A question for those with adult children

[MyHeartyTealBear]

If your dc were in hospital (an accident rather than an illness type situation?l) what specifically would you do to help out or offer assistance? If they told you they’d need quite a lengthy recovery period? As in, what as a parent would come naturally to you to do?

Mid 20s, motorbike accident, broken things and surgery. Several weeks in hospital, visited most days, took food and drink and clothes in. Brought him home to us for months while he healed. Who the fuck wouldn't do that?

@MyHeartyTealBear , not as lucky as I am to have them. I’m sorry if you are feeling let down or sad. Sending you a motherly hug. X

It depends on a lot of things I’m afraid. What type of an accident? What type of relationship did you have before? What can they practically do - do they have other children/caring responsibilities/a job? What would you do if the tables were turned?

All very relevant. If my alcoholic child who had stolen from me and emotionally abused me for years expected me to drop my life and care for them knowing they would go back to being emotionally abusive from day 1, I’d have a different reaction to, for example, my adult child who was working extremely hard, a lovely member of the family and supportive of me.

I would ask what I can do, but they all know they are welcome here anytime. If they chose to stay at home I would do whatever I could to help.

My youngest DS has moved back home while he waits for his house to go through. He is having an op on Monday and I will take him to the hospital for 7am and collect him afterwards, I will then be on hand to support his recovery, with pain killers etc. It is part of my role as a mother.
I am sorry if that isn't how it is for you OP, I hope you have supportive friends around you at this difficult time. Take it easy and I hope you are soon on the mend.

Whatever I could. They could come home if they wanted. I would also look after children, pets, houses or help financially if they wanted.

I’ll adopt you!
And as others have said I would do whatever I could. Single DD could bring her children here and I would take care of them. Married DD would be different but on one occasion I stayed there for a week until she was safely mobile. I cooked lots of meals for their freezer.
Do I get the job?

Do you want to talk about it? We can offer virtual support? Xxx

I would tell them to come home and I would love and cherish and nurse them back to health, with the support of their wider family and siblings.

@MyHeartyTealBear You’re not on your own, I live with my MIL and am receiving chemotherapy, I am immunocompromised and her only concern is about herself, what she’s got for tea etc, she does things like putting raw chicken with salad, even after explaining the importance of very good food hygiene (she’s a nurse so should know all this anyway) my own mother I had a text saying ‘ sorry for your news I hear you’ve started treatment’ - that was it!
Take care of yourself, but you’ll be surprised how friends will really step up and offer help-the hardest bit is to accept, I hope you recover quickly x

DD1 lives overseas and had an operation last year which meant that her mobility was severely impacted. I went out to see her once she was out of hospital, and did loads of shopping and cooking for her. She regained her mobility much faster than anticipated, and the rest of my week with her was spent hanging out, going to nice restaurants, the beach etc. There was no point in her coming home as she had to have several hours of physio every day.

Both my children have spouses but I would give whatever support is needed, including food, travel to appointments, childcare etc. I can’t offer a bed but would definitely do so if I could. I know my mum would do exactly the same if it was me, sadly she is no longer with us.

I assume you are the adult injured child, to really answer I would need to know what the injury was and what you expect your parents to do? Also how physically close they live to you and how physically capable they are.

Like most posts say I would do anything I could to help but how much that was would depend on various factors. Flying round the world might not be feasible nor physical lifting, money as much (or more) as I could afford to pay for help if I couldn't though.

I would offer to have them to stay with me as long as needed

Ask

So sorry you’re feeling uncared for, OP, especially when you’ve been unwell. Like all the other posters here, I’d be there unconditionally for either of my adult children (and their DPs), and offer as much or as little help as they wanted or needed.

But you’ll be getting a biased sample here - your question is much more likely to be answered by people in that camp than by the ones who wouldn’t care or would see it as an inconvenience. It’s not such a good look to pop onto a thread and announce you CBA with your own kids when they need you, but I suspect it’s not an uncommon experience, per @TinyGingerCat’s post.

Have another hug and consider yourself virtually adopted by the lovely mums here 💐

Id do whatever I had to to help them.
It depends on their circumstances really. My adult children both have partners and their own homes. If they didn't I would try and persuade them to come home to recover. As they do I would support them in whatever way they wanted

Ideally they would come home so I/we could help them, yes with partner if applicable

If they didn't want to do that it is rather tricky because I care for my husband who is disabled and has cancer, plus youngst two children still school age. However I would go help, do their shopping drive them to appointments or whatever whenever I was able.

My own mother has never been particularly in to the idea of mothering her adult children still. Therefore she wouldn't even offer to help if she could. I might get a lovely card in tbe post though, so that is something.

I’d do anything - my daughter is nearly 29 but it’s always been just the two of us, she knows my love for her is unconditional.

My parents were different though - not wrong, just a very different generation and approach. They weren’t able to cope with anything that wasn’t within their limits.

I’d do anything and everything for them. I’m their mum and they’re everything to me. Always will be. I’m here for them until my last breath. I’m so, so sorrry if you don’t get the love and support from your parents that you should get. x

I’d ask them what they needed.
Come home for a while , popping in and out for support and do what I could .
Even-if they had a partner it might mean they could get on with work etc knowing there is someone looking after their partner.

Depends on what they needed. If they could manage at home, then I would support them by helping with shopping, meals, washing etc. If they needed more care, and were happy to, I would bring them home, and care for them, subject to work and other commitments etc. until they felt well enough and able to manage at home.

I’d offer for them to come back home whilst they recovered.

We would(and have) brought DS back home to recuperate after a serious operation . On a different occasion 10 years later, we travelled to the country where he was then living to look after him for a few days after a more minor op ( but still involving full anaesthetic).
OP, I’m really sorry you’re not getting the love and support you need at this time.

It would depend. How far away they live, what support they need, how long recovery will be, do they have a partner, if I was working full time/part time/retired, have other commitments like caring for others. Would always happily have them back home for a bit assuming I had room and it worked re their injuries.

So Dd is mid 20s and two hours away. I would of course say she could come home if she needed to once discharged. I do work full time but while she was in hospital I’d go over every weekend to see her, take her anything she needed, etc.

Are you ok OP, are you still in hospital? Sounds like your parents haven’t offered the support you would like. How would they likely receive it if you told them this? Are you thinking they’re like this because they don’t care? Is there any chance they don’t realise and need it spelling out to them? Sometimes with Dd I don’t know what she wants from me.

I don’t know whether she wants me to ring her more or whether she wants me to leave her alone and not bother her. 🤷‍♀️😀. I probably should ask her!