How often do you hear from adult children after they move out?

[Hithismyname]

How often did you see or speak to your child once they moved out. I understand that the distance makes a huge difference but even a phone call, did they still bother?

My 24 year old son, only child, moved in with his girlfriend 3 months ago. I’ve found it hard to know how often and how to contact him, miss him.
A couple of weeks ago I messaged him snd said I was missing him and could we meet up for a walk in the park.
He came to meet me and it was nice.
I think sometimes we have to tell them what we need x

We are all really busy, and don't get to see each other as much as we would like. We have a family WA group and post most days.

We don’t tend to chat on the phone that much but have WhatsApp chats ongoing through the week. DD tends to come for the weekend about every 6 weeks.

My DS is at Uni, funnily he communicates more while he’s at uni than when he’s home. Two or three times a week he will have a What’s App conversation. If he does ring he always puts me on speaker so his flatmates can join the conversation.
When he’s home he spends his evenings gaming with friends but they have a Group FaceTime at the same time, something that they got used to over the lockdowns. They preferred to see each other rather than wearing headphones. It’s now normal to be greeted by a chorus of hellos when I go into his room.
I do get some very random What’s Apps from him at times. The most recent one was asking me how tall I am. One of his housemates and a longterm friends was claiming to be taller than he is, since I am the one person they know who is closest in height to him, their first thought was to check with me. I was picking up my DS a few days later and they asked me to try and stand next to said friend without being too obvious, just to double check.

I am also their default mum for culinary advice. I often get requests for recipes and instructions.

I don’t expect a regular phone call. But do enjoy the entertaining texts and photos he sends me. We both enjoy the same cynical, dry sense of humour and whenever the international rugby matches are televised we spend time exchanging comments. His degree course revolves around sport, specifically rugby so his commentary is often much better than the TV pundits/commentators.
I wish we had had What’s App and text when my parents were alive. I recently came across the brief but entertaining letters my father sent me as a student. He would have loved the medium of text. I miss his humour and observations and of course his encyclopaedic knowledge.

@Lizzbear thats true sometimes need to tell them. Unfortunately he too far away to meet for a walk or coffee.

Ds communicates much more when he is at uni than when he is at home. Lots of WhatsApp messages each day. No actual phone calls. Now he’s home I barely see him.

I find that they react better to direct and random questions rather than ‘how are you’ or ‘everything ok’ messages.

what are you having for dinner is often a good starting point

Everyone is different. I never phoned my parents - I wrote a letter once a week, because I was told I had to 😂 I still hate making phone calls - I don't understand what people find to talk about, when they speak every day.
But, less is more, surely? When kids first move out, they need to be able to get on with their lives, not stress about the folks- if they're not in touch, that means they're just living - has to be good, surely?

Are you asking if he is ok all the time or is that a figure of speech? Try and keep it lighter if you can.

Yes chat like this so it doesn't sound too intense.

@Lomonald it's a figure of speech, its what he always says to me even back home. We say are you alright or OK? Its like saying hello for us.

@TubeScreamer I do ask that and he doesn't answer lol.

I would message him once a month with a “when is a good time to catch-up for a chat on the phone?”
Then Your’re making it clear you want to chat to him sometimes x

My DS is 21 but still at home, my mum lives just a 5 minute walk away and we can go weeks and weeks without speaking or seeing each other, DH lives 45 minutes away and sees them around 2/3 times per year no phone calls/texts. I hope my DS is closer to us when he moves out.

DS at least every couple of days but I’d say 5 days out of 7 we WhatsApp and speak every few days. DD every day without fail, in fact multiple times a day for messaging and chat on the phone or FaceTime daily.

We FaceTime once a week for around ninety minutes, although the phones are on the tablets, so we don’t actually see each other, but just chat.

I speak to my mum pretty much everyday via text or FaceTime or call. We see each other maybe twice a month.

DD (21) shares videos and messages a few times a week. She rings when she feels like it, on average about once a week unless she wants to offload about something or has a question.

Today she rang to moan about a coworker at her summer job who sounds like a right pain!

I agree with @Lizzbear that it would be a good idea to ask your DS when would be a good time to call. My Mum made it clear (back in the Dark Ages pre-mobiles) that she wanted to keep in touch with me and we had a weekly phone call. Sometimes we changed the day/time, but if you generally have a good relationship, there's nothing wrong with saying that you'd like to have a chat.

Ds moved out for uni and ever since then I call him every week, used to be Sunday now Monday. I don’t really care if his generation don’t do phone calls, I want to hear his voice as you can’t tell how someone is at all from a message, though we have quite good if delayed WhatsApp exchanges during the week. I ask questions and try to give him
time to answer which is a little bit painful as there are pauses (on his laptop I guess) but I also burble a bit about what I’ve been up to. I did wonder if he found it a burden but he’s said a couple of times he looks forward to it. He’s slowly got better at chatting and I’ve got better at talking about real interesting things that are genuinely on my mind, an adult conversation. To me it’s not a given that he will stay in this country, tbh I hope he will in the long term, but I wanted to establish that we speak regularly wherever he is. I go and visit about once every six to eight weeks, but he’s home every now and then so we see each other more often than that.

If your son is actively messaging you he’s reaching out. I would call him. Be a bit proactive. Wouldn’t you rather be slightly too much than less than he wants?

I just have one son

we probably speak / Watsapp most days even if it’s for a quick - Hi how are you

I see him often even if it’s just cos he is popping in as he wants something .
my Dh ( his stepdad ) also see him probably a bit more than me as he will drop of parcels for him

he and his partner live a 10 min drive away but I don’t have a key to their house but my DH has a key but we would never enter the house uninvited .

I do make the effort to arrange a meal out or a brunch get together every few months with both of them

last year I paid for them both to go on holiday with us for week which was great fun they came for a week and we had a really nice time with them both

when my son was single i would often take him on holiday even when he was in his twenties and we have been to some amazing places together

I think you do have to make the effort though
arrange stuff that they are interested in and be prepared to pay for meals out and stuff

@PermanentTemporary I agree, there's no harm in establishing the habit of regular contact if you have a good relationship.

Unfortunately, any expectations of adult children to stay in touch are often labelled "controlling" now, which I find bizarre. I didn't feel controlled when my Mum said that she'd like to chat once a week, it wasn't set in stone, she just wanted to hear my voice! With texting, it's so much easier anyway, you can check they're alive even if they don't have time for a chat. 😂

My DS moved out about 3 years ago. I get invited over for a meal about once every 10 days. He's an excellent cook. He rings if he's at a local supermarket to ask if I need milk or bread as he has to pass my house to get to his house. He sometimes pops by for a coffee for half an hour on his way out to meet with friends. If I'm cooking homemade lasagne I text him and he will come to dinner if he doesn't have other plans. My eldest DS lived about 180 miles away and works long hours but always rings me once a week, texts me occasionally and we meet up about 6 times a year. My DD lives about 200 miles away and also works and is busy bringing up my 2 DGC. She rings me about once every 3 weeks, I get video calls with DGC about once a month and we text most weeks. We meet up in person about 4-5 times a week but she, her DH and 2 DGC did come on holiday for a week with me and DH last year. It's not all one way traffic. I ring each DC once a week and often text across something I think they will find funny or like.

We speak and see each other quite often. We do lots of things together as a family, including my children’s in-laws.

DD eldest, lives 100 miles away, we text once a week on average, talk on phone every 3-4 weeks and see each other once every two months (all on average). Two sons both local, see them once a week and message a few times a week. I have friends whose daughters ring every day and they are constantly messaging, I know my daughter would find that too much so I am sort of led by her really. All are single.

WhatsApp once a week, chat once a fortnight see them once a month.
It’s enough for me I still have one child living at home. She hears from them more than us.
We are very close and if needed drop everything to help each other.