Adult Son living with parents

[Theworldsgonemad]

My Son is 29 and lives with us.
He went away to Uni for four years, came back and his long term relationship broke up.
He's been single since.
He has a very good job.
Has a hobby.
However he's not interested in living on his own, getting his own place. We live in an area of the country which is extremely expensive re housing.
It's not a problem for us, him living at home. I just wonder if it's good for him.
I don't know what I'm asking really. Your thoughts, I guess.

It’s not good for him. He needs to start his own life. If he’s got a good job, then tell him to save his money so he can afford a deposit on his own home.

@Soonenough I think that now is a good time to have a conversation with him about his long-time plans. He’s turning 30 this year and perhaps the OP would prefer that he’s not still living with her at 40. She may wish to downsize or move, perhaps his siblings would like to move in instead, who knows.
Her DS does need to be saving and working towards getting his own place, he shouldn’t assume that his parents will provide accommodation for him indefinitely.

My DH and I don’t intend to live in our current house forever, for example, we want to downsize and move from the expensive area that we live in.

Living alone sucks. If he's recently split from his girlfriend then he's probably feeling like sh![.....better he stays with people who care. When he's feeling stronger he will likely fall in love again and move along.

I was in a similar situation to your son, I went to uni later on in life then had a big break up which resulted in me moving home. I stayed there until I met my husband and then we moved in together and had our family. If you enjoy having him there and he’s contributing both financially and with help around the house I see no harm. It certainly didn’t harm me! Maybe encourage him to save more for a deposit etc but I wouldn’t worry. Times are hard and housing costs are insane!

But is he saving? Is there a plan that he's working towards? Or is he just spending all of his money every month and expecting to live with you forever?

Surely he can move to a different area?

Update: It's all change.
He has a mortgage in principle arranged and is actively looking at properties. All his own instigation, I hadn't said anything.
I'm so pleased for him.

Thank you for the update, and wishing him all the best.

That's great, you were able to give him a safe haven until he was ready. Hope you'll still see him when he moves.

I was planning to have a chat with him about his plans for 2026. However my Mum took a turn for the worst at the start of January, she died mid February from cancer. It was a shock for us all.
He's looking at properties about 30mins away from us, closer to where he works.
He's seeing 6 properties tonight! The estate agents seem to like him.

My dd(25) her fiance (26) and ds(23) all still live at home and I love having them here. We are very close and are always doing stuff together. We still all go on holiday together.
They pay a small amount of rent. They are able to save and pay into a private pension.
Times are different now. Renting in my area is very expensive If you can even find somewhere with so many landlords selling up. Renting can be so insecure now too with people seeing houses as investments to buy and sell at whim.
I hate homes under the hammer and the like with buyers saying they are going to rent a family home for six months to a year and sell kicking out a family who probably made connections to the area and got the kids in to local schools. It happened to us and the Landlord knew we would only have a year in the house and didn’t tell us!
Social housing is nonexistent unless you have dependents or a disability
Buying a house here is impossible without a huge deposit and two good wages.
All bar one of the people I know who own their house have had help to do so ,via parents gifting money, inheritance and right to buy.
Houses and flats were so much cheaper when my parents and in-laws bought theirs. Both were Sahms. My Mum and Dad managed all the living expenses, mortgage and 4 kids all on one wage.
i think we need to stop with all the mummy’s boy, cut the apron strings and so on. Times are different now.
I can’t buy my kids a house or gift a deposit but I can give them a safe secure home where they are happy.

@Hephzibah64 If it works for you, that's great. It's only an issue if parents perhaps want to move or downsize, for example.

Personally, I'm not sure whether I'd subsidize a fiancé unless there's a good reason, but we're all different.

Why does he need a 2 bed house?

This. We'll be seeing kids living at home much longer now that employment is becoming so hard to come by and private renting is extortionate.
I have friends whose 30+ age lads are still living at home and it's not a problem.
I have one ds who is 26 and has been gone a few years, one aged 25 who is just about to move into his own home but younger ds likely to be with us a lot longer. It's not a problem for us, we have a big enough home.

My son (39) moved back after he had a series of mini strokes and needed looking after when he was discharged from hospital . That was 10 years ago . I have stage 4 cancer and am on trial treatment, he is relatively recovered except for some things he's been left with due to some brain damage . He now looks after me . If he ever wanted to live on his own he'd have my full support but he's happy with the arrangement . It's good for us both . He says he doesn't want a relationship and is happily single !

People make comments about adult children- one of the most grounded, sensible but also high achieving families I know regularly has the (very well adjusted) kids regularly move back in with the parents. All kids are single and in their 30s. I do think unless he is saving for a house he should be properly contributing

Ah that’s brilliant OP, it was far better for him to have stayed with you and saved to be in this position.

I have 2 siblings living at home with parents- one is 30 and just getting a mortgage deal to move out to live with partner and the other is 34 and still living at home with no plan to move out. Both have parents doing ‘looking after’ still, such as cooking meals, house chores, sorting bills although financially the contribution is split fairly.
I left home at 30.

In my extended family there are loads of cousins who stay at home until 30’s - makes me wonder if it’s a family tradition type culture? Especially as relatives in their 50’s and 60’s also did this and it was the norm and still is!