A question for those with adult children

[MyHeartyTealBear]

If your dc were in hospital (an accident rather than an illness type situation?l) what specifically would you do to help out or offer assistance? If they told you they’d need quite a lengthy recovery period? As in, what as a parent would come naturally to you to do?

They could come home for me to look after them, this would be my reply the whole time I am able to! Obviously their partner could come too. Or if they wanted to stay at their home. I would offer to batch cook, clean do whatever they needed.

Bless you, I hope you feel better soon.

As with others, I would have my twenty something girls back home. Their rooms are still "their rooms". I have one living at home at the moment, incidentally also after an accident, and she will now stay with me until she can afford her own home. Other daughter has her own home but comes to visit regularly, and often when she is ill or needs some tlc. We all go in holiday together too, so a pretty close family anyway.

I had this recently, youngest DS had an accident: fell off a Lime bike. He texted from A&E & I got the message in the morning. His rented accommodation is up several flights of stairs & he was on crutches. I offered for him to recuperate at mine & he agreed. His friends (flatmates) helped him for a day until I could pick him up (2hr drive) & bring him “home”. He arranged to wfh & stayed for a couple of weeks. He arranged for his dressing to be changed at the local surgery & got the train back when he could weight bear again on his foot.

We (my husband and I) would do anything we could to help. My adult children now have spouses and their own children but we would do anything we could or they wanted us to do. They never stop being your children and while you can help them.

DD who lives overseas, needed an op with a recovery period. She had the op in London then flew to us a few days later. We ensured she did nothing but relax and take the time needed to fully recover. A further op now she has two children saw us travel from our home to provide two months of childcare for the pre-schooler and baby. We’d do everything needed to help - most parents would - although appreciate it’s easier for us to do this as we are retired and able to drop everything.

DD lives a 4 hour drive away but I went down and stayed with her when her DP (now DH), had to return to work. She was 2 weeks into recovery and I used A/L for the following 2 weeks. I did de-camp to a nearby hotel for a night during her DH;s rest days, just to give them a bit of space

My adult DC aren’t married so I’d assume they’d move home till they were better. If they had families I guess I might come and go to do what they needed me to do - help with DC etc. If you are the adult DC and not being supported I’m very sorry.

I am sorry you are unwell and that you feel your parents have fallen short when it comes to support. That must feel hurtful.
I am guessing your relationship might have had its ups and downs in the past. At this stage do you feel you want to ask them for help? Do they know you are disappointed in them?
Is there anywhere else you can turn for help? ... siblings, friends wider family?
Wishing you a speedy recovery.

I am the same with my 28 year old - but that’s because he’s hard working and has had a bit of a crappy time- I think I would feel less generous if he wasa lazy git etc - I’m sorry you seem to be feeling unsupported OP -

They are very welcome to move back home and I'd look after them.

Practically speaking, they all work in cities a long way away from me so I'm limited to what I can do for them if they want to stay in their own flats whilst recovering. One child is an 11 hour drive away, for eg. I can't pop over with meals or do their shopping.

But however old they are they can always come home, for as long as they need and I'll put a roof over their head and feed them.

I'd help them whatever way I could but things were not quite so straightforward with my parents and I doubt they were with dh's parents either.

@MyHeartyTealBear

My DS1 had a near fatal accident (he was not expected to live) and was in ICU for weeks, then a few more on a med/surg floor. He was married at the time, no children. His then-wife and I did 'shifts' at the hospital during his stay. I did 'days' (8 am til 2 or 3pm) and she did 'nights' (3 pm till around 10 pm). I'd swap with her if need be.

I wasn't needed for care in his home as his then-wife was there as well as various visiting care teams but I ran errands, brought food, and was available to sit with him when needed.

If he had been single I'd have been there 24/7 for as long as needed. But I'm retired and my two sons are on their own so I didn't have any other responsibilities.

Lovey, I'd adopt you in a heartbeat if I wasn't 5000 miles away.

Sending you an old-mum hug and wishes for strength and a speedy recovery.

My adult DC know they can always come home and DH and I would help them and care for them until they were ready to go back to their own home and I'd pop over 3 times a day to feed youngest DS's 2 cats too. I'm lucky because I have 3 spare bedrooms so plenty of room for them.

I'm sorry you have been in hospital, OP, and even sorrier that your parents have shown so little care.

In answer to your question, I would want to do as much as I possibly could for my dd in that scenario. She might be an adult, but she will always be my child, and I would be keen to do as much as I could to ease things for her. But I would also be guided by what she actually wanted me to do.

I would probably offer to move in with them for the duration of their recovery, so I could keep the house running, do the school runs, do the shopping, do the laundry, cook the meals and so on. It would be very tiring, but I think it's what I would do.

I would invite them to stay with me for as long as needed. If they wanted to be in their own space I would ask if they wanted me to stay with them.
If they didn't want that, I'd offer to go over as much as they wanted.

But, my own mother completely ignored the fact that I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage whilst I was staying at her house for the week. I drove myself to hospital, stayed there on my own, drove myself back, and then had the rest of the stay at her house without her ever mentioning it or asking me how I was. So you have my complete empathy OP. I would adopt you, but you'd have to put up with my 16 and 17 year olds.

I would do anything for my 3 adult children!
If they were in hospital for any reason, I would be there. Any care they needed, I would provide
Im getting that your parents are not on board with thus, and that is sad.

18 or 48 with 3 teenagers?
with a partner or without?
nearby or far away?

You're being too vague.

I would and have done whatever they needed. They know they’re always welcome at home.

My DD had a baby this week and I was at the hospital to visit and bring treats and will be at her beck and call to help if she asks me (she’s quite independent, so I’m not thinking it’ll be constant!).

Grown up or not, they’re still my kids!

Unless they were married and had their own immediate family, I would offer them the chance to move in with me for a while so I could help them rehabilitate

Absolutely anything to help without getting in the way.

My ds is 18, at uni, first year. I'd collect him from hospital, bring him home, as much nursing as it took to get back on his feet, then take him back to uni, ensure he was settled etc.

However, my f kicked me out the first time at 15. When I left at 18 to go to uni I did so entirely without their support, and unless I made the effort, I would never have seen then again.

Different parents, different involvement. Selfish or lazy people make selfish or lazy parents. Expecting them to be something else gets you nowhere.

Depends on what they want or need.
Recent help included housework and company when I needed it...daily calls...which were great to keep you level headed
Someone offering any food delieveries if needed..although its easier nowdays to get delieveries from anywhere.
I would ask and offer to help being a caring person.

I know but you could be 21 or 60! My initial answer was going to be more than they are offering you I expect.