Adult daughter wants to move out after partner moved in

[2026problemsandDDcanbeone]

DP (4+ years) has moved in and within less than 2 months DD22 wants to move out. DD has always been tricky to live with, but now with a 3rd person she hasn’t adapted at all, seems annoyed, on edge or trying to pick fights all the time. DP eventually lost his cool,
answered back and next thing I know, she’s screaming she hates him, he shouldn’t be living with us, all sorts. It was honestly a worrying scene. I managed to calm her down but it became a “me or him” scenario.

She confided in my mum that she feels she’s never a priority, but she’s been nothing but my priority for the last 14 years after her father passed. I kept waiting for her to take her time moving out (ie, uni) but it hasn’t happened and I feel like 5 years is enough time to move a relationship forward.

I don’t know what to do. The consensus seems to be let her leave but keep in touch and if it doesn’t work out she can always come home (obviously) but I am quite worried we’ll just become distant.
The alternative is ending my relationship, which is obviously also not what I want at all either. But how can I be in a relationship my DD dislikes when her opinion is the most important one to me?

I’m also worried for her MH as this situation seems to be way overblown, among other issues. Her attachment to me is starting to worry me because it feels more similar to that of a young teenager rather than a young adult. I’m not sure how to approach it with her without offending her again or making her feel unwanted.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for, maybe any words of wisdom? Thank you for reading.

I’d never move a new man in unless my kids were fully behind it. Is it worth damaging your relationship with your daughter over?

She's a 22 year old woman. Let her move out. Make it clear she remains wholly welcome and loved but don't let her dictate your life and relationships to you. I know some people will make lofty pronouncements about how they would never, but that's their life and their choices and you don't have to be dictated to by them any more than you do your adult daughter.

What does "lost his cool" mean? I wouldn't accept anyone shouting or being aggressive towards my child in my house, regardless of their behaviour (I wouldn't be impressed with your daughter's behaviour either... but her being young and my daughter would mean I'd work through it in a way I wouldn't for a partner.).

Are there any additional needs at play? Did she have counselling after losing her dad? Honestly, I can understand her struggling with living with your partner. It must be difficult to get used to sharing your home with an older man that you didn't choose. Despite this her behaviour sounds extreme for her age, it's more like something you'd expect from a teenager.

Absolute load of toss. Agree with the MN martyrdom why should a woman have to sacrifice her happiness forever to appease her adult DC? Who no doubt she has put first all her life. Don’t we ever deserve to find happiness with, god forbid, a man?!

But you just did.

Me, too.

what jumped out for me is that he lost his temper with her. That’s not ok.

does he still have his own place? Perhaps he could move out and she could also look for her own place/job/course. It would be the best way to protect your relationship with both of them

She’s 22, seems like a great natural break for her to move out.

You posted about this a couple of months ago OP, is the situation still exactly the same?

He didn’t lose his temper, he answered back for the first time. It wasn’t yelling or anything.

As far as she is concerned, you moved some random bloke into her home. She can't wander around in her undies any more, she can't relax or treat it like home. I would move out too.

But she's 22, more than old enough to have her own place or share a house. What did you expect? Either make it clear you love her, you understand she is a grown woman, and offer to help her find somewhere decent or ask your dp to move out for a couple of years until your dd leaves of her own accord.

Realistically those are your choices.

She's 22! My brother moved out when he was 17, I moved out aged 26, and still regret that as it was about four years too late.

It's time for her to be an adult now - and for you to enjoy your freedom.

Apparently not…. The op is not allowed to have any relationship or make life decisions without the daughters approval it seems.

does the same go for op being able to decide what the dd does with her life?

Obviously you want it to be on good terms but to me it seems positive that a 22 yo moves out. I wouldn’t try and change that part but I would try and support her with that and make it clear how much she means toyou and that you want to repair the rift.
At this age, I don’t think she should dictate how you live your life. It is nice that you have a DP now after so many years alone.

I posted earlier in the year, maybe a couple months ago was a different user.

Why doesn’t she like him?

Doesn’t sound that way to me. I think if I were in OP’s situation, I would choose my daughter. That doesn’t mean I judge her for not doing so. It’s a tricky situation, her relationship with her daughter might be completely different to mine, and actually as I’m not in that situation, I can’t 100% know how I’d react.

@OneLimePombear it is possible in theory but frankly we’re both tired of it. He’s easy to live with, he helps a lot and I enjoy seeing him daily rather than mostly weekends.

@Sparkletastic @Larrythecatforpm she has recently started working FT and has substantial savings too, but obviously I’d much rather she’s at home and building her savings even more.

@cestlavielife she goes between liking him and disliking him but she’s like that with pretty much everyone, it’s always between extremes.

What forever? If she said “you can never have a relationship where you live with someone again! Even
if I do” you’d go with that?

She's probably young for her age (not necessarily across the board but in terms of being more focused on the mother- daughter relationship rather than majority peer focused) because her dad died when she was eight . I know you've supported her, vut the fear of losing you is normal in that context, as is behaving in a younger way when it comes to you.

I don't think many 22 year old women would genuinely be comfortable with their mother's male partner moving in to be honest - it would be very awkward especially if he's in what used to be just mother daughter space. Bathroom, living room in the evening, cooking and eating - she'll feel awkward and like a third wheel when you've always been a two, and maybe she's not comfortable if she's alone with him in the house. She'll suddenly be feeling as if she doesn't have the run of the house.

I think the answer is to help her move out to somewhere nearby and be involved in and positive about the move. Help her search, go with her to look - just you, not him. Shop for bedding and kitchen stuff together.

We paid our daughter's deposit and first month's rent because she'd been trying to commute to work from ours and it's not her fault we live somewhere ridiculous - her commute was really long. Moving out was a positive though - I flat searched with her (she took the lead completely but I went along to viewings) and she loves her little flat now. She's back at least one night a week and if she's got a lot on and can't for a longer stretch we make a point of going over and taking her to dinner. She's about an hour's drive away.

This is my dilemma. She’s already had her gap year, she solo travels often, never spends any birthdays or holidays at home by choice and she’s just finishing up uni. Her plans change often so I would be risking throwing away a relationship that makes me very happy and then a few months down the line she moves elsewhere. She wants to move abroad badly, it might come to fruition sooner rather than later.

'Actually I already know this'😂😂😂Don't all Mothers Day cards say the same thing.
Carry on believing your own publicity.

So if your kids were in their forties and still living with you, you wouldn’t move in a partner unless they were behind it?

She’s 22 and old enough to move out. I did around that age. She doesn’t get to dictate how you live your life. She actually sounds very controlling.

It’s not him specifically (well, it is now), it’s him being here. She was alright with it initially but now it’s why does he have to have dinner with us? Why is his towel in the bathroom too? Why are his shoes in the shoe storage too? and so on.

We have offered to redecorate her room, she’s always invited for everything (apparently also a problem, why does he keep inviting her to his family things?), we always have 1:1 time. But like other users have said, I think the issue is that he’s here.

I’m stuck on what to do. I don’t want her to move out, I want her to stay until she’s ready. DP thinks she’ll be back, but I’m afraid she won’t and she’ll just be unhappy and further isolated.