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Original poster

We don't know what to do anymore

79 replies

FebruaryJuly · 19/04/2021 08:23

I really don't want negative comments as I know they are so easy to make towards this type of situation and I was always somebody who would look down on people who said these types of things before we were in the situation ourselves.

We have a gorgeous 11 month old frenchie and have had him since he was 8 weeks old. We got him from our friend's litter. He is well trained and so good, we couldn't ask for a better tempered dog, especially with him still being young!

For a long time now, we (mainly husband) have got to breaking points with whether he is right for us or not. My breaking points have been not really to do with our dog himself, as I can deal with what he comes with, but seeing how depressed my husband is getting constantly.

Since we got him, he has told himself that he is being stupid and will get over the things that are stressing him, but each time, his mental health hits back at him worse. He has fairly bad OCD with how messy things are and having things in the right place. He can't bring himself to deal with the malting and getting hairs on his legs. Also, the smell of the dog, the poos, the odd accident that the dog has in the car and how bad his back gets when walking him due to how strong our dog is.

We have been back to this point about 5 times now and pushed it behind us saying things will get better, but my husbands mental health is only getting worse.

Our dog had a gorgeous relationship with our 5 year old, they are always playing together and our son would be distraught if we decided to find him a new home. I am worried about how much more stressed and depressed my husband is going to feel when our second baby arrives next month, with the general tiredness that comes with a baby as well.

This is coming between our relationship and I am starting to feel depressed because of how distant we are becoming as a couple because of my husbands issues with him. We are usually a very close family and I would never want anything to pull us apart. My husband has never suffered with mental health issues, it has always been me, he has always been good at keeping on top of his OCD, but the last year has tipped him over the edge and he also feels constant guilt for it.

We really don't know what to do and I know what people will be thinking Sad

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/04/2021 14:13

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

Mumsnet is really the wrong place to come to for balanced advise about anything dog related. The dog must always, always come first here. Regardless of what impact its having.
Um you know if you’d read the thread first and saw mutipke people saying rehome you’d not have written this right?
Wolfiefan · 19/04/2021 14:16

Just a thought. Would daily grooming of the dog (outside!) help with the hair?

Bluntness100 · 19/04/2021 14:17

I find it extremely rude for people to be questioning whether or not we will cope with a baby (second baby at that). We have coped extremely well so far with our first and that's one of the things that I have always felt more proud than anything else of

Op you specifically said your husband has never suffered from mental health issues before, and this is new. Of course people will ask about how he will cope with a baby, as currently he’s very unwell indeed. That’s very different to a mentally well person having a baby. No one is being rude, it’s simply he’s already in a very bad place and in desperate need of medical help. A baby is difficult at the best of times, putting a new born in with someone very ill is always unpredictable. And it’s something to give thought to in terms of his ability to cope.

Original poster
FebruaryJuly · 19/04/2021 14:22

@Bluntness100 which is why, with the dog, he feels he won't cope. This is why we are having to consider re-homing. He struggles when he is around the dog, take the dog out of the picture (if we are out of the house for a little bit for example) and he is like a different person. As soon as we are back with the dog, his stress levels jump through the roof.

OP posts:
Original poster
FebruaryJuly · 19/04/2021 14:22

With or without a baby, he can't cope being in our house with the dog. That's the simplest way I can put it.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 19/04/2021 14:32

If the dog moulting and dog hair is the main trigger have you tried taking the dog to a groomer and having him clipped really short . We have a patterdale x and I have him ‘shaved’ and bathed every 4 weeks , I do it mainly because it’s easier to keep him clean when he’s running about and rolling in crap because he sleeps on the beds but it does make a massive difference to the amount of moulting we get .

picklemewalnuts · 19/04/2021 14:43

Have you tried vacuuming the dog? Some dogs enjoy it, and if your DH were in charge of daily vacuuming him, it may help him feel more in control of his anxieties.

Unfortunately this has been a rubbish year for mental health. It's a shame.

SeventyEleven · 19/04/2021 14:55

Wow OP. I think you’ve had some unkind responses. Whilst I can kind of see why people are judging you it’s pretty unfair considering everything you have going on.

I just wanted to say that I have a small dog. Less than half the weight of yours. And I can see how it can affect a person’s back if the dog pulls. Even if they are well trained at loose lead walking there can be a sudden tug on the lead when a squirrel is spotted than can almost pull me over if I’m not expecting it. If my back was weak or I had an injury this could be agony.

Wolfiefan · 19/04/2021 15:20

So rather than attempting to deal with his MH issues you’d rather get shot of the dog? Angry

JoysexrenovationFingerFumble · 19/04/2021 15:29

@FebruaryJuly

With or without a baby, he can't cope being in our house with the dog. That's the simplest way I can put it.
Well there’s your answer.

I think you’re being unfair to all the posters who are trying to offer you sensible advice. You’d already made your decision and now you’re cross that not everybody is reassuring you that it’s the only choice. You really shouldn’t ask for advice if you don’t want it; it’s a waste of everybody’s time.

Also, this isn’t a pet question. It’s a mental health question.

I wish you all the best but this was really a pointless thread.

lancashirelady · 19/04/2021 15:33

Please rehome the dog as soon as possible and don't ever be tempted to get another. It's not fair on the animal or your son.

m0therofdragons · 19/04/2021 15:42

You got a puppy then got pregnant? Utter madness. We have a 10 month old puppy and they’re hard work but we knew that. I can’t imagine our home without him now but I have 3dc ages 9-13 so old enough to help out. People will be frustrated with you because you’ve taken on a puppy with no realistic thought. It sounds best to rehome - first step would be to speak to your breeder.

Bluntness100 · 19/04/2021 15:45

@FebruaryJuly

With or without a baby, he can't cope being in our house with the dog. That's the simplest way I can put it.
Then remove the dog. I’m not sure what you’re looking for from this thread, speak to the breeder and if they can’t take the dog back then give the dog to a good no kill rescue

Sadly he won’t be the only lock down puppy who is sent back when the reality hits.

MrsBobDylan · 19/04/2021 16:04

Definitely rehome through a rescue rather than give to friends. You can't guarantee they won't also struggle and pass him on again which will ruin what is a rather lovely dog.

I got a puppy when my youngest was 3 and even that was too you g in hindsight. I think you will be glad when baby is toddling not to have a dog.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 19/04/2021 16:09

He is a good weight for his size and structure, he has regular vet check ups and they are happy with his weight but do find it very strange that he has grown so big for a Frenchie, especially considering his litter siblings are normal size for a Frenchie. He is 20kg, not lbs
*

See the photo for guide weight below OP. So you are saying he is 44lbs/3 stone Hmm
*

We don't know what to do anymore
XelaM · 19/04/2021 16:15

Such a shame OP. To get rid of a member of the family (which dogs are) when things get a bit tough. Surely you wouldn't rehome a baby for making too much mess? Puppies are like babies.

We already have a beloved pug baby. My daughter would have a Frenchie to keep him company in a heartbeat.

vomcomvomcom · 19/04/2021 16:22

Is your husband perhaps jealous that the dog is getting more attention from you than he is?

imalmostthere · 19/04/2021 16:27

You have decided you're rehoming him so do it sooner rather than later so it's easier on the poor puppy. I have no idea why you posted this, other than to seek validation for your actions.

tadpole39 · 19/04/2021 16:36

On dear, I really don't think this is about the dog. Your husband sounds very anxious and is it possible he's displacing other feelings onto the dog? Get rid of the dog and all those worries ha e to go somewhere. I'd be concentrating on getting some help for him before the new baby comes and you're all going to need support. Good luck.

Bobbots · 19/04/2021 17:51

If his OCD has got worse recently then you need to be prepared for the possibility that his mental health WILL be negatively affected by the arrival of a new baby. Aside from rehoming the dog you need to be prepared for that, he needs to be more proactive in trying to seek help and you should make sure you have a good support network around you for when the baby arrives. Especially if your 5 year old is just as clean and tidy as an adult (which is not the usual scenario), a vomiting baby may also increase his stress.

Faultymain5 · 19/04/2021 18:36

@UhtredRagnarson

Yes and likewise- people who didn’t know that information weren’t being unfair to think it strange that a little frenchie was causing back problems in an adult man.
Yeah but you did read about the husband’s mental health and didn’t seem to give a f*ck. soHmm
SpeedRunParent · 19/04/2021 21:39

@FebruaryJuly

To all asking how my husband will respond when the baby arrives, we have already had a baby before which never caused any issues. We know that another baby will not cause further mental health issues as we have done amazingly with our first baby (now 5). My husband has never had his OCD impact his mental health until we got the dog, hence why he (wrongly) thought he would be able to deal with it. It's only since getting the dog that his OCD and anxiety around that has caused such a problem for his mental health. Not too sure why I have to keep repeating myself about that.

He himself didn't realise that the dog hair would trigger his anxiety as much as it does. We chose a Frenchie as we know that hey are good dogs for families and children, which I couldn't agree with more. The hair was never an issue (on paper) until it really started triggering my husbands mental health when it was too late as we already had our dog who is so loved by us which is what is making this so hard.

I find it extremely rude for people to be questioning whether or not we will cope with a baby (second baby at that). We have coped extremely well so far with our first and that's one of the things that I have always felt more proud than anything else of.

I don't think I am alone in getting the impression that you may not be as ready for multiple children as you think. It's not the same as having just the one. I think your DH needs to get some help for his OCD before you become a family of 4. With regards to the dog, rehome it. let it have a family that can love it unconditionally and enjoy it as part of the family. Please insist on a home check before you sell it though, make sure the new family can meet the dog's needs.
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 20/04/2021 10:23

Am I the only one baffled by the size discrepancy Grin

Tal45 · 20/04/2021 11:01

The dog is literally torturing your husband by the sounds of it, you have to hand him back. You might find his MH has gone down hill in general though and this isn't the miracle cure you were hoping for so I would just be aware of that - especially if he feels huge guilt at giving the dog back. There could be a very long wait for NHS help though so if you can afford to I would go private asap, certainly before the baby is born. Please don't ever have another dog though.

NutellaEllaElla · 20/04/2021 11:10

The dog is literally torturing your husband
That's a bit much. The dog isn't doing anything but being. I'm baffled why rehoming the dog is the first solution before seeking mental health help more vigorously/privately.

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