Domestic violence services shouldn't stigmatise dads

[eyeisbloke]

Hi Mums and Dads,

If anyone would like to sign a petition asking the Royal Borough of Greenwich replace their ‘Dad’s have the strength to change’ poster you can do so here: www.change.org/p/chief-executive-royalgreenwich-gov-uk-have-the-strength-to-change-domestic-violence-services-shouldn-t-stigmatise-dads …

Despite numerous complaints and national newspaper coverage the council have defended their choice of words, stating that the campaign is designed to help all family members at risk and that 'whilst women can also be the cause of domestic violence, the majority of incidents are committed by men.'

Such a perception is highly questionable. Research repeatedly shows that women perpetrate physical and emotional abuse at comparable rates to men [1] and that domestic violence is most commonly reciprocal [2].

According to the council's own estimates, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in your Borough will experience domestic abuse. Based on this, is a message suggesting that men accessing their services will likely be perceived as perpetrators is really the most effective away of addressing violence against vulnerable people of either sex?

I hope you can show your support.

[1]www.prweb.com/releases/2013/5/prweb10741752.htm
[2]pb.rcpsych.org/content/35/1/33.1

As an aside....

That poster no more stigmatises men than a similar one featuring a woman would stigmatise women. The only people it stigmatises is violent men. If you feel stigmatised by it then you might need to have a wee think about that, yes?

oh dear, a Not All Men petition. Because it is essential that no man is unnecessarily offended in the pursuit of reducing male violence against women.

My first foray onto Dadsnet, and I'm really enjoying it here. On the Nope Bench.

Campfire-baked cheesecake, anyone? >passes it around

Nope.

NOPE.

Oh god, spare me, please.

Yes, men are victims too but not at the same rates as women and DV stats include familial violence and some male victims are as a result of gang or crime related violence. And many others are as a result of same sex violence with male perpetrators.

I'd have no problem getting behind a campaign that says the 40 refuge spaces for men in the UK isn't enough (of course it isn't, but then again refuge provision for women isn't enough either and that's what's mainly being cut). But all this men are just as likely as women to be victims too stuff is rubbish. Two men a week aren't being killed by their partners and 250 men a day aren't trying to access refuges and support.

I've yet to see a campaign supporting male victims that recognises that, they're always, always diminishing female victims.

I'm a nope too
Only come across one woman professionally who was a genuine domestic abuser - loads and loads of men who are fathers and who are by definition abusing their children
My anecdotal experience is backed up by research so I'm happy to sit on the no bench

My non violent, non abusive husband is not at all offended by that poster.

He sits with me on the nope bench while remembering the times his step father was violent, for example when he was punched by him, a six foot tall fully grown man, when Dh was 8 years old.

My dad kindly never raised a hand to his own children, but he did drag my mother across the room by her hair when she was 8 months pregnant and threatened to kill her children.

I have to say that in order to NOT be against this poster, you have to come from a pretty naive position so OP perhaps you need to look about you a bit.

Yep, sitting on the nope bench here.

The only issue I have with this poster is that it seems to me it feeds into the 'real men don't ...' rhetoric, which can imply there's something to be proud of in not being violent, instead of it just being basic decency. But, you choose whatever message works, I guess.

Certainly don't feel it stigmatises non-violent dads.

Room for one more? Shove up then

No.

Nice to see a campaign addressing perpetrators for once.

OP I suggest you Google some feminism 101 articles regarding "Not all men".

Violence as a whole is overwhelmingly gendered. Men are far more likely to commit it. It's also true that in general, men are more likely to be on the receiving end, because a lot of that violence is male-on-male, street fights, gang attacks etc. But with DV, more women are victims.

write-up of some recent UK stats

Also remember that of men who have experienced domestic abuse, a good proportion of that will be committed by other men, typically a dad or stepdad.

It is an issue that men suffer violence and it does need addressing, but
it is also important for social services to protect families from dad/stepdads as often as possible. In fact, there are frequently cases of courts/social workers favouring dads having contact when the mum knows the dad is abusive and dangerous, but she's left powerless. Even when the court knows the man has attacked the woman, he's still allowed access to his kids, even though he's shown himself to be violent and out of control.

Are two men a week killed in the UK by their violent female partners? Have I missed something?

We are going to need a bigger bench.

Signed and shared round my Facebook friends.

Which does include Erin Pizzey, if she shares it around you should get more interest.

I want to know what, exactly, reciprocal violence describes?

Is it where a man defends himself from a violent woman or is it (more likely) where a woman attempts to defend herself or her children from further violence?

I mean for it to be reciprocal one person has to start it right?

I can't imagine that many women would start a fight with a man knowing he's likely to thump her back. I'm not saying women don't hit men. I'm sure a select few do, but the numbers would be tiny compared to those of male on female or male on male violence.

What has Erin Pizzey got to do with it ?

Same thing she usually has to do with it, I imagine.

Magically, when a woman starts saying violence isn't gendered, she becomes infallible.

It is not my intention to detract from the terrible experiences of many women up and down the country, quite the opposite in fact.

And yet that's exactly what you are doing, OP.

< pulls up another nope bench >

I can't sign either I'm afraid.

I remember lying in bed screaming for help whilst my dad kicked the shit out of my mum. Whilst he bit her. Whilst he burnt her with cigarettes. I remember flinching every time he walked past us because he thought it funny to slap us on the back of the head for fun. I remember him sticking a hot teaspoon on my hand and holding my head in the washing up bowl. I remember him throwing my mum down the stairs. I remember him telling her and us that we were lucky he didn't kill us fucking cunts. I remember the police turning up and asking him to leave the house "for a few hours". I don't remember him doing any of that to my brother.

Think I'm gonna sit on the no bench dickhead.

I think it's a great slogan actually. Genuinely. As others have said, I like that it addresses the perpetrators directly and has a redemptive message - you can sort yourself out. No of course it doesn't apply to every domestic abuse situation, but it is relevant to a great many.

Paintpot

My dad used to burn my mum, too. I can't see those casual "DIAF!" comments slung around by men on twitter without flinching, and it's been decades.

I think we're supposed to be impressed that he has Erin on his FB friends list.

If Erin really believed what she is now saying to get those lovely cookies she'd have started large numbers of shelters for abused men, surely? I mean, she did start the first shelter for female victims of DV, so it's not like she's normally a shrinking violet when it comes to activism.

Has she?

No.

Wonder why that might be?

It's a big nope from me as well. I'm lucky enough not to have had a wonderful and caring father, but that doesn't mean I don't recognise that domestic abuse is massively gendered and stems from a problem with toxic masculinity.