might be feeling that rejection personally), but if you can, please don't let her see that.

TeaAndALemonTart · 06/04/2014 18:25

I was forced.

Never been since I got older and could choose for myself.

8isalotoflegsDavid · 06/04/2014 18:28

Don't be surprised if those books you ordered get dumped under the bed and gather a lot of dust. And don't keep asking her every five minutes if she's read them.

What books did you buy her, out of interest?

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice · 06/04/2014 18:30

How can there be such a thing as a 'birth faith'? Babies don't have beliefs or faith in anything.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/04/2014 18:35

I take that to mean that the child has been brought up in that faith from birth, PostmanPat.

Slackgardener · 06/04/2014 18:41

So glad you are respecting her belief. I was forced to go to church - my mother knew I thought the whole thing was bullshit but she was convinced that making me go would encourage me back to her faith, it never did. When I was 18, I said no more....sad thing for her was that once I'd said it the rest of my siblings, older and younger and my dad refused to go too.

I can't begin to describe how good it felt to finally shed Catholicism from my life - the guilt still haunts me.

Original poster
Ghostsdonttalk · 06/04/2014 19:35

Slackgardener I am sorry it was like that for you. It is not meant to be like that.

OP posts:
Flicktheswitch · 06/04/2014 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Letsgoforawalk · 06/04/2014 19:58

I would suggest asking her about her beliefs, discussing the relevance of what religion means to her and exploring if there is something that she could do instead that would perhaps express the values you value, but does not involve 'going to church'. I'm thinking voluntary work, making soup for soup kitchen, helping with brownies or whatever might suit her skills and interests really. (those all sound horribly 'do-goody' I'm sure she could come up with something a bit more cool!)
I too loathed church at that age and would have welcomed a dialogue in which my ideas, opinions and wishes were taken seriously.

MinesAPintOfTea · 06/04/2014 20:14

You have to let her choose her own spiritual path which may not be the same as yours. It might be catholicism or another Christian faith or Buddhism or atheism and all of those are fine.

You've given her an introduction to the Catholic faith such that it is likely to always be familiar to her and that's all you have the right to do.

I would ask her to attend Easter/Christmas as a family though. That's a fairly reasonable request and helps her keep the door open.

As for books, are you near a large library? Could you manufacture a shopping/museum trip and pop in somewhere with a range of religion or spiritual books and let her choose some if she wants to, including any which promote atheism.

She needs to learn to make a choice. Especially if she's at a catholic school (my v strong r c faith, RE teacher sil thinks most catholic schools do a poor job of wider RE teaching)

Slackgardener · 06/04/2014 20:33

I wouldn't ask her to attend church as a family, I'd give her a break and respect her beliefs, don't insist in the books thing...if has he want two read them then fine but really, my whole extended family expressed horror at my exit - the prayed for my return...I felt sorry for them.

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