Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

DP (4+ years) has moved in and within less than 2 months DD22 wants to move out. DD has always been tricky to live with, but now with a 3rd person she hasn’t adapted at all, seems annoyed, on edge or trying to pick fights all the time. DP eventually lost his cool,
answered back and next thing I know, she’s screaming she hates him, he shouldn’t be living with us, all sorts. It was honestly a worrying scene. I managed to calm her down but it became a “me or him” scenario.

She confided in my mum that she feels she’s never a priority, but she’s been nothing but my priority for the last 14 years after her father passed. I kept waiting for her to take her time moving out (ie, uni) but it hasn’t happened and I feel like 5 years is enough time to move a relationship forward.

I don’t know what to do. The consensus seems to be let her leave but keep in touch and if it doesn’t work out she can always come home (obviously) but I am quite worried we’ll just become distant.
The alternative is ending my relationship, which is obviously also not what I want at all either. But how can I be in a relationship my DD dislikes when her opinion is the most important one to me?

I’m also worried for her MH as this situation seems to be way overblown, among other issues. Her attachment to me is starting to worry me because it feels more similar to that of a young teenager rather than a young adult. I’m not sure how to approach it with her without offending her again or making her feel unwanted.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for, maybe any words of wisdom? Thank you for reading.

@Newgirls he can, it’s just that we’re both tired of it and recently we had to make a decision whether he’d get a new place or we just move in together now and save up for a deposit. I also didn’t want to leave the area as it’s close to DD’s work and she hates public transport, so I thought we’d stick around here for now and see how she gets on.
Shes doing uni from home and about to finish it. She also travels several times a year. These things are all possible because I work FT and cover everything so she can have money to do nice things. I’m stretched thin, overwhelmed and trying to claw out of a burn out, DP’s help at home is very, very appreciated.

He can move out, but if after 5 years it’s still all this drama, I think we’re both at the point of thinking it’s a lot of struggle for what is otherwise a great relationship. I’d be effectively telling him we’ll only be able to plan a future when and if DD ever moves out.

Well she’s not going to be moving out any time soon if you keep giving her money to “do nice things.”

Do you cover her travelling OP? It sounds like you are taking care of a lot for her, as well as facilitating her not having to take public transport - these things while very generous are perhaps not conducive to her learning to stand on her own two feet? It is normal for young adults to move out and fend for themselves and a necessary part of growing up - it sounds to me like on the one hand you see that it's time for you all to move forward but are also struggling with it yourself in terms of not really wanting her to go, or seeing it as failing as a parent somehow if you don't continue to provide for her.

I really don't think it is - there's a reason birds push their offspring out of the nest sometimes, it's a parent's job to make sure they fly!

@DaisyChain505 shes always worked PT as soon as she was able to, I might pay for the uber or taxi here and there but flights etc are on her

@Summervibes83 she covers her travelling as I wouldn’t really be able to, my wage covers day to day life but that’s about it. I do feel like I’m failing on all fronts right now, I hate the idea of her feeling abandoned or pushed away.

Kindly @2026problemsandDDcanbeone shes 22. She’s not a baby.

Theres a middle ground between treating her like a child and telling her to leave the home because she’s an adult.

Sit down and have a chat with her. Tell her that you understand it must feel strange having someone else come and live in her home however she needs to bring your feelings into account and understand that you deserve to have your relationship progress and for you to be happy. Ask her if there are specific things she’s upset about and see if you can find a middle ground.

Things like getting a lock on the bathroom door if you don’t have one.

Making sure there’s set time for you to still be with her one on one.

It sounds like you could have over compensated for her not having her Dad around and now she’s struggling to share you.

@DaisyChain505 I’ve done that, she complained about too many shoes so I got a second shoe storage, she complained about our robes touching hers so I got a different hook hanger (more spaced out), he’s not touching any of her clothes anymore when we need to use the machine (she tends to just leave them there), I’m the one taking them out and folding them away. Ultimately she just doesn’t want him there and feels like since he’s been there, she’s been pushed into her bedroom - she hasn’t, but with 3 people she needs to try and be more considerate of everyone - this has been a big issue between us for years now. I try to have 1:1 time weekly, this week so far nothing because she isn’t talking to me.

I agree with you that the issue is sharing me. She’s great with relatives when I’m not there, once I join in all hell breaks loose and she starts asking for us to just be alone. But this was when she was younger (til about 2 years ago), I wrongly assumed she’d outgrow it.

Well you’ve answered your own question. She’s being unreasonable and over the top because she has issues sharing you but you can’t be expected to put your life on hold and throw your relationship away because of this.

Keep making an effort to spend time with her etc but if she’s going to say no or be stubborn that’s on her.

Wanting you to be alone with her is very clingy. I wonder given your updates if the 'child at any age comes before a man' would tolerate this level of enmeshment?
You've been with this guy for a few years now it's not as if he's a random squeeze of a couple of months moving in. I don't understand what is going on here given she's not a young child - would be totally different then.

This is why I’m quite worried for her MH, I think there’s issues going on way beyond her not wanting him there. We’ve always been close, but it’s only valid at the cost of me not having a personal life at all.

We’ve had a shorter conversation and we’re due to have another one next week, I’ve suggested family therapy but she doesn’t want to. She said she just wants to go and move on.

Let her go OP. She has to one way or the other, for the sake of her own future life. She might be angry now but she will come around, she will see how much you've been doing for her and you will probably end up having a better relationship than you do now. It is time for her to spread her wings, you might wish this hadn't been the catalyst but something had to be.

Oh, it's the Mumsnet Joan of Arc here...

@Summervibes83 I’m not sure I’m equipped to deal with this. I’ve been crying all the time, I can’t sleep and I completely lost my appetite. I honestly didn’t think him moving in would have this sort of consequence, I wish she had told me her true feelings beforehand.

@2026problemsandDDcanbeone

You’ve said that she has an unhealthy attitude towards your relationship and wanting you to herself and your reaction is enabling her behaviour. You’re acting as if the world has ended and pandering to her feelings.

You can tell her you love her and you sympathise with the fact she’s struggling to learn to share her home with someone but that she also needs to be thinking about your feelings and the fact that you deserve a loving partnership and that you shouldn’t have to potentially throw one away because she’s throwing her toys out the pram.

If you were to kick him out and the relationship ended she could up sticks and leave within a few months and not think twice about you sat at home alone.

She may not have known. She may have thought she’d be ok with it.

Hear her out at least. Change is hard for anyone. Losing a parent so young will inevitably make accepting this change harder. While it might not be reasonable, your only parent choosing their partner over the adult child is likely to be devastating

Oh bless you both. Really difficult..
If she wants to go to shared accommodation I would support her. Its not the same situation as shes in now, maybe it would hekp her and your relationship. All sounds very difficult