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Parties/celebrations

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Original poster

Do you think it is rude to turn up at a party with siblings that aren't invited?

145 replies

sandyballs · 03/07/2006 15:52

I'm not talking about little babies who probably need to be with their mum and aren't a problem sitting in their buggies, but older siblings.

My DDs are in reception and are in separate classes and therefore they often get invited to separate parties which I don't have a problem with. But I wouldn't dream of turning up with the other one if she wasn't invited. However, another mum of twins in the same year always turns up with both of her girls regardless of what it says on the invite, and she usually brings their older (year 2) daughter. It's not a case of having no-one to look after them either because her husband also frequently comes, it's like a family day out .

I know it's none of my business (except when I'm the host) but I just wondered what other MN's thought.

OP posts:
Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 03/07/2006 20:34

No I mean I have to call the party host mb and ask them to come out to the car to take ds2 into the party because I can't take ds1 in and then out again. He'd go ape.

Blandmum · 03/07/2006 20:35

DA, it would depend on the place the party was in. Last part I had for ds cost me 7.99 each. I wasn't made up when someone droppped off little bro as well as invitee, if I am honest.

previous party dd had was in a big play zone type place. A younger sibling was 'left' with me then, and I felt he was too young to be left without 1 to 1 in such a massive place.

party in the garden would be a different thing, but I can do those for my two because of the timing of their birthdays...one in Jan and one in march

Blandmum · 03/07/2006 20:36

jj, I don;t think anyone would be the slightest bit phased by that. They are tossers if they do get upset by it!

Blandmum · 03/07/2006 20:37

I have taken siblings, but in that case I have paid for them myself (if in a soft play), or asked in advance and stayed with younger child if in a garden/house.

It is all just being sensible and tactful, isn't it??

Marina · 03/07/2006 20:51

I don't mind parents staying or squeezing in a sibling or two (we always overcater anyway) but so much depends on the venue (we've had one party where the party room was fully booked and literally one extra would not have been possible). I'd never turn away a crying smaller child, sure, but I think that is because ds' class is small and we already all know each other, and the siblings too.
So an easy call for us to make. We ended up with a couple of spare littlies at the last party, but that was our invitation and no assumptions were made.
I think it is wisest to ask first tbh. I'd always expect to say yes but advance notice helps no end.
at DevilsAdvocado and the four sisters to help. Lucky old you. Some of rely on one dh and a Mumsnetter friend who came to socialise and ended up lending a hand as usual, the star

Marina · 03/07/2006 20:52

and I would never mind helping with situations like jimjams' or Fio's . Would expect to help in some particular way there.

spidermama · 03/07/2006 21:55

Devilsadvocate ... "So if a child came to a party and a sibling cried to get staying would you all send them home in tears? "

YES!. You can't pander to your child's every wish. He or she needs to know they can't do everything they choose. Where will it all end. What if they every time they pass a cinema or a restaurant? Are you going to cave in then too?
Why should I, as hostess, open my house to gatecrashers of any age?

spidermama · 03/07/2006 21:57

I don't over cater. It's hard enough affording a decent party for the invited guests.

For me though, it's more about the principal. Some parents seem to agree with their little ones that the world revolves around them. Well it doesn't and it's dangerous to humour them.

kid · 03/07/2006 21:58

I always ask the parent and let them know its not a problem if other child can't come, it just means I would drop one child off and come back to collect them later rather than stay and help.

Gobbledigook · 03/07/2006 21:58

Yes, I think it's rude.

Unless it's a soft play party and the venue is open to the public at the same time. Then I might take my 3 year old to play but I would expect him to come and sit with me while the others were eating. I wouldn't expect him to be fed. I usually don't though as if I only take ds1 I can kick back, have a coffee and gossip with teh mums!

OTOH, a friend of mine brought her ds2 with her ds1 to my ds1s party - it was an entertainer one so only the children invited iyswim - it didn't bother me at all but probably because she's a close friend and I know she didn't think lightly of it - she was having a difficult relationship scenario and I was more than happy to entertain her ds's for the afternoon.

beckybrastraps · 03/07/2006 21:58

I think it's a case of saying "of course they can stay" if you're the hostess and you have the space, and not presuming if you're the guest.

It's just good manners!

WideWebWitch · 03/07/2006 21:59

Haven't read the thread but my view is:

It's Not On in general
BUT if it's 2 small children and older one is invited but doesn't want mummy to leave I can't see you've got a lot of choice if she's got younger one with her and I wouldn't mind at all in those circs(has happened to me in church hall type parties) or other where the mother had called me in advance and asked. Ds had a friend at his last school whose little brother he really liked so he always used to invite him anyway, which was fine.

beckybrastraps · 03/07/2006 21:59

Of course, you might say it with gritted teeth...

spidermama · 03/07/2006 22:00

It sends out the message to the little gatecrasher that they can go anywhere they want. Bad idea.

puddle · 03/07/2006 22:05

I have no problem with it if it's arranged in advance - ie of the parent rsvps and says that they'll have to bring another child and is this ok. I would only expect it to happen with younger children though - ie where the parent has to stay and so might have a childcare issue with other children.

Most parents drop and run once they get to 5 or 6. I wouldn't expect to have uninvited children at ds's parties now, possibly at dd's.

mummyhill · 04/07/2006 00:18

No problem if the parent phones and asks in advance as arrangemets can be made. However I would be p'd if it was just assumed that it would be ok.

Clary · 04/07/2006 00:27

Have been thinking about this. Fio and jimjams, no-one here is talking about the difficulties when your child has SN, tho it may be easier for you, fio, when ds is old enough to leave.

But for ds1's party 2 wks ago, we went bowling, I had booked 12 spaces for 10 kids and 2 adults, arranged with my mum and a friend to provide cars to get us there, and done 7 party bags...would I have been annoyed if s/one had said, oh, X's brother Y is coming too? Errrr yes, wouldn't we all? In fact he would have been met with "no".

Even at DD's party last week (I know, I know), in a hall with party games, we had 30 children, 30 cups, 30 plates, 27 party bags, 30 sets of treasure hunt clues, 30 chairs at the table, 30 cardboard crowns to decorate - yes, there was preparation, and it was based on how many and who was coming. An extra guest would have been OK, ut still a bit cheeky IMHO.

hunkermunker · 04/07/2006 01:24

The DSs are NEVER having parties

Eulalia · 04/07/2006 08:41

In general I don't like the idea of strictly segrating families and prefer to be relaxed about which members of a family come along. In fact we tend to try to invite as many people as possible, including mums and dads and in the past have hired the village hall which is dead cheap. We serve wine for the parents and the party often goes on for 3-4 hours.

BUT it's a lot of work clearing up afterwards. And last year as I was heavily pregnant we went for the soft play option and I didn't have to do a thing. One of the kids I invited has 3 siblings and the mum asked me and I said sure they could all come even though it was actually quite expensive for me. It is really difficult but i think as long as parents talk to each other if its the kind of party where you have to pay per head.

I nearly always have to take all my 3 and always pay for the other child and buy them separate food and even buy a party bag there if necessary.

If its a party at home/village hall kind of thing I think its best to be more relaxed about who comes as there's usually too much food anyway.

jamsambam · 04/07/2006 09:24

surely, in the grand scheme of things, there are more importent things than birthday parties and how many siblings appear...my ds2 went to a lovely steiner kindgarten and was taught that all children have the potential to be friends, regardless of age so the real problem here , imo, is that parenst dont like thier carefully planned parties to be interupted by having to think of other kids...and whose birthday is it???
there is an awnser, dont have a party.
simple.

im sure i will get roasted now...

niceglasses · 04/07/2006 09:30

Yep, probably roasted and labelled 'fluffy'. But for what its worth, I think your probably right.

SSSandy · 04/07/2006 09:35

Yes, I'll blast you : It's the CHILD's party. They invite THEIR friends and THEIR parents organise it for their child and those friends - not for a whole heap of other kids. I mean it's obvious

jamsambam · 04/07/2006 09:36

what does fluffly mean?? ive herd that before but im being dense!

Bozza · 04/07/2006 09:37

so jamsambam you think that mb should have been happy to fork out another £7.99 for an unexpected sibling?

mummyhill · 04/07/2006 09:38

Unfortunatly a lot of the time it comes down to budget. You want to keep your child happy by doing a party but money is a bit tight so you have to decide on venue, entertainment, no of kids invited food and party bags according to your budget. Therefore it is easier for me if people phone and ask if it is ok even if it is on the morning of the party. Tbh though if I know that a child has sibblings I do try to include them in the initial invite to save any difficulties later on.