Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

DP (4+ years) has moved in and within less than 2 months DD22 wants to move out. DD has always been tricky to live with, but now with a 3rd person she hasn’t adapted at all, seems annoyed, on edge or trying to pick fights all the time. DP eventually lost his cool,
answered back and next thing I know, she’s screaming she hates him, he shouldn’t be living with us, all sorts. It was honestly a worrying scene. I managed to calm her down but it became a “me or him” scenario.

She confided in my mum that she feels she’s never a priority, but she’s been nothing but my priority for the last 14 years after her father passed. I kept waiting for her to take her time moving out (ie, uni) but it hasn’t happened and I feel like 5 years is enough time to move a relationship forward.

I don’t know what to do. The consensus seems to be let her leave but keep in touch and if it doesn’t work out she can always come home (obviously) but I am quite worried we’ll just become distant.
The alternative is ending my relationship, which is obviously also not what I want at all either. But how can I be in a relationship my DD dislikes when her opinion is the most important one to me?

I’m also worried for her MH as this situation seems to be way overblown, among other issues. Her attachment to me is starting to worry me because it feels more similar to that of a young teenager rather than a young adult. I’m not sure how to approach it with her without offending her again or making her feel unwanted.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for, maybe any words of wisdom? Thank you for reading.

@PinkFrogss she has, she paid the deposit (I have offered to cover it if she changed her mind and was just a rushed decision) and she’s meant to move in when she’s back from holidays.

The positive is that it’s within walking distance from her workplace (she often complains about public transport to the point of crying), but it’s 4 other people sharing (mixed genders), all older than her, so she’ll definitely have to do all the things that she complains about having to do here. And the bedroom is slightly smaller than hers (which she also always complained about) so I honestly don’t understand. She’s just moving to a more uncomfortable and expensive situation over a spat about laundry.

Maybe it’s what a PP said and she’ll feel like she’s in equal footing there.

Well her new housemates certainly won’t put up with her hogging the washing machine, leaving dirty dishes out etc and I’m sure she’ll be expected to do more cleaning there than you expect her to do. I think she’s in for a bit of a rude awakening but she needs it.

Hopefully she’ll be ringing you up to rant about her housemates and ask to come over for dinner and your relationship will start to veer back into the right track

It's understandable after 14 years just the two of you. In this dynamic you can pay attention to her every whim and need, but the reality is she is a young adult and she has to accept you have needs and wants of your own, that she is now an adult who will hopefully develop a separate life of her own and that is perfectly OK. She is maybe trying to block you by upsetting you with plans to move out, but if I were you, I'd embrace those and support her in her efforts to live independently, whilst at the same time making it clear that she is welcome home anytime. It is a big life change for her, but firstly changes ARE hard and that isn't a reason not to make them, and secondly, it's not a once and for all decision. If things go wrong (for her, not you) then you will be there to support her in whatever way is needed.

IMO she's trying to bully you into submission through bad behaviour and allowing this will only make things worse. Young people historically move away from home. I left and came back briefly due to circumstances several times over my early 20s, solely due to not having established my career. Having had the freedom, nothing on earth would have made me want to live long term with them - although we got on well and they were perfectly accepting of what I did.

I'd stick to your guns but be very sympathetic and willing to help her problem solve. If you are worried about her wasting money on rent, can you not save up what you will now not be spending on her needs instead - and presumably you'll also be better off sharing expenses with a partner- you can then give her the money when it's needed?

She needs to stand on her own feet, not yours.

@Onelifeonly I have some CC debt of my own that I’ve accrued over the last 4 years while she was at home - this isn’t to say I had a problem with her being at home, it was just that my salary was 2 adults was a very, very tight fit and sometimes not enough. I’ll probably clear it out by the end of the year.

DD is in a very good financial position (savings + inheritance), she has enough money to put down for a deposit, she just doesn’t want to. I was saying waste but in the sense that if she stayed at home she’d be saving a lot more, but other than that she’s not struggling. She’s very good at budgeting for herself.

She’s not good at budgeting for herself she’s good at keeping all of her money saved whilst she depends on you.

I understand that it’s just been the two of you for a long time and you’ve probably over compensated for that but she seems rather spoiled, entitled and quite frankly not very nice especially towards you.

She doesn’t seem to even consider your feelings and happiness.

@DaisyChain505 I definitely think I overcompensated, I just really wanted her to have an advantage in life as I don’t have any parents I can truly rely on and will never have any inheritance etc so I know how difficult it can be to start from 0.

And I completely understand your reasoning and know it came from a place of love but unfortunately it has now caused your daughter to think she is number one in every aspect of life and she is disregarding other people feelings and happiness.

You need to be strong and not be scrambling to try and fix this and make her happy. You can tell her you love her and that you want to still see her and work on the relationship etc but you don’t need to be throwing yourself on the floor begging for her time and forgiveness.

You deserve happiness and to be able to put yourself and your relationship in a place of importance and she unfortunately needs to learn some tough lessons about how she isn’t the main character in everyone’s lives.