Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

DP (4+ years) has moved in and within less than 2 months DD22 wants to move out. DD has always been tricky to live with, but now with a 3rd person she hasn’t adapted at all, seems annoyed, on edge or trying to pick fights all the time. DP eventually lost his cool,
answered back and next thing I know, she’s screaming she hates him, he shouldn’t be living with us, all sorts. It was honestly a worrying scene. I managed to calm her down but it became a “me or him” scenario.

She confided in my mum that she feels she’s never a priority, but she’s been nothing but my priority for the last 14 years after her father passed. I kept waiting for her to take her time moving out (ie, uni) but it hasn’t happened and I feel like 5 years is enough time to move a relationship forward.

I don’t know what to do. The consensus seems to be let her leave but keep in touch and if it doesn’t work out she can always come home (obviously) but I am quite worried we’ll just become distant.
The alternative is ending my relationship, which is obviously also not what I want at all either. But how can I be in a relationship my DD dislikes when her opinion is the most important one to me?

I’m also worried for her MH as this situation seems to be way overblown, among other issues. Her attachment to me is starting to worry me because it feels more similar to that of a young teenager rather than a young adult. I’m not sure how to approach it with her without offending her again or making her feel unwanted.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for, maybe any words of wisdom? Thank you for reading.

In the nicest possible way she’s 22 so she’s a grown woman. It’s not like you’ve just met the guy and moved him in. Of course it’s something she needs to adjust too as you’ve said it’s been you 2 for 14 years but you are entitled to move on and be happy. Are you supposed to wait until she moved out until then?

@Meadowfinch he’s not a random bloke
though, she’s seem him pretty much weekly for ages now. I would completely understand if it was a brand new relationship, but it really isn’t the case. I also waited a long time before letting him stay over, we have honestly taken it as slow as possible.

@HaveYouFedTheFish she’s wanting to
go to a houseshare, not rent a full place, which is boggling my mind even more because she’ll be in the same situation but with strangers.
My friend also said to try and keep it positive, but how can I feel positive about my child feeling unloved? I feel between a rock and a hard place.

You say your DP thinks she'll be back, has she actually left then?

A house share would be the natural move for someone at her age, it will be a very different dynamic to being at home but with you two living as a couple there.

It’s a tough one. What discussions did you have with her before hand? Was she in favour of it?

i personally don’t think you can always judge her by ‘normal’ standards. She’s grown up without a dad around and it sounds like she doesn’t have any siblings? It’s been you and her for a long, long time - most of her life in fact. So that’s her norm, she hasn’t really had to share either you or her personal space with anyone, ever. And now she’s got this bloke around all the time 🤦‍♀️ and she can’t get away from him. And she had to share you 24/7. And his stuff is everywhere. And it isn’t like it was - and she was perfectly happy with things the way they were - so why can’t you be?? I can feel her pain, I can see why she’s being stroppy.

can you make her moving on a positive thing? Maybe it’s the little shine she needs to do some of the exciting things that she had planned. And she doesn’t have to worry about you being lonely.

No sorry, I meant he thinks she’ll move out, realise how costly it is and move back in.

He’s severely underestimating my daughter’s willpower.

I think you need to acknowledge that it may well be difficult for her- the dynamic in her ‘home’ has completely changed.
but likewise she’s old enough to make the decision to move out at 22. I work with graduates and most of them live independently from their parents.

How would he know? He doesn't know her.

The rules of healthy relationships are very different from the rules of unhealthy relationships.

When people have the capacity to navigate relationships healthily then all sorts or compromises and understanding and complexities can be considered on both sides.

When people approach relationships from an unhealthy position like the OP’s relationship with her daughter then applying blanket “normal” rules becomes unsustainable.

@2026problemsandDDcanbeone Clearly your daughter has developed a very complicated, codependent and enmeshed relationship with you as her mother since her father passed away.

That will be a pattern for all of her future relationships unless she starts to confront this and confronting it will be painful.

We have a lovely sister in law who has similar relationship patterns and people find relationships with her difficult too, quite overwhelming, demanding and draining. She is genuinely a nice and a good person but her childhood messed her up.

People do have to step back from her a lot and she has not yet been able to confront why this happens to her. Hopefully your daughter will get there eventually.

What did he say?

Did he really need to say it?

He’s been a part of her life for years now and she did talk to him quite a lot, so I’d say he knows her fairly well. Not as well as I do of course, but well.

I think I remember your last post - are you buying her hair masks, skincare etc?

If so (and apologies if I’m thinking of a different poster) then it’s time for you to start treating her as her age. Can you afford to help her move out if this is what she wants?

@2026problemsandDDcanbeone No-one, I don't think, has picked up yet on ''She confided in my mum that she feels she’s never a priority, but she’s been nothing but my priority for the last 14 years after her father passed.''

Children and young people often take things differently to the way we see them and I don't doubt for one minute that she was your priority from your point of view, but I wonder if it would be worth exploring this with her, as to WHY she felt that way. It may be the kind of thing which she didn't really mean, but since it was said to her Granny, it may be that she genuinely feels like that and has done for a long time. If that's the case then the new male in the house will only be adding to those feelings, rather than it being him specifically the problem? Is it worth your while seeing if you can have a frank chat with her about what she said to your Mum? See if that sheds any light, if you can discuss it calmly with her and don't get defensive if you don't like hearing what she has to say.

It may be, that conversation, might improve things if she has genuine complaints ( from her point of view) and you can acknowledge that you understand where she is coming from. A better understanding between the two of you might help things a lot?

This is what I’m afraid of, I don’t want her to be in a situation that will have a knock on effect in her life. I obviously want her to be happy and thrive.

I have considered suggesting family therapy but I’m afraid she’ll feel even more defensive, as she thinks therapy is suggesting there’s something that needs fixing.

It isn’t clear what discussions took place prior to him moving in.

How did she really feel, did she raise any objections, what house rules were agreed, how was the whole living together setup envisaged?

What are her main objections now that he has been living with you for a while?

Have you considered family therapy, first for you and her, with the option of him joining in at some point?

ETA: I see you have suggested family therapy. She seems very self-absorbed, not to say selfish. Maybe she could have a few sessions by herself? But it may also be time for some tough love…

This time next year she could be living with someone or moved to the next county and you would be left on your own. Do not end your relationship with your partner over this. You need to rake her out for a walk and tell jer she is being unreasonable and making you really upset. Tell her you love her and you want her to know you will always be there for her no matter what decision she makes.

He’s not her dad though and for her that might be the tough bit.
Him being around was ok but the reality of him living in your home, his stuff where she might feel her dads stuff should be.
Him calling her out on her behaviour is probably making her think ‘who the fuck are you’.

I’m not saying you should put your life on hold or end your relationship but I do think you need to see where this might be coming from.

I may be wrong and that’s not how she feels or maybe she thinks he’s a bit of a dick now he lives there.

Did they lose their father at 8 years old?

She kicked off and he said something like “your attitude stinks”. No, of course he didn’t need to say it, it was wholly unnecessary and has apologised.

She had been really mean for 2 weeks straight so unfortunately he eventually took
the bait.

He doesn't know her well, he's just her mum's boyfriend.

She did talk to him often and went to him for advice on multiple occasions.

How much privacy has she lost due to him moving in? Do you all use the same bathroom? Can she hear you having sex? How often are your DP and DD home? She can no longer walk about in pjs or step out the bathroom in just a towel without feeling self conscious. It’s a massive change to have this man there.
Can’t you move in with him for a bit and let your DD live in your home alone for a bit?

By moving your dp in you're making very clear that it's ultimately your house, not dd's. That's factually true and it's understandable if you want to enforce that dynamic, but it's also understandable that dd doesn't like it.

You said yourself he doesn't know her well!
He’s severely underestimating my daughter’s willpower.

Can you say what the problematic comment was?

I hope he hasn't said this to or in front of her? It's a bit smarmy, patronising and getting ready to gloat - or at any rate comes across that way.

Tbh I totally sympathise with her being uncomfortable with him living with you both. That doesn't mean you have to end the relationship at all, but it really isn't strange at all she resents an older man being there all the time, his stuff in the bathroom, always there in the living room if you used to watch TV together, at the dinner table when you used to chat 1:1. It doesn't matter how nice he is, it's icky and awkward and uncomfortable and alienating for her that he lives in the house.

The house share will be people her age who she had no previous dynamics with, but yes as you say there's plenty of potential for conflict and drama and a nice dynamic starting out changing if one moves a boyfriend in etc.

What I said about helping her find a flat stands for a house share too though - be positive and try to be with her, go and look at places together (hopefully she can find a nice house where everyone is around the same age and lifestage and none of the housemates own the house).

If she's lived at home throughout university she's missed out on the house share experience most students do, and in my day most who moved to London after uni lived in house shares for the first couple of years too - it's a rite of passage for many and can also be positive. If it's really awful you have her back).

I think you have to turn moving out into a positive and be very supportive and involved - you can't watch her go and hope she comes crawling back as that's horrible and she'll hate and resent you both all the more even if she comes back under those circumstances.

Help her make moving out positive and help her make it work and be excited for and with her.