Irresponsible 30 year old

[loveroffashion]

I’m getting more and more frustrated at my 30year old daughter who still lives at home . She has a boyfriend and they hope to one day afford their own home . However stm she’s driving me mad as she is so irresponsible . She does nothing in the house no cleaning occasional cooking no washing ironing I do it all as I don’t work . Tonight she’s cooked a meal to take to work and it’s been left in the kitchen to cool . She has however got into bed no phone set for work no food put in fridge as she’s made 3 lots for the week . It’s like nothing sinks in and I’m constantly on at her but she just never learns . Every night her light is left on all night and the times I’ve told her to turn the bloody thing off but it just never sinks in . When I ask her to do something I have to keep asking and asking over and over again . Is there something mentally going on or is she just lazy and completely relies on me .
its absolutely draining me but I can’t help wondering have I caused this ?
her bf is completely opposite he has to do everything for himself and it shows he’s so independent . Can this be changed or is it too late ? I can’t imagine how she’s gonna run her own home . Please don’t say kick her out cus I’m not gonna do that when she can’t afford her own home at present

Our brains work much faster than a NT person. We see connections between things and work differently

Things like washing up or hoovering or other boring monotonous tasks are so boring they don’t even register with us
The effort it takes us to do these things make us totally exhausted

I don’t think a NT person can relate. Even doing something small and monotonous your brain knows it will give a dopamine boost for completing the task so you do it.

Imagine whatever you do your lifestyle doesn’t really change or the changes in your lifestyle you can cope with
You work in a really boring job with boring people and it was announced that from tomorrow you wont get paid, Would you still get up and go to work.
That is how we look on boring tasks. Our brains don’t pay us in dopamine to do those tasks so we don’t do them. If the washing up isn’t done then we can live with dirty dishes because the sheer effort for no reward would mean it was too exhausting.

My DFriend had a similar problem and stuck her daily to do lists to her fridge so that the whole family could tick off what they’d done

We have one of those. I think dd had a “let’s be NT moment” and was trying to get us to be more organised

I read the first line and my inner voice shouted BORING and I haven’t looked at it again DS asked “What list?”
Even dd hasn’t ticked off anything

Well it’s not magic, just a suggestion. Both of her adult DC are ND and they do need reminding that the list is there and she expects the jobs to be ticked off when they’re home.

OP what happens if you and DH go away? Does she clean her own clothes then, cook her food and empty the bins etc?

By doing things for her you're enabling her. Stop doing her washing & Ironing, if it needs doing then it's on her to do it. Don't tidy up after her just keep reminding her it needs doing & that you want it done by XXX time. If her light's still on when you go to bed just stick your head in & turn it off. If she's still awake & wants it left on then tell her if it stay on all night you'll be putting her board up to cover the extra (small) costs of electricity. Don't wake her up either. If she's late for work again that's on her & up to her boss to have a word. she'll never change & think for herself if you're doing it for her. I get it's very draining on you but just stop doing things for her & hopefully it should start to sink in that she has to think for herself.

Has anybody mentioned ADHD or autism yet? They're usually rolled out when discussing feckless, gormless adult children.