Ungrateful entitled 18 year old son

[Hazey1809]

Hi all. My son is 18 and still in college doing A levels. Me and his dad split 15 years ago but are on good terms. He is increasingly becoming ungrateful and entitled and my mental health is deteriorating because of it. He has a part time job but when he is at home he treats me like a servant. He expects to be woken up and driven to the gym and rugby training. His room is a tip and doesn't lift a finger.
The other night one of his remarks really upset me. He said the food I cook is like poor people's! I cook from scratch; spag bol, casseroles, curries, pasta dishes etc. Occasionally we have pizza or a shop made pie or stuff like that. When he is at his dad's he gets steak and fancy food. I work full time and have a sideline ironing business. He has said other awful things like calling me an alcoholic in front of friends (I'm not by the way I only drink at the weekend) and saying things like we are poor. I was a single mom for a while but now have a wonderful partner who is supportive. He can see how much this has upset me.
I always keep the house clean laundry up to date food on the table but he just treats it like a hotel. When he goes to his dads which has been most weekends I feel less anxious and happier. But he is here more because of doing things with his mates who live close by so my anxiety seem to be continuous. He wants driving lessons but won't commit to a date to book them so expects to be run around everywhere. I have spoken to his dad in the past but he wasn't very supportive but my son is like him and the reason I divorced him which makes it worse. I'm sorry this is a rant and probably doesn't make sense but I needs to get it off my chest! Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

hey @Hazey1809 , your son's here.

@Rockstick - you have a very low bar if you think this is how you should treat your mother (or anyone else)

nobody wants "gratitude" but common courtesy.

He ca expect a lift but you don’t give him one surely ?

he doesn’t like your dinners so you stop cooking for him

and explain when he starts acting like a polite well mannered persons then you will treat him like one

I am going to be pissed off if OP doesn't return.

Although I would cut a lot of slack with his room because a levels is hard time

Yes because there are no consequences to that.

The first time my ds tried to assert that type of behaviour I just said “obviously you no longer want my sinners or lifts anymore - fabulous” and walked away.

Took him less than 24 hours to apologise and he’s never tried it since.

You need to toughen up. I raised two boys alone (father doesn’t live close by) and they would never treat me like this at any age, I always expected, and got, respect. Their father is also much wealthier than me and takes them to fancy places but it’s me they saw as ‘home’ and they couldn’t care less about the fancy stuff. If they treated me the way your son treats you they would have been given very short shrift from me!

I get the impression you have been far too subservient and permissive. Time to down tools and tell him you’re not taking his shit anymore. He’s straightens his act up or he moves in with his dad.

Start with - the next time he says something negative or upsetting, state that you don’t like when he speaks / treats you like that and if it happens again he will not be provided with any more wake up calls or lifts. Each time, explain it’s not acceptable and provide a consequence. Stay firm and don’t budge unless he apologises and agrees not to do it again. That’s the disrespectful behaviour dealt with.

next is to support him growing up - so again, set a timeline for the driving lessons and explain, no lifts after x date.

and so on

you don’t have to tackle it all in one go

People jump to such extremes on here, you don't need to pack up his stuff and leave it outside the door, that's horrible - and if his behaviour is horrible then as his parent you need to take some responsibility for that.

You need to stop taking everything so personally and behaving like a doormat, when he says your food is poor food say 'it's healthy and nutritious but if you don't like it then you're welcome to buy your own' and walk away. It doesn't have to be some huge ordeal.

Why doesn't he set an alarm to wake himself? Tell him to do that as he's not always going to be able to rely on you. Warn him when he's being rude that if he's rude again you won't be taking him to rugby later and then follow through.

He may well be playing up because he feels pushed out by your partner and not really feeling he has his mum anymore. You need to stop comparing him to your ex though, he is not your ex he's your child.

You need to take some responsibility here IMO OP.

You can start by not cooking. 18- yr- olds can cook for themselves.

Which one day he’ll do to his future girlfriend or wife. He’ll scoff when she asks for help, he’ll criticise her cooking etc. if you enable him now, you’ll enable a future bad husband/boyfriend.

He is 18; he can set alarms and tidy. If he is late, let him face the consequences. If he doesn’t like your food, let him cook his own food.

This is the kindest thing to do because it allows him to grow into an adult an hopefully a future husband/boyfriend who can take responsibility for his mess; alarms; and not critique cooking/show gratitude!

So, he's 18, doesn't like, well, anything about this nice cheap full service hotel he's living in..🤔 easy solution. Go and live with Daddy; or off you go into the real world on your own and see how long you last. OP you need to really, really be tough on this.