Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pets

Join our community on the Pet forum to discuss anything related to pets.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

We don't know what to do anymore

79 replies

FebruaryJuly · 19/04/2021 08:23

I really don't want negative comments as I know they are so easy to make towards this type of situation and I was always somebody who would look down on people who said these types of things before we were in the situation ourselves.

We have a gorgeous 11 month old frenchie and have had him since he was 8 weeks old. We got him from our friend's litter. He is well trained and so good, we couldn't ask for a better tempered dog, especially with him still being young!

For a long time now, we (mainly husband) have got to breaking points with whether he is right for us or not. My breaking points have been not really to do with our dog himself, as I can deal with what he comes with, but seeing how depressed my husband is getting constantly.

Since we got him, he has told himself that he is being stupid and will get over the things that are stressing him, but each time, his mental health hits back at him worse. He has fairly bad OCD with how messy things are and having things in the right place. He can't bring himself to deal with the malting and getting hairs on his legs. Also, the smell of the dog, the poos, the odd accident that the dog has in the car and how bad his back gets when walking him due to how strong our dog is.

We have been back to this point about 5 times now and pushed it behind us saying things will get better, but my husbands mental health is only getting worse.

Our dog had a gorgeous relationship with our 5 year old, they are always playing together and our son would be distraught if we decided to find him a new home. I am worried about how much more stressed and depressed my husband is going to feel when our second baby arrives next month, with the general tiredness that comes with a baby as well.

This is coming between our relationship and I am starting to feel depressed because of how distant we are becoming as a couple because of my husbands issues with him. We are usually a very close family and I would never want anything to pull us apart. My husband has never suffered with mental health issues, it has always been me, he has always been good at keeping on top of his OCD, but the last year has tipped him over the edge and he also feels constant guilt for it.

We really don't know what to do and I know what people will be thinking

OP posts:

MrsPnut · 19/04/2021 08:27

I can’t help with your husband’s mental health but I would advise him to see his GP. It can’t be a happy time for anyone in your home right now.
If you do decide to rehome your dog then please use a rescue to do so, FLOOF and Phoenix are both great French Bulldog charities and they really understand the breed.

NutellaEllaElla · 19/04/2021 08:30

You don't know what to do anymore - what have you tried? Therapy at least, right?

itwa · 19/04/2021 08:30

I think your dh needs to get additional help with his OCD and MH before you rehome your dog.

picklemewalnuts · 19/04/2021 08:33

Agree, two ways to tackle this. Your DH works on his mental health, talking to the GP and taking all the advice and treatment offered.

You work on minimising the impact of the dog. Keep it clean and clean up after it.

It's not fair on your dog or your child to miss any opportunity to work through this.

ivfbeenbusy · 19/04/2021 08:38

I think you need to rehome your husband as he sounds like an overgrown man child moaning on about the mess and his back because a FRENCHIE is too strong for him 🤷‍♀️ (I had to re read your thread to double check you didn't get a mastiff!)

NutellaEllaElla · 19/04/2021 08:42

Actually, exposure and response prevention is the first line of treatment for OCD so don't feel the need to clean so much it's as if the dog isn't there.

Stickytreacle · 19/04/2021 08:43

With a new baby on the way I don't think your home will be the right one for dog ownership. The issues that he has with the dog (hairs, smell, poos, etc) are always going to be there, add in the stress and work of a new baby and it's going to be even worse.
I do think the kindest thing would be to rehome the dog carefully and be aware that any future dog will bring the same issues.

TeaAddict235 · 19/04/2021 08:49

I had a similar situation: Depression and extreme endings in DH's family. The dog exacerbated this, and for DH's mental health, we rehomed the dog. My DH's MH is of greater importance than the dog. The children will understand in the future. But better than a DH standing in the woods crying alone with a dog. Your DH has to come first, he is your supporter in order to raise your son.

UhtredRagnarson · 19/04/2021 08:53

A french or is strong enough to hurt your husbands back when walking??

Well that’s easily solved by teaching your dog how to walk without pulling. That’s a very obvious and easy one to fix. Why hasn’t that been done?

Moonface123 · 19/04/2021 09:04

Let's just be honest here, neither of you had a clue what you were taking on.
Now the re homing centres are on their knees trying to keep up because of poor chioces.
So how on earth doesr hubby deal with children's mess ?
I have heard so many lame excuses, take full responsibility, it's not what you thought it would be, as in effort and hard work.
The dog deserves a lot better.

denverRegina · 19/04/2021 09:25

A frenchie is putting his back out? And it's messier than your kid? You both can't cope with this but are about to have another baby?

Or, you got the dog as a bit of lockdown fun like every other idiot seemed to and now you can't be arsed with the commitment?

Luckingfovely · 19/04/2021 09:34

Sadly, there isn't much positive to say about this situation that you have got yourself into, and the dog is the victim here.

Your DH needs to deal with his MH issues as a priority, as the dog seems to be the scapegoat for all of his problems.

His reaction to the situation is extreme - and nonsensical in terms of a Frenchie puppy putting his back out.

What are you going to do if he has the same problem with the next child?

He needs to take responsibility and get help for his problems, ASAP.

Original poster

FebruaryJuly · 19/04/2021 10:43

Can I please just say, he is a 20kg Frenchie, vets have even questioned if he is full Frenchie due to his size, although all of this siblings are much smaller.

He is extremely strong and we started training with him last month for walking. My husband's back is in poor health as it is from a recent accident so I find it very unfair for people to be calling him all sorts for moaning about his back in walks with our dog.

We don't want to re-home him. That's why we just don't know what to do. We aren't taking this decision lightly. We love him and want to keep him but it is all causing so much bad mental health within our household family.

For those of you laughing that our dog makes more mess than our child, of course our dog makes more mess than our child. Our child actually makes no more mess than we do ourselves.

I came here looking for support, not for people to slate us. We had wanted a dog for years, it wasn't just a last minute lock down decision.

I have grown up with dogs and my husband has grown up with dogs around him but not with a dog in his home until now. It is different for him than he thought it was going to be and his mental health means a lot to us.

In a time when mental health is supposed to be something that is always supported. I think a lot of you are being very unkind.

IF we do end up re-homing the dog, we will ONLY re-home to somebody who we know so that we still hear about him as we would never want him to go to someone who we didn't know at all.

It's not about "growing up" when there is a mental health issue. I think you need to open your mind a little and understand that mental health is a serious thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

FebruaryJuly · 19/04/2021 10:44

When I say started training him last month for walking, before anyone gets on my back, I mean with a professional dog trainer, of course we have been training him ourselves until then.

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 19/04/2021 10:44

Can I please just say, he is a 20kg Frenchie, vets have even questioned if he is full Frenchie due to his size, although all of this siblings are much smaller.

OP how can people know this information before you shared it?

Original poster

FebruaryJuly · 19/04/2021 10:45

Well I wasn't expecting the backlash of what I did get so didn't know until I read the comments that it was necessary to include that information.

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 19/04/2021 10:50

Yes and likewise- people who didn’t know that information weren’t being unfair to think it strange that a little frenchie was causing back problems in an adult man.

Original poster

FebruaryJuly · 19/04/2021 10:51

Well you know now.

OP posts:

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 19/04/2021 10:53

Talk about a drip feed

Rehome the poor dog. You are both hard work.

nancywhitehead · 19/04/2021 10:54

Tbh it feels like you made the decision to rehome the dog before you started the thread and are looking for justification.

If you want to rehome the dog then rehome the dog. You don't have to justify it to anyone.

If you want to keep it then it is going to take some effort to make the situation tolerable. Sounds like the main issue is that the dog is setting off your husband's OCD around cleanliness, so steps to take with that are a) Talk to your husband about what he/ you both need to do to keep the place clean, b) Your husband could get some therapy or help with his OCD as there is likely to be something underlying this - it's not normal to get SO stressed about a bit of dog hair/ mess, c) make sure you sort the situation out before baby comes along, because yes that's going to add more pressure and obviously the humans in your family need to be prioritised over the dog.

UhtredRagnarson · 19/04/2021 10:55

@FebruaryJuly

Well you know now.

Irrelevant- you were having a go at people for reacting the information you gave, when there was more context to be given that you held back.

Bluntness100 · 19/04/2021 10:59

I am not sure he’s a frenchie, they wouldn’t reach that size, not without being so obese they can hardly walk, so when you said frenchie clearly people were going to imagine a french bulldog, not a cross with someone much larger.

I think if your husband can’t cope then rehoming the dog sadly is necessary but he needs to seek help, he is very ill and the dog is not the issue his mental health is.

Whatamess666 · 19/04/2021 11:05

Oh I'd have him in an instant as would many loving owners. Please think what's right for the pup.

waitingonmykitten · 19/04/2021 11:13

Before I even finished the first paragraph, I guessed you would be pregnant. Always the case with these threads. Sorry to be harsh but I think you're using your husband's mental health as an excuse. If his ocd is really that unmanageable then he needs treatment (if he's not already getting it.) I think it's probably best to rehome the dog now, as I suspect it would end up being rehomed in the future anyway.

Notonthestairs · 19/04/2021 11:14

You don't mention whether your DH is getting any help with his OCD - I think getting GP and MH services involved must be first on his to-do list.

Personally I'd want to get help for the OCD first and then decide about your dog. However as you are giving birth soon I'm not sure you have the time to get these things in place and realistically you are going to need to focus on your baby.

I grew up with dogs and a parent with OCD. The other parent needed to take full responsibility for the dog to minimise friction/flare ups - you are not going to have the time to do that.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread