Ungrateful entitled 18 year old son

[Hazey1809]

Hi all. My son is 18 and still in college doing A levels. Me and his dad split 15 years ago but are on good terms. He is increasingly becoming ungrateful and entitled and my mental health is deteriorating because of it. He has a part time job but when he is at home he treats me like a servant. He expects to be woken up and driven to the gym and rugby training. His room is a tip and doesn't lift a finger.
The other night one of his remarks really upset me. He said the food I cook is like poor people's! I cook from scratch; spag bol, casseroles, curries, pasta dishes etc. Occasionally we have pizza or a shop made pie or stuff like that. When he is at his dad's he gets steak and fancy food. I work full time and have a sideline ironing business. He has said other awful things like calling me an alcoholic in front of friends (I'm not by the way I only drink at the weekend) and saying things like we are poor. I was a single mom for a while but now have a wonderful partner who is supportive. He can see how much this has upset me.
I always keep the house clean laundry up to date food on the table but he just treats it like a hotel. When he goes to his dads which has been most weekends I feel less anxious and happier. But he is here more because of doing things with his mates who live close by so my anxiety seem to be continuous. He wants driving lessons but won't commit to a date to book them so expects to be run around everywhere. I have spoken to his dad in the past but he wasn't very supportive but my son is like him and the reason I divorced him which makes it worse. I'm sorry this is a rant and probably doesn't make sense but I needs to get it off my chest! Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

You need to down all tools now!

Stop doing things for him. If he doesn’t like your cooking then he can cook for himself (and provide his own ingredients) or cook for the household a couple of times a week.

If he is rude to you then tell him you can’t be a taxi service anymore

When I try and talk to him he just laughs and scoffs at me!

Easy..Just stop being his slave. Tell him to cook his own meals if he doesn't like what you cook. You're enabling his behavior.

Don't talk - actions speak louder.

As pps has said, stop doing anything for him.

Teenage boys can be moody and test your boundaries, however, what you describe goes beyond normal teen moodiness - what you describe is disrespect and rudeness. Why arent you imposing consequences for his behaviour?

You wouldn't fall over yourself to give lifts to someone at work who was being rude AF to you so why on earth are you doing it for him? He is 18 and wants to be treated like an adult presumably so treat him like one- stop running him around everywhere, stop making him food if he criticises it constantly, if he calls you names like alcoholic dont emotionally react to it, simply tell him calmly that he speaks to you with respect or not at all.

You are enabling him because he's doing all this shit and you arent changing your behaviour, you continue to do whatever he wants. Human relationships dont work like that - if you want someone to do you a favour you dont verbally abuse them. You can't change him but you can change how you react to him and by not imposing consequences you arent actually helping him because people out in the real world wont put up with his BS.

Yes, once you adjust your behaviour you will get some push back from it but what's the alternative?- you continuing to be his doormat?

Stop the lifts to work and gym, stop cooking for him. He sounds so disrespectful and ungrateful. If he loves his dad’s house so much he can move in with him!

Honestly, I would tell him it was time for him to move into his dad's, given it's such a superior place. Stop giving him lifts if there's an alternative like the bus. Show him how to use the washing machine and stop doing his washing. If he is like his dad then the two of them should enjoy living together

Why are you continuing to wake him up, cook for him and clean for him? Why doesn't he do all these things for himself already?

My 11year old has got himself up since he was about 7 or 8 and he wakes us up!

YOU made this problem. YOU need to unmake this problem.

I'm not quite sure you are expecting from this thread because there's literally nothing anyone can say except "stop being his skivvy". He can only treat you like a skivvy because you let him.

Does he treat all women like this or just you?

Sit him down, give him the hard truth of what the impact of his behaviour will now be, and stick with it.

If I was his mates I wouldn’t be impressed how he spoke about you unless they are of a similar mindset

If you don't put a stop to this now, he'll continue to treat all women like this.

Little twat. No respect. Like others have said, do nothing for him.

I have a 19 year old. No way on earth would I accept this from them. He thinks the food is poor people's food? Fine, he can buy and cook his own. No money? Guess he gets a job. He wants driving lessons? Same thing. No lifts. I haven't done my teens washing and ironing since they were 15.

If he can't treat you with respect then he doesn't get any of these benefits. He needs a short sharp shock and if he doesn't like it, he needs to sort it out himself. Welcome to adulthood mate.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him.

No cooking.
No cleaning.
No laundry.
No driving him around.
No money. He's a bloody adult!

Tell him if he doesn't like it to go and live with his dad. In fact, tell him to go and live with his dad regardless.

It'll be a win-win situation. It'll teach him he had it good with you and make him appreciate you. And it'll teach his arsehole dad that enabling a brat does no one any favours.

Withdraw all services. No waking him up, no driving him around, no washing, no meals cooked.

Let him fail and have to cater for and organise himself.
Otherwise you and/or some other poor woman will be the little shit's handrag forever.

Yeah fuck that. If he wants a life full of steak and fancy then he can go and get himself a life full of steak and fancy. With his own money in his own place.
Don't enable him any more.

I also have an 18 yr old and if he spoke to me the way yours does to you, there’s not a chance in hell I’d be doing a single thing more for him.
Lifts? Forget it..
Doesnt like the food? Tough shit. Buy your own then.
Honestly OP, tough love. Don’t let him walk all over you.

He can take his laundry to his dad's for a start!

Are there buses to get him around? He can take them

I hope you're only giving him money for college essentials

And he can cook his own food ( and clear up afterwards)

What relationship do you have with his father now?

My 18 year old cooks once a week. Has only had a lift about once in the last three months. Has done a.his own washing since he was 14. Hoovers and empties dishwasher regularly. His room is a shit tip though!

I would take him out somewhere to a cafe and calmly say that he is now an adult, and so things are going to change: tell him you're no longer waking him up.You're no longer giving him lifts. Tell him he is doing all of his own washing from now on. Tell him that if he is rude about your cooking again, you will not cook for him anymore.

If he complains, ask him to move to his dad. Most of us left home at eighteen. He is not a child.

Tell him he’s an adult now, if he wants to live with you in the week then he better stop disrespecting you and making nasty comments. Tell him he can go stay at his dads if he can’t manage it but he’s welcome to come back once he apologises

I know I’m going to get shouted at but in my family a man/father/uncle would take this kid on a long drive and have a word about what it means to be a man, and it begins with being respectful at home, and that begins with respecting your mother.

Pack his gear up, put it outside, deadlock the doors, leave a note pinned to his stuff, telling him to go to his dad's and dont come back until he learns some respect

Agree with everything above. Stop enabling his behaviour. He's 18, an adult and needs a massive wake up call as to what that entails.

When I had an objectionable son I downed tools and did not speak to him unless he was civil. I also withdrew all financial support. When he challenged me I kept it up, and didn’t speak. Eventually he got the message.

he grew out if it

I would write down a list of all the rude and entitled things he has said recently, then sit him down and say you have something important to discuss. Ask him to read each comment out loud, looking you in the eye. Ask what he thinks of the comment and what he thinks it makes you feel.

Explain in a very calm quiet voice that until he apologises for each comment in turn and explains that he fully understands how incorrect and offensive each one is, you will not enable his life in any way. His responsiblity to wake him self up, get himself to work and sports fixtures, provide his own food and eat it outside the home as he cannot make mess for you to clear up. Explain this is entirely his decision and you are very hapy to continue to be a loving and giving mother, if he shows true and continuous respect, love and appreciation.

I did something similar to DS1 who went through a phase of horrible arrogance. It opened his eyes.