Irresponsible 30 year old

[loveroffashion]

I’m getting more and more frustrated at my 30year old daughter who still lives at home . She has a boyfriend and they hope to one day afford their own home . However stm she’s driving me mad as she is so irresponsible . She does nothing in the house no cleaning occasional cooking no washing ironing I do it all as I don’t work . Tonight she’s cooked a meal to take to work and it’s been left in the kitchen to cool . She has however got into bed no phone set for work no food put in fridge as she’s made 3 lots for the week . It’s like nothing sinks in and I’m constantly on at her but she just never learns . Every night her light is left on all night and the times I’ve told her to turn the bloody thing off but it just never sinks in . When I ask her to do something I have to keep asking and asking over and over again . Is there something mentally going on or is she just lazy and completely relies on me .
its absolutely draining me but I can’t help wondering have I caused this ?
her bf is completely opposite he has to do everything for himself and it shows he’s so independent . Can this be changed or is it too late ? I can’t imagine how she’s gonna run her own home . Please don’t say kick her out cus I’m not gonna do that when she can’t afford her own home at present

Is there any chance she’s neurodiverse? Specifically ADHD?

me and my DH and our little DD live with my parents in my childhood home and I’m in my early 30s. But it’s turned into a more my parents living with us rather than the other way around as they are elderly and require support. The home is owned so there’s no mortgage, it’s plenty big enough to house all of us without being in each others way and me/DH share the bills with parents just contributing voluntarily for a bit of food shopping every now and then. I don’t think it’s bad living multi generationally depending on the circumstances especially as where we live we just wouldn’t be able to afford a nice house.
whereas as my DH family are those that boot their kids out at 20 or charge them ridiculous amounts of money to live with them - the fact none of his siblings and him bother with their parents now speaks for itself

Stop washing her clothes and picking up after her.

I don’t even wash my husband’s clothes!

She will never do it because you keep doing it for her.

I was thinking of ADHD as well.

I do think though you have bought into this thing about young people not being able to afford a place to live.

It’s nearly 10 years since she left university. Where is her money, her life going?

A lot of the young people I know who are a lot younger than your dd own a place. Those that really wanted to buy made a plan. Took on extra work, piled money away and spent as little as possible until they achieved the deposit they needed. It was as simple as work more spend less and save as much money as possible.

I think your dd has a vague idea about saving for a house but is it really her top priority or is she just going through the motions and selling this idea about how hard it is to get together a deposit.
Does she know how much a studio or 1 bed flat is in the cheapest area that is commutable to her work.

How much do her and her bf need to save for a 5%deposit

Ignore her.

Leave her to live like she wants and let her cope with the consequences.
Only intervene when absolutely necessary.

For example:

Charge more for rent if she uses more power.

Move her cooked meals aside to make your own breakfast and comment that they are in the way but do not put them in the fridge or clean up after DD.

Never wake her for work. Only the natural consequences will teach her to improve her organisation.

Never wash her clothes. Her washing basket sits there until she washes her clothes.

Agree that her accommodation depends on her paying rent and on her doing her own washing, cooking two meals per week and taking charge of two household chores and keeping her room tidy.
NEVER cook instead of her, nor do those two chores (vacuuming house and putting out bins, or loading and emptying dishwasher and cleaning bathroom). DD has to cope with the ramifications such as no guests over until the house gets a vacuum, overflowing bins, no clean cutlery and everyone badgering her to clear the bench from yeaterday's plates etc. She needs to live with her own efforts.

Unfortunately you also have to tolerate living with her until she realises she can do better.

But don't waste your voice or compensate for her.

If she’s been working since leaving uni, that’s 9 years of savings. Basic salary of 25k with next to no outgoings and paying token house keeping = AT LEAST £150,000 saved up. That’s a deposit on a flat. Unless they’re in central london, I am flummoxed as to why a young woman is still at home at 30?

Yes, there is a housing crisis. We accept and despair of that. I see someone’s jumped in with the catch-all ADHD diagnosis. What’s not acceptable is an open ended hotel stay with no plan, vision, end point or boundaries to make it work.

I know a family with 2 adult sons in a similar situation. Sons refused to move out. Were literally waiting for parents to die. Parents sold the house and moved far away, thus forcing the sons to make provisions for themselves.

My youngest son is just about to start work so will be starting to pay me board for the first time. I always start off gradually with £100pm then increase as and when I feel it's the right time. I have told him though that if the bathroom doesn't get cleaned (he has his own) then it will cost him an extra £10 for me to do that. Will also be the same if lights get left on continually - that will cost another £5. It worked with the other 2. Unless it affects them financially then no amount of nagging seemed to work.

It’s quite possible @Lovetoplan but as she’s 30, there’s really nothing that the OP can do, her DD needs to seek help herself.

We have discussed this and she has mentioned it herself

I think it would be a good idea if she could help her DD to get a diagnosis and possibly treatment if this is recommended. It is not easy to find a consultant psychiatrist to do the tests. If ADHD the DD is likely to procrastinate and fail to get the help she needs which ultimately affects everyone around her.

@Lovetoplan Yes, the OP can certainly be supportive but ultimately, her DD needs to make the decision to seek help IYSWIM.

My DD (20) suspects that she may have ADHD and has made the arrangements for an assessment. I’m supportive, but it’s important for adults to take control of their own health.

Can I ask from what I’ve said about her makes people think it’s ADHD ? What behaviours match with it ?

She hasn’t lived rent free for the last 9 years or had no outgoings ? Not sure where the 15 grand savings comes in tho doing pt . She’s always had a nice car , phone and likes going out . She hasn’t sat in the house like a hermit for the last 9 years !
She has some savings yes but now she’s got a bf the socialising has increased .
What I never understand from some of these comments is the way people believe by x age everybody should be doing this this and this . Yes in an ideal world nothing would make me happier than to see her and bf get a home of their own but I’m not sure how I can make this happen

Often people with ADHD struggle with trivial domestic or admin tasks because their attention is elsewhere - usually they have one thing that absorbs most of their attention. On this they can hyper focus spending a lot of time and even failing to eat and sleep. They lack any organisation skills, they procrastinate, memory can be an issue and hence they can find life difficult. They benefit from clearly defined routines and prompting to overcome memory lapses. With good understanding and support from the people around them stress reduces and they can do well.

Well that is just DD her memory is shocking and getting worse I think . She’s said that herself . The only thing you’ve mentioned that’s not her is the forgetting to eat and sleep .. she does too much of that .
This has definitely made me think now

Having been through this with one of my now adult children I strongly suggest not taking the kind of advice which advocates just forcing her to look after herself because without support this will fail. They are not lazy - their brain makes it much harder for them to function. Give her the support she needs to reduce her stress by helping with the things she finds hard and she will gradually build her capability to take on more. Memory prompts will help eg setting a prompt on her phone, making visible lists or just offering to remind her. You may also find that she needs less sleep as her stress reduces and her brain stops trying to overcompensate.

If she’s mentioned ADHD have you both read up on inattentive ADHD? Have you then discussed if she has the symptoms together?

If so, is she willing to seek an assessment and try medication?

She sounds very like my 29 year old DS who has ADHD and lives at home. He is desperate to move out (finances have prevented it so far) but I really can’t imagine how he will cope with all of life’s admin and responsibility when he does. I try to keep a balance of being supportive and practically helpful while encouraging independence and self-sufficiency. It’s difficult for everyone in the household, but he knows he has ADHD and works hard to manage it and has made a huge amount of progress over the last ten years. It can improve as they age and if they research and understand the condition and use coping mechanisms or medication if appropriate.

Why on earth would you be making it happen OP? She needs to make it happen! Why are you taking on this level of responsibility for a fully grown adult? She’s closer to middle age than she is to childhood!

I’m only eight years older than your daughter and I am astounded at this sort of behaviour to be honest. I couldn’t think of anything worse than living with my parents into my thirties. And frankly I also couldn’t think of anything worse than having a child in their thirties still living in my house.

I think it sounds like adhd too. My DS will go to sleep with the overhead light on and his Alexa playing really loud. Lights are always left on everywhere, I just told him 3 times I was popping out and when I’ve just got back, he asked where I’d been.

She obviously has no need to organise her life, she has someone willing to do it for her.
The day of reckoning will come, be ready to stand back and smile to yourself. Hope it won’t be long.

Not sure how you get savings of £150,000 from a part time job for most of those years

Even if the dd had been on a £25,000 per year basic salary that only equates to a take home pay of £1700 per month after deductions
Take off money she pays for keep, commuting costs, clothes, lunches, going out, car, car insurance and it doesn leave a lot else.
Yes there should be savings but nothing like the £150,000 you are thinking there should be given her total earnings even if she had a f/t job paying £25,000 per year.

I don’t think you understand ADHD. It isn’t a catch all it is a physical disability.

loveroffashion

As someone who is diagnosed with ADHD 9/9 in all areas, if you look up symptoms of adhd and you discuss with her that this is potentially what she has, I would be seeing your GP for a referral and going down the right to choose avenue

In the meantime it might sound a strange topic but could she really think about her job and her bf.

Do they make her happy. Is she able to be herself or is either something she has been doing for some time and it’s something she is clinging onto because she is scared of being herself and losing what little she has or scared of being on her own

If she isn’t true to herself and is masking, trying to be like the NT people she is surrounding with then her life will be like walking through treacle and might explain why she hasn’t any money, is 30 years old and is still living at home.

"I definitely think family take the p when your at home all day . They think that’s an excuse for us to do everything . Both hubby and dd mention this fact which makes me feel guilty ."
"Both hubby and dd" can piss off with their guilt-tripping. Lazy sods!

"She does nothing in the house no cleaning occasional cooking no washing ironing I do it all as I don’t work."
That stops today - she needs to be doing her own washing and ironing for a start. And she absolutely needs to do some of the domestic load as well. I'd probably frame it as her learning how to be independent. She won't learn that without some practice.

"Tonight she’s cooked a meal to take to work and it’s been left in the kitchen to cool . She has however got into bed no phone set for work no food put in fridge as she’s made 3 lots for the week ."
I'd have left it where it was. Food poisoning is a marvellous tutor on how to not fuck about with proper food storage.

She won't learn how to take care of herself if you keep doing everything for her! As parents, we owe it to our children to train them to be functional adults. It's frankly negligent to leave them in a childlike-state. So you have to push back on the guilting you into being the House Elf / skivvy, and train your daughter into adulthood.

Similar with your husband - you need to push back with him too. If you have retired, he can't be far from that point either, can he? Is he expecting that his retirement "at home all day" will involve sitting on his arse with a coffee and the crossword, or out on the golf course? Or, will he be taking on his share of making his home liveable, cooking and cleaning and shopping and whatever else needs doing? There's a conversation that HAS to be had there, @loveroffashion. And whilst him out working and you not might lead to you taking on more of the day-to-day grind, it should not mean that you take it ALL on. You are his wife, not his skivvy.

I would also have a talk with her, maybe separately from the ADHD talk, and preferably somewhere neutral like a Coffee Shop.

Talk to her about what her plans are, like others have said she’s closer to 40 than she is to 18.

Does she want to live with her BF? Would she prefer to live separately?

Does she need help with budgeting? Spending lots of money on cars and phones is fine if she’s earning well, but she’s not, she’s on minimum wage. Would she consider taking on a second job to help her save or is promotion feasible?

My DD has ADHD and I do her washing but she’s improving and knows that it’s something that she has to work towards. She has started to take more responsibility for it but she’s 18 not 30.

With the chores, the Organised Mum Method has some daily task lists. You could print them off and laminate them. My DFriend had a similar problem and stuck her daily to do lists to her fridge so that the whole family could tick off what they’d done.

AIso I would also talk to your DH about having your back on this a little more. If you’re retired, I’m sure that your idea of retirement wasn’t skivving for a fully grown DD. Can you make yourself more busy out of the home?