I wasn't going to post this, but maybe inshallah it will give you all a little hope.
I’ve been going thro a very lengthy custody battle with ex for my girls.
It’s been five and a half years which at times have felt like my entire life. Certainly my girls have grown up knowing nothing different, my youngest can’t remember a time before court cases and being forced to go see her father every other weekend regardless of her feelings on the matter.
Over the years, the few people who are privy to my personal life keep telling me that I’m so strong, that I must have so much iman, like I’m so special and different.
I am not.
I have had times where I want to throw things and kick and scream and cry, but I can’t, I’d only end up paying for the things I damage and give myself a headache into the bargain.
I have wanted to throw in the towel and walk away, but I couldn’t, how could I abandon my girls to a life of certain cruelty and utter fear devoid of all iman?
I have felt so angry that Allah won’t listen to me, I have come close to ceasing all prayer, but I couldn’t, what kind of example is that for my girls?
Right thro my ordeal I’ve had a close friend who I always turn to when things got bad, I’d pray and then call her and cry to her. A few months back I decided that I wouldn’t do that anymore, there is no one before or after Allah, for me there is just Allah.
On Friday I had what felt like a massive set back, I felt so sad, I had been so hoping it would go well, it would have been an omen for me that everything would go well for the court hearings the following week, then I stopped and thought no, I’m going to rely on Allah and each time I felt sad I just made duas, Oh Allah I am so sad, ease my path for me,
Fa inna ma al usre yusra
Inna ma al usre yusra
“Then indeed with every difficulty there is ease, indeed with every difficulty there is ease”
The night before my court case, I got up for tahajjud and decided to fast, I sat on my prayer mat, and I just spoke to Allah as I would to my friend. “Allah I am so alone, I am so angry at my weakenss and my inability and my nothingness, I can’t protect your amanah, you are our Wali protect us.”
It is so tough making duas when you feel there is no end in sight, I told Allah that I did not know if he was displeased with me and he did not like my duas, or whether he liked my duas and my ibadah and was waiting a while to answer me because he wanted me to continue to ask of him, or whether I was making the wrong duas.
I have been so convinced for so long that I have displeased Allah that I spend a lot of time making istighfar, I told Allah the night before my court case that I would not stop making istighfar and when we meet I will still make istighfar regardless of whether it is considered too late, I have only known Allah as ar Rahman, ar Raheem and unless he turns my heart away I will keep pleading for forgiveness till he forgives me, at some point his mercy has to overcome his displeasure because he has promised it will.
On Monday, the children’s custody hearing commenced. Ex lied and lied and lied some more, I was sitting silently and I had a massive knot in my chest, I just made duas, I asked Allah to be my judge, I asked Allah to protect his amanah, I asked Allah to strengthen my heart for whatever the verdict would be.
Then before going to the witness stand to be cross examined I made the dua that Musa (AS) made before speaking to Pharoah
rabbi ishrah lee sadree (20:25)
Wayassir lee amree (20:26)
Waohlul AAuqdatan min lisanee (20:27)
Yafqahoo qawlee (20:28)
"O my Lord! Open for me my chest (grant me self-confidence, contentment, and boldness).
"And ease my task for me;
"And make loose the knot (the defect) from my tongue, (i.e. remove the incorrectness from my speech)
"That they understand my speech,” Al-Qur'an, 20:025-20:28 (Ta Ha )
I then simply told the truth.
Today we got the judgment, the judge spent two hours, going thro every single point, she had clearly read both massive files of statements and judgments of the five year long case. She had taken into consideration the expert witness statements of the child protection officer representing my girls and the domestic violence intervention programme administrator who had collated data from ex’s attempt at completing a rehabilitation programme, the judge made the most comprehensive judgment I’ve ever heard.
At one point during ex’s cross examination, the judge had noted that ex had told a rehabilitation programme officer that he (ex) had during the marriage criticised me for dressing immodestly. I didn’t bother addressing this issue during my cross examination as it was irrelevant as far as I was concerned with regards the matter of children’s custody. However, it has always caused me a great deal of hurt having my character assassinated by ex like that.
The judge in her summation, said, ‘I found the mother to be a quietly spoken, and modestly dressed Muslim woman who observes hijab..’ I was frankly speechless as this was not necessary for her to put on record but she did, she compared her observations to ex’s accusations, in effect completely refuting ex’s accusations against me.
The entire judgement was like this, everything I had ever complained to Allah over the years in private things I had not addressed yesterday in court, the judge put them in her judgement (she had literally read every single piece of evidence in the two massive trial bundles), she found me to be truthful, she found that I had done everything possible to facilitate contact despite the hardship to me and I showed no bitterness for doing so, she found me to have single handedly bought up my girls very well with no help… It went on....
There have been times when I have been overwhelmed by feelings of hardship, and I’ve tried very hard to remember the patience of Ayoub (AS), his dua has become my bedtime tasbeeh
annee massaniya alddurru waanta arhamu alrrahimeena (21:83)
"Verily, distress has seized me, and You are the Most Merciful of all those who show mercy."
Al-Qur'an, 21:83 (Al-Anbiya [The Prophets])
A week ago I prayed to Allah that I did not have the patience of Ayoub (AS), I begged not to be tested as he had and then I just felt so sad and told Allah that his Prophet’s at least they had the solace of revelation.
Today felt like Allah sent me solace directly.
I’m not worthy of praise, I’m not even sure how on earth I have managed to get this far thro life, everything in my life is Allah’s mercy.
You know when you feel despair and want to stop making duas and stop praying, I’ve literally wanted not to pray salat in defiance, but that was when I most needed Allah, the relief of sujood during those times is indescribable.
I’ve spent the last five years of my life in almost constant istighfar, I’ve learnt duas and duas and duas of so many Prophets (AS), I’ve prayed salat at beginning times regardless, I’ve discovered the best times for nafl fasts and attempted to keep them, I’ve discovered ways to please Allah and I have tried so hard to do them constantly, I’ve watched lectures on youtube to be better, I have begged and pleaded with Allah and turned to him because there is none beside him for me literally.
I’m not the best of people, I am not remarkable, I just have no hope but Allah.
My girls are delighted that Allah has answered our duas, Fatima has taken it very personally, “Allah answered my duas didn’t he mummy?” she asked me today, I told her yes he had indeed.
Jazakallah khair for all your duas.
I’m convinced it’s duas that have helped us.
A life time in thankfulness would not be enough for today. When Allah’s mercy descends there’s no reply really there isn’t.