We don't know what to do anymore

[FebruaryJuly]

I really don't want negative comments as I know they are so easy to make towards this type of situation and I was always somebody who would look down on people who said these types of things before we were in the situation ourselves.

We have a gorgeous 11 month old frenchie and have had him since he was 8 weeks old. We got him from our friend's litter. He is well trained and so good, we couldn't ask for a better tempered dog, especially with him still being young!

For a long time now, we (mainly husband) have got to breaking points with whether he is right for us or not. My breaking points have been not really to do with our dog himself, as I can deal with what he comes with, but seeing how depressed my husband is getting constantly.

Since we got him, he has told himself that he is being stupid and will get over the things that are stressing him, but each time, his mental health hits back at him worse. He has fairly bad OCD with how messy things are and having things in the right place. He can't bring himself to deal with the malting and getting hairs on his legs. Also, the smell of the dog, the poos, the odd accident that the dog has in the car and how bad his back gets when walking him due to how strong our dog is.

We have been back to this point about 5 times now and pushed it behind us saying things will get better, but my husbands mental health is only getting worse.

Our dog had a gorgeous relationship with our 5 year old, they are always playing together and our son would be distraught if we decided to find him a new home. I am worried about how much more stressed and depressed my husband is going to feel when our second baby arrives next month, with the general tiredness that comes with a baby as well.

This is coming between our relationship and I am starting to feel depressed because of how distant we are becoming as a couple because of my husbands issues with him. We are usually a very close family and I would never want anything to pull us apart. My husband has never suffered with mental health issues, it has always been me, he has always been good at keeping on top of his OCD, but the last year has tipped him over the edge and he also feels constant guilt for it.

We really don't know what to do and I know what people will be thinking

He gets a bad back from walking a frenchie? Confused by that, you literally couldn't get a much smaller dog.

It seems like it could be solved if you have some money to throw at the problem - therapy for your husband, robot hoover for the house, grooming the dog regularly (to reduce the moulting and smell), obedience training for your dog. You say he has a lovely demeanour, it would be a shame to separate him from your 5 year old just because he makes a bit of mess.

@chipsndippy if you read the other comments, you would realise that he is 20kg and very large frame (no way over weight).

@Bluntness100 it's so strange! His siblings from the same litter are all half the size of him and we have 6 generations of Frenchies on his papers as well..

A baby is nothing to do with this. We have been expecting to keep him throughout having the bay and have always wanted to. It's all down to how my husband is dealing with it and he is trying to get help for his OCD too and has been trying to for a while. Having a baby next month is nothing whatsoever to do with this. We have been doing so much to get him prepared for having a new baby in the home and he is doing well with all of that and has also been amazing around our family members' new babies and older babies. There is no reason why we would re-home him due to a new baby being in the house. It is simply the stress my husbands OCD/anxiety is putting on the family (as mentioned, he has been trying to get help for months).

OP your dog will always moult & poo. There's no changing that - either your DH gets some support in managing his OCD, or you accept your family isn't suited to pet ownership.
If he is a well-behaved, friendly & well socialised dog then a good rescue will have no problem in finding him a suitable home - I'd strongly advise going through a breed specific official rescue rather than organising it yourselves, as you won't be able to provide the ongoing support & back-up that the new family will need.

It sounds like the best thing for your dog would be to rehome him. But you need to put your dog first here because it’s not his fault that you took on a pet and now can’t cope. So don’t restrict rehoming only to people who will let you know how he is etc - that is making everything about you again. You should rehome to whichever charity or shelter or facility is best for your dog rather than only considering places that will alleviate the guilt you feel by keeping in touch with you regularly.

The OCD thing is strange though, I don’t know why you didn’t anticipate these issues beforehand if your DH already had OCD that was focused on issues of cleanliness/poo etc. Also presumably he already had a bad back so you knew that walking the dog etc might be an issue.

Also you say the baby is nothing to do with it but you specifically mention in your OP that it is a contributing factor.

Threads like this tend to go much better when people take responsibility rather than try to make excuses.

@Bobbots the baby has only become a factor because of the primary factor of my husbands mental health becoming so low. The baby is not a factor in itself, only due to how low in his mental health my husband has become now.

His bad back happened after getting the dog, so that was not to be known of when we got him.

In regards to shelters, from reading other posts, have heard bad things about shelters.

I can't see where you says that your DH had been trying to get help good months but no matter - how is he struggling to get help? Maybe we can help?

Do you not think the imminent arrival of a new baby is adding to your husband's stress, though? I think this is what PP meant by your baby being a factor

@NutellaEllaElla there are waiting lists everywhere for mental health support, it's ridiculous.

We have already made steps by having a personal and fully qualified dog trainer, but as others have said and as I have said to my husband for a long time, the things that bother him (dog hair around the house and on clothes etc. Are things that you can't train out of a dog). Our dog is amazing, so much that he is trained to only poo in a certain area of the garden, which makes it so much easier to clean! But these are the things he can't get over and until having him, he never knew that they would be so much of an issue for him!

I feel so upset by some of these comments in the thread.

When I write the initial post, I wrote it crying my eyes out because if it was only down to me, I would be keeping him and putting up with the dog traits that we knew all along would come with him, they don't bother me, none of it bothers me. I love having him and it breaks my heart even thinking that we have to rethink this.

I am crying my eyes out now writing this because I desperately want to keep him, I have just been hugging our dog crying because of how much he means to me.

But then I have to think about what is best for MY family and OUR dog. My family is not in a great place because of my husbands mental health which has grown more and more negative since having the dog. OUR dog is not getting the care and attention that he wants to have from my husband. Our dog adores my husband but my husband just can't form that bond with him, although he never ignores him he still plays with him but he has been acting all along to make our dog happy. Throughout the whole time that he is trying his best with his OCD around the dog, he is literally crying inside and he has hit a wall with it now and can't do it anymore. We have come to this so many times now and pushed it behind us saying we can do it because we love him (the dog), but my husband really can't.

It's one thing saying get rid of the husband but that's just a childish comment to make and something that would never happen. He is my husband and my children's dad, he is important to us and he is crying for help but knows how much he will be judged, by people like some of the people on this thread, for asking for the help.

I'm the one that's more stuck than anybody because I'm in the middle of it all and want to keep our dog but know deep down that that's not right for either my family or our dog.

Can he get private CBT?

Do you mean lbs or kg OP? Looking at it and thinking sensibly, you dig could not healthily be the weight you are claiming.

How will he cope with a baby op? They are much muckier than dogs.

Where in the country are you?

Please give your lockdown puppy away and admit to yourself to the fact that dog ownership wasn’t what you thought it would be and that it’s not for your family.

*your dog not you dig

Hi,

Sounds very tough for all of you. I don’t think it could have reasonably been foreseen that this would have had such an impact on your DHs mental health. You obviously sincerely thought you would be able to be a stable and good home for a dog, but it turns out it doesn’t suit your husband’s MH. It’s unfortunate but a nice, young well socialised Frenchie will find a fabulous new home very quickly. Obviously don’t sell him and instead go via a breed rescue. It’s more important he gets the right home than you know his owners.

Good luck, it will be hard but you can do the best for your little dog by rehoming him. And best of luck with your new baby. Sounds like your DH needs help with his MH regardless of the dog too?

Are you allowed to rehome the dog privately or did you sign a contract that said that you would offer to return the dog to the breeder if you no longer wanted it?

He is a good weight for his size and structure, he has regular vet check ups and they are happy with his weight but do find it very strange that he has grown so big for a Frenchie, especially considering his litter siblings are normal size for a Frenchie. He is 20kg, not lbs.

@TheAuthorityofJackieWeaver thank you for being so helpful, your comment has helped to reassure me more than any of the others

@Happenchance As we got him from close friends, they would be the first people who we approach. They still have both of his parents and also one of his litter siblings.

With a newborn baby, a five year old and husband with mental health struggles and a back injury, this is not the right environment for a dog to thrive. The kindest thing to do is rehome him. No doubt you love him and it will be hard to give him up, but better now than a year down the line when you are all even more stressed.

DH needs to get help for his MH. Medication? Mindfulness? CBT? GPs can also prescribe reading.
Plus look at reducing the mess. Eg is dog in a crate in the car? Washable vet fleece is your friend!
Different leads and collars can help with pulling. As well as working with a trainer.
I would hate to rehome then have DH feel better and regret it.

It sounds as though your ddog has been in a loving home despite the challenges it has caused your DH, so if he were to be rehomed through a rescue he would be able to bond and settle with another family. Therefore unfortunately I do think rehoming is the answer in this case. A year old house trained dog with no behavioural issues should find a new home through a rescue fairly easily.

Why did you not think about your partner's ocd before getting a dog that moults?

I love dogs but have a breed that does not moult because I don't want me and my home to be covered in dog hair.

No way do dogs make more mess than children. Good luck with the baby because you are going to need it

Mumsnet is really the wrong place to come to for balanced advise about anything dog related. The dog must always, always come first here. Regardless of what impact its having.

Op I don't think that rehoming the dog (which does need to be done) is going to resolve your dh's mental health issues. How is he going to respond when the baby arrives?

Well yes if you're still close to the breeder, then they should take him back.
It's very sad, but your family just doesn't suit him.

To all asking how my husband will respond when the baby arrives, we have already had a baby before which never caused any issues. We know that another baby will not cause further mental health issues as we have done amazingly with our first baby (now 5). My husband has never had his OCD impact his mental health until we got the dog, hence why he (wrongly) thought he would be able to deal with it. It's only since getting the dog that his OCD and anxiety around that has caused such a problem for his mental health. Not too sure why I have to keep repeating myself about that.

He himself didn't realise that the dog hair would trigger his anxiety as much as it does. We chose a Frenchie as we know that hey are good dogs for families and children, which I couldn't agree with more. The hair was never an issue (on paper) until it really started triggering my husbands mental health when it was too late as we already had our dog who is so loved by us which is what is making this so hard.

I find it extremely rude for people to be questioning whether or not we will cope with a baby (second baby at that). We have coped extremely well so far with our first and that's one of the things that I have always felt more proud than anything else of.