A question for those with adult children

[MyHeartyTealBear]

If your dc were in hospital (an accident rather than an illness type situation?l) what specifically would you do to help out or offer assistance? If they told you they’d need quite a lengthy recovery period? As in, what as a parent would come naturally to you to do?

It doesn't mean those who can't do that aren't lovely. I have no spare beds, I'm a teacher, adult dcs live in totally different parts of the UK, younger dc still at home, still at school, it just wouldn't be possible. I can't take time off in term time. I take it this is a reverse? Also I take it you're sad that MUM isn't dropping everything. Ppl never have such expectations of the bewillied parents, do they? Same when it comes to elderly care. Always the females!

Absolutely anything they wanted, unlike my own mother , who was a crap mum

My sons are 31 and 29 and I’d do anything they need to me. If they need to come home then of course they can or I would go and stay with them if that would suit better.
There’s not much I wouldn’t do for my children.

We had this with albeit a younger adult child, but my actions would be pretty much the same regardless. Myself and my partner alternated shifts at the hospital to cover pretty much a 12-15 hr shift between us and minimised the possibility of our child having to deal with doctors etc when on a lot of pain meds and exhausted. We brought in hot food in thermos and tried our best to get them to eat. Helped to clean them. Reassured them. Watched them sleep. Advocated for them when necessary. Stayed for hours whilst they were in surgery. This was over the best part of two weeks. Then helped them rehabilitate at home. Delivering trays of food. Sitting with them to chat or be some entertainment when they weren’t mobile. Administered drugs. Ran them around to further appointments. If they were older and had a family I’d do the same whilst trying not to tread on toes and spreading the load between us. We are doing the same as an extended family now for a very sick family never. Accident or illness, it’s the same. You drop everything, you juggle and you help in any way possible.

Whatever they needed. They all know that this is their home whenever they want or need it.

My thoroughly unpleasant dad who had made our childhoods very difficult told my mum to tell me that because my son was too lively and might break his TV 🤷‍♀️ we weren't welcome. I wasn't allowed to visit my mum in my childhood home as a result. My children will never have to experience that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP

I would do whatever my adult DC wanted me to do, and wherever they wanted. Of course I would, I love them and have the time to help and support them.

I would do whatever they wanted me to do, so visiting them, bringing clothes or food, cleaning up their house etc while they were in hospital. I'm really sorry you don't have that, OP. My own parents would have expressed concern and that would have been about it. My siblings and I are very different from that.

I really hope you're OK and get better soon.

you’re not alone. I’ve had five operations and my parents didn’t only not ask if there was anything they could do to help, they never even asked me how I was recovering.

they only live an hour and a bit away.

I think there are few children of the silent generation who experienced love and affection like kids do now. I both love to see it and feel rather jealous of it. I would have loved to have been shown affection as a child.

my parents would be devastated if they knew how I feel. Silently.

They come home if they wanted to. Or I'd go to them whenever they felt they needed me to. And if they weren't coming home I would def be filling their freezer with home cooked meals.

I have wondered this too; I have three adult children with long standing partners.
I’d just do what was needed. If that meant them coming home to recuperate or me going down to them then we’d make it work.

Sorry OP. Just saw your updates. My parents were absolutely appalling. I'm sorry you are not getting the support you need. 🌺

My mum offers to drop me round dinners if I have a heavy cold*. I cannot imagine anything I needed help with would be too much. She is retired though, that probably makes a difference.

*She is only about a 5 minute drive away but even so I think it's very sweet, although I do decline... unless it is her lasagne.

Sorry I need more info , does the adult child have a children and h partner ? Do they have a table home etc ?

I also just remembered. When I was in my 30s, living overseas with two small children, I got seriously ill and had to have emergency surgery. It didn’t occur to my Mum to offer to come and give me a hand, but my DMIL jumped on the first Eurostar and stayed for 10 days to help out with the nursery school run etc until I was feeling better. She was also the one who came to stay when I had my first baby and did helpful things like cook and wash up, unlike my Mum who sat on the sofa saying “What do you have to do to get a cup of tea around here” and complaining that the bathroom wasn’t clean enough and the sitting room was cluttered.

At 21 I had a chemical burns accident at work, having left home to go to uni at 18, and I moved in with my parents to recuperate. I needed daily dressing changes and as my mum was a nurse it made sense and I was very grateful. I was there for a month.

Leaving aside the intention / desire, I’m interested in what those of you who are saying they would drop everything and go live with your child or have them move in and you’d provide daily care do for work. Would your employer let you take leave for an adult child for this? Unpaid? How would you then pay the bills?

This is a good point. My daughter works mainly from home and my injury is more an inconvenience as I can't walk rather than needing lots of care. If I was the caring one I would have to ask to work from home as I couldn't manage financially otherwise. Not everyone could do this obviously but if care was truly needed I guess there is no real choice.

Oh this is something I worry about occasionally. Both DC 32 & 34 live overseas, different continents. We would be on a flight ASAP and then take it from there and give support to them & our DILs.
I'm sorry your parents aren't showing you any care & wish you a speedy recovery. A big hug from me 🥰

I had to take my adult daughter into A&E recently. She required emergency surgery later the same day. Her boyfriend took me in for visiting twice and he brought her home after surgery. He stayed with us too.

There isn't anything I wouldn't have done to make sure she was ok

I'm sorry your parent(s) haven't provided the support you feel you needed. Without knowing both your circumstances it's difficult to say why it wasn't offered but I'd let them know what you would have liked.

I hope you're on the road to recovery.

I would do whatever they needed if it was possible for me to do. If they needed to come home they could. If they needed me to look after a pet I would.

Whatever you're going through OP, speedy recovery to you and lots of hugs 🫂 🤗
Today, I've just been wanting to jump on a plane to fly to see my son who's down with flu at Uni...but he insists he doesn't want me to!
So im just sitting here fretting and worrying and wondering if I should go visit him anyway?
Mumsnet....what would you suggest?

I had a situation with my lovely daughter earlier this year although it wasn't an accident it was a sudden and critical illness requiring emergency surgery. I have never felt so scared and helpless in my life and would have done anything to help her. What I did do apart from visits every day was clean her house. Look after her dog at my home. Support her partner who was spending all day at the hospital. After she was discharged and her partner had to return to work we offered emotional support helped with the dog. Took her to hospital appointments. Took her out with us when she was feeling up to it .Took her shopping and to hair appointments. Went on short walks. Sat in the garden with her. It was a bad time but we got through it. She is now awaiting further treatment an 8 to 10 hour operation involving 4 separate surgeons and I will do the same again and properly more.

Sorry OP, what is your relationship like with them in happier times?

My son lives with his fiancee so I would offer any help to her, and I'm sure she'd say it's fine because she's nice like that. Then I'd chat to her and arrange any practical help I could offer when we're 150 miles away.

My daughter is much closer, I'd go to her whenever possible - she took her bed when she moved out so she can't really come back here.

Tbh, if I had flu I probably wouldn't want a parent flying to see me. Maybe different if it's a really bad can't crawl out of bed any no one can bring me drinks etc situation.