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Original poster

Wedding reception decision - unconventional - your input please?!

93 replies

PavlovtheCatthatgottheCremeEgg · 07/04/2007 11:29

Ok, so here it is.
My wedding, in September to my darling Dp, who is the best person I know, who I love with all my heart, who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

We are not conventional people. Neither do we have a lot of money.
We had a baby last year, my mum died this year, I have hardly any family, his family live in USA. (just a bit of background). My brother is in the army, he was going to give me away, on behalf of my mum but unfortunately he will be in some far flung land in a fiend. His wife will have had her 3rd child 4 weeks before so unlikely to attend. My sister might or might not be there.

So, we are getting married
here

and were going to have the reception in a townhall, loverly, but caters for up to 190 people. We are looking at now having about 50-60 people there max, and some of these will go early due to children. It seems expansive, and as numbers dwinlde we wil be in a big hall which will probably echo!! means we need to get a band/Pa system, decorations etc.

So, we have thought about having the reception in a seafood resuarant

here
Positives

  1. It is intimate, caters for 40 people. 45 at a push.
  2. It will be personally coordinated by manager
  3. They are award winning chefs.
It is only £20 - 3- pp.
  1. Exclusive use.
  2. There is a pub, part of same restuarant, next door, where guests can meet before we arrive.
  3. No need to organise band.
  4. It caters for vegetarians and non-fish eaters too.

Here are the problems:

  1. We will be asking people to pay for their own meal. Approx £20-£30 pp. To be arranged with manager yet.
  2. It is about 50 mins drive from wedding. and about 20 mins drive from where most people will be coming.
  3. No children will be invited.
  4. Will need to invite less people as restuarant only holds 40 (45 at a push).

We thought, our friends have not been the most supportive over the last year or two, and even now, with us having no family around, are not too bothered by helping us with our LO, or interested in the wedding very much. We felt that spending £4000 on just our friends (family from USa coming, but will be happy with whatever we do) is a lot, and thos who really want to spend the evening with us will be prepared to pay the money.

To us the wedding itself is the most important part of the day, the evening is an informal celebreation of the days eventd.

What do you think?

OP posts:
SquonkyDonkeyHotCrossBuns · 07/04/2007 11:34

I think it looks fab.

Reception in a restaurant also a good idea, for an intimate do.

I would have no problem paying for my own meal and if your friends do, un-invite them.

Are you there at the same time as Midge Ure?

morningpaper · 07/04/2007 11:35

Hmm well I wouldn't attend because it is a lot of driving, and I have children, who would not want to stand around in a chilly cave for an hour after driving for ages, and THEN what would I do with them?

You say your friends aren't very interested in your wedding, but really this isn't the sort of thing you can expect people to TALK about or show much interest in until the day itself.

It sounds like a really inconvenient wedding for your guests - are you punishing them for not helping with your LO?!?!

pinkspottywellies · 07/04/2007 11:40

I think it sounds lovely! People do all sorts of unusual things now for weddings - I'm sure you'll get some negative comments but if people don't want to join you to celebrate your wedding it's up to them.
Good luck

rowan1971 · 07/04/2007 11:41

Are you having a 'no presents' rule? I don't have much spare cash, and might be a bit sore about buying a present and forking out for a meal too.

Original poster
PavlovtheCatthatgottheCremeEgg · 07/04/2007 11:43

morningpaper - I am not punishing them...the caverns were always the plan. Its great for children as there is lots of open space outside, beautiful gardens with faries, bluebells etc. This iswhere the photos/drinks after the ceremony will take place. The only time the kids will be bored, is the normal length of time they would have to be bored in any wedding.

As for the driving to the reception. I agree. We are thinking of hiring a coach to take people, either to the ceremony and then to restuarant, or to the restuarant from plymouth, where most live/will be staying and back again.

Its not that we dont want our friends there, its just that we want to celebrate this wedding our way, and the traditional way is not really possible, as we have very little family.

Incidentally, the town hall we were originally having it was miles away too, due to lack of affordable places in plymouth itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
PavlovtheCatthatgottheCremeEgg · 07/04/2007 11:44

Do not expect presents. I would be happy for the meal to be intead of presents.

OP posts:
lulumama · 07/04/2007 11:46

have posted in the tea shop pavlov

just to say, as a mum of two..unless you were my best mate ever in the whole world

the cost would probably make me think twice about attending

£60 for 2 of us to eat

£50 for a decent present

£35 + for a babysitter to have 2 kids for the day and night

£???? for petrol , outfit etc

no-one is ever as interesed in your wedding as you are, and they do tend to bring out the worst in people, especially if they feel they are essentially paying for the do!

why not have a tiny wedding, then a massive party for everyone and their kids, and have a buffet...people would not mind bringing a salad or two to contribute or another dish, rather than £60 for a meal

morningpaper · 07/04/2007 11:47

But the children will be starving after the wedding and they will have to go home!

It's fine if that's what you want, but PLEASE don't be offended if people turn down your invitations!

lulumama · 07/04/2007 11:47

x post

you would need to be really clear re no presents!

zippitippitoes · 07/04/2007 11:48

that is along drive..I would say too far

if i was you I would just have a private wedding as you don't sound too enthralled with the potential guests

I doubt I'd go to a wedding if it was quite inconvenient, no kids if I had them and I had to pay myself

Original poster
PavlovtheCatthatgottheCremeEgg · 07/04/2007 11:51

I was prob being hard on my friends there, I was trying to say that as we feel a liitle let down y our friends, and some of the most important people in my life wont be there (mum/brother), should I be thinking abvout them as a priority in my wedding...?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 07/04/2007 11:54

Why are you having a big wedding and not just a private ceremony with people you really LIKE?

Original poster
PavlovtheCatthatgottheCremeEgg · 07/04/2007 11:57

The day would run like this.

coahc tp pick everyone up at 1:15pm
Wedding at 2:30pm. Everyone including children welcome. )even dogs if it helps!)
Photos/drinks etc until 4:0 - 4:30pm.

Coach back to plymouth.

Those who are coming to evening will stay on coach, those who are not go home/back to hotel.

Coach takes rest of people to restuarant

We arrive at 6:30pm or so.
Coach takes everyone back to plymouth for whatever time.

Those who dont live in plymouth would be driving anyway.
Those who live in plymouth wont have to drive anywhere.
Those with children would be going early anyway. Those with older children can bring them.

Or, if people dont want the coach, they could car share. Devon is quite remote, people who live here know that we have to travel to many many places. It is sort of given that there will besome traqvel involved.

Sound any more appealing?

OP posts:
chirpygirl · 07/04/2007 11:58

This is what my sister did, she requested no presents and sent out a menu for us to choose meals with invitations, that way we knew what we were getting in for (IYSWIM) cost 25 quid a head, and we all chipped in a fiver extra to pay for their meals (and their DD's) too and the drinks. Didn't think it was that expensive and had no problem with it, neither did anyone else.

Tamdin · 07/04/2007 11:59

total hijack sorry. pavlov can you start new therad for SIFTW. w're all full up and i don't know how to do it

zippitippitoes · 07/04/2007 12:00

but you just can't invite people to a wedding with no meal..they will be starving or do they take a picnic?

Original poster
PavlovtheCatthatgottheCremeEgg · 07/04/2007 12:02

All those being invited to our wedding are people we like. I think it all came across wrong...We want to celebrate our marriage to each other with all those we care about. To us, the evenening celebration is an extension of that. I dont really get why I would want people at the evening bit who were not there to witness the whole point of the day... which is to exchange vows.

OP posts:
Tamdin · 07/04/2007 12:04

pav. Your good friends will be more than happy to pay for their own meal. we're flying to portugal in 7 weeks to be at a friends wedding so asking people to drive 50 mins is nada.

paulaplumpbottom · 07/04/2007 12:05

It is inapropriate for you to invite people to the wedding and not the reception. You could invite people to the reception but not the wedding. You can't do it the other way around. So they have to drive 50miles, get babysitters for their children and then you expect them to pay for their own meal? Sounds convienant for you but not very nice for your guest. I am all for people having excatly the wedding they want but I think maybe this is a bit much. I hope that doesn't offend.

lulumama · 07/04/2007 12:06

not just about being happy to pay, not everyone can pay ! £60 and petrol and baby sitters, and outfit is a lot !

morningpaper · 07/04/2007 12:10

I am surprised that you, as parents, are arranging this day because it sounds REALLY stressful for parents. I don't know whether many of your friends will have children?

Anyone who is local is spending 3-4 hours on a coach for your wedding day - that sounds quite horrid to me.

You live in a beautiful part of the country (Devon not Plymouth per se ) - a village church with a village hall would be quite lovely for everyone.

At weddings people only really care about food, alcohol, socialising and (if parents) not stressing about their children. The venues are irrelevant.

My most enjoyable wedding was in the middle of the East End where we all had to cross a dual carriageway for the reception in a hall with discarded tumble driers piled up outside. It was a fantastic do. I've turned down invites to weddings in beautiful venues because I would be stressing about my children all day.

But it's your day - you don't have to plan it for your guests to enjoy!

Original poster
PavlovtheCatthatgottheCremeEgg · 07/04/2007 12:11

Can I ask why it is inappropriate to expect people to pay so we can have the wedding we want? We are not asking people who are in no financial position to pay.
The other option is to scrap getting married this year...our finances have taken a battering due to travel whilst on maternity leave to see my mum lots before she died, and little time planning for same reason meant places we would have liked are booked now.

Is getting married about providing a party for everyone else, or about inviting people to celebrate our lives together, and our future?

The other option was to go to Hawaii.

OP posts:
Original poster
PavlovtheCatthatgottheCremeEgg · 07/04/2007 12:12

It will be 2 hours on coach max. And not all at once.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 07/04/2007 12:12

Can I ask why it is inappropriate to expect people to pay so we can have the wedding we want?

UM

morningpaper · 07/04/2007 12:13

We are not asking people who are in no financial position to pay

So your poor friends aren't invited?

Your options are:

  1. An inconvenient wedding for which guests have to pay or
  2. Going to Hawaii?

I'm sure there are some other courses of action.

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