Ungrateful entitled 18 year old son

[Hazey1809]

Hi all. My son is 18 and still in college doing A levels. Me and his dad split 15 years ago but are on good terms. He is increasingly becoming ungrateful and entitled and my mental health is deteriorating because of it. He has a part time job but when he is at home he treats me like a servant. He expects to be woken up and driven to the gym and rugby training. His room is a tip and doesn't lift a finger.
The other night one of his remarks really upset me. He said the food I cook is like poor people's! I cook from scratch; spag bol, casseroles, curries, pasta dishes etc. Occasionally we have pizza or a shop made pie or stuff like that. When he is at his dad's he gets steak and fancy food. I work full time and have a sideline ironing business. He has said other awful things like calling me an alcoholic in front of friends (I'm not by the way I only drink at the weekend) and saying things like we are poor. I was a single mom for a while but now have a wonderful partner who is supportive. He can see how much this has upset me.
I always keep the house clean laundry up to date food on the table but he just treats it like a hotel. When he goes to his dads which has been most weekends I feel less anxious and happier. But he is here more because of doing things with his mates who live close by so my anxiety seem to be continuous. He wants driving lessons but won't commit to a date to book them so expects to be run around everywhere. I have spoken to his dad in the past but he wasn't very supportive but my son is like him and the reason I divorced him which makes it worse. I'm sorry this is a rant and probably doesn't make sense but I needs to get it off my chest! Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

He probably hears his dad talking about you with disrespect. It happened with my eldest DS but then after living with his dad for a while, realised what a twat he is. I guess the steak dinners would stop if he was there all the time.

However, he's hardly an adult at 18 and you're taking the behaviour too personally. I wouldn't be giving him lifts though.

He’s treating your home like a hotel and he’s treating you like his servant because that’s how you are behaving!

How about writing down what you think. Spell out to him what he is doing wrong and how it makes you feel.

Excellent post!

I think all teens go through a phase of being critical of their parents approach to life as part of their growing independence and (pending) adulthood but your DS is at the more rude and disrespectful end.

DD2 (17) definitely has a moan at us from time to time, as did DD1. What you have to try and do is take a step back, stay calm, and be the bigger and more experienced person that you are, though it can be hard when they are so rude, disrespectful and personal.

Are there any activities you bond over together?

Another vote for withdrawing financial support and stopping doing stuff for him. Either he'll learn to do stuff himself or realise how much he should appreciate you.

Don't put up with this.

You smile and laugh and say that it is fine if it is not good enough for him, he can do it himself. Honestly back off, no longer do all the things he should be doing for himself. So if he wants better food then he can buy and cook it, stop doing his laundry. They do get critical at that age but just call his bluff.

If he’s 18 and doing A-Levels, presumably he’ll have finished them in May? Is he going to uni in September?

If that’s the case I’d probably try to rise above it, laugh off his demands and ignore him.

If he’s expecting to live with you for more than the next seven months, I’d be pushing for him to move into Dad’s.

@Hazey1809 generally with these long posts I find the OP has answered their own questions. Your DS is like this because you've allowed him to be, and he takes full advantage of divorced parents to play one off against the other.
He needs to go and live with his dad if he's so wonderful
And you need to stop being his doormat when he decides it's actually more convenient to live with mum.
Sorry but most of this is on you. If it's getting you down ('mental health') take action.

I would:
Sit him down and explain the situation clearly and briefly. State that because of his behaviour you are no longer doing x,y and z until you see a change. Then grey rock him and wait for him to change and/or come to you with an apology etc.

He doesn't treat your home like a hotel. Well, not unless it's one where you get a chauffeur included in the deal and the restaurant staff don't mind themselves and their efforts being insulted. He treats it far worse than a hotel.

He needs a wake up call and I don't mean an early morning one for the gym. Stop driving him around for starters. As for his comments about you being an alcoholic - I imagine that's just 'banter' and 'you can't take a joke'? That needs scotching straight away if I'm right. Far too many men get away with insults disguised as 'humour'.

It's very distressing when you see them turn into their father, I know. Time to act.

I would speak to him when he is in a relatively calm mood and point out the facts:

1. At eighteen he is an adult so, as a result:
2. You are no longer going to wake him up. If he is late and misses college or the gym etc, it is his responsibility, not yours, and he will have to have to accept the consequences.
3. You are not his taxi service. If he wants to go anywhere, he will have to take a bus, train or organise a lift with friends.
4. The bank of Mum is closed. Time to get a part-time job.
5. If he wants to learn to drive, he organises it by himself and pays for lessons or his Dad does.
6. There is no alternative to the meals you cook. If he doesn't like them, he either goes hungry or cooks for himself.
7. He does his own washing.
8. He cleans up after himself and his things belong in his room. If he wants to live like a slob in his own room, that is fine as long as he closes the door so that nobody else has to witness it. However, no food is allowed in his bedroom and any cups or mugs he uses have to be brought downstairs and he washes them up.
9. He is not allowed to be rude to you or intimidate you.

10. If he doesn't like the rules, he is free to move out and live with his Dad or elsewhere. I would give him a written copy of the rules. One day, his future wife will thank you.

Agree with PP, he wants an early lift to the gym/sports fixture? tell him to call his father, after all, you are an alcoholic so not safe to drive. Doesn't like your cooking? Fine, don't cook for him. Throwing insults at you? Stop, look him in the eye and ask him to repeat it and explain it to you. Try not to get visibly upset, that will probably fuel his behaviour, but make him feel uncomfortable if possible.

I think you stop talking and stop doing too.

Yep! Resign from the position you have put yourself in. Don't discuss it with him. Don't announce it. Don't try and reason with him. I'd be personable but steadfast. I would keep responses to a minimum. "No, I'm not doing that" "No, I'm not available"

This sounds really hard. I’m a single parent too (18 and 16) and it’s very hard with no back up.

I don’t agree with posters suggesting him moving to his Dad’s.. locking the door etc. That doesn’t solve anything in terms of your relationship.

I do agree with some things needing to change however. It can only be led by you as he’s not going to change on his own. I thought the writing down of hurtful comments he has made is a good idea. A hard meeting to have and he won’t like it but sometimes I think that they forget that we are humans with feelings too. Do this and explain calmly that this is no longer working for you. How it’s all give on your part and take on his. That you will no longer being doing XYZ until he does XYZ. Pick the battles that are the most important to you. A messy room for example - I’d let that one go.. but the personal comments re you/ food etc? Absolutely not.

You are teaching him valuable life lessons as well as aiming for a better home life for you. He won’t like it but it will make him respect you. I think it’s hard as they are our children and we are programmed to nurture/ want them to be ok but this is not ok.

I also over compensated with care when they were younger as I felt guilty about their parents splitting up when they were young (even though is was my ex that had the affair) . I have stopped that now. I realised that over 50% of their friends have parents who are no longer together.

Why are you gentle parenting a grown adult man?
It's time for him to grow up. Stop doing anything for him at all. Tell him if he disrespects you again he can move out.

Stop enabling. No lifts, waking him up, sorting things out for him, let him live off tinned food and tell him unless he changes his attitude he can move out as soon as his A levels end. Stick to it.

Please take all the wonderful advice above. He seems to be well on the way to "incelhood" and Andrew Tate otherwise.

Yes to all this. I also thought 'good luck to his future wife' - if he ever has one. This 'boy' is a young man and needs a wake-up call.

Agree with others. Just stop. Stop it all, stop the lifts, food, laundry, wake up times.
He's ungrateful, rude and a mean little man. If it's affecting your mental health then it really is time you looked after yourself.

Yeah, there will be rows over it, but honestly, in the long run it will be for the best. Best for you and best for any future girlfriend/wife who he expects to do everything for him and belittles them too.

Ps, Edited to add. Over his room, do what my mum did. She got very tired of asking my brother to clean up on a Sunday, so she could hoover/change the sheets on a Monday. He just refused and got mouthy. So she carried out her threat and threw everything he'd left on the bed and on the floor out in the front garden (bedroom was downstairs, front). And left it there all day. He came home from college to see his prized possessions there and funnily enough, cleaned his room up when asked.

This is where you are going wrong - thinking that you need to discuss the matter with him.
You don't.
For many women, when there is an issue in a relationship, the go-to option is to try and talk about it with the other person.
Sometimes, that is not a good option. Particularly if the other person is disrespectful or abusive.

Take action. There is no need to talk.

You are a doormat. He requires tough love!

This!

Please tell me your not actually waking him up and then driving him!

If he wants up then he gets up himself. Id agree to set number of hobby lifts a week

You don't talk. You tell him and laugh if he suggests its your job to sake him up

@Screamingabdabz whilst I understand what you are saying.. the OP is in a difficult place where she is seeking some kind words / support/ advice . I don’t think your post is particularly helpful or kind.