Wedding reception decision - unconventional - your input please?!

[PavlovtheCatthatgottheCremeEgg]

Ok, so here it is.
My wedding, in September to my darling Dp, who is the best person I know, who I love with all my heart, who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

We are not conventional people. Neither do we have a lot of money.
We had a baby last year, my mum died this year, I have hardly any family, his family live in USA. (just a bit of background). My brother is in the army, he was going to give me away, on behalf of my mum but unfortunately he will be in some far flung land in a fiend. His wife will have had her 3rd child 4 weeks before so unlikely to attend. My sister might or might not be there.

So, we are getting married
here

and were going to have the reception in a townhall, loverly, but caters for up to 190 people. We are looking at now having about 50-60 people there max, and some of these will go early due to children. It seems expansive, and as numbers dwinlde we wil be in a big hall which will probably echo!! means we need to get a band/Pa system, decorations etc.

So, we have thought about having the reception in a seafood resuarant

here
Positives

1. It is intimate, caters for 40 people. 45 at a push.
2. It will be personally coordinated by manager
3. They are award winning chefs.

It is only £20 - 3- pp.

1. Exclusive use.
2. There is a pub, part of same restuarant, next door, where guests can meet before we arrive.
3. No need to organise band.
4. It caters for vegetarians and non-fish eaters too.

Here are the problems:

1. We will be asking people to pay for their own meal. Approx £20-£30 pp. To be arranged with manager yet.
2. It is about 50 mins drive from wedding. and about 20 mins drive from where most people will be coming.
3. No children will be invited.
4. Will need to invite less people as restuarant only holds 40 (45 at a push).

We thought, our friends have not been the most supportive over the last year or two, and even now, with us having no family around, are not too bothered by helping us with our LO, or interested in the wedding very much. We felt that spending £4000 on just our friends (family from USa coming, but will be happy with whatever we do) is a lot, and thos who really want to spend the evening with us will be prepared to pay the money.

To us the wedding itself is the most important part of the day, the evening is an informal celebreation of the days eventd.

What do you think?

I'm probably going to complicate things more than helping them, but here's what we did, and I'm wondering if you can sort of do something similar but 'in reverse'.

We had a very small registry office wedding with just close family (parents, siblings and two witnesses) present. Afterwards the people at the wedding (12 in total) went out for a meal at a really nice restaurant.

The next day we threw a party for everyone we knew at our house (only a small terraced house with a postage-stamp garden, but we had over 70 people at various times). We did the catering ourselves (nibbles, salads, easy buffet stuff) and others contributed food items.

The wedding was quiet and intimate and had just the people we really wanted there. The party was a huge laugh and cost next to nothing. Even my dh (who really doesn't do parties and would have been happy with just me and him and two witnesses off the street in the registry office!) enjoyed it.

Now, yours would need to be a bit the other way around, since you've already booked the wedding. But how about if you had the wedding as planned and then some sort of picnic lunch (which could be very simple) for the people who attend the wedding. Kids could play in the grounds, etc.

Then, the next day (or even that night, depending on timing) you and a select group of close friends/family could go for the meal at the restaurant. The people who didn't come to the restaurant need never know that there was more to the wedding than just the ceremony and picnic, so no-one is offended.

Might not work for you, though... just an idea. At the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you.

I agree that you can have more people to the reception than to the wedding ceremony but not have more people to the ceremony than to the reception

who is going to want to spend a couple of hours on a coach hang around for your photos and have nothing to eat

it sounds ghastly...unfortunately

Morningpaper - if you are right about people only being interested in food etc, then perhaps we need to question what it is we are getting married for! Quiet little villages are usually booked up quickly, and will all involve travelling. The restuarant we are proposing is in one of those said sleepy villages 20 mins from plymouth

The Photos are really the most AWFUL part of any wedding day for the guests

They are pure HELL

I would get a licence to get married in the restaurant

OR arrange catering at the Caves place

Either sounds great

Agree with mp. Arrange (simple, if necessary) catering at the caves. Then have a slap-up meal at the restaurant for a small group of about 10-12 very close friends who you know won't mind contributing to the cost.

Zipp - it would be half hour photos in a gorgeous woodland area, and the rest of the time will be 1. getting married, and two drinks to celebrate.
Most people I know do not eat their tea between 2:30pm and 4:30pm.

I think, perhaps, that whilst some people might not agree with this proposal and have given good suggestions to alternatives, reasons why it might not work, calling it ghastly, is a little too much really.

People always forget to eat before a wedding

By the time 2pm comes they are weak with hunger

honestly

The photos, btw are not formall photographer ones, they are my BIL, who prefers, as we do, natural shots, with just a handful of formal ones.
September is a beatufl time of the year in this place, gorgeous birds, wonderful flowers, most people, live in Devon and appreciate the beauty, they would not be hanging around awaiting for us, it is why we picked here rather than some boring hotel.

well I was going by your timetable

local guest leave home about 12.45 to get to coach pu

and arrives back home approx 5.45

sounds like a long time to me

don't forget it might rain

Rain, zippi? In Cornwall? Surely not!

Could you hand out a snack and drink of some sort while the pictures are being taken? Bottles of wine or water with maybe little bags of mixed nuts or something. You could make up little bags yourself

sorry I agree iwth MP and lulubelle.I have 3 kids and i coulndt go.

"Can I ask why it is inappropriate to expect people to pay so we can have the wedding we want? We are not asking people who are in no financial position to pay. "

in that case, why dont you just ask them all for money so you can get married in Hawaii?

sorry, but I wouldnt give a stuff if a wedding I was invited to was personally co-ordinated by teh manager with award winning chefs. I woudl be intereted in seeing my friends making theircomittmnent to each other and having a good party where my kids were happy. Kids hate travel, having to be quiet and hanging around waiting for photos

Just my opinioin

Paula - of course drinks. We are having a champagne toast immediately after the wedding ceremony, in the gardens.

The ceremony was not really what I was concerned about, not when I posted this anyway. It is paid for and happening regardless. It was the reception I was needing advice for.

I could look into snacks of some kind with thedrinks.

Quick question - why not have the reception at the restaurant at Carnglaze and do away with the travelling?

Personally I think you should get married where and how you want to. It seems to me there's too much pressure on the 'to be married' couple to provide for everyone else at their wedding.
As your finances are a bit tight I say do whatever you and your DP want (it is your day after all) and those people who are your real friends will fork out and come along and find babysitters etc. Most people I know would be glad of the opportunity to have a great night out with friends, nice food and wine and no kids!
Don't stress about pleasing everyone, its your day and about you two....

Plus hopefully you'll only do it the once- even more reason to make it special for yourselves.....

I would say that if you insist on them paying for their meals that you also put No Gifts Please on the invitation. That way it is finacially easier on your guest

I would be pretty miffed to be invited to the wedding and not the evening... I've been to weddings before where we went to the ceremony, then did our own thing for lunch, then went back for the evening party - because the B&G couldn't afford to feed us all lunch. Fair enough. But to have gone to the ceremony, then been expected to bugger off, especially when others were going on to dinner - that's a bit much.

little - A good idea. Not possible, as

1. It gets a cold in the cavern in the evenings and there is no heating. During the day is fine, but not ideal for long periods of time.
2. There is wedding planned the next day so cannot have an evening function.
3. No onsite facilities for catering.

This was all discussed with the wedding coordinator. Thanks for suggestion tho.

I would not be expecting people to bugger off. The majority of people who would not be coming, would not be attending the recption anyway.

figures
60 people invited to wedding
out of which only 48 people would be coming to reception. We are talking about 3-5 people not coming to the evening. On the basis that everyone invited will be able to make it.

Maybe I should just cut the numbers for the wedding.

?? Sorry, I don't understand. Do you mean they weren't ever planning on coming to the reception, rather than you not inviting them to it? In which case I retract my "bugger off" comment

So you have X people coming to the wedding (with children?) and then Y people are choosing to come to the dinner (without children). Is that correct?

thoses figures below. 48 will only be able to make the reception, not the only number being invited. It should be, out of the total no. coming to wedding, only 48 will be able to make the reception.

If I was talking about 20 - 30 people, I would not be having this discussion in the first place.