Welcome to muslim tea room 2.

[defuse]

Peace to you all

Ok, well here it is again...we have moved to room 2 now

Discuss whatever aspect of islam you like my lovely sisters - this is a place for muslims and non-muslims too, to share experiences, raising kids or just having your say!

The kettle is on.... We have loads of herbal teas, coffee and guava juice .... I like guava juice so welcome!

Thanks for that Crescent. I read the link you posted and found it fascinating. In particular this bit:

'If the HEIRS agree amongst themselves to share the wealth equally amongst themselves, so that there will be no difference between the husband and the children, or between the males and females, this is permissible according to sharee’ah.'

I have never heard that before. I thought that you had to divide up the inheritance according to how it is designated in the Quran but this shows that the inheritance can be divided equally between males and females if the heirs agree to that. That is quite interesting that it is the heirs and not the person who is providing the inheritance ( dont know what they are called) as I think if it was that person then he/she could divide their wealth unfairly i.e. show preference to one child or exclude a particular child. You sometimes see people making strange decisions with regards to inheritance, passing everything on to cats and dogs . However if the heirs agree then they can make changes to how the estate is divided. Interesting.

Assalamualaikum,

I've just sort of caught up.

Fruitcake, a step parent is not compelled Islamically to care for their step child financially.

That is the responsiblity of the biological father, any money a step parent spends on their step child is a huge act of charity, any money a mother spends on her children is the same as it happens, a charitable act not compulsory.

Having said that a step mother is not compelled to care for step children, the biological father needs to sort out care and residence for his child(ren), step mothers are not compelled to become unpaid childminders for their step children.

Custody of a child islamically goes to the father on marriage of a mother, however, custody means the child sleeps at the fathers house, also the child if old enough gets a say in whom they reside with if both parents are equally suitable as main carers.
If the mother is having affairs and kicking her child out of the house, she is clearly not the best person.

The children caught up in this maelstrom are the ones who have suffered massively in this.

I think sis you really need family therapy, or at least therapy yourself to heal from your own trauma and start seeing things in perspective.

I'm sorry ot say, your husband sounds weak and useless and honestly and personally, I would not will my house to him. That would go to my children only. I am not speaking idly here, I'm divorced and my beneficiaries are my children, a husband if one comes along will manage just fine as he no doubt is doing currently whilst not married to me!

Either go to your GP and ask for help you do sound depressed to me, but then who wouldn't be with having coped with so much? Or look up Islamic counselling, some masjids offer marital counselling, I think your marriage would benefit from it.

as an aside, I do tihnk that in cases of second marriages especially, it is imperative one thinks out the nikah contract properly. And discusses issue of custody or children and maintenance of them, basically everythign but everything has to be utterly watertight. Can you tell I have given this a little consideration!

Also a step father becomes mahram to his wifes children, you cannot marry a man who has had intercourse with your mother and a male cannot marry a woman who has had intercourse with his father.

honestly sis fruitcake, what I see reading thro your posts is a husband who has failed to fulfil his duties towards his own child, and to you.

Stop being angry at his daughter start thinking about his behaviour.

Salaam sis fruitcake

Yes, the ball is very much in your court! Your focus is on the SD and her mother - they are not important anymore. Change your focus onto your children. You know what you want to do - spend more time with them. Now do that. If it means that your husband will act cold, well so be it.

Your children have been supportive and considerate to you and your DH. Has anyone been considerate and supportive of their needs? Your DH is fulfilling his role as a father - yet not allowing you to fulfil yours as a mother.

Your DH has really looked out for his daughter - i admire that, but he does not support you looking out for your children. The past has shown that after he sulks, you give in. You are allowing him to continue the way he always has. You can regain control of the situation. Your SD and ex are irrelevant. The relationship between SD and dad seems good. Thats wonderful. Your DH has not allowed you to get in the way of his relationship with his SD. ( It might be difficult for you to hear that, but that is a good thing on his part ). You have unfortunately however, allowed him to get in the way of your relationship with your children.

Take control now. Assess what you want from your life. You can continue like this or you can take control of the situation. Remember to put Allah and His commands at the forefront of every decision and that will guide you so that you don't let any negative emotions cloud your judgment inshallah.

Do istikhara and make dua to Allah, then anything that happens, you will be doing while putting your trust in Allah. He will guide you.

Just to add, if your DH remains unsupportive, do not suffer in silence. Keep posting in here. The sisters will try to support you through it inshallah.

I agree with fuzzy that some counselling may benefit you too and may help in re-gaining clarity.

Salaam fruitcake and welcome to the tearoom.

I'll be honest I haven't read all of your posts in full, but I've read enough to get an idea of what's been going on. And I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

The only thing that jumps out at me is there seems to be a lot of emphasis based around your step daughter. I think you need to let this go, it looks as if your husband is in the wrong here and he's the one creating all these problems and not her. Whether his daughter is 2 or 22 she will always be his little girl and maybe he's torn between the two of you.

You need to concentrate on yourself and your children, put yours and theirs needs first. What do you want? Do you want to still be in a marriage with this man?

I third what sis fuzzy said about some therapy or counselling, maybe visit your gp and see what they advise.

I don't have much to add, I'm normally the one on the receiving end of the excellent advice from the sisters on here, they really are wonderful and they know what they're talking about.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you stay around on here, keep posting about how you feel, it will help just to get it out of your system. Your posts come across as if you've been bottling this up for a long time. Good luck sister

Jumma Mubarak everyone.

I was so close to posting on another thread that has popped up recently, it was one particular post that really annoyed me full of sarcasm, ignorance, bigotry and stinking of islamophobia . It wasnt going to be constructive though, so I thought it is better to ignore and not engage.

Our Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him speak good or else keep silent.” (Al-Bukhaar and Muslim). Avoid making unnecessary personal remarks.

Admittedly, i find it so hard to do this, especially when i find people being ignorant and bigoted. . It makes me want to use language similar to what they are using, fired right back at them

But it is clear what Quran says:
And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace (Surah Furqan 25:63)

I know that i am struggling to say words of peace to them, so the best thing for me to do is:

... and turn away from the ignorant. (Surah A’raf 7:199)

I hope i can keep my self-control to do this though. I am not very good with self-control.

Salams all

Hope you had a good Saturday. I have just managed to put my feet up now after a long day at the Willow Brook Farm. It was AMAZING, my son and strangely enough my husband really enjoyed it too. Lost where you there? I wasnt expecting so many people to be there so I was hoping it would be easy for me to work out who you were and then slide over and ask 'Are you Lost?' . When I got there and saw how many people came I was kicking myself that we didnt come up with some secret way to identify each other like wearing the mumsnet scarf or something . Very good turnout from all over the place and very well organised. If you want to take your kids on a farm visit and you live in the South East I would definitely recommend. The weather was lovely today but also made us more tired because we were out in the heat from about midday to 4.00pm. My son got to hold a baby chick, feed a goat, pet a rooster, chase some sheep, stroke a pony and hang out with a turkey, some hens and a gaggle of goslings. It was such an eye opener seeing how a farm works and I really appreciated how much effort they put in to taking care of their animals. Definitely made me think about switching to organic meat even if it means I eat less. I recently heard this that Ali (RA) discouraging the eating of too much meat advising people: “Don’t let your stomach become a graveyard for animals” and “Eating meat excessively will harden your heart”. It made me think about how much meat I actually eat and I was embarrassed to realise that I eat it almost every day. I think that is definitely an over indulgence and unhealthy so I think I will definitely have to cut back though Ramadan is going to be a huge temptation. Has anyone started ordering their decorations. Im waiting till the end of the month and then I will be on it.

Wow, that farm sounds amazing peaceful . I would love to go organic halal too. Was such a beautiful day today, but i didnt manage to venture out. Must make the most of tomorrow - lets hope tomorrow is a hot sunny day too.

Bedtime for me now.

Goodnight all.

Yes I was there peaceful . It looked amazing, we got there for 11 but unfortunately had to leave at 1 as my friend got a call to say her father in law had passed away . We did half the tour at 11.30 but had to turn back. The lovely lady who ran the produce shop let us go in and purchase some goodies before we left. I think you would've recognised me if you saw me, white, wearing inappropriate farm attire maxi skirt with flip flops and I had all 3 kids with me. We did manage to have a burger from the bbq which was delicious! I did have a scan around to see if I could recognise you, but there were lots of couples with a ds around your age so I didn't want to slide up to someone incase it wasn't you!

I'm glad you had a good day peaceful, the weather was perfect. I'm going to go back when they next do an open day as the kids were disappointed they had to leave and it really made me think about the way in which the meat we eat is reared.

Aww Lost sorry to hear about your friend and you having to leave early. I think I arrived around 12.30 - 1ish so we must have just missed eachother. I dont think it would have been that easy to spot you as there were quite a few white reverts that I saw there and lots of people were inappropriately dressed for a day at the farm including me. Lucky it was dry and hot though. There was one sister who I thought was you as she had two young girls with her but then a little boy of about 5 popped up from nowhere who promptly got a telling off for disappearing and not staying with his sisters. It was a lovely day though. I really enjoy events like this where there is a lot of diversity not just in the ethnic make up of the families but also in the religious observance. There were niqabis and brothers with big beards all the way through to sisters in shalwar kameez and brothers in traditional dress to sisters with no hijab and fashion conscious younger men. I think people at these sorts of events are a lot more friendly and tolerant towards others with different opinions to themselves.

I agree Lost it did make me think about how animals are reared. On the drive back I was thinking about how different life must be for the animals who are reared in battery farms or more industrialised/commercial places. They are born in to a life of misery then are killed prematurely so we can eat them. It is enough to make you want to become vegetarian. However I dont believe that being completely vegetarian/vegan is entirely natural either in that our bodies are designed to need protein and the best source of that is from animal produce. Anyway that is a much bigger topic I guess.

Im thinking about going to Living Islam now Crescent but Im worried about camping out with a toddler plus I hate camping and sleeping on the ground. Do they have hotels nearby?

Ah it's a shame we didn't bump into each other. And no that definitely wasn't me! Ds loved the chickens, he's not scared of anything unlike his sisters who are scared of ants! You're right though there was a huge mix of ethnicities there alhamdullilah. It was starting to get busy just as we were leaving. I only saw two other white reverts, one of them my friend said looked like me! It was much busier than I thought, I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for their next event.

I was talking to a niqabi in the coffee shop, it's the first time I've ever spoken to one . She had the most beautiful baby boy mashallah. He was smiling and getting all shy when I smiled back.

Did you buy any of the produce? It's expensive, but I'm starting to think it's worth it.

I love the way everyone on this thread is seriously considering going organic (me too ). It just feels better doesnt it, to be eating as crescent puts it " vegetarian animals".

As for Ali (ra), i use radiallah anhu for sahabahs/4 khalifahs and aleyhissalaam for prophets including maryam (as) (Mary, mother of Jesus).

I think there's a method to this titles, AS are for Prophets, SAW is only for the Beloved Prophet (SAW) and RA is for the Sahabah.

I eat HMC, I'm actually trying to eat less meat to be honest, I think, but I love lamb!
I wish halal organic meat was more readily available tho, will definitely look into it inshallah.

As it's just my girls and me I think it could be doable for us inshallah.