Irresponsible 30 year old

[loveroffashion]

I’m getting more and more frustrated at my 30year old daughter who still lives at home . She has a boyfriend and they hope to one day afford their own home . However stm she’s driving me mad as she is so irresponsible . She does nothing in the house no cleaning occasional cooking no washing ironing I do it all as I don’t work . Tonight she’s cooked a meal to take to work and it’s been left in the kitchen to cool . She has however got into bed no phone set for work no food put in fridge as she’s made 3 lots for the week . It’s like nothing sinks in and I’m constantly on at her but she just never learns . Every night her light is left on all night and the times I’ve told her to turn the bloody thing off but it just never sinks in . When I ask her to do something I have to keep asking and asking over and over again . Is there something mentally going on or is she just lazy and completely relies on me .
its absolutely draining me but I can’t help wondering have I caused this ?
her bf is completely opposite he has to do everything for himself and it shows he’s so independent . Can this be changed or is it too late ? I can’t imagine how she’s gonna run her own home . Please don’t say kick her out cus I’m not gonna do that when she can’t afford her own home at present

Is she paying you rent? If not, she should be.
And of course you can kick her out, because she can rent a place - just like we all did. Not everyone needs, or is able, to buy a house - that's not a reason to live with parents forever.
It sounds like you've been way too soft, so stop doing any cleaning, laundry etc for her and she'll soon get the message. Also, don't wake her up if she hasn't set her alarm - she's not 8 years old, it's not your job, and being late for work will also be a good learning experience!

I mean, it's pretty obvious the easiest way would be for her to move out asap, but unless you're willing to chuck her out, the only thing I can suggest is chilling out and taking a step back.

I'm not really sure why some of those things bother you? If you mean her bedroom light is on all night, who cares? How does that impact you? She can obviously sleep through it (sounds mad to me but up to her I suppose), and modern light bulb costs about a penny an hour to run for 8 hours so even if she does leave it on all night it costs you about 50p a week.

Same with her food -. If she's left a mess and gone to bed, go and wake her up and get her to tidy it, but other than that if she's just left it packed up but not in the fridge, just leave it. If she gets food poisoning, again, not your problem. It's not going to kill her. If she doesn't get up in time for work that's her issue, and for her boss to tell her off, not you.

Why do you do her washing and ironing? If you don't, she'll have to wash her clothes eventually. Perhaps she doesn't see the point of ironing (I don't). Either way, there's no reason you need to do it.

Yes she's behaving like an overgrown teenager but you're treating her like one! Ideally she would grow out of it, but after more than a decade that doesn't seem to be happening, so if she won't change her behaviour the only alternative is changing yours.

At 30 it becomes a bit pathetic. What’s the timeline on them getting their own place? How come they aren’t living together yet? It’s a bit of a risky move to go straight to being homeowners + living together.

I’d back off, to be honest. Except for things that get in your way, let her be (ie her leaving her food out).

I have adult DC living at home and I do understand how they can tend to revert to teenage-type behaviour. I understand that you don't want to ask her to leave.

However, you need to give her the opportunity to develop adult skills, and to separate from you . Stop doing her laundry. Charge her a fair share of bills ( not rent, frame it as being her share of actual costs) and increase it if doesn't cover the additional costs of having her there - eg leaving the lights on. I had to have a discussion with DS1 about his excessive use of electricity, and in particular having the heating on all day when he was working from home. He said he wanted to have the heating on whenever he wanted to, and was willing to pay for it, so we increased his contribution by about £100pm. I calculated that his share of bills was about £400 pm, btw, and that was 2 or 3 years ago - he's in his own flat now.
Make her getting out of bed for work her problem, not yours. Tell her once that you won't be waking her up in the morning and leave her to it.Tell her that she has to contribute to the work of running the house, so would she like small daily jobs or bigger weekly ones? Would she prefer to agree on certain chores being her responsibility or to do the ones you assign to her? Which days would she like to be responsible for cooking dinner?
Stop picking up after her. If she leaves her lunches out of the fridge, maybe she needs to experience them getting spoilt. You don't have to comment at all, in fact it's better if you don't. Let her reap the consequences of her inaction and lack of preparedness. You aren't doing her any favours shielding her from these.
Just quietly withdraw services.

You need to just stop, she sounds like a teenager not a 30 year old.
I’d have been mortified having my mum do my laundry and clean up after me when I was 30!
So she’s not set an alarm? Too bad she’ll be late for work then. She’s left her food out overnight? Up to her if it has to go in the bin.
I guess since you don’t work it’s fair that you’re doing more housework but I would stop doing her laundry at the very least, and just stop running around after her, let her learn the hard way.

Yes she pays board there’s no way I wouldn’t insist on that . I’ve stopped getting her up ages ago as I told her if you’re late for work that’s your problem . But it’s like she never ever learns from it something just doesn’t sink in with her . Like the light it’s not the fact I’m bothered about a few pence I couldn’t care less it’s the fact she doesn’t change . That’s what frustrates me the most

Are you charging market rate?

Just stop doing everything for her. No meals, no washing etc

I’m retired. I do all the general cleaning and will include her for meals if she lets me know she wants a meal. My dd looks after her own washing and if she cooks herself, must clear up after herself.
I try to step back from reminding about things but dh takes it upon himself to “look after her” more. It’s a source is frustration for her and me. Neither of us think he should be babying her. He can’t seem to step back.

That’s what you need to do - step back. But put into place consequences for things that affect you, like not clearing up after herself, eg has to eat your meals if she leaves the kitchen a mess. Other consequences of not having clean clothes etc should only affect her and she’s old enough to get to choose how she lives her life- but only as long as it doesn’t impact on your quality of life.

The day my dd (22) started work I made sure I wasn’t doing any of the prep for it. I make my own and my dh’s packed lunches and dd does her own. I do all of the washing because we have a cheap overnight rate so use a timer to do one load a night which I hang every morning. She sorts and irons her own after that stage. Dd empties the dishwasher in the morning.

If my dd had left food in the kitchen I’d have gone to her room and told her to get up and tidy the kitchen. I suppose your dd knows you are there like a safety net. You have to stop doing all these things for her because she’s thirty years old.

How will she learn without the opportunity?

You don't have to make a big deal of changing things by delivering ultimatum or being confrontational, but let her know you feel a bit silly doing jobs for an adult. Just stop, the washing, the ironing, the picking up after her. If she asks dont say you're not doing it, say here... ill show you... then talk her through the motions whilst she does the action, not you. Then dont mention it again, if a week passes and she has no clothes, she will do it. Same with food, if she leaves it out overnight and its wasted, then she won't do it again.

If you're not totally comfortable with charging rent, still do it, but pop it in a separate account to give it back, so unknowingly she's saving for her own deposit. Same with bills. Tell her how much utilities are for the house and how much she needs to contribute (light on = electricity). Really not being pedantic but its a reality check for her.

I think the key is to be over kind, but really step right back. It's not a punishment, it's life. Deliver it in a positive way.

If it was me, and im a soft touch, id buy a 'starter' pack of cleaning stuff/laundry etc, gift it but be clear when it runs out she buys her own replacements- its also visual products in her room to see how much she is or isn't using.

I think its a sad situation. I understand some areas of the country are prohibitively expensive for rent so independence is getting harder to achieve but, I don't think you can grow up whilst still living with your parents. I have family members who are in their early 30s living at home and yes its because rents are high (outer London) but also their parents really do everything for them. I guess its hard not to when you live together, no point do a half load of laundry might as well do for the household, similar with meals.

How would your DD feel about a house share?

Did you put the food in the fridge and get her up in the morning?
If you did - then stop. She doesn't need to think for herself all the time you do it for her. Drop the rope.

I am trying to get my head around her being 30 !
My 32 year old is married with a mortgage my 30 year lives with her partner, has she no intention of moving out at all ? Well not if you are doing everything she won't she has a great life doesn't she.

But perhaps she doesn't change because those things don't affect her? E.g though it seems weird to you (and me!) that she can sleep with a light on, she clearly can, so why does it bother you that much?

Same with stuff like ironing - some people on MN will be aghast but many, many people manage to lead happy and successful lives without ever ironing anything.

If she repeatedly misses her alarm and is late for work, but still has a job, perhaps her boss doesn't care as long as she makes the hours up. Lots of workplaces are more flexible these days.

Lots of these behaviours are annoying and I repeat that I do think she needs to move out - but at this point if she doesn't change then getting frustrated at every tiny thing you think she does 'wrong' is just irritating both of you and achieving nothing.

I'd decide which are the key things that actually impact you (e.g. making a mess in the kitchen) and decide on a consequence for that "if you leave food on the side again I will bin it and come into your room and wake you up until you come and clean the kitchen to a reasonable standard" but other than that take a step back and try to ignore everything else.

She cooked for the week though? That is something? I think sit her down and get her excited on making a plan to move out and list the things you need done so it’s not just an as you go nagging thing but also remember this is your home and with other people there it won’t be perfect either

Just worrying about what impacts you and the house is good advice, everything else ignore, you have to stop treating her like she is incapable.

My daughter leaves the lights on all the time however she’s 14! I bought smart light bulbs that you can control from an app on your phone so when I get in bed I just turn them all off from the app! You can set timers too so they turn off at certain times. I also have smart plugs too so her tv isn’t on all night.

Start charging her market rent and treat her like a lodger. Would you care if a lodger got up on time for work? Or put their lunch in the fridge? Charge her proper rent (not board) and she can start buying her own food and she’ll soon change OP. She is still used to her mum plugging the gaps.

Adults (and teens for that matter) learn best from experience

not being nagged by their mum.

stop nagging her.
if it affects her and she cares she’ll fix it eventually although it might take a few repetitions.

if it impacts you then work out what you are going to do about it (don’t bother nagging, you’ve already noticed that doesen’t work).

eg if your laundry is still in the machine when I want to use it I’ll put it in this bag.

Edited as I didnt mean to quote anyone.

I think some people learn things by being told.

Other people learn from experiencing consequences.

So:
Stop doing laundry / ironing for her.
No more cooking for her.
If she batch cooks and leaves it out, move it to the side.
If she doesn’t set her alarm and is late, leave her to it.
Light on all night is costing you money in higher electricity so add more to cover this to whatever she pays as her household contribution.

At 30, it’s too late to just keep “reminding” and “discussing” - unless there are other capability issues at play.

So just communicate with action.

When my Dds lived here they paid part of bills, they had constant showers and hairdryers going lights on(, i don't know what twhe light thing is about )

So we didn't charge board as such but they paid their way, we tried to treat them as working adults rather than grown up teenagers it worked OK.

@loveroffashion you are understandably frustrated.

When you constantly have to remind her, no doubt she may well see it as "nagging" and just zones out "the noise"

Maybe you could try, for a trial period, saying/reminding her of absolutely nothing.

Agree with @Beamur ; drop the rope (you may also like to try removing the lightbulb too)

I don't understand your problem with the lights on all night.
You've said that you don't care about the cost.
Presumably she's in her own room and so I'm not sure how it affects you?