Friend seems consumed by adopted dog and our friendship has changed

[Kitcatnine]

My problem is that my friend is obsessed with the dog she adopted.I now hate the dog because she NEVER stops talking about it. That is unfair to the dog (for me to hate it because it isn't really the dog's fault), but she adopted a shelter dog (which is great) and then proceeded to pour every ounce of herself into that dog. It's like the world revolves around the dog and I definitely have taken a back seat to it. Or, perhaps I'm not even in the picture at all. Hey, I get it, shelter dog and all, so she's concerned about it, but she seems to have completely thrown me over for a dog! She keeps cancelling get togethers because of the dog, staying in because of the dog, talking about the dog (texting mostly) CONSTANTLY, talking about the foster parents who had the dog before she adopted it, and frankly, I am on the verge of telling her "Look, I'm glad you adore your dog and that you rescued him, but now it seems that your entire life revolves around him." There's no let up. If she does text at all, it's about - her dog! Every conversation goes back to - the dog, at least on her end of things. In addition, she has become quite chummy with the foster parents of this dog and again, has broken many get togethers, promises and a lot more where I am concerned. She isn't remotely interested in anything I might have to tell her unless it concerns her dog! If I have something interesting to say or even a bit of news, it's met with silence unless of course I ask about - her dog! Maybe it's her way of letting me know she doesn't want to be friends any more but after many years as friends, I am rather insulted at being thrown over for - a dog! I don't know if this is a pattern with her when it comes to other people or just me. I just think that while pets are great (I have them too), I believe they can take over your life if you allow that to happen. I don't think it's healthy. Pets are great but they shouldn't dominate your life.

That dogs seems to take up quite a lot of your mind too....

Try

Hey friend I’m so happy you love your new dog and that he has a great home. But I’ve been feeling really disconnected from you lately. I miss our time together and it feels like we only ever talk about the dog or cancel plans because of him. Our friendship is really important to me and I want to make sure we still have space for each other in our lives. Can we set up a time to hang out just us to catch up on everything else going on?

Love XXX

If she doesn't make room for it's not worth it.

Is she struggling with her mental health ATM?
Maybe the dog is healing something inside her right now and she's just happy.
Have her kids grown up and left home or the dog maybe "needs her love"

I mean it will come across a bit daft telling her basically you're jealous of a dog 🤣

I take it your not a dog owner.

Dogs are all consuming, especially if they’re new to the house. They need care 24/7 especially at the beginning. If they have separation anxiety, they can’t be left alone for long.

The dog sounds like a bit of a baby substitute, and you're never going to compete with that.
Either get on board, goo and coo over the dog, arrange dog friendly meet ups and arrive with treats for the dog, or take a step back and leave her to it.

It's like the world revolves around the dog

Her world revolves around the dog. But it doesn’t mean yours has to.

How long ago did she adopt it?

Acknowledge the dog, but then try and steer texts and conversations onto different topics and stuff you’d normally talk about.

I’m sure the novelty will wear off. It’s a big change and commitment for her right now, but there will be a point she’ll stop having so much to say about it. She’ll go stir crazy if she stays inside 24/7 just because she doesn’t want to leave the dog alone for a few hours.

How long has she actually had the dog?

Adopting a dog is no joke. It takes, minimum, three months for the dog to settle properly. So you're pretty much chained to them 24/7 unless you want to risk serious behavioural issues and/or a destroyed house.

Just do it in a good humoured way ' OK, enough dog chat, how is....' or 'You get 20 mins dog chat and that's it!' It might also help if you immediately ask about the dog when you meet including for recent cute pics. Ask about any recent dog issues they''d been having so she knows you care.

If that doesn't work, be honest.

Aww she's in love ! with her ( new ) dog. Dogs are / can be time consuming, she's trying to do her best for her dog. I guess it's early days yet.

Dog is going to be a big part now of her life for ( hopefully ) many years.

What type of dog is s/he, and how old.

Maybe one day she will adopt a companion for him/her ? dogs are pack animals and many do like a ' friend ' tho of course many are equally happy as only dogs.

Says me with a little pack of 3.

Do you have other friends, and how old are both of you ?

I have a dog and love him but damn, I would never bore anyone with dog tales. People who do are tiresome and I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for them. There’s a funny chap on TikTok who pokes gentle fun at those people who have their lives revolve around their pet “cos of the dog”. Worth a watch.

You’re jealous of a dog. Get a grip.

Your issue isn’t that she talks about her dog a lot, it is - as you revealingly said, that ‘you have taken a back seat to it’.

Well, of course you have. You’re an adult human being with your own life and she’s your friend, not your mum. Obviously the dog is going to be her priority because she is entirely responsible for caring for it.

This. And because you're at home with the dog and focussing so much on the dog, you don't have much else to talk about. It won't always be like this but I would expect it to be at least 6 months before she gets back anything like the freedom she had before.

How long has she had the dog?

People do get a bit over-engaged with new pets. It would be fine to tell her that you don't want conversations between the two of you to be dominated by dog talk.

What is less fine, I think, is your jealousy around the fact that her doggy life leaves a bit less time/interest for her life with you. People are allowed to have evolving priorities, and if she wants to spend less time with you that's a legit choice. Friendships change.

I understand where you’re coming from and I think she’s treating you pretty poorly. I don’t think there’s much excuse for cancelling meetings with you, not listening to you, only having one topic of conversation and expecting you to fall in with it. Most people wouldn’t be this obtuse.

Last year, I was on a phone call with a guy from a dating site and the whole phonecall was punctuated with him ‘dealing’ with his dog and, every few minutes, shouting VERY LOUDLY to it (right in my ear). No thanks.

There are plenty of dog owners who can manage to behave well. I’d start backing away from this one because she sounds besotted (that’s ok) but totally oblivious to you (and that’s not). You don’t have to put up with any treatment you don’t like.

I do love dogs by the way….

You’re jealous of a dog. Get a grip.

This.

She isn’t jealous! She’s pissed off about all the dog chat! It would drive me bonkers too and I have two of the little shitheads! (Not really, I love them……sometimes)

People are often consumed by things that are important to them: dogs, babies, weightloss, weddings.

She’ll calm down eventually. I’d back quietly away and concentrate on other friends meantime.

Anyone who gets obsessed with any single item, animal, vegetable or mineral is quite tiresome. I find people who are obsessive about their children or animals to the exclusivity of every other single thing tend to be lacking other stuff in their lives. They live through them.

It’s fine that the dog is her priority as it relies on her but if that’s all she talks about it would be tedious. Try and steer the conversation away from the dog and see how you get on. I suppose overall it’s how much you value this relationship.

I have two lots of friends who have both adopted dogs since they have retired, no mention of dogs before ever . They wouldn’t have had the time before to be fair to them. I have joked to DH it’s because they are bored and hate their husbands so need to focus on something else.

It's the same when someone has a baby. I think most of the time they don't realise they're doing it, but it really is the biggest bore to everyone else. Ditto with new grandparents. Just endless talk about their new grandchild with the conversation shifted to grandchildren no matter how hard you try. And endless photos shoved in your face too.

I don’t know about this. In my experience this tends to come from something deeper. Some people just have a bit more of an anxious or obsessive temperament.

The same people I know who had a really hard adjustment to having babies also had a really difficult adjustment to having a dog.

The people who were pretty chilled out temperamentally seemed to have an easier start with both. Of course the temperament of the dog and babies played a part but the parent or owner set the tone.

Ooh, this is a bit ungenerous of you. It’s a huge event in her life, and if I were you I’d respect that and wait it out.

if you say anything that reveals you don’t understand or sympathise, it will never ever be forgotten.

She is jealous. She literally says It's like the world revolves around the dog and I definitely have taken a back seat to it. The second half of that sentence is the giveaway. She also says she's annoyed because the friend 'stays in because of the dog'. She is resenting the time that the friend spends with the dog because that is time the friend isn't spending with her. It's definitely jealousy here. She wants all her friend's attention and time and now she isn't getting it.

She had a new animal to take care off that needs love, care and training. If it’s only been a month of two I’d accept that this is (rightly) where her priorities are for now. It is likely to settle once she and dog gets into a routine.

Is she neurodivergent?
Sounds a bit ADHD / autistic to me.