Fourteen year old doesn't want to go to church anymore!

[Ghostsdonttalk]

Apparently we are forcing our beliefs on her!

We and she are cradle catholics. I have a strong belief.

Any advice, welcome.

oh God. Please don't make her attend easter mass. That could put a person off mass for life.

Our easter service went on and on and on and on. It was about 3 hours long. Is it not still like that?

Please don't tell her you're praying for her.

And don't invite her to join you on Sundays either- that will feel like pressure and emotional blackmail- even if it isn't.

I was brought up going to church every week. When I left home at 18 I didn't go any longer. Then started going again to 'my own' church (ie not my parents) in my late 20s when DC1 was born.

Hopefully the same might happen with your DD. Sounds like you have handled it in the best possible way.

I have a family who prays for me that I will be released from Satan's path ( athiesm). I find it quite rude and patronising for someone to tell me they are praying for me.

I think it is lovely that she has been going to church with you up until the age of 14 - my DS stopped coming to church with me when he was about 8 - he will go to the church youth club though. I absolutely will not force him to come with me (except Christmas Day ). He must be free to make up his own mind.

My upbringing was the opposite, we never went to church as a family (except Easter & Christmas) but from my teens I made a conscious decision to attend church regularly - & still do 40 years later .

My daughter stopped going at about 14. I didn't force her. It would be completely counter-productive. I felt that I had given her an introduction to the religion and that she could choose to return in her own good time.

I don't go as often myself any more, to be honest.

I am concerned abou the buying of books for her to read. I am going to assume that they are books aimed at people having a crisis of faith and expressing doubts, to encourage them to explore their feelings and thoughts.

I am also going to assume that they are not written by atheists with an atheist agenda, but by Roman Catholics with a RC agenda. Am I right?

Your giving her these books is the exact opposite of standing back, giving her space to explore her feelings and respecting her intelligence enough to come to her own decision in her own time. You think you are supporting her, but by giving her these books you are actually subtly pressuring her and trying to brainwash her. If you really want her to spend time thinking for herself about the faith you chose for her before she was old enough to have any concept of faith, then you should take a deep breath and back off. She doesn't need to be equipped with any last minute pointers, or food for thought - if she's a confirmed 'cradle' Catholic then I am sure she is already aware of everything she needs to consider before making her mind up.

Please don't put pressure of any kind on her, and please support whatever spiritual path she may later be interested in following. (I also consider science-focused atheism as a valid spiritual path although it isn't for me).

There are, I believe, too many people who have been left stuck in spiritual limbo, unable to accept the claims of their birth faith, too guilty and scared to embrace or explore other ways. There are others who have aggressively rejected their former faith and become very "reactive" at the mention of Christianity; one former boyfriend said to me - when I suggested visiting a church - that he had fought tooth and nail to get away from Christianity and didn't want it coming through the back door.

You sound loving and sensible, hopefully whatever she ends up believing she will always maintain some affection and respect for her spiritual heritage.

"her spiritual heritage" all children are born athiests until religion is forced upon them.
She may grow up to feel very resentful at the burden of indoctrination over which she has had no choice.
I have a niece who grow up "in faith" and feels that she has been abused by that process.

I am glad you are not going to force or blackmail her into going - I told my parents at 13 I no longer believed what they did and did not want to go to church - cue over a year of screaming fights, tears (mainly from my mother), dictatorial proclamations that I would keep going until I came to my senses and wanted to keep going (Catch 22 anyone...) from my father, whinging and wheedling and begging me to go along with it "for meeeeeeeeeeeee! for the famileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" from my mother - argh, I remember it so well, 25 years on! Finally I refused to move from the pew once there, so didn't go up for communion - and my younger sisters copied me, and people started (parents are church wardens and on all the committees) - strangely the issue was suddenly dropped, at last... Though Christmas, Easter and Mothers day were still enforced using well honed emotional blackmail skills.

My mother is still waiting for me to "grow up" as apparently growing up causes people to turn into their parents and realise that they do believe what their parents believe, for no logical reason whatsoever...

I hope you can respect your daughter's beliefs as much as you want her to respect yours, and not put subtle emotional pressure on her to come back to the church unless it is genuinely her decision - and crucially accept she might never change her mind.

She is old enough to decide for herself.

You should respect her choice, making her read some books [that no doubt have an agenda] is not fully respecting her choice.

My mother was convinced I was going to hell for a while, then every time something went wrong she screamed there's no god in this house - that's why this has happened. I know many Catholics who have no belief but continue to attend church for fear something bad will happen if they don't.

Atthestrokeoftwelve - there's a lot of catholic people who view their faith as ethnicity rather than just what they believe - let's face it, the early 20th century (and sadly later in some parts of the UK) discrimination against Catholics wasn't about what that person specifically believed in relation to what the protestant person discriminating against them thought, but in terms of one dominate ethnicity against another less powerful one.

I think it was Dara O'Briain who said that he didn't believe in god, but that didn't stop him being Catholic, just made him "a bad Catholic".

We still live in a country where football clubs are viewed as having certain denominiations, even if the club itself has tried very hard to lose that label.

The OP's DD has a family history, it's rather unfair to suggest that being a minority faith in this country isn't a big part of where she's come from culturally. And the OP might feel her DD's rejection of the faith isnt just about rejecting a set of beliefs, but her family background, and that will hurt a lot more than your DCs say, deciding to vote for a different political party than you (so holding different views/supporting different ideaolgies).

At your dd's age, I didn't dare tell my parents I didn't want to go to Mass any more. So I kept going and going through the motions and then quietly stopped when I left home.

I had a kind of last go at it around the time I got married but it didn't work. I consider myself agnostic now. I do feel I retain a good set of values though. (although not necessarily the ones people generally associate with the Catholic faith tbh!)

I think you have to let her find her own way and accept that that might not involve going to church. She will be an adult very soon.

I think she's old enough to make up her own mind. I was brought up as a Catholic, and attended a Catholic school up until age 18. I have fond memories of attending church regularly however I just don't believe, so haven't attended since I left school. My family respect my choice, despite being Catholics with strong beliefs.

Marywest- I don't agree- it's the church that creates the divisions- not "ethnicity".

I live in scotland which is much more partisan than many parts of the UK and i see first hane the divisions that the church creates. I gre up living with these divisions.

Mu children go to a secondary school based at a campus facility. THere is also a RC school at the site.
High fences have been erected in the paygounds so that the children can't mix, the dining hall is shared but dividers spilt the hall in two.
Children are told not to speak to pupils from the other school, bells and start finish times are staggered so children don't clash in the street on the way home.
These are children living in the same community, often next door to each other but religion brings down a big heavy division.

To suggest this is "ethnicity" is rubbish.

I though that was an insightful post funnyfoot.

If a tad sarcastic.

Just a tad.

The OP has already stated she would not be forcing her DD to attend church.

I am not sure why the OP is asking quite honestly.

the yoke of ignorance.

I don't go any more but the church I used to attend numbered a consultant paediatrician, a science teacher and several physicists from a world-renowned science centre among its congregation. Not exactly 'ignorant' people.

att
The OP has very strong beliefs and has brought up her DD in the same way. The DD has decided that she no longer wishes to attend church. This is difficult for the OP to accept and she wanted some advice on how best to deal with it and not have it clouded by her strong beliefs and faith.

I think........

But the OP needs to realise that while her faith may be good for her, it's not for everyone. She may not even have it right. This is one of the problems about religion, that those with faith "know" that they have the truth. But adherants from different faiths feel the same way- they can't all be right- but they are so blind that the can't even see the irony or look in an objective way even when it stares them in the face.

If I had a great love for belly dancing, believing in fairies or growing vegetables, I may introduce and share it with my children but i wouldn't insist that they should love it too.

Same with religion- just because perents believe in mythical beings doesn't mean their children also have to- you may get away with it when they are young, but when they are old enough to judge for themselves how can you force belief?