A question for those with adult children

[MyHeartyTealBear]

If your dc were in hospital (an accident rather than an illness type situation?l) what specifically would you do to help out or offer assistance? If they told you they’d need quite a lengthy recovery period? As in, what as a parent would come naturally to you to do?

Mine as just adults and a school age teen still at home. Any of them could come home and stay for as long as they like. My own parents, in their late 70's, would fly from Australia to come and help me if they need arose.

I'm sorry you're unwell and have parents who won't help you💐💐

When my DP had his gallbladder removed ( only minor surgery I know) I was pregnant and caring for a toddler. MIL flew from abroad to come and stay with us and help us out for 5 weeks. He was only in recovery for two but she spent the other 3 weeks helping me out. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her to be honest!

I would do whatever was practicable.

For those saying you would go and stay with them for however long it takes assume you don’t have other responsibilities like work or caring for others and DC don’t live miles away.

@MyHeartyTealBear Just because some parents would do something for their children, doesn't really mean you can expect it of your own, unfortunately. Those are two different things.

People parent in extremely different ways. For example, some parents put £££'s away for their children's future, pay their uni fees, etc. Some don't because they feel their children should pay their own way (even if they could have).

Some parents would allow their adult children to live with them for as long as they need to, others would insist they pay rent or leave by a certain age.

People just see things in different ways.

It doesn't necessarily mean your parents are better or worse or right or wrong.

if you're feeling sad about what your parents are/ aren't doing for you, I think it's actually not going to help you starting a thread asking what other people would do for their adult kids.

When I was in my 20’s, with a new baby, I had surgery on my foot which meant I couldn’t move around easily. My parents offered nothing, did nothing other than visit and watch me struggle around with my baby, while they drank tea. I’m a completely opposite parent to my, now adult, children. They know I’ll help them in a heartbeat. In your situation, I’d imagine you need help with practical things, cooking etc. I’d come to you if you were more comfortable in your own home, or you could rest up at mine while I enjoy looking after you.

To add, I work full time from home but depending on the circumstances we’d make it work. My laptop can be set up anywhere.

Adult DS lives alone but only 5 miles away. We are retired but fit and active so we would help him in whatever way he needed. If he wanted to come back home, he knows his room is always here.
When he was at Uni 150 miles away, he had minor day surgery which made it difficult (but not impossible) for him to walk. We didn't go and visit. He just managed by himself - including getting Ubers to and from hospital and Deliveroo for shopping/take aways.

Depends how serious the injuries are
and whether DC1 or 2. DC1 lives alone but DC2 doesn’t so DC1 would potentially need more help. I’m not well myself so I have limits but I would do whatever I could to help (which obviously might not be a huge amount). My DCs do not live that close to me (different cities) but we are a close knit family and care a lot about each other. DC1 is very caring towards DC2 which makes my heart sing.

Lots of factors - would depend on the situation. From what you’ve written it could be anything. Serious accident incapacitating them or minor injury they’ve decided will need support (my kids wouldn’t act like that but one of my friends children has no resilience and I’ve supported her tough love - not saying this is you at all, but without details there could be a range of appropriate responses.

Depends as well on the parent. Are they in good health? Disabled? Looking after others? What’s their general load like? Full time stressful job?

I’d absolutely have my kids home if needed and so would my friends. But also I’m seeing how much expectation and load is placed on women throughout their lives to the point I’m seeing some friends in mid life break because they’re looking after everyone. So your question is too vague. Sometimes looking after an adult might be far more strain on someone who is already overloaded than the adult child with the injury is experiencing.

We would go to the hospital and check in on them regularly . If they have partners and children then I’d offer to have their children when I can. If the child is single I’d ask her to come home to recover. If she couldn’t because of pets then I’d stay there for a bit. Really depends on the situation and what the child wants to do. But it also depends on what the parent feels able to do. Some parents in their older years may also have disabilities and not able to cope with caring for anyone other than themselves.

I was in this situation with an adult child abruptly taken to hospital in emergency situation. She needed emergency surgery and I stayed at the hospital- it was at the end of Covid and her dh asked me to be with her. Then I stayed for part of her recovery at her home. I was 2 hours away when I got the call as I live 90 minutes drive away

This . We have had adult kids boomerang back for various reasons ( not illness ) if they were recovering and wanted to go home I would go back and forth at intervals ( 2 hour journey each way ) but I am retired and my time is my own different if you have other commitments of course

Our 2nd DS was at Uni,his 2nd year so he was 19. It was 2 hours drive and he had messaged to say he wasn't well.
I called him in the afternoon after work and he sounded very poorly, he had antibiotics for strep throat.
I told him that I was driving up to get him once I’d picked up his DSis from school, our eldest DS came along too to help navigate.
He was slightly reluctant at first, but I said for him to come home, rest, have his antibiotics then go back.
We bought him lots of smoothies, ice lollies, his throat was very sore
He was home from the Friday night to the following Wednesday, he wasnt 100% but he needed to go back for study work.
He’s now living up in Edinburgh, he has a cold at the moment, ( who hasn't?!) feeling rough but he’s looking after himself-
sorry to hear your parents don't help you
I don't understand why this happens, theres a-lot of emotional neglect sometimes. Some parents I’ve known cannot wait til their children reach 18 then they almost push them away saying thats it, we’ve done our bit!
Myself and my siblings were close to our parents, we all had independent lives but they helped us when it was needed.
When I was off work for a couple of days with morning sickness with our eldest, my DM came round and cooked a bit for me, sat with me , very special time.
Hope you recover well 💐

I became seriously ill at 29 and moved in with my DPs for a few months. The Hospital insisted that I was not fit to live alone. DF did most of everything for me, M has never been good at caring but she didn’t object to me moving in. I think though that she realised how this would be perceived by the wider family and her friends and DF may well have chosen to look after me rather than live with her.

I know it’s not what you asked, but perhaps to help you feel less alone and balance the previous answers. In a situation when we were struggling due to medical issues, ILs offered help, but I needed to ask for a specific task to be done and give very clear instructions. They would have gotten overwhelmed if i asked for more than one or two occasions of help, or if i had asked for anything they didn’t feel confident about (eg driving somewhere new) so it’s not really worth the mental labour most of the time to come up with something they can do to help. and they would never take any initiative to just do something that might be helpful like preparing a meal.
And DM continued to ask me for favours and forgot to ask how I was.
All would insist they ‘would do anything’ for us, and I’m sure they believe it too.

I'd offer to stay at their home for a bit until they are able to cope.
I would offer to coordinate services.
I would bring meals, do washing.
I would ask about finances and if we can help DC keep afloat while in recovery.
I would drive to appointments and understand what it requires for DC to overcome the accident.
I would only do as much as DC is happy for me to do.
I would hope that I could go home a fair bit, as I know my capacity and I tire easily.

What’s your actual situation op?

Im the adult child - in my 50s, single, 4hrs away. One living parent.

She (in her 70s) would come to me, but realistically short-term (2-3 weeks). And if she couldn't, she'd send my brother (4hrs in a different direction!). Longer term Id probably go to her but it would depend on getting pet care which is the awkward part. We'd work something out.

I'm 2 months in from shattering my kneecap and having to keep my leg elevated. I have been on my own for the majority of that time and these are the things that would really help/have helped from my personal experience.

If you can have them come stay with you or you stay with them particularly at the start it would make a big difference, but give space as early recovery is exhausting and painful.

Help with shopping, washing, food prep so a meal can be popped in the microwave to avoid having to stand for long.

If they are on their own and on crutches,, an across the body bag to transport essentials, pain killers etc. A cup with a screw top lid for drinks that can be popped in the bag.

A lap tray if unable to sit at a table, this can also be pushed along the floor if needed.

Company, check in when you can, even if just over the phone. It can get very lonely.

If unable to shower, large wet wipe type cloths.

Check what you can get aid wise free of charge, eg rails for the toilet, helps massively.

Anything they needed.

Neither of mine have spouses/serious partners yet, so I’d either suggest they come home or pop in to see them regularly. I’d also do a supermarket trip/order for them.

But we live 20 mins apart so that makes it easier!

Do you have an aunt/uncle or godmother/godfather who you could call on?

Anything I could. They’re always welcome to move back home if needed, with partners or I stay there & look after them. They’re always your kids so why wouldn’t you. On the other hand I’ve been seriously ill on more than one occasion & it really hurts that my DP’s didn’t always show up - not just gif me but to support my DH & DCs

Anything at all i could help with there 21 and 26

I think it really depends on lots if variables OP:

1. Age - a young adult is more likely to need support than an established older adult with a partner/children of their own.
2. The nature of the relationship ie are they close and get on well or was it a rocky relationship before the child left home.
3. How fit and healthy are the parents? Do they have other caring responsibilities?

This. We have it in reverse at present as I'm the patient on crutches and am currently at my daughter's house with her family. Many years ago she came home when a student because if an accident needing some recovery time and trips to outpatients. This is what you do for family if possible.

Fyi most ppl dont see boards, just see a list of posts in the daily email. Mixture of themes. I've never been on the actual platform in my life. Reading all this either on Facebook or in Gmail.

This! And I did go home, with husband, toddler and dog in tow:)