Ungrateful entitled 18 year old son

[Hazey1809]

Hi all. My son is 18 and still in college doing A levels. Me and his dad split 15 years ago but are on good terms. He is increasingly becoming ungrateful and entitled and my mental health is deteriorating because of it. He has a part time job but when he is at home he treats me like a servant. He expects to be woken up and driven to the gym and rugby training. His room is a tip and doesn't lift a finger.
The other night one of his remarks really upset me. He said the food I cook is like poor people's! I cook from scratch; spag bol, casseroles, curries, pasta dishes etc. Occasionally we have pizza or a shop made pie or stuff like that. When he is at his dad's he gets steak and fancy food. I work full time and have a sideline ironing business. He has said other awful things like calling me an alcoholic in front of friends (I'm not by the way I only drink at the weekend) and saying things like we are poor. I was a single mom for a while but now have a wonderful partner who is supportive. He can see how much this has upset me.
I always keep the house clean laundry up to date food on the table but he just treats it like a hotel. When he goes to his dads which has been most weekends I feel less anxious and happier. But he is here more because of doing things with his mates who live close by so my anxiety seem to be continuous. He wants driving lessons but won't commit to a date to book them so expects to be run around everywhere. I have spoken to his dad in the past but he wasn't very supportive but my son is like him and the reason I divorced him which makes it worse. I'm sorry this is a rant and probably doesn't make sense but I needs to get it off my chest! Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

For both him and you, you have to change completely how you are participating in these dynamics.

He is bullying you and you as the fully grown adult are being completely passive and allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat.

Things need to change around there and you need to be clear that you will not be tolerating this any longer and his easy ride from childhood is 100% over.

I would be going nuclear with him because this has been the proverbial boiling frog situation and it is really bad now.

It’s called tough love. If I speak harshly it’s because I want op to wake up and see where his misogyny and disrespect comes from. It’s not just her that suffers if another misogynistic male goes out into the world.

I would tell him he needs to move out.

Fully agree with those saying stop all services now, hes taking the piss and your allowing that.

If you have younger dc i would also be looking at changes to make with them or you potentially face this same situation in a few years.

I have an 18 and a 16 year old who are both in college - they take responsibility for their bedrooms, laundry, changing bedding etc plus they have allocated household chores such as taking out the bins, doing the dishwasher etc. This is something we have built up from being small - I also have a 4 year old who tidies his own room and puts away his laundry

If he doesn't like it at yours tell him to find a better place. If he doesn't like that he helps out and starts treating you like a human being not a servant

Although technically he is an adult, to date his view seems to be that women and particular his mother is there as a servant to be mistreated and abused in any way he sees fit. You are also there apparently to provide him with money, a taxi service, ironing service and even a wake up call.

It will be hard, but this has to stop. You need to sit down as a household and make some rules. Rudeness, arrogance and entitlement should not be tolerated and the longer you put this off the harder it will be.

Also think about what will happen as and when he enters relationships. Either the poor women he marries will have a life of hell, or alternatively she will walk.

He can ‘expect’ what he likes but you don’t have to do any of it-that’s your choice.

Just tell him it stops now. If he wants different food, lifts, then he can find another way to get it all. I suspect he will be very disappointed how far the money from his part time job goes…

Agree with this. A lot of posters on here simply can’t face up to what their teenage son is becoming and cling on to the ‘it’s normal’ and ‘softly softly’ type responses. Sadly these arrogant, rude teenage boys become lazy, entitled husbands who expect to be waited on hand and foot and see their presence as a gift to the females in their life.

He won’t be laughing when you just stop doing it 🤷‍♀️ Don’t do his laundry, don’t provide his food / cook including shopping, don’t drive him to rugby etc. Don’t provide him with money. He is an adult so if your standards are not good enough he can manage it himself (although I suspect he will soon realise how good he has got it).

I absolutely agree that definitive action needs to be taken on the part of the OP.
I don’t agree with unkind and accusatory manner / delivery of some of the posts. You can offer constructive advice without making the OP feel piled upon when they are already struggling with their situation.

Have a try at letting him treat you like a servant instead, then when he does and expects you to wake him up say "no, you're old enough to set your alarm and get yourself up".

When he wants a lift say "sorry I'm not going that way/am busy"

When he complains and puts you down look him in the eye, hold the stare and say nothing, let him be the one to walk away.

Also he's 18, a reminder of why you divorced his father all those years ago wouldn't go a miss...you tell him you're not looking for a replacement and if he continues being disrespectful he'll be going the same way.

He needs a reality check, you may have given birth to him but pandering to his every need and being treated this way will only stop once you decide it will.

Don't be treated like a servant and he won't think you're one.

I honestly don't get this.

Just because he expects something it doesn't mean you have to do it!
If he slags off your food, he makes his own from now on.
If he's rude to you say "Who the hell do you think you're talking to?"
Tell him if he doesn't like things he can move to his dad's or find a flatshare with his mates.

Just stop being a doormat.

He doesn't sound that bad to me. Six of one half a dozen of the other. I don't think our children are supposed to be "grateful" and it must be sad to have a mother who begrudges doing the things many parents just consider part of the role.

I'm sure his behaviour could be better, but he's 18 and being blamed for his mother's anxiety. You're supposed to be the grown up.

Also, hiw much are you drinking at weekends if he's prone to saying you're an alcoholic?

@Rockstick how low is your bar?

Some great advice here OP. My now 19 yo had moments of entitlement which drive me mad. He was never directly rude or offensive though. I did as others advised. One thing to consider is whether to use rugby and the team analogy. I found it helpful. You are living together in the house and just like a rugby team, all players need to pull their weight. A passenger in a team means you won’t win - how does the rest of the team feel? And what does he think about a passenger in the house? My DS is now at uni and talks about how he misses home cooked meals. He wasn’t always so grateful when he was here! Good luck,

Grow a backbone and stop bowing down to him.

Stop waking him up at his request. Hes not 8.

Stop giving him lifts.

Stop cooking him dinner.

Stop doing his washing.

He doesn’t sound that bad? How low is your bar?

He’s constantly disrespecting his mother, moaning about food she’s cooking for him when he’s old enough to purchase and cook his own food.

My son came home after uni worked part time never paid any lodge, did as he wished and I did all his laundry, but he cooked his own meals and cleaned his room, and I didn't let him disrespect me too much

18 is a bloody adult! You’re acting like he’s 12. This is why so many young adults now are struggling to integrate into workplaces and be independent. They’re cosseted and feel entitled to treating others like slaves.

And pee off with your ‘begrudging’. If not wanting to be spoken to like shit is ‘begrudging’ well, I’m happy to be exactly that.

Tell him no. Don't make a fuss over it, just say no. Tell him he is an adult and he is his responsibility. He needs to go to training on his own, he needs to cook for himself, do his washing etc. etc.

Sounds like you have mollycoddled him all his life i.e. waking him up... I mean seriously WTF?

Get a backbone and stop it all.

Introduce the lazy sod to Tesco, the washing machine, the cooker, the microwave and the bus stop. Tell him to cook his own food, do his own laundry and organise his own travel. No is, as they say, a complete sentence. You need to use it regularly.

If he speaks to you with disrespect, in front of other people or not, demand an immediate apology. If it is not forthcoming, tell him to move to his dad's. The second time he is rude to you, pack his bags, dump them in the front garden and bolt the door.

My ds17 would never dream of speaking to me like that. I am a single mum, running a house on a shoestring too, but I'm not afraid to kick him out if he can't be polite. He makes his own food if I am too tired, gets himself to his Saturday job by bike, and knows to say please & thank you.

@Rockstick He wouldn't last 5 minutes in my house. I wouldn't tolerate that sort of nonsense from anyone, never mind an 18yo.

OP, perhaps you would like to swap. You have my ds for a week, while I introduce your loathsome layabout of a son to the harsh realities of life. It would be a pleasure 😁

Think about what type of husband he's going to be. Stop enabling him. No more lifts fir starters until.his room is cleaned and ge starts treating you respectfully.

Sit him down, tell him how unhappy you are with his attitude and advise him if tge new rule!

Just laugh and scoff at him when he wants something-anything-doing for him.

A good old belly laugh-see if he is still laughing when you've had your laugh.

He won't realise the well has run dry until he comes along for water.

You've got the winning hand, start playing it.

so from now on he cooks his own food and gets places under his own steam. And if it is so great at his dads he can live there, you can help him pack.

You need to be very firm, and it will be uncomfortable, but he doesn't deserve anything from you. (change the Wifi password too)